Wow. After last week’s prosaic episode of The Real World, I was thiiiis close to giving up on the season. Little did I realize the producers were planning on cramming all the drama into today’s action-packed episode. We had it all — bitch fights, screaming, hooking up, idiocy. It was wonderful. However, I found myself so riled up when it was over that I had to go yammer on about it for ten minutes to a poor coworker.
The episode raised some questions that have plagued this season since it began. Namely: just how big of an idiot is Colie? Just how big of a slut is Jenn? Are Colie and Jenn possibly the worst tandem to ever hit The Real World? Is it bad that I enjoy Alex and his cold-hearted asshole-ish now, just because it upsets Colie? And should I feel ashamed that I’m firmly rooting for a lunatic like Brooke every time she opens her crazy mouth? Color me conflicted!This week’s episode began with…
What’s going on here? Oh, technical errors. Okay. We back? We good? Awesome.
Anyway, this rollercoaster episode started at a club where we saw a small placard staking Alex’s territory at a table. “Reserved for Alex and Friends,” the tiny sign said; although, more appropriately, it should have read, “Reserved for Alex and sluts.” Make that “Reserved for Alex and drunken sluts.” Yes, no sooner had we seen the faintest hint of alcohol than we found Colie, drunk and slurring again on Alex’s lap, telling him that Corey, the boyfriend-ish figure in her life, was coming to town that weekend. HOWEVER, she was thinking longterm. “Let’s say after this weekend is over,” she said, “then Colie and Alex start to date.” First of all, Colie’s already reached the saturation point of annoying-ness, simply by referring to herself in the third person. Secondly, I still did not understand what her fixation with Alex was all about. Couldn’t she see how little he cared about her on a romantic level? You’d think he’d pawing all over her breasts, savoring every last pre-Corey moment he could get. Instead, he seemed as excited as if a sack of avocados had rolled onto his lap. And for those of you who have avocado fetishes, I apologize.
Of course, just because Alex didn’t want a relationship with Colie didn’t mean he was going to actually tell her that. He liked to keep his copulation options open, and that meant stringing along the poor, deluded girl day after day. Granted, as we later saw, I’m not sure she would act any different, even if she knew Alex’s true feelings towards her. Anyway, rather than say “I DO NOT LIKE YOU THAT WAY,” Alex merely replied to Colie with an excuse as to why they couldn’t start dating after the Corey visit. He didn’t think she’d have proper closure, or some bullshit like that. Well, Colie firmly disagreed. “I’m never going to see him again for the rest of my life after this weekend,” she said, probably not realizing how naive she sounded. I really didn’t understand the point of visiting with someone you plan to never visit with ever again. It’s one thing if he was about to die, but if they were intentionally staying away from each other, why even bother? Of course, this all presumes that Corey was aware of Colie’s plan to cut the ties. Ugh. It’s so stupid. I can’t even question the logic anymore.
Well, Colie then spoke to us in an interview and said, “It’s pretty complex between Alex and I.” Yes, very complex indeed. You like him, he doesn’t like you. MIND BOGGLING.
Later on, everyone returned to the house where a drunk Alex playfully wrestled with Tyree. We watched Jenn eat some of Brooke’s pizza, an action that was greeted with Brooke’s patented “I’M IN HELL!!!!” face. I decided to take this moment to simply look at Jenn and marvel at the degree to which she looked like a complete and total slut. Hey, I get it — we can never truly assess a situation that’s portrayed to us via editing and camera angles and all that stuff, but I’m sorry. Skanky outfits are skanky outfits. Jenn looks like one of those girls they dangle in front of teens to get them to come to an 18 and over club: cheesy, trashy, and someone only the bridge-and-tunnel crowd would touch.
Wow! I’m bitter today.
“Well, I’m off to the White Snake concert.”
Anyhoo, after having grappled onto Tyree’s hunk o’ man-meat long enough, Alex retired to his bedroom where he promptly passed out and then rolled off onto the floor. Jenn came in to assist him, and amidst this, Alex muttered, “Please don’t tell Colie. I don’t want Colie to know.” Yes, Colie must never know about Alex’s shameful state on the floor. We wouldn’t want to ruin her fantasies of him being an exclusively bed-bound male.
Well, Alex eventually got a second wind, and he stripped down to his undies and galloped into Colie’s bedroom for a late night booty call. This surely thrilled our Jersey girl, seeing that her entire basis of self-worth is tied to her ability to get Alex into her vagina. The next day, Colie put on her Needy & Possessive Cap and told Alex that she was his dream come true (insert Psycho violins now). She then ascended to Cloud Nine as he gave her a masterclass in cuddling. Listening to Colie’s dumb, slurry voice coo with happiness was pretty much as bad as witnessing the Holocaust — or so I’d imagine.
That afternoon, Tyree told Alex that he should probably stop having sex with roommates, but Alex wasn’t about to inhibit his libido. “I’ll leave the thinking to you,” he said, “and the fucking to me.” Other things left to Alex: wearing pink shirts, getting STDs from Colie and Jenn, and watching his hairilne continue to recede.
All this Alex-Colie shit was fun (and by that, I mean PAINFUL), but what I really was in the mood for was a classic Brooke meltdown. Well, ask and ye shall receive. With Corey coming to town, the double-headed hydra of Jenn and Colie decided to clean up the slovenly haven for disease that is their kitchen. I thought we were witnessing a moment of rare altruism, but it turns out that the girls weren’t interested in cleaning everything. They only wanted to do a half-assed job, which is why Colie suddenly asked Brooke, “Did you make macaroni and cheese in this pot?”
“Why?” Brooke replied, her previous activity of straddling a cardboard box now interrupted.
“‘Cause it’s just been sitting here for, like, since you made it,” Colie said. To her credit, she wasn’t being very mean in her comments, but it didn’t make any sense for her to bring this up unless she wanted to start a fight. After all, if she was already cleaning the kitchen, who cares who left what junk lying around? Why bother cleaning everything but one stupid pot?
Well, Brooke honed in on this immediately and barked, “Why are you bringing that up to me? Like, everyone’s left stuff. You’re gonna confront me about it?” The response was a bit more snippy and angry than the conversation probably merited, but seeing that I’d been waiting all season for someone to finally yell at Colie, I was more than happy to have Brooke lash out.
“Don’t you see I have a very important box to carry around for no reason?”
Anyway, Colie said she wasn’t going to hand wash Brooke’s pot (again — why bother volunteer to clean up if you’ll only do it selectively), and so Brooke snapped back, “So you’re the authority of where I leave things?” Yes! Yes! Yes! Keep going Brooke!
Finally, our Southern Belle could take it no longer. “You’re such a fuckin’ bitch! I hope you know that! You are such a fuckin’ bitch!” Brooke said as she stormed up the stairs. Crazy? Yes. Would I want her any other way? No.
Well, with this spat, the floodgates opened. “I hate that girl. HATE HER!” Brooke ranted. Join the club. She then told us, “You’re not my mother. You’re not my elder. You’re nothing. You’re my roommate. And you have a chip on your shoulder, and you run around here acting like you’re the boss and like you’re perfect. I’m sorry. YOU’RE NOT!!!!” SHE WAS IN HELLLL!!!!!
As expected, Colie responded with a similar rant to us, saying, “You are a stuck up, idiotic, immature, psycho maniac.” She then added, “Oh wait, am I supposed to be describing myself? That doesn’t seem right. Can I make out with you, camera man?”
After the break we found Brooke continuing to languish in Colie’s presence, saying she didn’t know how she’d be able to get through the next three months with her. I feel you, sister. It’s hard for me to make it five minutes. Brooke then further made my day by saying, “I really think that she is one of the most vile human beings I’ve ever met in my life.” Cut to me clapping like a giddy seal.
Ultimately, Brooke announced to us, “I will never let anyone talk to me that way. She’s got remarkable nerve!” AND HOW!! She should know to address Brooke solely as “Lady LaBarbera” and to never look her directly in the eyes. REMARKABLE NERVE INDEED!
Jenn then weighed in with her typically vapid insight, saying, “I don’t know why Colie and Brooke don’t get along.” Hmmm… maybe it’s because Brooke sees that Colie is a total and complete idiot.
Later, after the harpy twins had left the building, Brooke relayed the whole story to Stephen, Davis, and Davis’s boyfriend PJ. This time, however, the story had changed from Colie asking a simple, yet loaded question, to her making a scathing accusation: “IS THIS YOUR MACARONI??? I’M NOT CLEANING IT!!!” Brooke seethed in her impersonation of Colie. Yeah, um, slight exaggeration. But that’s okay. Anytime anyone barks at Colie, I’m all for it, no matter how unjustified.
Ultimately, just in case we weren’t quite sure of it, Brooke declared, “I absolutely HATE her!” Poor Brooke. It must have taken all the willpower in the world to refrain from punching Colie in the face and pulling at her hair for three months. (I swear I’m not a misogynist. I’m just really hate idiots.)
Later on, two of Alex’s college friends, Brett and Kerry, showed up for what was supposed to be good times in Denver. Little did they realize that they were about to be submerged in a weekend of drama. Everyone went out to the club, and sensing a path to Alex’s heart, Colie approached Brett and began confessing the entire situation to him, even though she hardly knew the guy (cue the cuckoo clock sound effects). Personally, I was shocked she didn’t try to hook up with Brett — or any guy in a five foot radius. Nevertheless, the needy moron told Brett, “I know he’s afraid to be with me.”
“In all honesty,” he replied. “I don’t think he wants to.” FINALLY. It’s about time that someone made this drunken pine nut face the facts. However, we all knew it would take more than simple “logic” and “realistic views” to sway Colie. On the walk back to the house, Colie told Brett, “I’m not kidding you. Like, I watch this cock bring home sluts and fuck them in front of my face.” Honestly, is there anything more pathetic than a drunk girl you’ve known for two hours offloading all her personal issues onto you at the drop of a hat. GET THEE TO A THERAPIST!
Well, Brett seemed to have a brain, and he asked Colie, “What does that matter to you though?” EXACTLY! I didn’t even mind that Brett asked the question in a super whiny, lilting voice.
Colie then amusingly told us, “I think Alex and I are so up and down because how he acts with other girls.” No, you guys are up and down because of the way you act when he’s with other girls. Stop projecting your own rage and jealousy onto him. Okay, time to step back from the computer, take some deep breaths, and remember that this is only supposed to be entertainment. Excruciating, frustrating entertainment.
“Colie, I’m starting to feel like you’re the dumbest woman I’ve ever met.”
Finally, sensing that Colie would never shut up about Alex unless she received some tough love, Brett told her that Alex had no feelings for her. Of course, she was unable to process this, and so Brett informed her that Alex had told him as much. Well, Colie — or PWD, as I like to call her (Psychologist’s Wet Dream) — had a strange reaction to this news. She galloped away through the streets of Denver — all while barefoot no less. When she finally reached the house, she bounded up the stairs, and I just assumed she was going to find a corner to cry in. However, that would imply that Colie would willingly give up another chance to be totally, unabashedly pathetic. She was unwilling to accept that Alex had no feelings for her; so instead, she cornered him in the upstairs lounge area, plopped herself down on his crotch and tried to seduce the feelings out of him. She was gonna make him love her no matter what. To paraphrase David Spade (and you know it’s getting bad when I have to paraphrase David Spade), it’s called dignity, woman. LOOK INTO IT.
Nothing wins a man over like the hunchback / muffin-top combo.
Yes, the scene was so pathetic, it was embarrassing. More embarrassing than Colie normally is. When she asked Alex if he truly had no feelings for her, even he couldn’t keep up the façade any longer. “I think I want your friendship,” he said, but the dense ignoramus sitting on his lap still couldn’t read between the lines. Or maybe she just didn’t want to.
“Do you want anything more?” she asked, and Alex finally manned up and was honest with her. “No,” he said. Personally, I was shocked that Colie didn’t then tell us, “Alex and I have a very complex relationship. When he says he doesn’t want me, I know that means that he wants to be my husband. It’s just the way it is.”
For his part, Alex relayed a quote about how a penis has a brain and a heart, and how his penis brain wanted to have sex with Colie, but his penis heart told him to say no. Or something like that. Kind of seemed reverse to me. Isn’t it the brain that says no and the heart that says yes? And furthermore, is it really necessary to ascribe these features to one’s penis? Isn’t it enough to say “My brain says no, but my penis says yes?” Does the penis really need its own independent neurological and cardiovascular systems?
The next day, a sober but still dumb Colie drove off to pick up Corey at the airport while Alex, Brett, and Brooke planned to hit up a water park, randomly enough. One problem though: they couldn’t get there. Alex and Brett had been drinking, thus limiting their driving options. Someone then asked Brooke if she could drive stick, but she replied with a bored, if somewhat defeated, “No.”
WELL! Jenn would not stand for that! “You’re being a brat!” the contentious roommate attacked. I’ll admit that Brooke certainly was exuding some light ‘tude, but brat seemed both excessive and unnecessary. And even if she was being a brat, I didn’t really care. I was all about backing Brooke and her crusade to fight back against her dumb roomies.
Anyway, Brooke certainly did not appreciate this attack, especially because in her eyes, there was nothing wrong with saying she didn’t know how to drive stick. When she stated this to Jenn, the former cheerleader shot back, “You’re like ‘NO! I HAVEN’T DRIVEN A STICK BEFORE!!!!’” (which, of course, wasn’t what Brooke did at all.) Well, Brooke admitted that yes, she was acting like a brat now, but only because Jenn had called her out.
“Whatever, Brooke!” Jenn scoffed.
“Whatever, JENN!” Brooke retorted, mockingly.
“Get over your fuckin’ self,” Jenn sneered, causing Brooke to then yell, “You know what? You’re a fuckin’ bitch, just like Colie.” MORE! MORE! MORE!
“Thanks for letting me know where I stand!” Jenn replied sarcastically, clearly forgetting that it was she who had just hurled an unprovoked insult at Brooke two seconds ago.
Brooke then stole the words right out of my mouth as she declared, “I don’t give a fuck about you, either, you trashy bitch!” WHAT? JENN? TRASHY??? Why, that’s just libelous! What remarkable nerve!!!
“Shut up, whore!” Jenn snapped back. “No one ever wants to fuckin’ hear your voice!” Well, I’d much rather hear her voice than your slurry, inarticulate mumblings.
Nevertheless, that last comment was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Brooke finally reached her I’M IN HELL!!! point and began screaming at the top of her lungs. “IF YOU EVER SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, YOU WILL BE FUCKIN’ SORRY!! DON’T YOU GODDAMN TALK TO ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN!!!!!” It was almost like the spirit of Paula Walnuts had been channeled in our very own Brooke. I really wasn’t sure why this altercation demanded that she completely flip her lid the way she did, but I appreciated it greatly.
Anyway, faced with the suffocating presence of Jenn’s stupidity, Brooke ran out of the house and down the street… right into the ghetto!!!! Was she getting her nails done? No, she just needed some fresh air. In a very un-Brooke move, she plopped herself down by the side of the house and tried to gather herself. I’m shocked she deigned to have her tuchus touch the dirty, prurient sidewalk that so many bums before her had slept on.
We then saw Alex come out of the house to comfort her, and… oh wait. He wasn’t comforting her at all. He, Brett, and Jenn were just leaving to go drink. Smell ya later, Brookie!
At the bar (or as Jenn calls it, “the place where I fuel my lifeblood”), Jenn immediately started acting as if she was totally unfazed by the whole fight. “Unfortunately for her,” Jenn said, “you call me a name, I’m gonna strike back.” Of course, last time I checked, this entire brouhaha started when you called her a name, not the other way around, but there I go with my “memory” again.
Back at the house, Brooke had come back to her senses and was filling Stephen in on the entire debacle, which he had somehow missed despite being in the building (unless I heard that wrong). I enjoyed Brooke’s colorful way of painting the picture, saying, “I was lurching like an animal.” That’s usually the way I describe Jenn when she’s had two drinks and is dancing on a tabletop, but I digress.
Well, at least it was all over now, Stephen rationalized, but Brooke couldn’t disagree more. It’s just begun, she warned us, and with that, I expected this awful/glorious episode to come to an end. However, we still had plenty of junk to wade through before the sweet salvation of seeing those closing credits.
Remember Corey? The guy Colie couldn’t wait to get rid of and never see ever again for the rest of her life plus eternity? Well, he had arrived, and pretty much the moment they walked in the front door, they were already planning out when they were gonna have sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, truthfully. It just made Colie look like even more of a needy slut. Nevertheless, Colie introduced Corey to a randomly naked PJ and Davis, and then the two headed to the restaurant/bar where they met up with Alex and Brett and Jenn. As soon as they sat down, Colie began sucking face with Corey every two seconds — not the standard behavior for two people on the verge of a long goodbye. Then again, it was very standard behavior for a horny blockhead who was seeking revenge on the man she really wanted. Yes, Colie could not have looked more awful. Either the kisses were sincere, which meant she was a two-timing wench for throwing herself at Alex behind Corey’s back. Or the kisses were fake, which meant she was just being petty and immature and passive-aggressive in her desperate attempts to lure Alex to her buzzard crotch. OMG. I just realized something. Colie is so the second coming of Dana from Big Brother 4 (the original buzzard crotch). Please tell me there’s someone out there that can back me up on this…
Anyway, I tended to believe that Colie’s excessive PDA was payback to Alex, which was kind of lame, especially since Alex a) probably didn’t care, and b) knew exactly how to one-up her. He went to another area of the bar and made out with Jenn. It was fairly awful on both their parts, especially Jenn, who revealed herself to be all-talk in the “Colie’s my girl!” department. Poor Brett was stuck in the middle of all this, staring at the wall and waiting for one of these people to stop kissing so he could at least carry on some sort of a conversation. Fat chance.
Eventually, Colie interrupted Jenn and Alex, saying, “Hi, lovebirds!” Jenn just laughed it off and said, “We’re being drunkbirds!” For probably the first time all season, Colie actually had a small leg to stand on when she told us “I don’t think being drunk is an excuse.” However, Colie kind of lost that leg by virtue of the fact that Alex had told her he didn’t have feelings for her and by virtue of the fact that Colie was already busy making out with her boyfriend. I guess I just don’t understand why it’s okay for Colie to juggle three guys (Alex, Corey, Adam), but if Alex is to kiss another girl, it’s like WWIII breaks out. As for Jenn being a not-so-loyal friend, that’s a whole other issue. But hey, Colie and Jenn deserve each other. I’m not so sure I can really fault Brooke for flipping her lid. I mean, would you if you had to live with these girls?
What did you think about this episode? What did you think about… EVERYTHING?