Real World: Work is Hard

I’ve got to start off this recap of the Real World Sydney with a big, heartfelt thank you to Dumby. Last week, he had me seriously concerned with his open-mindedness to gay people and admissions of a rough childhood. I can’t say anything mean about that. But this week, he’s back to being a hostile jerk who uses people who are nice to him as a doormat. So thanks, sweetie. I was getting worried there for a minute.

The pigs have landed.

We meet again on a sunny day in Sydney, and there’s a package at the door! It’s so big it takes both Shauvon and Trasha to drag it inside. Hmmm…we’re about a third of the way through this thing, we’ve established characters, had a little drama, quick calculation says…time for the “real world” job! I have to put it in quotes, cause it’s always some easy, fun stuff. A REAL real world job would be cubicles or cash registers. But, nothing dramatic about that so let’s just open the big ol’ box.

And the job is…Contiki! They’re a travel tour company. The roomies will be working on a special travel project. Cow hopes it will be something fun and interesting, cause he’s never had a fun job before. No worries, Cow, see above.

In the boys’ room, they discuss the new job. Cow, who’s turning into a real little bitch, has a mean comment to make about what each of the girls does for work back home. Parisa is a professional student, Shauvon writes sex stories, Trasha buys clothes for people and he has no idea what KA does.

Well, first of all, Shauvon writes a sex column for her school newspaper, it’s hardly a living writing porn. As for Parisa being a full time student, I can see how an educated woman would scare the crap out of narrow-minded Cow. And Trasha…I’m sorry, but who is she buying clothes for? I picture a minion of obnoxious twenty year olds in faux Chanel shades and two-tone skunk hair, and make a vow to never, ever to go Fresno.

And while he’s picking on the chicks, what about the boys? Dumby is a full time student, same as Parisa. Much like KA, we have no idea what Cow does. And Isaac ROBS HOUSES! Shut up, Cow, and leave the judging to me.

For their first day on the job, Parisa skips around the house waking everyone up. It’s 11:15 am, and they’re all still fast asleep in bed. Way to soak up the experience. Somehow, Parisa’s intrusive, waking people up at nearly noon so they’re not late for their job thing has upset Dumby. Fucked up his chi, I believe, was the exact phrasing. She ruins the positive aura, he whines. Parisa is the one ruining the positive aura? Oh sure, I can totally see how a girl who enjoys the morning time could really ruin a day.

And you think that’s bad? It gets worse. Wretched Parisa has the nerve, the gall, the impudence to continue sucking all the positivity out of the day by…SINGING IN THE SHOWER. Oh, she’s just vile.

Wash that man right out of your hair, girl.

Trasha, of course, agrees. She and Dumby bitch about it together. In a positive way, of course. We have a recording studio, they complain. How dare she sing a tune in the shower! You can’t even have a conversation, bemoans Trasha. Oh, the horror. It’s like you said, she continues, Christina Aguilera gone bad. Yeah, Parisa’s the real negative force in this house. And then, awful, negative, chi-stealing Parisa commits an offense so terrible I can barely bring myself to write it. She cooks the roomies a yummy looking French toast brunch. I know. The karma police are soooo gonna get her ass.

I think Parisa looks pretty as she flits around the kitchen, making sure everyone’s fed. Shauvon has accessorized her black Contiki logo t-shirt with a yellow sash, and I like that she added a little personal style to it. She’s really excited about the job.

Isaac does a countdown, cause of course, after sleeping til nearly noon, they’re running late. He thinks they could run a vacation resort; Dumby could be the bartender, he could be wedding singer and Cow could be the repairman. I can’t help but notice the obvious omission of the girls in this scenario, and I’m starting to wonder if there’s some kind of a boys vs. girls divide brewing. But that would be stupid, right? Exactly…which now makes me sure that’s precisely what’s happening.

And my theory is confirmed en route to the job, as the boys are clustered together in the back of a car. Dumby is still perturbed that Parisa has woken him up. Dumby’s got some seriously misguided hostility here. He gets a feeling like Parisa’s becoming more comfortable in the house. Comfortable in her own house? Why, I never!

Then Dumby bitches about Parisa’s cooking with a “Damn her, I don’t need her snacks!” Whoa, hold on a minute, counters Isaac, I’m not about to start complaining about free snacks. I may be starting to like this guy. Jumpsuit aside, anyone who recognizes the value of free food is someone I can get on board with. Just tell her in a nice way that you would appreciate her not waking you up, he counsels. Nah, that’s not going to work, cause in that scenario Dumby doesn’t get to be a total prick.

The Contiki boss is Sara, a cute, camera-friendly Aussie girl. The project is to come up with a two-day trip itinerary, which will hopefully form part of the Contiki Australia package. So, the plan is to take pictures, eat and get paid. Sounds good to Cow. Hey, me too. Isaac says that the job is basically to have fun.

Sara covers the rules of Contiki (I would sooner die than go on a pre-packaged Contiki tour, but I do love saying the name), and they’re pretty general – be honest, have integrity, don’t intimidate, threaten or coerce and no disorderly conduct. I guess Contiki didn’t get the memo that those cameras aren’t there to film an intra-company training video. This is for entertainment, people. Honesty? Integrity? No disorderly conduct? Bor-ing.

For reservations, press one followed by the pound sign.

Dumby says that the job is badass, but it could easily be brought down if no one cooperates and works together, and with this group, it will be easy to mess up. Well, whatever goes wrong, I’m sure it will be be that chi-stealer Parisa’s fault.

The next time we catch up with the roomies, they’re headed to a part of town called The Rocks, to walk around and eat fish and chips. Mmmmm…fish and chips. All seven of ‘em are in the car. Dumby’s driving, Parisa’s in the navigator seat and Shauvon’s checking herself out in a compact. Have you noticed that this is the setup on all their car rides? Dumby and Parisa up front like a married couple?

Dumby bitches that he can’t see behind him. Parisa tries to help, but Dumby rebuffs her with a lovely “fuck everyone” and “I want a male describing this.” Not very nice things to say, but who can blame him? If it weren’t for Parisa and her good morning chi-usurping ways…The rest of the kiddies exit the family truckster, cause they don’t like it when Mommy and Daddy fight. Dumby continues to bitch. Since Parisa is the only one still sitting there to listen, he momentarily shifts back to being her friend as he bitches about everyone else. “Can you understand what I’m saying?” he whines to her. Parisa, who seems to be finally growing a backbone today, points out that this is his MO. Getting mad at one roomie, and complaining about them to the next roomie. He’s the Regina George of the Real World Sydney.

At lunch, there is some discussion about who’s drinking and who’s the sober driver, and it’s determined that Trasha will drive. She’s a terrible driver, she tells us, and whoever gave her a license is an idiot. She’s had several accidents and tickets. Ummm…can’t get too judgmental on this one, dolls, I have to admit I’ll never be winning any driving awards myself. But Trasha’s probably a road rager, and I’m more of a take a good ten minutes to make a left turn kinda gal. I know, I know.

With this caveat in place, Trasha warns them that if they want her to do the driving, they better not give her any shit about it. Well, I really hate to agree with Trasha, oh Lord, do I hate to agree with her, but she’s got a point. If you want to party, don’t get mad at the one who stays sober to drive your drunken ass home. Isaac, KA and Cow recognize this logic and just take a cab.

Trasha is indeed having issues in the driver’s seat. Parisa sits in the back with Dumby and documents it all with her digital camera. Shauvon’s still busy checking herself out in the compact. Trasha gets about ten feet down the road and spots a tanning salon. Of course Trash fake bakes. She tries to jot down the number while driving. Parisa snaps a photo of Dumby praying.

You should totally text that pic to God.

Back at the house, Dumby recounts the experience to the boys. He says it was terrifying. She drives five feet, guns the gas and slams on the breaks. So, you mean a woman driver, Cow comments. Oh, come on. Gas, break, gas, break knows no gender. I’ve been in the car with offenders both man and woman. I’m starting to wonder if Cow was always an ass or has Parisa stolen his chi too? Isaac says nothing.

At 5:28 in the morning, Trasha’s complaining to KA and Parisa that she’s tired of getting her throat jumped down all the time. The girls gather all their info, and finally figure out that they guys are bigger drama queens than they are. They’re two-faced and sneaky. To prove her point, Trasha, rats out Dumby for talking shit on Parisa when she hasn’t done anything to him.

Trasha tells Parisa that Dumby says she cooks for them only to hang out with the boys, and by the way, he’s still on that whole “Parisa’s obsessed with me, she thinks we’re soul mates” thing. OK, this is all good for Parisa to know. But then Trasha takes it a step further and tells Parisa about the whole conversation they had earlier about her singing, only in this fictionalized version, it’s all Dumby. Trasha, you are some piece of work. Parisa is surprised. She thought her and Dumby were friends, but his behavior is proving otherwise.

The next day, the most mature person in the house, otherwise known as the guy in the jumpsuit, is trying to motivate the roomies to do some work. Isaac and his blue velour don’t want to have to back to the life of crime. He hits the most fabulous bathroom in Sydney, where Shauvon is, once again, primping. Staying out of the drama and focusing on looking pretty, that’s my girl! She’s flat ironing her hair in a teeny bikini top. Isaac offers her and Parisa options of doing the work that day or Wednesday. Shauvon pretty much ignores him, but Parisa gives him attitude.

Parisa’s pissed after the prior night’s illuminating convo with her buddy Trasha, who’s obviously only out for her best interest. You told me to be myself, she informs Isaac, so I’m going to be. OK, maybe you’re mad about what Trasha had to say, but how is taking it out on the job going to solve anything?

But, she does say that she needs to talk to the boys individually to find out what’s really going on. And by “the boys”, she means Dumby. When she confronts him about what Trasha said, he tries to divert her by ignoring the specific accusations, and tells her that Trasha talks more shit about her than anybody. Then he tells her how hurt he is that she would even make the accusation. I’m sure this trick works on Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie, but Parisa’s an Ivy League girl, so she doesn’t buy it.

Oh HELL no!

Dumby wants to know how Parisa can be manipulated by someone as stupid as Trasha. He’s the main backstabbing manipulator round these parts, and don’t you forget it! Then he proceeds to tell her how awesome her cooking is. Thought you didn’t need her snacks? Now they’re awesome? What a two-faced piece of garbage. Maybe Parisa’s a little annoying sometimes, but really, all this girl ever did was be nice to you. What’s her big crime? Cooking for you? Harboring a crush on you? Taking the time to care about your sucky life getting beaten and molested?

Parisa tells Trasha and Shauvon about the talk with Dumby, and Trasha is predictably righteously indignant about Dumby’s denial. What is with these two? Do they not notice the cameras that are recording everything? How do they think they’re going to pull this double-edged hypocrisy off? There’s a reunion show, you know.

These two miserable shits cry to the camera about how upset and hurt they are that Parisa would think they would say anything bad about her. Dumby calls Trasha a hypocritical, ignorant blob. Well, I can’t call him ignorant after his open-minded trip to the Gay Mardi Gras, but hypocritical blob…takes one to know one, douchebag.

We end up with Parisa realizing that she has two people claiming to be her friend, and neither one of them are. She’s not used to surrounding herself with people she can’t trust or be comfortable around. She doesn’t want to be around negativity and feels “icky” for getting sucked into it. I hear that, sister.

Cow says house is “coming to a head.” I should be happy about this, but it’s not so easy to write about such stupid “he said / she said” arguments. I’m just bored. Next week looks really juicy though, when Parisa steals Trasha’s Australian boyfriend! Til then…