Real World Brooklyn Reunion

Welcome back to the Real World Reunion! Maria Menounous is our host, because she’s a huge fan she tells us. Oh, nice that someone is. Or was at least paid enough to say it convincingly. She intros the roomies. Nothing new to report, except Sarah has a really cute new haircut with bangs, and Baya’s trying to dress like a hip, NYC dancer, but…well, keep trying, Whitebread. Oh, and Chet’s wearing hot pink shoes.

Why no matching sleeveless hoodie? Burning questions…

Maria immediately mentions that Ryan’s not there, and everyone talks about how much they miss him. Maria Menounous is really pretty. And then she drops a bomb – oh, I’m sorry, inappropriate? Whatever. Ryan’s there! He comes out, and Baya goes flying into his arms and wraps her legs around him. They’re so doing it.

Ryan looks really cute, and he tells us that he’s headed to Iraq in two weeks. No one in the Army realized who he was at first, but then he got some press in the hot publication, Army Times and the jig was up. What has it been like for everyone else? Well, Sarah’s been recognized about five times. People in San Francisco could care less, she reports. She should definitely move. What was the point, if not to get recognized? Scotty says that Chet gets recognized the most. Out in the city. Interesting.

Of course, he’s probably wearing his CHET hat every day.

Maria wants to pick up where we left up, with the big fight about the cereal and milk prank. They show a little clip, and then we really do pick up right where we left off. They continue to fight about it. No one’s conceding and that’s the short version. Then Maria tells us there’s a “secret relationship” from the house. Chet and Katelynn?

Chet tells us that after coming home to Utah, he’s moved to New York. It was a hard choice, there or LA, but New York is where his “contacts” are. We get another shot of Mama Mormon, always a treat. She wants to make sure Chet does his laundry. Loves her.

Well get new contacts so you can stop wearing those ridiculous fake glasses, poser.

Back in the studio, it’s boys versus girls. It all comes down to the car trip to Gettysburg. Poor Maria Menounous, having to pretend to ask interested questions about this. She really earned her paycheck today. Did Baya just mention something about the “demographic”? Oh, and Ryan just called Sarah fake! And a bitch. Now Chet’s picking on Sarah. Do I need to tell you what they’re talking about? It just seems unimportant and I’m not totally paying attention cause I’m also eating a cookie.

And Devyn’s singing, writing, building a website. “Building a br…” she starts to say, but then changes to “career”. Her agent told her not to say “brand” at the reunion, too obvious. Too bad he forgot to mention to not sing on camera. That part doesn’t go so well.

Katelynn is now working for the University of Montana. She says that the only reasons to leave Florida would be if she didn’t have her great job or great apartment, but she wanted to move in with the boyfriend so she tricked herself by quitting her job and then not having money to pay her rent, and presto! Now she has no reason to stay in Florida! Wait, wasn’t her “great job” cage dancing? I’m confused.

And then it’s time for Katelynn’s whole story. This was new for the Real World. We get all the other roomies reactions. Katelynn talks about having “taken one for the transgender team”. She’s the Jesus of trannies. How appropriate for Easter. They talk about JD outing Katelynn, and he does an awful lot of talking, which means he knows what he did but he won’t admit it.

What’d I do?

Then there’s a a disagreement between Ryan and Katelynn about their big conversation and how Katelynn “pulled the victim card” afterwards. Ryan insists that he asked her several times if she was okay with what they were talking about, but she argues that he approached her the wrong way. Whatever. I’m not covering it. They all need to make peace with these little things and move on. Ryan especially. War’s making him mad at everyone.

Then Maria brings up Katelynn walking around in her underwear. Katelynn has a prepared and rehearsed response, so Maria’s barely gotten the words out when Katelynn says if it had been Pam Anderson walking around in her underwear, no one would have complained. “Do I walk around in my underwear?” asks Scotty, “And I’m an underwear model,” he adds humbly. No. A couple of sessions in some pervy fat guy’s apartment don’t make you an underwear model.

Maria points out that Katelynn and Scotty have a special relationship. She brings up the money he gave her and asks if Katelynn ever paid him back. Katelynn stammers awkwardly, and Scotty jumps in and says, “She doesn’t need to.” Superman. Then he updates us on his career. Modeling, acting and it’s going really well. Sweet guy, but come on, I’m so sure. And Sarah hasn’t been doing a whole lot since the Real World. Hanging out in San Francisco with her boyfriend and her new dog.

Then we talk about “frenemies”. And about JD being crazy and how he went from being besties with the girls in the house to all of them hating him. Then there’s talk about the fight between JD and Dev. Oh, and JD’s bothered by the fact that Katelynn thinks he has no soul. And now we’re back to him outing her. Now his justification is that they all talked behind each others’ backs. And it’s all Katelynn’s fault for saying he “has no soul”.

She was nice and didn’t mention that he’s also lacking a personality.

Maria tries to get Katelynn and JD to make up. Katelynn determines that it would be a fake apology, and they can’t get along. Then Sarah gets back on the I Hate JD Train. Sarah looks really cute with that new cut and navy blue ruffly shirt. Now she’s carrying on about him moving out of their room. And how she basically doesn’t like him.

JD’s update is at the Seaquarium! He’s back to being a dolphin trainer. It’s an adjustment. He can’t go to the grocery store or the gym without being recognized, he tells us with a huge grin.

Ryan’s update is Army training. He’s got one more stop in Mississippi, and then it’s on to Iraq. Maria reminds us that Ryan’s going to war. She asks him about the night he found out. He was in shock. He admits to being scared, and not thinking about it. He knew he could have gotten out of it, but “that’s not me”.

Scotty talks about being on the scene when Ryan found out he was going back. Sarah says that she still considers Ryan a friend, and would never wish the call to war on anyone, and then of course she starts sobbing. And babbling about honor. Ryan doesn’t even move. He says he’s more prepared to go over there this time. Maria wants to know everyone’s opinions on war. Really?

Then we’re gonna talk about your favorite popsicles before moving onto an economics discussion.

Dev thinks that Ryan should be doing better things than war. Chet thinks of what Ryan could be doing, but also that Ryan’s just the best little soldier ever. Katelynn calls Chet Ryan’s Army wife. Well said. Chet speaks of Ryan, he loves him, loves his company…gay? Or what?

Oh, this is brilliant. DJ Baya! Since being on the Real World…she’s been practicing her “throw your hands in the air!” move and saying stuff like “sick beats”. She’s also been practicing her bedroom skills, cause she’s gotten some label to give her a deal. What kind of record, I have no idea. Beats? Whitebread? Precious.

Next up are the big questions of the the house…number one, Ryan and Baya. Number two, where was Baya? “I’m the night lurker in the background,” she says. Number three, is Chet gay? Chet says that we shouldn’t judge him based on skinny jeans. “He looks like everyone in San Francisco,” says Sarah supportively. “Exactly,” says Chet smugly. “Of course, it is the gayest city in America,” Sarah adds sweetly. See, every now and again she’s not the most annoying person ever.

I’m not gay. Just my glasses, my hair, my outfits, my shoes, and my spray tan are. My penis is Switzerland.

Then it’s on to Baya. I don’t think she was MIA. Then she spills about her anxiety issues. Then why come on the Real World? For the hip hop career? Don’t make us laugh, Whitebread.

But do tell what’s going on with Ryan! “It is what it is. It’s kind of ridiculous,” she says. “It is what it is. It’s kind of ridiculous,” says Ryan. So cute. Maria pressures them, and Chet pressures them, but the truth is, according to Ryan, “It’s hard to start, cause I’m leaving…but it’s a good start,” he says sweetly. Awwwwwws from the studio audience.

Then it’s time to grill Devyn about the visit from her cool club promoter boyfriend. They all accuse her of having sex in the house. “It’s easier to get into Devyn than 7-11,” one of the boys teases. She insists she was a good girl, but I’m not buying what she’s selling at that 7-11.

Katelynn gets similar treatment. They want to know about Rain. “Precipitation?” she asks coolly. No, some drummer. Katelynn sneakily asks if there’s video, certain that there’s not. “No, but there’s audio,” Maria Menounous informs her, shutting her smug ass down. The roomies are dying to hear it, but Maria says they’re not playing it.

And I’d like to take this time to say THANK YOU FOR THAT.

Maria reminds us that there was no “Show-mance” this season, but there was a “Bro-Mance”. And then we get a montage of the love affair. “Always be my bro,” says Ryan wistfully. They’re still besties, although Chet briefly chastises Baya for coming between them. Ryan tells us of Chet’s Dad’s advice to the two of them. “Ryan, take care of Chet. Chet, don’t be gay.” That’s all I need to know of Papa Mormon to know that man needs his own reality show immediately if not sooner.

And that’s all. We did it. Real World Brooklyn, you are nice people but you were boring as hell. Ryan, please don’t die in Iraq and make me feel bad for saying that. Kisses ’til Cancun, where the role of the Sneaky PA will be played by tequila…