This week on the Real World Brooklyn, everyone learns something. Still with me?
Chet is digging through JD’s stuff. “Lube!” he points out delightedly. He shares how intrigued he is with JD’s selection of extra large condoms. “I don’t think he’s ever seen a gay person before,” says JD rather kindly. Chet’s wearing one of those Arab looking scarves that some people find controversial. Also it’s purple. Chet takes real risks with fashion.
What’s it like being gay?
Chet grills JD about his penis size. But JD won’t talk, and Chet finally ends with a congratulations for JD being able to “fill an extra large condom”. He doesn’t really believe it’s possible. I feel a little sorry for Chet right now cause he’s making it really obvious that he’s got a little one. But in general, kind of yawn.
Four inches? Five?
Sarah’s doing Katelynn’s hair. It’s a touching girl bonding moment, and Katelynn decides to out herself as a transgender. A very nice and supportive conversation ensues where Sarah tells Katelynn how great she thinks the whole thing is, and Katelynn feels loved and understood, and I’m still a little bored.
So. What are your hobbies?
The next bit of major drama concerns the phone ringing in the house, and JD running to answer it. Oh, but it’s not the phone at all, it’s Chet and Ryan sitting in their room playing with a little alarm clock. Get the phone! Get the door! They’ve got poor JD running around like a puppet looking for the source. Practical jokes, how hysterical.
And then things gets a little better, cause Katelynn and Sarah are going to have a really deep conversation that, seriously, goes like this:
Katelynn: We live in a male-dominated, sort of chauvinistic, misogynistic sort of society.
Sarah: I hope that we enter a modern Renaissance…
And she said more after that but I was laughing too hard to write it down. A modern Renaissance? Did she rehearse this crap? Does she think she sounds smart? Chet peeks up with a box of cereal under his arm, and he looks like the Cereal Bandit. Ryan informs us that the “lame bus” just pulled into the kitchen, and dropped off yet another discussion. We don’t even hear the rest of his sentence, all we get is this:
Sarah: How ’bout the Egyptians and all their beliefs? So far ahead of their time!
Katelynn: The polytheists knew how to get down.
Poor Ryan. “My head’s gonna explode,” he says. Chet stands by popping what is not cereal, but popcorn in his mouth and listening bemusedly.
Sarah: We could not just have come from two people.
Katelynn: Eggs, chicken.
Sarah & Katelynn: (very politely) No, thank you.
I think this was the most priceless exchange ever on the Real World, especially the look on Chet’s face when he asks “Popcorn?” and the girls are so deep in their Human Sexuality 101 pyscho-babble that the beauty of it goes right over their heads. Ryan breathes a sigh of relief when he thinks it might be over…but no, now it’s time to debate the plight of the dolphin vs. the porpoise. Sarah’s pretty sure they need to write a book about it.
There’s a condom in the fish tank with a banana on it! JD is upset about it, cause he knows that Chet’s taken it from the drawer in his room. Apparently, Chet’s rooting through JD’s stuff and not even covering his tracks. Balls. Loves it. But JD’s totally annoyed, and calls a house meeting for everyone but Chet about it, where Devyn conveniently manipulates Sarah into offering to “talk to” Chet about his pranking problem the next day. Instead of telling everyone hell no, let JD fight his own battles, of course Sarah the busybody’s totally happy to do it.
Ominous music plays while Sarah confronts Chet with a pleasant smile on the front porch. She tells him that it was out of line for him to go through JD’s stuff and his drawers, which Chet denies doing and then gets really pissed off over being accused. Then he storms off, leaving Sarah to wonder what kind of art therapy she can offer to heal Chet’s pain? Macaroni art, perhaps?
So Chet grabs his guitar and tells JD he’d like to take it outside. They sit on the porch where all the minor, insignificant, boring confrontations seem to be going down, and Chet tells JD that the condoms were actually his – handed to him by various people “in the clubs” in New York. Sounds kind of weak to me, but whatever, he’s still denying going through JD’s stuff, and then he gets mad at JD for “just sitting there smirking” while he’s trying to resolve the situation.
You’re wearing a fauxhawk and a guitar. I thought I was supposed to smirk.
“We all had a talk last night,” JD tells Chet like a little girl on the playground. “Oh, you all had a talk?” Chet mimics back. JD, don’t be the gay guy who acts like the bitchy girl. But he tells Chet that nobody likes his pranks and they need to stop. “But they’re pranks, dude!” Chet replies. Now I’m on board with JD. See how dull these arguments are? I have no opinion. Every time someone talks, I just take their side. Then the other person talks and I’m like, eh, that sounds right to me too.
Anyway, yes they’re just pranks, and perhaps JD and “everyone” went about it the wrong way, but the pranks are effing annoying, so Chet should stop acting like a five year old and cut it out. The prank convo goes on a little longer, but I’ve already made my edict and I’ve got no more time for it.
Sarah, Baya and Katelynn go to Crunch, where I would sure love to work out cause wow, what a great gym, and Baya’s found some African dance class for them to try. Of course Baya’s got some earnestly expressed reason why she loves dance, “it’s letting somebody see your story through movement,” she explains, swiveling her hips in the Afro dance class. Her story is that she could not possibly look any whiter. Meanwhile, Katelynn flails around doing some moves suspiciously reminiscent of the African Ant Eater ritual from Can’t Buy Me Love. Sarah just giggles and bounces along. They talk about what a “true dancer” Baya is.
In the car on the way home, they discuss the roommates and how they would never think that Chet was a virgin Mormon. Transitioning to another one of Katelynn’s big tranny reveals, this time to Baya. Are we going to have to watch this with all the roommates? Baya’s curious, and Sarah nods knowingly at Katelynn’s story. “I have no intention of telling Chet or Ryan,” Katelynn tells the girls, and they agree that the two Neanderthals couldn’t handle it.
OMG we weren’t just all sitting around wondering if you were a tranny. The boys will never guess.
“Her story was so touching,” says Baya. “Powerful,” agrees Sarah, who then inexplicably talks about how normally when you tell a story like that, people want to kill you. Katelynn risked her life by talking. “Oh my God,” sobs Baya. Do people even realize?
Waaaaahhhhh trasnsgender wah.
The next day, Baya goes all Center Stage on us and calls to inquire about auditioning the Hip Hop Conservatory. Little Salt Lake Baya with her phony ‘I love dancing!’ smile auditioning for the Hip Hop Conservatory? I’m in! She has to submit a four hundred-word essay though, and that part’s kind of got her down. Well, it all depends on how bad the Hip Hop Conservatory wants free PR. Promises is pretending to detox Tara Reid, you know.
“It’s crunch time,” Baya tells us. Supportive roommate JD comes over to sit down and help her. Baya tells everyone in the house how she’s never going to make it and she doesn’t even know what she’s auditioning for. Me neither. Can we do something else?
Oh, okay, we’re going out. JD is organizing a night out in New York City. “Should we invite Chet and Ryan?” they wonder. And because the destination is Chelsea, only the gayest part of New York, the answer is sneakily yes! Chet puts on eyeliner and tells us the girls in the clubs who he wants to “interact with” like it. Maybe on the lower east side, but in Chelsea? He means the hags like it? Ryan grabs Chet and warns him very seriously of “assless chaps”. Chet is a first shocked, but then decides he’s down – he’s got nothing else to do.
In the car, JD gives Chet and Ryan the lowdown on the gay bar. “I’ll understand if you want to leave, it’s your first time,” he says condescendingly. Not to worry, Ryan’s trying to “expose himself”, while Chet reminds us once again that he’s not gay. They get in the club and Chet is shocked to notice that “It’s all homosexual men!” Ryan sees two dudes making out and needs a drink. JD offers Ryan $100 to dance with the drag queen Miss Peppermint…and Ryan does it. He makes a disgusting face the whole time, and she tricks him into kissing her on the lips by telling him it’s a kiss on the cheek. Ryan spends the next hour making sour faces and wiping off his mouth while the roommates laugh hysterically. Still. Damn. Bored.
This guy sure is butch.
They walk home and talk about what a fun night it was. Ryan is wasted and burping. When they get home, Sarah runs to share the Ryan kissing the drag queen news with Katelynn and Scotty who didn’t go to Chelsea that night. Ryan flies to the bathroom and practically brushes his teeth out of his mouth.
But the next morning Ryan’s serious. He’s on the phone with his girlfriend Michelle, and it’s confession time. That he accidentally kissed a drag queen. “That is disgusting!” yells Michelle.
Too bad Katelynn’s not here. This would have felt like a hug.
Sarah and Devyn accompany Baya to her hip-hop audition. Oh, JD comes too. Never one to miss an opportunity to be mushy and supportive, that one. The audition leader does a whole Debbie Allen routine and Baya’s scared. He asks her why she’s there. She loves the way dancing makes her feel. “Do you have values?” he asks her bitchily. What the hell does that have to do with dancing? But yes, she says, holding her own. She doesn’t appreciate the intimidation factor, but she gets it. The audition master makes them hold their arms out for a really long time and bounce around a lot.
Then they start doing choreography and Baya majorly eats it. She just can’t get the moves down. “I don’t feel like I was connecting with the music,” the white girl from Utah tells us. Her roomies pick her up after the audition and she explains away her hip hop dream by telling them that if she had to do this six days a week, she wouldn’t love it so much.
And wow, it’s only the second week and Chet’s entire family is coming for a visit! About six blonde, Stepford Mormons. Baya and Sarah talk about how wonderful Chet is, and Mama Mormon mentions how cute he looks today wearing “normal clothes”. Poor Chet. The purple thing just doesn’t translate in Utah.
Purple fanny packs down your ass don’t translate anywhere.
Devyn busts him for wearing eyeliner the night before and Mama Mormon’s eyes nearly pop out of her head. Chet takes them on a tour of the rest of the house, “See this guy? He’s a dolphin trainer!” he says excitedly pointing out a picture of JD. “You wore eyeliner? Whose eyeliner?” Mama Mormon demands.
“You look a little nervous, Mom,” Chet tells Mama Mormon as she sits down on the couch clutching her enormous Louis Vuitton satchel to her chest, as though someone on set of the Real World house might try and run off with it. JD comes in and the Mormon Sisters tell him they recognize him from his picture with the dolphins. “I just got off the phone with the trainers,” he tells them wide-eyed, “One of the whales just had babies!” Awwwww, go the Mormon Sisters collectively. Chet, you so owe him.
Next scene is at a hole in the wall Mexican joint with the whole family Mormon and Ryan. Chet tells his family that everyone in the house is really open…except when it comes to frat boys. He does make kind of point. You just know Sarah’s the type to care more about the rights of some endangered tree than a person who likes to drink beer and act like a tool around his friends. I’ve never been a fan of the fraternity species myself, but live and let live. Mama Mormon suggests that he tells the roomies he’s been kicked out of his fraternity several times, maybe that will give him some street cred.
“He lit someone’s hair on fire,” Mama Mormon says proudly. Ryan’s impressed, but Chet humbly clarifies that he simply held the lighter. Followed by Chet’s confession that he likes attention probably too much…and his plan of attack on this problem is to “do whatever I can to get it”.
In the car on the way home, Mama Mormon learns that JD is….gasp…gay! She’s really shocked. Like, really, really. “I know! I didn’t pick up on it either,” Chet says. It’s funny, cause he’s totally serious.
All I knew at first was that he had a giant penis.
When she gets back to the house she very smoothly tells JD that she hears he’s the “caregiver”. Ignorance can actually be adorable sometimes. “You keep him hydrated…” she adds apologetically. Is “caregiver” the politically correct term?
Chet’s Mormon family really loves JD. “We embrace everybody,” Chet says. They don’t care about race, sexuality and religion as long as you’re good people. I never knew the Mormons to be such bastions of tolerance, but I guess with that whole polygamy thing they kind of have to be? Mama Mormon hugs Chet goodbye and tells him not to forget who he is, which honestly, if I were Mama Mormon I wouldn’t be too worried about.. “And no more eyeliner!” she admonishes him, conveniently forgetting that “who Chet is” is an eyeliner-wearing Mormon. But it’s a very sweet farewell, with Mama Mormon asking JD to look out for Chet, like if he gets sick or something. “I wish my Mom was like that,” says JD and I really wish he would stop being like that. All this pulling on the heartstrings does not make for enjoyable Real World recapping.
Those conservatives really like their Susanne Somer’s hair.
Oh, and it gets worse. Five minutes later, JD’s sharing the story about how is Dad stole his social security number and identity to open credit card accounts, and poor JD had to have him arrested. Heck, I’d be onboard with Mama Mormon too if that’s what I was dealing with. His Dad? Who deserves that?
Phone call! It’s Safi, the intimidator from Baya’s Hip Hop Conservatory audition. Baya gives a whole long speech about how she’s not expecting to get in, and it wouldn’t be the right fit anyway, and Safi gives a speech basically just killing time before he breaks the big news…Baya’s in! No one ever accused hip-hop of not cashing in on free publicity.
And here’s where I give Baya credit, cause I think she knows that she totally ate it at her audition and sees exactly what’s going on…so she thanks him for the opportunity but politely turns him down. “I can’t commit my heart and soul to this,” she tells him. “I understand,” says Safi dejectedly, mentally calculating the lost opportunity cost of this Real World gig. Cause come on, if they were gonna take White Bread on, there had to have been some serious upside.
“But you still want to dance?” Chet asks her. Oh, absolutely, but she doesn’t like their method of “instilling fear”. Baya wants her dance training spoon fed to her out of a little sippy cup. “Work that no-rhythm thing, girl! Work it out!” is what Baya needs to hear and she knows dreadlocked Safi just isn’t gonna be down with it.
Um, that guy wants me to, like, practice. A lot.
Back to JD, on the phone with a detective back in Florida. The update is that JD’s Dad came down to the station…and totally confessed. And cried. “He was pretty remorseful,” says the detective leadingly, “I told him ‘your son seems like a good kid’, and that’s what really got him crying,” he prods a little further. But JD doesn’t back down. He’s put himself through a private university, and he’s not cutting Dad any slack. Any way you cut this cake, it totally sucks.
So JD goes out to drink the pain away, and apparently has an altercation with some immigrant lady at a bodega. He asked for Chapstick, but the bodega lady doesn’t understand him, and JD gets all mad about it. He comes home and bitches about how people need to just learn to speak English, which I’m not commenting at all about cause it’s only gonna get me in trouble, and of all people, Chet turns out to be the great defender of non-English speaking immigrants. Who saw that one coming? Although I suppose it’s easy to be tolerant over in Utah where everyone speaks the damn language. Oops sorry, still not commenting. I mean it.
This turns into a little fight between JD and Chet, who’s decked out in a jaunty newsboy cap. I really can’t waste my time covering these bore snore disputes, but I will continue to note Chet’s comebacks as long as they continue to be brilliant. “Go read your bible!” JD yells tauntingly at Chet. “That’s a good idea. I think I will go read my bible,” Chet says, not one purple feather out of place.
The next morning, who else but Busybody Sarah is up Chet’s ass asking him why he had to start with JD last night when he was so obviously drunk. “I didn’t know he was drunk,” says Chet coolly, meaning, look bitch, I know this is a an empowering new chapter in your shiny book of life but to everyone else it’s the damn Real World so get with the program, get wasted and give the people something to watch already!
But back to Baya’s white girl dance career. JD takes her to BDC, which is insider talk for Broadway Dance in NYC. I used to take classes there. I was the one in the back who never got any of the choreography…and so is Baya. Only diff is a) At least I have some rhythm, and b) I’m not calling myself a professional.
And back at the house, Chet wants to discuss things with JD. First of all, Chet’s family loves JD. And that’s all it takes for JD to spill his sad life story to Chet. More bonding. I take a break to order what surely must be my 90th gin & tonic of this recap. Chet tells us there’s not a lot of common ground between he and JD, but he has respect for him. “We’ll both be great Dads one day,” Chet shares. Uh, huh? Whatever, everyone’s friends and we call a day in the Real World house.
Next week, Ryan sings Baya a song and calls her cute. Unless he’s gonna cheat on his girlfriend with her, I don’t want to know. If interesting things don’t start happening here soon, I’m warning you, I’m just going to start making shit up. Either way, I always have kisses for you ’til next time…