Real World Brooklyn: Feeling Things

This week on Real World Brooklyn, Devyn gets taken down a notch by a tranny.

If there was a cork big enough, I would stick it in there right now.

We open with Scott driving while JD asks Devyn what she came to Brooklyn to do, other than be on a reality show and all. She says that she’s here to be an actor/singer and she’s “ready to open myself up in a maynor I never have before.” She doesn’t plan on on staying in New York because she doesn’t wanna “get suckered” into appearing on Broadway instead of “like sitcommy stuff.” Suckered into Broadway? I hope one day Kristen Chenowith beats the crap out of this girl. I see Devyn going very, very far. In that car.

WTF?

JD is in the back seat, and instead of saying “uh you’ve never done anything you ass” like a true gay friend would, he says that living in New York will be good for her because it’s a good place to get experience before you move to LA. She’s got double D’s. That’s all the experience she’ll need, k? She blathers on and on about how she’s not just some dumb girl who waits tables and hopes to be discovered, she’s studied theater, ok? AT THE COLLEGIATE LEVEL! How do people who graduate from college pronounce manner maynor?

Scott got the roomies invited to some special party and tells Ryan that he has to dress nice and not sing songs about tampons. Everyone gets gussied up and Sarah does Chet’s eye makeup. Seriously.

Draw him some eyebrows and cut off his dead two years ago fauxhawk and he might have a chance of getting in.

Ryan ends up in pleated khakis, a shirt and a tie, and a mustache. He looks like Katelynn used to.

Right?

We don’t see much of this special party. I suspect it’s because the cast showed up like they were at the Daytime Emmys when everyone else in Brooklyn dresses like dirty white kids with problems. Greasy hair and plaid. There is a lot of laughing heard in the background, and it’s most likely due to the fauxhawk. How Chet made it out of that bar un-bruised is beyond me. Brooklyn, you’re becoming a giant pussy.

Scott’s model friend is there, and Chet wants to hook up with her. He hangs all over her all night and tries to mack on her, but he’s, well, Chet. She does enough to keep the cameras on her, but she doesn’t even give him a kiss on the cheek. In all fairness, she might not have wanted to mess up his foundation. Ryan stands in a dark corner trying to not look jealous while telling us that Chet has no game. Chet asks Ryan if he should try to make Alex jealous by dancing with another girl. LOL. She’d probably be grateful that she can breathe for five minutes.

You shoulda worn the pink scarf.

Leggo my Eggo, slut!

Later that night, back at the loft, Baya encourages Chet to keep going after Alex and says that it was “fate” that brought them together tonight. HA. A, not together. B, it’s not fate when her best friend invited her somewhere with him, and C, all Chet can think about is getting his f ing makeup right. Chet says “Alex is definitely into me” .

You’re pretty and witty and…

He says that this could blossom into something very special. Cut to flowers about two days from dying.

The next morning, JD answers the phone and it’s some really weird, rude guy who wants to know where Sarah is but won’t say who he is or what he wants. It’s always the ones with the most relationship advice who have the most fucked up relationships. The minute Sarah said she wanted to be an art therapist, I knew she was gonna be a nutritious source of crazy.

The girls weren’t home for the call because they were out shopping. Sarah is trying to stop Katelynn from buying whore clothes, but Katelynn says that she has a cute ass so she needs to show it off. Sarah gets frustrated and just says no a lot. Chet’s with them, but he’s still in the closet and can’t be the gay friend K needs right now. I would hope that if JD was there, he’d grab K by the shoulders and say as firmly as possible “there’s a difference between dressing like a tranny hooker by the river and dressing like an actual woman, k? Put down the foot high platform pumps and get your bony ass to Express.”

In the car on the way home, Katelynn jokingly hits Sarah on the arm and Sarah says it was too hard. Chet says she needs to get conditioned. “To being hit?” He suggests that her boyfriend should get her conditioned. He’s joking, because he doesn’t know about her abusive past. She says her boyfriend would never hit her and if he did he would be out. “So you hold grudges.” Dude, wtf is up with Chet? He doesn’t even make sense. Sarah starts getting riled up and tells him that she has had an abusive past and her father hurt her many times. Chet says that she needs to learn forgiveness and let him back into her life. Wow. What an ignoramus.

Are we there yet?

So back at the loft, the rude ass calls again asking for Sarah and will only introduce himself as “it’s private.” She comes to the phone, and it’s her dad. Who, I’m assuming from the previous scene, sexually abused her. She freaks out and tells him not to ever call this number again and he says they need to do lunch and there’s no reason they can’t talk. She’s losing it. He says she needs to cut the drama. I only raped you as a child, what’s the problem? It’s nothing a nice bowl of rigatoni at the Olive Garden can’t solve. He says that she’s making an issue out of exaggerations and lies from her mother. Interesting. So she doesn’t remember being abused but thinks she was because her mom told her she was? And who gave him the number to the Real World house? I’d like to think we live in a world where sneaky interns don’t try to create drama by passing off digits to sexually abusive dads, but this is the Real World. Not cool.

She calls her mom freaking out about it and her mom gets super pissed and tells her that the roomies are going to have to screen her calls and “don’t be a victim! Be empowered!” Strong mom. I like her. Her tough love works and calms Sarah down. She tells us that her dad has called her every three to four months for eight years and just won’t get it into his head that she can never talk to him again after “what happened.” I only put that in quotes because we don’t know what happened technically. Not because I don’t believe it. Wow. This is a heavy season. Where’s the hot tub?

Sarah runs into Chet in the bathroom and tells him that her dad just called. One of the other roomies must have filled Chet in on what was going on, because instead of going on a bs “forgiveness” rant, he says that he can’t believe her dad would keep torturing her like that. Whatevs, you’ve lost all credibility with me. I hold grudges. On a side note, somehow, between this morning and now, he’s become three shades darker.

Just saying.

This is depressing.

I know, right?

Later that night, the roomies go to the only bar that ever lets them in, and Sarah is immediately annoyed when JD brings in “this….friend.” Or she’s annoyed cuz JD’s drunk off his ass. Either way, her annoyance is funny. JD introduces Chet as “the Mormon” and says that Angelique, the friend, is “flawless! She’s like the #1 transsexual in the world!” In case you’re not impressed yet, “she blows out Madonna!” LOL. Who wants to be the one to explain to JD that Madonna is not, in fact, a transsexual? Easy mistake.

JD continues on about how awesomely transsexy Angelique is, and adds “Katelynn’s nothing!” Not that he’s dissing Katelynn or anything. Cuz he totally loves her. Next up is Devyn. He introduces Angelique and says “She’s been on American Idol!” I’ll bet Simon had a fun time with her. She was most likely one of the train wrecks and still walks around telling everyone she was on American Idol. My guess is that there were a lot of “da doink!” and “boioioioioing” sound effects during her audition. Anyway, Devyn says that she’s a singer too and JD retorts “yeah but she’s much better than you!” Devyn says he hasn’t heard her sing yet, but JD says “I’ve heard you sing!” LOL. Devyn goes to Sarah and says she wouldn’t “like ever like blahblahblah” say that to a friend even if she was drunk “cuz like blahblahblah” and I’m all huh you are. I’m on the edge of my seat to see if anyone this season will be able to make an argument in complete English sentences.

JD takes his World Diss Tour outstide, where he keeps on about how Angelique is better than Devyn. Well, one thing I’ll say for miss Angelique is that she’s no lazy guest star who just wants to be in a few shots. She marches her butt back into the bar and gets on stage while JD announces “Please welcome the tranny that blew out Madonna! She’s fierce and fierceness fierces!” Angelique calls Devyn up to the stage for a game of “which one of these nobodies used to have a penis?” No one in the audience can tell, so they switch games and decide to have a singoff instead. Devyn starts. Amateur! You never start! She starts off ok, but by the second line she’s off key and nasally and basically just bad.

When you’ve embarrassed the girl who gets wasted and herky jerky Elaine Benis dances on the bar, it’s time for a lesson.

She gets some groans and semi boos as she sings the verse and then hands Angelique the mic for “I hope you daaaaaaaance!” Come on, Devyn! What are you thinking? You give away the money shot? Angelique nails it, well at least according to her tranny fannie.

I give you a nine!

Just in case Devyn didn’t feel dissed enough, here’s some more JD.

Sarah, who has apparently not had enough drama today, comes straight home to tell Katelynn that JD brought “another trans girl” out and said that she makes Katelynn look like “wha?” She never finished the sentence, but she didn’t have to. Katelynn doesn’t mind basically being called fug, but she does mind that she was outed to Chet, who didn’t know. Yeah, honey, you’re a complete mystery. You know who outed you first? Your Adam’s apple. Sarah says that Chet didn’t even seemed surprised at all. LOL. Oh my god I just figured out who Katelynn looks like! It’s been bugging me for hours. Christian Siriano from Project Runway!

Finally got rid of that haircut.

While the girls OMG and oh no he didn’t to each other, JD walks in eating a bowl of Fruit Loops. Fitting. Were they all out of Frosted Flakes at C-Town? She tries to start a conversation with him, but all he can say is “wizahhhaaa?”

Katelynn tells us that she feels super betrayed by JD. Get in line honey, cuz I think Devyn might have a better case. The next morning, Devyn is bitching to the roommates about getting called up on the stage without even having a chance to warm up. Cuz that would have really helped. That said, she’s right that it was rude of JD, and she cuddles up with him on the couch and tries to be gentle about it. JD almost bites his lower lip off. He knows he’s in troubs.

Wadn’t me.

Devyn tells him that what he did the other night was “so disrespectful, so dismissive and so dismeaning” woahwoahwoah, shoulda stopped at disrespectful, Webster. JD blames the alcohol, but Devyn says alcohol’s only an excuse for cowards. I would agree, but it means I will have to re-apologize for a lot of crap so I’m just gonna stay away from that one. Then JD tries to blame Angelique, but Devyn’s not having that one either. She says it was his fault for starting a rivalry with his words. Then he tries to blame Bush and Devyn reminds him that Obama’s the president now. She tries to end the conversation cordially and shake his hand but he wants a kiss and a hug. She won’t give it to him. HA. That’s what you get for being dismeaning.

Next we see Devyn at lunch with her cousin, who’s in the national tour of The Color Purple. Got suckered, eh? Cousin is very polite, even though she doesn’t seem too close with Dev and it’s pretty obvious that she’s being shaken down. She gives Devyn an address for a casting director and is very polite, and I can’t wait for her to see the clip of Devyn dissing Broadway and then losing to a tranny in a sing off.

It’s gonna rain on yo head.

Chet is on the phone with Alex, who’s calling about dinner. She asks if it’s just gonna be the two of them or if Scott’s coming. Chet asks if she wants it to be just the two of them and she says “whatever you want”. He wants to know if it would be preferable if it’s just the two of them and she’s like “uh….whatever. It would be fun either way.” Is everyone on this show fucking ten years old?

Now I’m gonna have to pick a bracelet.

He ultimately decides “no Scotts allowed” and tells us that she’s totally into him so the date will go smoothly. Cut to fireworks going off over the river. After one of the most juvenile and snore inducing conversations ever. The editors are smart asses. Later, we see Sarah answering the phone. It’s her dad again, insisting that she has been brainwashed by her mother into thinking he did things that he didn’t. So is this a case of latent memories? She says that she remembers exactly what happened and doesn’t want him to call her ever again. I wish this were a scripted drama so we’d get to the bottom of this. I am really curious about just what the hell’s going on. Oh, wait! We do find out!

After the commercial break, Devyn and Sarah have a heart to heart. And by heart to heart, I mean Sarah monologues while Devyn plucks her eyebrows. Sarah says that when she was a little girl, she was molested in day care by one of the teachers. She told her mom about it and went through therapy and learned to deal with it. Then her parents separated and her father started doing “things that just weren’t right.” Like this one time, he took her on a camping trip, just the two of them, and only brought one sleeping bag. She freaked out and told her mom to come pick her up and they’ve been trying to prosecute him for the past eight years but because he technically didn’t do anything they don’t have a case. “But he tried to!” Actually, no you never said that he tried to, either. You said that he only brought one sleeping bag. Look, I don’t recap this show for a very good reason. Mostly because it deals with real issues and I hate real issues. I’m just a fill in, and I’m not here to tell a molestation victim that she doesn’t have a right to feel pain and do whatever she has to do, but come on. Her father didn’t molest her! WTF? I’m hoping you guys have a lot of opinions about this, because I’m sitting here with a scrunched up face and a twisty turny stomach. Anyway, Sarah says that she feels like she’s been trying to get someone to listen to her her whole life.

Uh huh. Wait. What?

Sarah says that even her family members call her a liar and Devyn says that makes her very strong. Or f ing crazy. You decide. Later, Devyn gets a call from the casting director her cousin set her up with. Her mom sent a picture and resume for her. The casting guy wants to set up an audition where Dev will have two monologues prepped along with a song. She says that she is excited because his calling her personally must mean he’s super interested. Or that he doesn’t have a secretary. Quick, call your mom and have her learn two monologues and a song.

Later, Dev takes a hot tub with Scott. YAY hot tub! Welcome back! Devyn is something else. She preens and poses and is very careful not to submerge her star quality, er, boobs, so that Scott can have a chance to fall in love. She tells him about her audition. She’s so nervous because she has to learn all new songs! You have to sing one song. But it’s a cappella and that’s like the hardest way to sing ever!! Scott tells her it has to be easier than the “transvestite sing off”. Good lord man, transvestites don’t sing, they lipsync! This was a tranny sing off! I’m glad we’re all learning to get past our ignorance this season. Dev starts going off about how that was so unfair and Scott tells her that if she’s gonna be a pro she needs to be ready at all times and Dev argues that the tranny was “over prepared”. She’s sure of her ways because she’s accomplished more in her twenty years than the average person. Well, that’s true. Not many people can say they were publicly outchicked by a tranny.

And….wind machine.

Now it’s the morning of the audition and Devyn is walking around the loft looking like dog shit practicing The Star Spangled Banner. She’s way better than when she was up against Angelique. She’s also way hotter.

As she drives into the city (who drives into the city?) she practices her monologue about sharting her pants cuz she was so into a guy. LOL. Devyn’s cluelessness is really a beautiful thing.

This should be the entire hour.

She misses her turn and ends up in the Holland Tunnel on the way to Jersey and starts freaking out. “Who plans to go to Jersey?” HA. What a nimrod. Maybe there will be some casting directors at IKEA. She’s about half an hour late so far and the casting director is sitting all alone in a most likely rented out space waiting for her. It’s sad. For both of them.

This room is fifty an hour. I better get some good shart jokes.

When she finally gets there, she’s charming enough not to get a Payless loafer up her cornhole. The first thing CastGay tells her is that her resume type is so cheap that it smudges. Her mom’s gonna get an earful later. He asks what she wants to do and she says she doesn’t mind theater so much but she really wants to do film and tv. Perfect thing to tell a guy who casts THEATER! Oh man. She does a monologue about finding out she has HIV, and he tries to get her to be “real”. She can’t even be real in real life, so she moves on to the song. What? Where’s the shart monologue? He says he only has two minutes, and she explains to us that casting directors are very busy and never let you get through the entire audition. Especially when you’re forty five minutes late and they’re paying for the room by the hour. She says her song is only two minutes. Cut to a five minute long, painful note of the Star Spangled Banner. Ouch. Not good. CastGay is very sweet and doesn’t laugh in her face. He tells her that he will keep her in mind if something comes up, but he only casts “theater“. I wait for him to add “you dumb bitch” but he doesn’t.

Poor America.

Devyn gets home and tells the roomies about going to Jersey on accident. Ryan is mortified and says that being late is career suicide. Thanks, Pro! Didn’t he just show up at an audition with a friend in tow and then proceed to sing a song about tampons? Over in the phone room, Sarah is talking to her mom again about how she’s not gonna let her Dad bring her down. Instead, she’s gonna empower herself by volunteering for a victim’s rights organization. She googles “nyc alliance against sexual assault.” I am just going to not say anything right now.

She ends up volunteering to teach art at a community center in Harlem. She gets paired up with a cute little girl and they make some phallic art. Wait. This story line is disturbing me. Make it stop!

And I was complaining about writing a Heroes recap.

Time for Chet’s date with Alex. He waits for her in Little Italy. And he waits. And waits. He thinks he’s getting stood up, but after dark falls she shows up and they eat pasta. She feeds him and touches him a lot, and then they go back to the loft, where she immediately wants to know why he has a notebook that looks exactly like her blouse.

It’s either fate or you need to stop buying clothes in the school supplies aisle.

They flirt and cuddle and look at the Statue of Liberty. Alex is only nineteen and Chet says it’s good because she’s innocent. She says he’s more innocent than she is and he agrees. He’s never seen a naked woman before. When he asks when she wants to go home, she answers “when do you want me to go home?” “So you’re spending the night then?” They laugh, and she says that someday she will spend the night. Oh no you won’t, heathen!! I am surprised he didn’t get up and run away. He says that she’s totally attracted to him but he hopes she can respect his dating parameters. Oh for chrissakes. Just buy a training bra already, Nancy!

Later that night Chet tells Ryan that he really had a good time with Alex and Ryan says “yeah but you don’t wanna marry her.” Chet says that’s true. Ryan says the only reason you date is to find out if you’re gonna marry a person. Really? Cuz all this time I thought it was to get free dinner and fuck a lot. No wonder I’m single. These two are gonna be shocked when they actually leave the loft and go to more than one bar. Some other night, Katelynn, Sarah and Chet are driving along and the girls are giving him shit about not ever having sex or touching a boob or even jerking off. He says that people who don’t masturbate have nocturnal emissions, and he’s not ashamed. I really wish Ryan, his roommate, was here for this. His eyes would pop out. He tells us that people just don’t understand him and he’s sticking to his virginity thing til he gets married. “It gets harder every day.” I can imagine.

So there you go. Thanks for having me this week. Chicky will be back for the next recap. THANK GOD. I’m gonna go back to my regular schedule of not feeling things now. xo