Real World Brooklyn: Phones Don’t Grow on Trees

This week on the Real World Brooklyn, the boys act like bitches, and not just the gay one.

This is what we’ve come to.

We open up on a very, very, very, very messy house. Now I’m not surprised, cause you know in all the Real World houses I’ve ever watched it’s always been a pigsty and there’s always been some episode somewhere along the line when people fight about it. Neatness and cleanliness are touchstones of the Real World story arc. And today’s the day for Brooklyn.

This season, on the Real World, the boys are the neat freaks. JD walks around with rubber gloves, Ryan’s taking out the trash, Chet’s in the laundry room. Whistle while you work, boys, but before anyone gets any warm feelings about gender equality, the boys start their bitching about how the girls never clean. They think they’re at a resort, gripes Scotty. All Devyn’s “capable” of doing is shopping and dating a million guys, says Chet.

Rats? Clean.

Cut to Katelynn, Sarah and Baya feeding each other ice cream while Ryan rinses off some dishes. “They’re not team players,” is his complaint. Meanwhile, Devyn’s naked ass is fast asleep with a lavender eyeshade. JD tells us that all she does is sleep and talk on the phone. See Chet, she’s “capable” of more than shopping and dating.

Poor girl’s back probably hurts.

But Dev also leaves her hair all over the sinks and that really does gross me out. Actually, the whole mess grosses me out but everyone knows that’s just what happens when you have roommates. That’s why I live alone. So Chet plucks Devyn hairs out of the sink while she chats on the phone and the other girls laugh like hyenas over their ice cream.

And JD not happy. “It took six hours to clean the house today,” he whines. And so he’s taken to the computer to type a note to the roomies. Then he calls Baya over to get her in on it. And it’s a chore list! “This is the best way to do it, it will be so much fun!” he gushes, enthusiastically ticking off chores on the list while Baya sits there with a WTF look on her face.

“Clean all three showers! Take out the trash! Clean the carpet!” he describes each chore in detail and then asks Baya if she likes the idea. “Oh yeah,” she says totally sarcastically. “Really?” JD replies proudly, like see, I knew it was going to be cool! Baya tells us that they’re adults, and she’s not signing off on some chore list.

Maybe if you used less punctuation and more caps lock.

And now he’s got the confidence to bring his new, fun plan to Sarah. “It would be a fun, group thing!” he says, appealing to her freaky side. “I don’t know if it would be a fun group thing,” she deadpans back. The she tells him she doesn’t want to be involved in a chore list. “It’s not a chore list,” JD mumbles in return, as he clicks over a numbered, well, list of chores.

JD and Sarah have a little argument about whether or not it’s a chore list, and then JD tells us how hard it is to talk to Sarah. But you’ve got to give the guy credit for tenacity, cause two seconds later he’s over in the bathroom with Katelynn, selling her the chore plan with the same “Chores are fun!” pitch that fell flat with the other two.

“Listen,” Miss Katelynn says, flinging her hair around, “Two of you are neat freaks. I’m not a neat freak. But to say that I must subscribe to your cultist neat phenomenon? No!” Take back the night, girl! Baya sits by giggling. Oh no, honey. JD doesn’t like that. No laughing when he’s having words with someone. Then Katelynn tells JD “fuck you and your dolphin training ass” which I didn’t feel was necessary. And I guess JD didn’t either, cause he throws back one of the other time honored and tested real world themes, and that’s “respect”. Ah, it’s not a Real World until someone’s not respecting someone else. We have arrived.

When I told everyone you were a tranny after promising to keep your secret, I did it with the most respect possible.

And we have arrived in a pickup truck with some landscaping on the back. What a bizarre design accessory for the outside of the house. What does it do? You can’t drive it anywhere. You can’t sit on the back of it cause it’s filled up with a pile of sticks and a topiary dog.

Anyway, Chet and his boyfriend Ryan are headed out to Fairway to watch the owner film some webisodes. What the heck’s a Fairway? Turns out it’s a supermarket, and the webisode is all about turkey. The owner is Dan and we meet him doing hair and makeup in the poultry aisle. Dan has invited Chet and Ryan on the “shoot”, ostensibly because he knows they’re interested in production, but really cause they have a camera crew following them and let’s be honest, Dan, is clearly in the market for his fifteen minutes. Come on, a webisode about cutting a turkey? Hate to break it to you dude, but a cell phone video on YouTube would have done the trick and we don’t even need that.

The dancing cat is unfortunately unavailable today, so we’re going with the dead turkey.

Ryan is interested, and impressed with the camera. He’s always been interested in filmmaking, even in high school. And then we go into the turkey demo which includes several variations of the instruction to get the tip of the knife into the turkey, but not too deep. Which the boys find hilarious. Ryan wants to know if Dan’s talking about sex or the turkey. I don’t know sweetheart, did you wear that blue flannel and scruffy hair around him? Cause if you did, he was definitely talking about sex. Ryan’s having a hot, hot moment and the fact that it comes complete with a mute button makes it even better. But he stupidly addresses the sex question to Chet. How would he know? He’s a virgin. I’m not though. And I didn’t realize your eyes were so blue.

Next thing you know, the boys are interviewing Dan and collapsing into giggles every time he mentions the tip of the knife. Although, in their defense, he does kind of talk about it a lot. And you can’t cut a whole turkey with just the tip, you have to go all the way in. Oh my. I might have been giggling too. So the boys are pretty sure Dan won’t be inviting them back for any more webisodes, but Ryan’s now got the directing bug.

So he heads home and applies to film school! Ryan’s a real man of action. Or the recipient of some very generous editing. Katelynn helps him with the application, and Ryan tells us that he thinks he can paint a picture with film. Sweet, but why would you paint a picture with film? Wouldn’t you just use paint?

Never mind. That looks like a square pizza that’s been left out for a week.

And then it’s time to head back to the chore master, JD. He’s got Sarah in for a sit down to tell her that she’s very difficult to talk to because every time he tries, she just sits there and smirks. Sarah sits there and smirks at him. She thinks of those situations as silly and funny, she tells him. She tells us he’s too sensitive. And then she throws in a condescending, “If you have a problem with me, talk to me.” But JD volleys right back with the observation that the last time he tried to talk to her outside the bar, she walked away. Had a hot game of Bingo to get to, if I recall.

JD tells Sarah that they need to talk about the small things that push their buttons, and talk about pushing buttons! All of the sudden Sarah’s completely closed off and defensive, telling JD that she doesn’t “care enough” to address any of these issues. Please come to me with your issues, but don’t expect me to care about them. Thanks, kisses. She’s a case.

JD says that he tried, but she blew him off and he’s hurt. They kind of go back and forth, and then Sarah tells him she doesn’t know when he wants to have a serious conversation, to which he responds that he doesn’t know that about her either to which she replies that she doesn’t want to have a serious conversation. Huh? Now I’m really confused, and starting to understand why men complain about the missing link of logic that happens when you argue with a woman.

Thanks, Sarah. You’re making us look great.

“You’re not that important to me,” she tells him petulantly. Then she says that not all of them are going to get along perfectly, and JD happens to be a personality type that doesn’t fit with her. She stalks out of the room, leaving JD sitting there looking kind of sad.

Then it’s time for Ryan to start classes at the New York Film Academy. Oh, he’s all dressed up for the occasion in a dirty, frayed trucker hat. Very filmmaker-y. He knows it’s going to be a lot of work and intense, but he’s ready to learn. He goes home and tells the boys about school. He loves it. “It’s an art!” he tells them excitedly.

Then he goes out to – wait, what is this? Urge? What happened to Angels & Kings? Are there two bars on this season of the Real World? Wait, is the earth still rotating? Wow. Anyway, Ryan’s there with Baya and JD, who are both a rapt audience. JD’s really tarted up for the night out, in a pale yellow sweatshirt borrowed from Chet and a white bandana that he borrowed from the Karate Kid.

This place stinks. We should clean it together. I’ll make a list.

Back in the house, JD’s on the phone and he needs to vent. To someone named Matthew. He’s saying that there’s a lot of tension in the house, and he’s wondering if he should call a house meeting. Then he says the most heart wrenching thing, that he he came on the Real World for the family he never had. I know he’s said it before, but it kind of seems like he really means it.

And then he says something even sadder, that he thinks he set his expectations too high in trying to find a family on the Real World. Well, obviously, but just that fact that he was ever that deluded makes me want to adopt him. The mysterious and sage Matthew tells JD that getting through this will help him get through other things down the road.

Back to the artist – Ryan’s filming something in the park. Wow, a student filmmaker filming in the park, we’re really leaping out of the box creatively. Chet and Scotty are his actors. The plot of the film is Chet sits on a bench and reads a newspaper with an apple next to him. Scotty steals the apple and walks away. Chet speaks for a long time about how clearly Ryan gave him the role that was more demanding, and how impressed he was with his own performance.

You’re shooting the wrong mess.

Then it’s time to catch up with Sarah, who’s teaching her art therapy class at the gay community center. “Use color!” she encourages them. “Express what you feel when you feel really good about yourself!” she explains earnestly to a sad sack bespectacled guy with dirty gray hair and a worn out shirt. He rolls his eyes at her. “You know, when you look in the mirror and today is a good day!” she continues perkily. “Okaaaaaaaay then,” the faded gold stripes on his shirt would say, if they could talk. But he shrugs gamely and gets to sketching. Sarah walks away looking very pleased with herself.

Well, she might feel great about art therapy, but her home life is a mess. JD is still upset about their lack of communication, and now he’s taking the case to Baya. He tells her that Sarah doesn’t listen, but he really wants to work things out between them. Poor JD. He’s really trying, and he’s not being a jerk about it either. He’s really pushing for this house meeting.

Baya reports back to the girls, and Sarah immediately retorts that she doesn’t want a house meeting. What’s the big damn deal? Sit down with your roommates and talk. And hello, you thought you were going to get through a whole season of the Real World without someone calling a house meeting? Please, once the word “respect” was uttered, it was only a matter time. That house meeting’s been a ticking time bomb for at least a week now.

Why sir that picture looks like me! Is that a noose around my neck? Sir I’m uncomfortable.

Sarah acts all bothered, and says that if someone has a problem with someone else and blah, blah, blah, conveniently forgetting that when JD tried to do that, she didn’t care. Katelynn’s not excited either. Devyn decides that if no one attends, there’s no house meeting. And so their brilliant plan is hatched.

Over at film school, Ryan is in the editing room telling us that’s his favorite part of the process. He likes the solitude and alone time. And he really likes it, cause he doesn’t get home until nearly 2 a.m. He manages to swing by the confessional to say that he’s going to sleep for about four hours and then do it all over again the next day…and he can’t wait.

The next day at film school, they screen Ryan’s film called The Apple. Ryan looks nervous. It’s a cute, tiny little film. The teacher asks for thoughts. “The film’s not overexposed,” says a scruffy, chubby dude who might just be jealous. But overall, Ryan gets great reviews. I think I like Ryan’s films better than his music.

I stole a tampon from one of the girls. I was thinking we could shoot it.

Back at the house, Chet and Scotty are handling the very important business of bitching about how messy the girls are. “How hard is it to clean up after yourself?” they whine to each other. Listen, I hear where they’re coming from, but people are messy and that’s just the way it is. Deal. Scotty leaves a note on the sink that says something about cleaning up dirty dishes and also throws in something about being respectful for good measure. Oh, now there’s two people carrying the hallowed Real World Respect torch today. We’re so blessed.

And the girls are still busy playing cards. Chet’s inspecting cups in the kitchen, and he determines that they all smell weird. Scotty finds an empty coffee cup and starts in on that. Well, actually, he just asks Katelynn to clean it. “You ain’t my boss, you ain’t my boyfriend, you ain’t my parent, you ain’t my sibling, don’t tell me what to do,” she says. Whew. All that was missing was a head roll and a snap.

Scotty tells her that he asked nicely, and then hops on the Disrespectful Bandwagon for a little ride. He tells us that Katelynn likes to walk around in her underwear all the time, and if the rest of them have to put up with that, then she needs to put up with washing her dishes. I’m not sure I’m seeing the connection there, but I do kind of see his point.

But then Katelynn drops another point for the girls team, as she marches into her room and declares that anyone who knows her knows that if you ask her nicely, she’ll do it in her own time. Well, first of all, he kind of did ask nicely. And second of all, judging by the mess she’s living in, her “own time” appears to be in the neighborhood of never.

The girls head out of the house, and Katelynn’s going on and on about winning the battle of the dirty coffee cup. Back inside, Scotty’s onto her. And he’s not taking this thing lying down. No, he’s swiped the car keys off the key chain, knowing the girls are on their way out somewhere in the car. “The keys might magically reappear when they clean their mess,” he tells Chet airily.

Ah, adolthood.

The girls are outside all confused over the missing key. “Act like a child, I’ll treat you like a child,” Scotty crows from up on his high horse. Get a grip, abs. Yes, people should clean up after themselves, but who died and made you judge and jury of the Lysol tribunal?

Sarah calls back to the house and asks Chet if he or any of the boys have the keys. Chet pretends to ask them and tells her “no”. Scotty’s strutting around saying that in addition to not being Katelynn’s boss, parent or boyfriend, he’s also not her maid. And that back when he was a boy, if he didn’t clean up after himself, he wasn’t allowed to leave the house. And clearly, these rules should be imposed upon his adult (sort of) roommates. Seriously, someone get me a mop that I can use to knock this princess off his Costco sized bottle of Clorox.

Sarah comes back into the house wondering where the car keys are. And Scotty tells her to tell Katelynn that “the key might appear if she cleans her stuff”. Sarah’s really annoyed, but she doesn’t go off, she just heads over to the sink and cleans Katelynn’s cup. She tells Scotty that if he was mad at Katelynn, he should have dealt with her instead of punishing Sarah, who actually has to be somewhere. But Scotty thinks that the other girls being mad at Katelynn is somehow going to solve the problem.

Sarah cleans, and then gets the keys. Scotty says he feels bad that Sarah’s going to be late for her art class, which I don’t really believe, but he tells us that the girls need to learn that their actions have consequences. Really? And what exactly are the consequences of a dirty coffee cup? Besides the ones self imposed by you, jackass?

I just like this pic. Very feminine.

But back to the art. Ryan’s on the pier with a buddy from film school and some little cameras. It’s a crash course, he tells us. His friend films Ryan walking on the pier. He’s acting in his own film too, he tells us. “Acting’s so easy,” he says. He decided to make something dark and dismal. I’m sure there’s an Iraq angle in there somewhere. He throws some beer bottles against a graffiti smeared wall. It’s all, like, dark and dismal and stuff.

At the house, Baya is washing her face and trying to stay out of the dirty dish mess, while Sarah is pledging to do all of their dishes to avoid what happened that day with the hidden car keys. Baya tells us that ever since Gettysburg, it’s been a boys versus girls thing and the fights are over silly things.

The girls cram themselves into the confessional and complain about the boys. JD overhears them from the computer room, and is once again offended. Ugh, it’s exhausting. He says the roommates are starting to remind him of his brothers and sisters back home. Well, back it up, chore whore. I thought the whole point of this Real World thing for you was to find a family? Did you mean you just wanted to replace the one you already have? Cause families are supposed to argue about stupid stuff. It’s kind of their job.

Yikes. I’ll take the old family, thanks.

Same night, Chet and Scotty walk in the house and Chet tells us that he was immediately looking for Ryan. Aw, love sweet love. Chet starts trying to call him. “I don’t like that he’s not home,” says Scotty, fake worriedly. It occurs to me that Scotty’s probably loving Ryan in film school, cause now Chet’s available. “He went into the city, he hasn’t come home. My mind’s racing. He could have been hurt. Or kidnapped,” Chet says frantically. Yeah, kidnappings of twenty year olds is a big problem in New York. It’s the new crime wave.

Finally, Ryan calls Chet. “I’m worried sick!” Chet tells him. Well, I guess what happened was Ryan fell asleep on the train. So the boys go to pick him up somewhere in Brooklyn. And they spread the gossip about the girls in the confessional in the car. They bitch, bitch, bitch and then they bitch a little more. “They’re going to have to learn to live with people and respect people,” Scotty whines. Then they bitch about the empty fuel tank. Okay, here’s where I draw the line. Everyone knows girls never have gas in their cars. None of us, even the really together ones. The gauge will light up and a guy will panic, but a girl will know she’s got at least another ten miles before she’s got to stop. If you want a perpetually full tank, you need to take care of that yourself. It’s just the way it is.

Well, the boys cluck away about the girls like angry chickens. They’re lazy! They did it to spite us! I just filled it up yesterday! They pick Ryan up and tell him that he gets to go home to a “house full of ****y” and they’re sorry about it. Ryan has to go back to school in three hours, so he just hopes no one pisses him off.

Too bad there’s not a frown-y face on that screen.

And to that end, Chet marches into the house and confronts Devyn in the phone room. “Why did you bring the car home with an empty gas tank?” he demands to know. Dev doesn’t think it was such a big deal, but Chet’s clamped on like an annoying chihuahua. When the light’s on, you need to get gas, he yaps. She knows, dude. See theory above.

Then he brings the case to Katelynn, who immediately comes back with a) she was in the back seat and couldn’t see the gas gauge and b) she already filled the car up twice that week. So that makes how many roommates who filled up the car that week multiple times and still it’s on empty? They’re so high up on our horses now they’ve lost complete contact with factual events. All that matters is who’s right. About what? Who the hell knows anymore.

Katelynn says that the boys are tying to “bait” her into an argument. “They’re good at it. I would dare call them master-baiters,” she says cheekily. Good one, messy! Chet’s still yapping away about the light on the fuel tank. Ryan says he’s trying to retain composure but he’s “bubbling”. And then he’s off.

“The girls don’t do anything unless they’re yelled at!” Ryan shouts. Katelynn reminds him that she’s managed to get through life so far without his instructions. Ryan carries on about a week’s worth of garbage in the kitchen that everyone complained about but no one took out. At some point, Katelynn walks off and Ryan yells after her something about retreating and how she’s a weak enemy. Flashback?

Then he tells her to keep walking cause the back is the best part of her. Well, well, well, blue collar soldier may be kinkier than we thought! Katelynn goes to Devyn for reinforcement, but Dev is hanging upside down on the sofa, no doubt talking to one of her sugar daddies, and has not a moment for a petty argument about gas gauges and dirty dishes. “Good point,” Katelynn concurs and lets Devyn get back to working it.

I’m trying to sucker a rich dude into marrying me so he can hire us a maid, k? Get off my ass!

Back in the living room, Sarah is saying that she cleans Dev’s hair out of the sink because it’s easier than starting a fight over it, but no, the boys would rather start a fight over it. Why not talk about it with the person, they badger Sarah. “Well, maybe that’s something I need to work on,” Sarah replies. Wow, big of her.

“Being that passive is a problem, because then people never learn,” Chet lectures. Get over yourself, virgin! And then JD gets in on it. He heard Sarah and the girls talking about the boys in the confessional. “That’s what the confessional is for!” she argues exasperatedly. Well, good point.

And all the boys are all over her. They’re tired of her talking behind their back. Hey, did you mention that when you were talking about her in the car? Remind me, I can’t recall. And then Sarah gets down to what might actually be the heart of the matter. She says that in the two months they’ve been there, none of the boys have wanted to learn anything about her.

“What did I just do tonight?” she challenges them. Oooh, another point Sarah. Cause the whole house knows that Ryan’s in film school, but sure enough, the guys have no idea that Sarah was off at her art therapy class. “What am I doing tomorrow?” she challenges them again. “I don’t know, building the next Statue of Liberty,” Ryan retorts idiotically. Honey, wear that sexy blue flannel when you’re saying dumb stuff like that. On second thought, perhaps you should just not ever take it off.

AAAAHHHH DIRTY DISHES! AAAAHHH!

Sarah tells them that she doesn’t feel a connection with them, and therefore “it doesn’t matter” to her. I’m not really sure where she’s going with this point. But JD’s really bothered by it. He’s incredulous that she thinks he hasn’t tried to get to know her, and makes his point by smashing the glass coffee table. Angry and dramatic! Hey, it’s no dark and dismal, but it’s the most excitement we’ve seen yet! JD storms off telling Sarah she’s contradicting herself, and Sarah holds her head in her hands. Got to hand it to the girl. She might not have been making total sense, but that was some attack, and she never lost her cool.

And JD’s headed to Devyn in the phone room. “We’re having a family pow wow and we’d like you to engage in it,” he tells her curtly. Dev tells him she wants nothing to do with his negative energy. So JD rips the phone out of her hands, and then out of the wall. So positive!

Then he gets in her face and accuses her of talking behind his back. Then he storms out onto the patio and throws the phone into the East River. Then he’s back in the living room spewing about how Devyn’s talking behind his back about his “negative energy”. Um, I kind of remember it more like her saying directly it to him and then him getting pissed and ripping the phone from the wall? I mean, it’s right there, just one paragraph ago. Crazy much, Sea World?

If the dolphins ever gave me lip like this I would beat their asses, bitch!

JD’s very affronted at being called negative. “Well, smashing the table’s a little negative,” Sarah points out calmly. Baya’s shaking, she says. She doesn’t know what to do. Devyn does. “Yelling is not positive,” she explains, her weave all messy from the incident.

“We’d just like to discuss this,” Chet says. Oh, sure we could tell by the way they ganged up and yelled and especially by the way JD ripped the phone out of the wall. That had “rational discussion” written all over it. But Chet gets down to it with Devyn, telling her that her hair all over all three sinks is not cool.

Dev can agree that there is validity in what they boys are saying, but she thinks there was a problem with the way they addressed it. She also notes their failure to recognize any flaws within themselves. Baya vows to take out the trash. “Effort. Teamwork. I think we’ve resolved all our issues,” Ryan declares, and the boys are decided. Then they break, leaving the smashed table in their wake and Sarah sitting there still looking a little confused.

We catch up with the girls the next morning as they clean up the house, no chore list necessary. Chet tells us that he’s tired of the fighting, and he wants everyone to be friends like they once were. Then he heads into the phone room until he realizes there is no phone. “Dammit, JD,” Chet grumbles. Aw, come on Mormon. I’m sure someone learned a lesson in there somewhere.

Scotty is working out telling us that the tension in the house has gone down a lot. Sarah heads to art class with a bunch of kids, and says that after the discussion, she was happy to clear her head doing art with the little kids. Ryan’s back at the Film Academy confirming that the girls have “learned a lesson”. Wow, thanks sensei.

This should have been the whole hour with only soft rock playing in the background.

And JD is off to the city to buy a new phone. He’s hoping that things will get better around the house now that the girls have been told “how lazy they are”. Well, that’s a nice way to put it. Back in the house, Katelynn is saying that she’s aware of her flaws, and making some joke about the SS Katelynn and the little Tugboat Diva. Sarah would be a Rescue Boat, and oh, Baya would be a cute little Tugboat too.

They continue with the analogies. Scotty would be a Battle Ship, and Ryan would be a broken down Battle Ship, “from 1912, with holes in it” says Devyn. And JD would be an oil tanker, “cause he leaks and pollutes things,” Katelynn says and they all laugh but for some reason I almost want to cry for JD, who may or may not be a poor orphan, but sure knows how to play one on TV.