Real World Brooklyn: Ask The Tranny

Welcome back to the Real World Brooklyn, where everyone dreams big, and the camera crews following them around make that seem like a good plan.

No! You don’t look like a epileptic at all! Keep dancing!

The first thing we get today is Chet in a Thugs Not Drugs t-shirt grilling Katelynn about her gender reassignment surgery. What’s with the shirt, moron? Thugs and drugs are kind of synonymous. He wants to know about the process of going from boy to girl. Where do you start? Katelynn explains that you have to live as woman for a year and take hormones for a year. And then she explains the dilation part of things.

First you take drugs, then you borrow money from thugs for your jugs get the hair removed from your ugly mug. Is that too long for a t-shirt?

“It’s a medical stint,” she explains, for “vaginal depth”. I don’t want to be ignorant, but I think that was more than I needed to know. Then she explains that even though she wanted to be a woman, she’s not gay. Well, credit to Chet to at least talk to her about it. “You can always play ask the transsexual,” Katelynn offers. “It’s my new favorite game,” says Thug Life.

Oh, and there’s Devyn in a hot purple dress! She’s in Manhattan to visit a company called Jovani, which manufactures pageant dresses. I love that name, Jovani, it sounds like a reject from Zoolander. Those pageant girls know how to work a connection. She gets inside and meets a fabulously whiney New Yawkuuuuuuh named Sheri Simon, who’s a sales rep. But probably not a former pageant contestant.

Just a guess.

Turns out Dev’s Godmother back in St. Louis owns a dress boutique, and she’s been working with Jovani forever. And for this reason, and because she’s got a camera crew trailing her, they ask her what job she wants to do. Dev namedrops “Aunt Sharon”, and next thing you know, they’re offering her a spokesperson job. Which leads to a montage of Devyn trying on a million dresses set to pop music. The dresses are totally pageant, but it still looks like fun to play dress up with them.

She meets with the president of Jovani who’s not as seduced by the cameras and Aunt Sharon as Sheri Simon was. He wants to know what Dev’s interests are and she tells him “acting, singing and designing”. Wow, a reality star springboarding a singing/acting/designing career. Dev’s totally thinking outside the box. Look honey, I like you, but your probably good at one of those things at best. You’re no J Lo. Or J Mo, for that matter.

They want to know what her talent was in pageants. I like this interview. Mr. Jovani is going to make Dev work for her fake job. Dev’s talent was singing. She sang ‘I Hope You Dance’. Well, nice to know that sappy tune has an afterlife in the pageant world. “I love that sawwwwng!” squeals Sheri Simon, Dev’s new number one fan.

Then Mr. Jovani wants to know where Dev sees herself in five years. Standard job interview stuff, the correct answer being, “Working for you, of course!” but Devyn starts spilling her very realistic goals of being a “movie star, having my own line, already out, and a restaurant. A dessert restaurant,” she adds by way of explanation. Oh, a restauranteur too! I hate to sound a million years old here, but isn’t it nice to be twenty and clueless? Even Mr. Jovani and Sheri Simon are kind of trying not to laugh.

A whole restaurant devoted to HoHos. Great idea!

Mr. Jovani tells her she’s beautiful with a great personality and good energy, and in the end, Devyn is new new Jovani PR girl! Cool job. And she gets to try on dresses. They seal the deal with a creepy hug.

Back at the house, Katelynn’s starting to regret offering Chet the opportunity to play Ask The Transexual. He tells us he can’t help it, the thoughts are running through her mind. He can’t stop thinking about Katelynn dilating in bed. Oh, weird. Not that she’s doing that, but that he’s thinking about it. He wants to know where she keeps the stints, so he can attach some dental floss and stick it in someone’s mouth while they’re sleeping. Katelynn is not interested or amused.

But Chet is. He calls her stints “medical dildos”. She says that his interest in her medical stinting has gone from interest to him just being mean. And an immature ass, I would like to add. Ryan overhears the conversation, and when he finds out about the stints, he reacts exactly like Chet. Great, now there’s two of them. “Is it ribbed for your pleasure?” Chet smirks while Ryan giggles. Katelynn, to her credit, doesn’t smack either of them. Although she does threaten to “disembowel” anyone who messes with her medical supplies.

You should leave them in the boys’ beds.

The next morning, Katelynn is confiding to Baya how hard it’s been transitioning, and how sometimes she’s just tired of fighting. Well. Awwww. Baya gives her a hug and tells her to keep fighting. Baya’s a sweetie. Katelynn tells us that she wants to help other people going what she’s been through. So she heads over to the community center to start up a website. A girl who looks like a boy tells Katelynn they want to do a presentation. Big time!

Man up! Wait sorry I meant no offense.

And Katelynn’s not the only one hitting the big time. Chet’s headed over to Atlantic Records to meet up with his friend Christina, who he met at Angels & Kings, an MTV sanctioned bar. Christina’s another one who latches on to the free PR associated with the camera crew following him around, and is having him do an interview with one of her bands, Danger Radio. Ever heard of ‘em? Me either, til now. Well played, Christina.

Chet’s really excited about the opportunity, and he’s broken out his pink plaid bow-tie for the occasion. When he left Salt Lake City, he told everyone “I’m gonna make something of myself!” Oh, it’s all so bright lights, big city. Chet sits down with the band for a little of what he calls Chet Chat. He starts out the interview with some dumb random fact about dog toothbrushes having been invented their hometown of Seattle. He played this same dumb trick with Pete Wentz. Ugh, by the way, Ashlee on Melrose Place? Why? And more importantly, why? Overall, the interview goes pretty well though, the band really likes him and Christina’s impressed. And not just with Chet’s built in camera crew. At least I don’t think.

Back at home, Baya’s doing some spins and Ryan wants to know when she starts at the conservatory. She breaks the news that she declined their invitation. “Why?” Ryan wants to know. She explains that their style of teaching was too militant. “Yeah, break you down and then build you up their way,” he agrees. But Baya didn’t likey. Ryan goes off on a rant about how there’s no quitting in the military. “You can’t quit…because, literally you can’t. And if you have that mentality with everything you do, then you can do things that you think you can’t,” he explains. Well, he has a point. Who would have thought the army was all positive thinking?

Deserter! Hang her!

But Baya just “didn’t appreciate” the way they treated her. Ryan points out that when something doesn’t work out, she runs away. She left school to go to California, she’s not going to the conservatory. “Somebody needs to just slap her and say, Baya! Work! Harder!” he admonishes. Hmmm. I wouldn’t mind Ryan following my lazy ass around.

Baya tells us what a struggle dance has been for her since she’s been in New York. She’s wanted to be a professional dancer for so long, but then “I get to New York, and reality sets in.” Reality being that it seems like she enjoys dancing, but never took a class in her life. She dances around the gym to some melancholy music and tells us the big city can swallow you. Well, until you learn some technique. Come on White Bread, don’t give up on your dreams before you get to dance class. You’ve already got the Broadway Dance sweatpants. You’re halfway there.

Upstairs, Dev is recounting her first day of being eye candy for creepy Mr. Jovani. “I spent 90% of the day trying on dresses,” she reports to Chet. See? Told you. And Lord knows what she was doing in those dresses cause she’s has now been promoted Public Relations Director / In House Model for Jovani and they’re paying her $20 an hour to do it. This is a better title than Sheri Simon, who’s no doubt been taking the Long Island Rail Road over to this job for the better part of her adult life. Chet’s impressed, tells us that a lot of celebrities wear Jovani. Well, if you consider Devyn a celebrity. Which Chet probably does.

Wanna do Chet Chat?

“Can you believe I have a job?” asks Devyn. No, Chet tells her, he can’t. “What does that mean?” she retorts. “That I think you’re lazy and incompetent,” he tells her casually. Well, one thing about Chet is he’ll say it to your face. Not all two-faced like his gay sidekick JD. Hey, where is JD today? I think last week might have worn him out. But Dev nabs Chet in the end for his little comment, pointing out that he’s insulting her with “marshmallow goop hanging off your mouth”. That’s her exit line, and she leaves Chet there inspecting the marshmallow goop from his face.

And what’s this? A dance class? Baya tells us she has a positive attitude. And the more she dances, the easier it will get for her to catch on to routines. And then it’s time for Baya’s Fame! montage. You’ve got to want it! There’s lots of 1-2-3-4′s and 5-6-7-8′s being yelled and Baya dancing and you know what, it looks like she’s gotten a lot better! “You should have to ask yourself all the time what am I doing?” she says, because that’s when you know you’re learning. What’s with all the Real World wisdom today?

At night, Ryan and Chet go to a Danger Radio show. “They’re invited us to sit in the VIP section,” Chet brags. The VIP section seems to be a booth off the side of the stage. The band plays their generic brand of emo/punk/pop that seems to be permeating this Brooklyn thing, and major points to Christina from Atlantic Records. These bands are a dime a dozen but this is the only one I’ve ever heard of.

This will come in handy in a couple years when you start working the pole.

The boys invite Danger Radio (see, that’s three times now I had to say their name, Christina) back to the house, and holy crap, Chet’s doing an interview in a sleeveless lavender hoodie. Which in itself is problematic enough, but he’s naked underneath it. So just to be clear – a sleeveless lavender hoodie and nothing underneath. I’m just too horrified to type for a few minutes.

Wow. Just wow.

The roommates cluster awkwardly around the band in one of the bedrooms. Chet thinks that Ryan should play his music for the band. Chet thinks Ryan’s the greatest, and everyone else should think that too. Chet so hearts Ryan. Ryan serenades the group with a funny song about Gettysburg. “I live in a town stuck in 1863,” he harmonizes. It’s kind of cute, but I just can’t think of an outlet for it.

So the roommates and the bandmates play around in the house and make friends. Sarah likes the nights when they’re all friends. Chet escorts the band out, and they tell him it was their best interview ever. Well, more than likely it was their first televised one, so that’s probably why. “I’m ready for MTV,” declares Chet.

And the next day, he’s on the phone with another Christine or Christina over at MTV. This lady’s the head of on air talent and VJs – are they still using that word cause really, when does MTV play videos? The Danger Radio concert was the closest we’ve gotten since the advent of this very show we’re watching. And Chet has miraculously procured Christine’s number from Pete Wentz, sanctioned MTV artist and owner of sanctioned MTV bar, Angels & Kings. See how it all fits together? Like a big MTV shaped puzzle.

Anyway, Christine wants to know if Chet has a reel or a headshot. Since he has no experience with any of this stuff and is just getting his chance cause of the whole puzzle thing, Chet has neither, but promises to get both together in a few days. “I came out here wanting to get on MTV and this is my chance,” Chet tells us happily.

JD tells Chet that he’s a photographer and has done modeling, and he’s hired! JD does a photo shoot in the house while Ryan flashes his butt at Chet. Then they head down to the gym so Chet can do the requisite against-the-brick-wall shot. “A picture tells a thousand words,” Chet tells us. More, when you insist on being photographed in those ridiculous glasses.

Then it’s time to catch up with Devyn. She loftily tells us that she’s gotten this far in life – and let’s review, “this far” is a fake job with a fake title, where she, by the way, sits at a desk in a ball gown. I’m not kidding. Anyway, because Dev pays it forward, she’s getting tattooed Sarah a job modeling pageant dresses for $600 per day. Sarah’s reluctant at first, cause she doesn’t think her tattoos are good for modeling prom dresses, but Dev won’t hear it and finally that plus the lure of the $600 wears Sarah down.

Every secretary should dress like this. The world would be a better place.

At the house, Chet is prepping for his big MTV audition. He’s super excited. They told him not to memorize the script, but he did anyway. He asks the girls about wardrobe. Oh, I’m sorry, it’s not girls, it’s Sarah and JD. They advise wearing the whale tie. “You’ll win!” JD promises him. Oh, it’s a contest? Will there be other MTV reality cast members auditioning too?

Katelynn comes home, and Chet forgets all about his audition and circles back to the whole dilation thing. He prods Katelynn, wanting to know where she keeps the stints. Katelynn’s getting pissed, and who can blame her? She confided in him because she thought he was interested, and all he wants to do is make a prank out of her medical supplies. What an immature ass. I know I already called him that but there’s no better way to say it.

“Would you ask a diabetic for their insulin so you could play a prank with it?” she asks Chet, clearly annoyed. “That’s different,” Chet scoffs, “That’s a disease.” Way to empathize, jerk. Katelynn pounds her palm on the counter and tells him she needs it. “You’re the one who pulled it out of left field!” Chet starts arguing. Then he tells Katelynn that she’s just arguing for the sake of arguing. What the hell, jackass? Then he tells her to have a good night. Chet’s kind of a big jerk.

The next day, Baya and Sarah are going to some dance studio for free hip hop classes. And Baya is doing a pretty good job! She’s kind of got the moves down better than anyone else! Baya tells us that going to dance class has made all the difference for her. Sarah tells her she was the best in the class and I’m not disagreeing. The White Bread dream lives!

Back at the house, Chet is getting ready for his big audition. He’s putting on a red bow-tie. Or is it pink? Or orange? He does a fashion show for his boyfriend, Ryan, who picks the vest with the lavender red baron type scarf. Ryan, typical boyfriend that he is, is fed up with Chet’s wardrobe crisis. Really Chet, that’s what the gay guy’s there for. But Chet’s really tormented about his big bow-tie or vest wardrobe crisis, so he calls in the big guns….Mama Mormon. She votes for the button down and bow-tie. She’s going to be mad if he doesn’t wear that. That’s telling him.

Chet gets to the MTV offices and the first thing the cute blonde assistant tells him is that she likes the bow-tie. The producer lady, Christine, likes it too. And she says she likes his glasses too. Is “like” a code word for something else? I don’t think the popcorn look is very rock and roll. “I don’t even need glasses,” he confides to her.

Christine wants to know why he wants to be a VJ. Chet thinks she’s very nice. He compliments her on her dress. “Oh, thanks very much,” she says, not really buying it. It’s actually not cute. It looks like a tablecloth. Please Chet, you think you’re the first wannabe VJ that strolled in there and sucked up to Christine and her dress? She leads him into the studio. “It’s humbling,” says Chet.

She parks him in front of the camera with a little MTV microphone, and away he goes. As much as I want to be critical, he actually does a great job. But then it’s time for him to fake introduce some videos, and the Chet show begins to unravel. First he says something stupid about sex with one of his professors, and then he inexplicably introduces Lionel Ritchie’s ‘Hello’ as a “new video”.

“It’s not a new video,” snaps Christine. Ooooh, that dress comment really might have hurt more than it helped, Chet. Fake doesn’t work unless you’re really, really good at it acting authentic about it. He tells them he lost his train of thought when they started laughing at his dumb professor joke. “Oh, our bad,” says Christine sarcastically. I like this bitch! She asks him if he wants to rehearse one more time without the camera, and he spouts some nonsense about “gathering my thoughts”. Gathering them into a big snowball that’s rolling downhill, Chet.

Would you please move into the Real World house?

“Ummm…it’s just like…brain fart,” he says to Christine. He apologizes, then dashes off to get some Chapstick, cause he absolutely can’t work with dry lips. But of course it’s just an excuse to get some alone time and he tells himself to “get it together”. He heads back to the studio, and now Christine’s being a little nicer to him. She asks him if he can introduce a more current video, like say Womanizer? “Is that the one where she’s like…naked?” asks Chet. And then he totally works it. He intros the video totally off the cuff, and everyone’s impressed.

At the house, Devyn informs us that she’s going to Jovani and she’s taking Sarah with her. Sarah’s in her room, covering up her tats with a lot of makeup. “They want me to cover up my tattoos,” she sighs. But she gets that tattoos are not Miss America. Dev says it’s nothing personal, but you can’t detract from the gowns. Sarah says she’s cold, but if she puts on a jacket it will mess up the makeup. How is she going to try on the actual gowns, then? This all seems like a lot of trouble. Couldn’t Dev have just asked Baya to do this?

At the showroom, Sheri Simon is going on and on about browns and corals how everything’s “terrific looking!” Devyn gets in on the selling too, and she’s good. Sarah, meanwhile is bitching about how out of place she feels, like she had no idea she was being dragged to a prom dress showroom in the first place. The clients are pasty ladies with bad perms and pursed lips. The ones ones who weren’t pretty enough for pageants in their day, and now live out their fantasies behind the scenes. Oh, and there’s an old guy sitting there too. Not sure what he’s doing here.

Take it off!

Then we catch up with all the roommates together. They’re meeting up at some Brooklyn style warehouse, and I have no idea what they’re doing there. It’s some kind of party, but I have no idea what for…and then we find out it’s the launch party for Katelynn’s gender identity web thing. Wow, that was a fast turnaround. But I guess when you want your organization publicized, you gotta act fast while the reality TV show cameras are still rolling.

Baya is predictably cheerful, and wants to see everything. Katelynn demos her website. Oh, that’s right, I forgot, she’s a techie. She built this site herself! Baya sobs with pride. So sweet. I forgive her for wearing that silly beret in her interview. Katelynn gets up on the stage and talks confidently and articulately about her project. Wise, accomplishing things, employed…who are these Real Worlders?

TrannyFanny.com. I can’t believe no one else thought of that name first!

Back at the house, Chet gets on the phone with Mama Mormon, who calls him Chester. I think I heard Katelynn call him that too. He tells her it was the best interview ever, and confirms her choice in wardrobe. “You still have to finish school,” Mama reminds him. He tells her that this is important to him, and if he gets a hosting job, he’s finishing school online. First of all, nobody’s calling you so fast for the VJ job that doesn’t really exist anymore. Second of all, as my hair colorist who makes four figures a day once told me, education never hurt anyone.

Over in the kitchen, Katelynn and Devyn are comparing surgeries. Katelynn’s got the whole gender reassignment thing, and Dev’s reminiscing about her boob job. Chet comes over to sit down and eavesdrop and then asks Katelynn if he can ask a question. After the way he’s been behaving, I’d just ignore him, but Katelynn’s on a transgender website high, and indulges him.

Chet wants to know what it was like emotionally to go in with a penis and come out without one? When did she start calling herself Katelynn? Then he tells her that to him, she’s a girl and that’s what she’ll always be to him. Well, that was nice. And so ends this surprisingly uplifting episode of the Real World.

See you in a few when Katelynn has money problems, misses Scotty’s birthday party and might have to go home! Eh, there’s always one.

No, mother I still haven’t seen boobies. Stop stalking me!