Real World Cancun: Love is a Stab in the Finger

Buenos dias chiquitas, you’re never going to believe what happened to me! I went to Brooklyn for some sex, drinks and fighting…and I fell asleep. I think a whole season of the Real World might have happened, but I napped through it. All I know is, I woke up in Mexico! First day here, and I’ve already seem someone puke themselves. And you know what that means – it’s the Real World Cancun! I feel like it’s Navidad and MTV dropped a big hot tub filled with tequila in my backyard! Ready to vamanos? I’ve totally been practicing my Mexican.

The kids are already drunk.

We open with a little song, some homegrown video and a bunch of Real Worlders acting silly for the camera. The song is sung by one of the roomies, and it’s about how much this guy really wants to be on the Real World. I’m already refreshed. A Real Worlder who actually admits to wanting to be on the Real World? What’s next, a Real Worlder who actually admits having watched the show? These Cancunies are real revolutionaries. And then, the goofy camera antics are interrupted as a blonde, tattooed pierced guy tells us, “I firmly believe in alien takeover.” I am sold. Sold! Of course he’s followed by a scrawny chick shaking her JC Penny clad ass at the camera, but I’m just going to ignore that part and focus on the extraterrestrial thing.

That lip ring is a homing device.

Okay, now for the roomies. First up is CJ, twenty-four years old from Boca Raton, FL, which just happens to be where I’m from, so I’ll say this nicely – this dude is waaaaaay too old for the Real World. Oh, but it gets better. CJ’s a NFL free agent, he tells us. “What that means,” he continues, “is that I’m not tied down to one particular team.” Actually, what that means is you’re unemployed.

So, five seconds on camera and I’m pretty confident I’ve got him pegged. Couldn’t cut it in the NFL, cause lets face it, pro sports are to men what modeling is to women – if it hasn’t happened by age twenty-two, you may as well ride whatever skill / eating disorder got you close enough in the first place into a McMansion with someone richer than you. And I think CJ’s got the idea. No NFL for you puppy, but cute mixed with glory days and a dollop of fake Real World fame could easily land him a cougar with a settlement. So. Moving on.

Ayiiia is the online winner, and she proudly informs us that we wanted her there. Do not speak for me, Ayiiia. I will be the judge of whether I want you there or not, and it all depends on how much you’re planning on embarrassing yourself. Give me a threesome or a trip to the ER and honey, we might just have a chance. She has a little kid in her homemade video. Already I’m nervous. I am still scarred from that wretched nightmare of morals and values over in Brooklyn.

Hold on a sec. I thought we were voting for the kid.

Next up is Jonna (pronounced Jon-AY, cause that totally makes sense) and Derek. They tell us this in an interview…together? If you know your Real World trivia, which sadly I do, you know this isn’t the first time this has happened. Seattle has passed the torch to these two, but instead of military cadets, we’ve got two bartenders from some joint with a mechanical bull draped in a tacky Mexican blanket. And I’m sorry, they’re not bartenders, they’re servers. Humongous diff.

At least there’s someone to do sidework.

And Jonna’s boyfriend works there too! He makes her happy. He makes her laugh. And that night at her house, as Jonna takes the opportunity to show off her $5 weave and make me wonder if I’m having a Rock of Love flashback, Boyfriend tells her if he was leaving for four months, she’d be nervous too. “Of me cheating on you?” she queries hopefully. No, he assures her, of “anything happening”. Anything stupid that might get between us, he continues. “Like me cheating on you?” she asks. Hmmm. Whatever will become of this relationship? I’ll pause while you wipe the dripping sarcasm off your screen.

And then, as they say in the old reality game, comes the big “reveal”…this season of the Real World takes place in Cancun! Well, not news to us, but the roomies are really excited. Can you blame them? It’s basically four months of spring break. And pig flu, but who knew?

And here we are, in sunny Mexico! “It’s like, tropical!” muses Jonna. As she and Derek are cruising through the airport, we meet Emilee, twenty-one, from Boston. She’s never lived out of the country before. Let the jet setting begin! She lands in some cantina, and is soon joined by CJ who greets her with a huge hug…and she thinks they’re Facebook friends.

And they are. “You know Josh?”‘s and “Crazy cool guy!”‘s abound. This is why I am avoiding Facebook at all costs. This much exposure can’t be good for anyone. She’s a stranger, but not a stranger, and either way CJ feels really comfortable. And Emilee’s already making googly eyes. That didn’t take long.

You know when you posted that update about hating waiting in line? I totally feel the same way. Let’s make babies.

Next to alight from the airport is Ayiiia, and Bronne, pronounced Brawny, cause that also totally makes sense. Actually, what does make sense it that these roomies were born in the eighties when cocaine was hot. People were just getting high and naming babies all over the place. It was a crazy time.

Ay ay ay, mija. Mind that gap.

So, Brawny (“Like the paper towel!” he tells us proudly) comes out of the terminal swinging, starts telling a cameraman, “Let’s do this!” and then notices Ayiiia standing there. Oh, hello. Brawny’s from Pennsylvania, and he gets in trouble “more than anyone else in the world”. Brawny immediately determines that Ayiiia’s a Spanish speaker, and vows that even if he hates her, he’s still gonna be friends with her for her language skills. I like it cause that’s exactly how I’d be looking at it.

Back at the cantina there’s CJ and Emilee marveling at the wonders of Facebook, and in comes Jonna and Derek! At the sight of Jonna, Emilee immediately starts smoothing her hair nervously, and tells us in interview how “stunning” Jonna is. And so, she’s getting a nickname and that name will be Insecuritee. Jonna’s going to be Rihanna, cause she’s her low budge twin.

Rihanna sale!

They all chat around the table, and determine that besides Rihanna, they’re all single. Rihanna has a “promise piercing” to prove her love to Boyfriend. I never got that whole “promise” thing. What are you promising? Is it a promise to make a promise? Wouldn’t it make more sense to just make the actual promise? Deep and insightful questions, I know, only compounded by the fact that this is a piercing.

That kinda looks like she’s being crucified. Next time, just get a ring.

Next into the cantina are Brawny and Ayiiia. They sit down, and the first thing Ayiiia wants to know is who’s gay. Oh, I’m sorry was that information not included on Facebook? Well, Derek from the Mexican blanket bar is. Brawny is delighted. “Thank God we have a gay guy! Yes!” he tells us joyously, hastily adding, “I’m gonna get him to help me with my outfits.” Help you with your outfits, help you bend over, either way. He’s happy, I’m happy. I actually like Brawny so far, he reminds me of someone I know, and he seems kind of sweet. The guy he reminds me of was a closet case, by the way. Just FYI.

Girl, please!

Which brings us to the fact that Derek just graduated college, which brings us to the fact that both Insecuritee and Ayiiia are Hooters girls. Two? This is going to be the best Real World ever! And while the career minded role models high five over orange spandex shorts, in comes our next contestant, and that’s Jasmine. My first thought when I see her is that she’s the bitch. I am not fooled by her sunny yellow dress, and am further convinced when she sits down and informs the table that even though she’s five feet tall and eighty pounds, you don’t mess with her. Is that a challenge? Cause I accept. I generally don’t care for really short people. Although she does admit to the whole Napoleon complex, and I respect that cause although I’m not short, I’m definitely a dictator.

She lasted a whole four seconds before waving her finger.

And now for the next standard, everyday lunchtime question courtesy of Insecuritee, and that’s, “What’s everyone’s ethnicity? Let’s start with you,” she says pointing at Ayiiia. This brings us to the revelation that Insecuritee, Rihanna and Derek were all adopted. Then they bond over having ADD and anxiety. Let’s take a quick inventory of what we’re working with here: Hooters waitresses, ADD, anxiety, insecurity, closeted homosexuality, abandonment issues, a failed NFL career and tequila. I really owe whoever cast this thing at least one drink. Maybe even a steak dinner, depending on how it all plays out.

They toast to their potpourri of issues, and in comes the last roomie, Joey! Now I really enjoyed the last Joey that passed through the Real World, so I’ve got high hopes for this one. Also, he’s the one who believes in aliens. He tells us it’s his dream to play his music for an arena full of teenage girls, so if you see this guy hanging round your local JoBro concert I’d definitely alert the authorities. In Cancun…well, it’s Cancun.

WHATTUP?! Can we go somewhere…younger?

Joey strolls in and everyone hugs him. He’s not in his chair for two seconds and one of the girls wants to know if he’s gay or straight. Joey informs the world that not only does he like girls, but he also plans on being the first roomie to “Get ass. Know what I’m sayin’?” Yes. I do. But despite that, you still seem somehow likable.

And then it’s time to check out the new house! They set out on a party bus, of course taking a moment to make a pact to “always have each others’ backs”. They’re so excited and holy crap, I am too when they pull up to the ME Resort and are shown to their oceanfront suite! I know I make fun of that stupid ME Resort every time I see it on TV but I recently visited one in person and it was very, very nice. These are pretty lucky Real Worlders. Sucks for us though. That suite’s too nice to fight in.

If you misbehave, those Coraline portraits will come off the wall and turn into a giant scary Teri Hatcher.

Oh, but wait. Jasmine, who we’ve already established is no picnic in the park, is going to room with Ayiiia, who shares her philosophy of “tell it like it is”. So, there’s a pretty good chance of that imploding. “BFFs of the house. It’s a wrap!” squawks Jasmine. She’s pretty irritating.

So obviously, they’re completely flipping out over the house. And then they’re on the hunt for the confessional. Cause having the camera on them isn’t enough – they need to be talking to it too. Such attention whores, I love it. CJ and Joey do theirs topless and talk about how muy fun Cancun-o is. Clearly I’m not the only one practicing the languag-o.

The girls talk about how much they love everyone, but especially CJ. Jasmine accessorizes with a ME trucker hat. Ugh, can we not get through one season of the Real World without a damn trucker hat? It’s Mexico. Try a sombrero.

Cue sad violin music and Rihanna checking her email. And telling Boyfriend, via the confessional, how much she loves him and how her “promise piercing” is permanently implanted in her finger and that’s how she knows they’ll be together forever. She shows everyone the list he made of all the things he likes about her. It’s like a little marketing pitch and reference letter all rolled into one.

Brains and talent are right under “you’ve never brought me the wrong side dish.”

But enough about Boyfriend, there’s a viewing public to entertain. She walks the beach with Insecuritee and they discuss who they think will be the first in the house to “hook up”. Insecuritee makes it clear to us that she’s got the hots for CJ, he’s her “type”. But she plays it cool with Rihanna. Aha. So there’s already strategy.

And we learn a little more about Insecuritee as she sits and chats with Brawny and Joey a little while later. She tells them that it takes her forty minutes to get ready to go to work at Hooters, and “for me this is short”. Is she serious? Who’s got that kind of time? And why would you waste it getting tarted up of to serve beer?

“Yeah, but you’re not gonna get tips,” Joey comments on the forty minute makeup job. Oh, l like him more every minute. He tells her he was only teasing, but that’s it, now Insecuritee’s offended. Sweetie pie Brawny tries to diffuse the situation by asking her if she gets a lot of creepers at Hooters, and she replies that the creepers become her favorites which pretty much makes her a creeper too. This chick is lost. I’d feel sorry for her but I really don’t even have time for that either.

“They’re harmless old guys,” she simpers, “They just want someone to talk to.” They want to bang you, Joey informs her. “It’s not like that!” she exclaims. Oh really? They’re old guys. You don’t think they’d rather be slurping down some corn chowder at Souplantation? Let me tell you something sweetheart, the lady on soup duty with a husband on disability and a kid on meth has more sparkling wit than you. They’re looking at your boobies. Own it or shut it.

Joey tells us how funny it is to him that girls like Insecuritee get so sensitive about working at Hooters. Me too! Keep giving her shit about it until she breaks. I know that’s a mean wish, but in the end it will be character building. Insecuritee is naturally offended at Joey’s opinion. “You’re, like, not seeing where I’m, like, coming from,” she whines. Then she tells us she doesn’t think he should make her feel dumb for being a Hooters waitress. Please, he was making her feel dumb for a whole different reason.

That night, the boys go for a walk. And they want the dirt on Rihanna! They attack Derek, who wastes no time at all spilling that before she met her boyfriend she was a total slut. So catty! Never change, babe.

I find that shocking.

Derek tries to tell the boys that Rihanna’s a good girl now, and she’s not going to cheat, which only results in them making a 500 peso bet that she will. Joey suspects that CJ will be the winner, but nonetheless savors the idea of “committing the cheat AND winning 500 pesos”. Well, good to have goals, I guess.

And then it’s time for our first night out in Cancun! It’s all the predictable high fiving, booty shaking and toasting of the first night out. Until Joey passes out in the club. Maybe he’s a borg and he got shut down for the night. I’m all for a conspiracy theory. CJ the good guy takes him upstairs to the tune of Insecuritee waxing poetic about what a “gentleman” he is. Yeah, he’s a total charmer til he does the other roommate. Then he’s an asshole.

The rest of the roomies finish their night out while Joey naps away next to a clock that reads 9 p.m.. And it doesn’t take long for tequila to claim its next victim as Brawny pukes all over CJ at the next venue. Gosh, it is hard not to like CJ. Who lets you puke on them and isn’t even mean about it?

Friends forever.

They head back to the house where they continue to run around drunk. Rihanna runs through the house naked on the bottom, because she’s very serious about staying faithful to Boyfriend. Brawny accepts a sandwich from Rihanna’s gay bestie / mortal enemy Derek and tells him how hot he thinks she is. “It’s only our first night,” counsels Derek drunkenly. I hope Rihanna really is that slutty.

The next morning we find out that CJ has a girl back home too! I missed that somewhere. Her name’s Danielle, and she’s older than him and therefore does not put up with any petty nonsense. Which is evident by the fact that she cooks him breakfast every morning because he tells her he doesn’t know how. CJ eats about fourteen eggs for breakfast, by the way.

They head out to the beach for the day, and Joey kind of veers from endearingly weird to uncomfortably weird when he pays $100 for the dirty model head that the hair braiding lady on the beach uses to exhibit her work. He names her Lupe. None of the roomies appreciate the purchase, and I’m not really sure why we had to watch it.

Not a great idea to walk around Mexico with a decapitated head these days. People might get the wrong idea.

That night, Derek and Joey bond about life and stuff. Derek was valedictorian of his high school and wants to be in sports medicine. Joey wants to do music. “You know you’re gonna be huge,” Derek tells him knowingly. I’m sorry, have you even heard his music? This first episode Kumbaya crap is annoying. Joey tells us that he wouldn’t mind traveling the country in a smelly van as long as he was playing music. And on the middle school circuit.

Later on, they head out for their second night out in Cancun. Joey hedges his bets and tells us that he’s not really a club person, but he’ll go along with the group. In the club, CJ buys each girl a rose which Insecuritee takes to mean as true love. She points at him and grinds up against him. Derek thinks they’ll kiss at some point. I wonder if it will happen on the same night he has sex with Rihanna.

Meanwhile, Joey’s hitting on some skank named Courtnee. And Brawny is making out with someone who Jasmine correctly describes as a Sharon Osbourne lookalike. “I’m all for cougars,” CJ tells us, “If she’s hot.”

And then Joey’s skank puts her two cents in. “That’s my Mom!” she yells and I can’t tell if she’s thrilled or embarrassed. But Brawny’s sure embarrassed about it afterwards, and comments on the “interesting family dynamic”. He ditches Mama Skank, but Joey takes Baby Skank home and fulfills his destiny of having the first sex in the house. CJ doesn’t want to sleep in the sexy room, so he curls up in bed with Insecuritee. Oh my.

Is this your first time on TV? You’re naturals!

Ayiiia and Jasmine crawl into Joey’s room to watch him having sex. Then they make fun of the ho in the confessional. Guess what, ladies? She’s getting hers while you sit there in your jammies drawing the action on your Etch-A-Sketch. The next morning, Joey tells us how accomplished he feels. And even better, Baby Skank slips out of the house before he even wakes up.

And then it’s time for the morning call to Danielle. Danielle’s no dummy, and she’s not about to leave her flirty boyfriend alone for too long in Cancun. She’s already planning her trip. Quickest visit to the Real World house ever! But who can blame her when CJ spills that Joey got laid the night before and he was forced to spend the night in Insecuritee’s bed. Were there no couches, Danielle wants to know? “Nothing happened, nothing to get upset about,” CJ deflects. Oh, I get it. Danielle’s a jealous girlfriend for not wanting you to spend the night squashed in a twin bed with some other girl. CJ might be a sham. He’s might be too cute not to be.

Later on, Joey’s skankquest is the talk of the house. CJ wants to make sure he wore a condom. “Don’t drink the water, don’t get AIDS,” he quips. Then it’s time for Jasmine and Ayiiia to spill the beans about sneaking in on him while he was doing it. Joey’s totally okay with it. He wishes they would have been more obvious. He would have liked to have high fived them mid thrust.

But back to CJ. Danielle’s mad and she’s taken to the email. At first she was excited to come visit him, but after learning of the spoon session with Insecuritee, she’s no longer in the mood. CJ fires back with an email that everything he’s done in the house so far, he’s done with her in mind. “Are you sure about that?” Brawny asks him. CJ plays dumb, but Brawny tells him it wasn’t cool to sleep in a bed with another girl when you have a girlfriend back home.

And I don’t know how it happens, but next thing you know, it’s turned into a break up email! I know, huh? First he’s telling her he’s only thinking of her, and two seconds later he’s wishing her only the best in life. So, the quickest visit to the Real World house ever has devolved into the quickest breakup with the loser back home ever. I’m sure she planned it all as a passive aggressive way of getting him to beg her to come but CJ doesn’t want to do that storyline anymore. Poor Danielle. We hardly knew ye.

And CJ tells us that now that he’s single, he’s ready to go wild! We’re going to see a much less guarded CJ, he tells us seriously. Then he gets cornrows in his hair. I don’t see tying your hair in knots as much of a metaphor for freedom, but no denying it’s a shocking and crazy move. And after those three long days of seeing him stifled by evil, jealous Danielle, I’m really happy to just see him cutting loose.

Doesn’t do your ears any favors, but otherwise, cute.

That night, Insecuritee is told of the breakup and is all fake sad for causing it. “I’m a homewrecker!” she giggles. She discusses the sitch with CJ, and they’re both very quick to say they didn’t do anything wrong. Too quick. They totally hooked up. But Insecuritee wants to be dramatic and needy about it, so she crawls into bed with everybody’s gay bestie Derek and tells him she has a crush on CJ and she feels guilty. Meanwhile, Rihanna’s in the confessional calling CJ “Christian”, which of course proves that she’s the one who really knows him. Over in the bed, Insecuritee decides that the best way to handle her crush is to have a caucus with him, her and Derek in Derek’s bed.

“I’m mad at you!” she whines as soon as CJ gets to the meeting at Derek’s bed. CJ and Derek laugh at her while she acts self righteously devastated over causing a breakup. She finally sulks away and crawls in bed with her teddy bear while her slutty roommate Rihanna prances over to the phone in her bikini to remind Boyfriend how she’s his forever and ever.

So, I think this is gonna be one enchilada of a soap opera! Will CJ have sex with every girl in the house? Will Rihanna do it with all the guys? Will Insecuritee have a nervous breakdown? Will Ayiiia and Jasmine have a “I was just telling it like it is!” fight resulting in one of them getting kicked out? Will Gay Bestie get a story line of his own? Will I run out of Mexican puns to spice up my recaps? See you next week for more…

That’s her entire suitcase.