Bienvenidos my cheesy enchiladas, ready to go back to Cancun for a long weekend?
I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat!
We’re greeted with a neon blue sign flashing “Open Bar” – see, they speak Drunk American over there. No need to learn the local language. We go inside the open bar, and learn that Mexico has adorably adopted another native Drunk American custom – the Hot Bod Contest! Again, no translation necessary. And too bad, cause caliente is one of the words I know.
Brawny informs us that of course CJ just had to enter that hot bod contest. He mocks, but we know he’s secretly thrilled.
Or not so secretly. Get this guy a paper towel.
At the Hot Bod event, Brawny is CJ’s biggest fan. He’s cheering louder than the gay guy. So, you have a nice body CJ. We got it. You did that first confessional shirtless, remember? But CJ needs more proof and he’s taken to the masses in Cancun’s finest open bar to get it. He even flashes his ass at the crowd! He does win the contest though.
Back home, Rihanna is telling Boyfriend that she’s so in love with him that it’s, like, disgusting. She tells him she’s basically moping around the Real World house/oceanfront suite all day long, with everyone wondering what’s wrong with her. “It’s just cause I miss my boyfriend,” she simpers. Oh great, another one of these. Tell us all about how your relationship is strong enough to withstand this. Tell us it’s true love. Actually, don’t. Just skip ahead to the part when you cheat on him. Let’s catch up for the emotional breakup call. Actually, I could live without that too. Let’s just meet for the aftermath, when you start acting out.
But of course, no skipping ahead. First we’re going to endure the first of undoubtedly 1,635,929 phone calls between the lovebirds. He misses her. She wishes he was there. He has a constant stomachache. She wishes she had brought him here in her suitcase. Why? He already told you he had an upset stomach. He would have vomited all over all three bikinis that you brought and then you would have had nothing to wear at – oh. That’s why.
The next day, Rihanna is enjoying a day in the sun with CJ and her coordinated turquoise sweatband. She asks him if he thinks it’s bad that she thinks about her boyfriend all the time. Oh, barf. CJ, an older and much wiser person, sagely tells her that he was the same way when he was her age. And while I suppose there’s an argument for a big difference between nineteen and twenty-four years old, any twenty-four year old that manages to squeeze onto the Real World is hardly at the mature end of the spectrum. But do go on, CJ. Tell us, oh wise man, of your journey. Your life. Your loves. That cheerleader you had sex with at regionals. Punting is a metaphor for life, is it not?
Your boyfriend is gonna love that you are snuggling with a hot half naked blonde who just won a bod contest to discuss how much you miss him.
Oh, and another thing about CJ’s deep thoughts on love. They come to us in that very special Drunk American dialect, and that’s Brody Jenner-ese. In other words, the whitest white guy ever talking like he’s just driven his low rider in from Inglewood. Only CJ punctuates his with a lot of “dude”s. He keep’s referring to Boyfriend as Rihanna’s “your dude”. She tells him how Boyfriend is her best friend in the whole world, and how she knows he’s the only one for her. Then they talk about how pretty each others’ eyes are. Then they snuggle on the lounge chair and caucus some more about how much Rihanna loves Boyfriend, and would never, ever cheat on him.
Can I ride you? Cuz that’s not cheating, right?
For her part, Rihanna tells us what good friends her and CJ are becoming. And how she relates to him like no other in the house. She likes him best. Well of course she does, she just lies around and flirts with him all day! What’s not enjoyable about that?
I’m just gonna massage your vajay with my peepee over this towel. Like a friend would do.
They remind us one more time, in the confessional as CJ, predictably shirtless, plays Brawny’s guitar while Rihanna clings to him and gazes lovingly. The reason their friendship works, by the way, is because CJ respects that Rihanna has a boyfriend. Well, if that’s how they want to spin it.
Later, Ayiiia is playing pool with CJ. Also, she’s getting on Joey’s nerves. I really don’t know what the hell it has to do with him, but all of the sudden he’s telling her that he likes her better with her mouth shut. Then he meets with everybody’s gay bestie Derek to first brag that he’s gotten Ayiiia to hate him, and then to confess what a “no drama” kind of guy he really is. Meanwhile, Ayiiia is telling the battle story to Jasmine, and telling us how she “doesn’t deal with sarcasm”. She and I are so not going to be friends.
That night out at the club, Joey has managed to stay awake long enough to have a bit of cigarette drama with the girls. They all go outside to smoke, and when Joey offers a match to Ayiiia, she snubs him and uses Jasmine’s already lit cigarette instead! Major scandal! Joey of course makes a big deal about it, Ayiiia pretends like it’s no big deal at all, which of course makes it look like an even bigger deal. Either way, it’s trouble brewing and that’s a good thing.
The next morning they are awakened to a ton of sunshine and a package from Student City Tours. And it’s kind of bad news – now they have a job. It is a spring break related one though. Later on, Christina the program director comes over to brief the roomies on the new gig. I see where she’s going with the hairdo, but she didn’t quite make it all the way. She looks like she plays softball.
Farrah Fawcett can’t be ok with this.
The job is to provide a service that’s “fun and hassle free”. Fun and hassle free for the spring breakers means a big pain in the ass for everyone else. Oh, but it gets worse. There are rules. First – no fraternizing with the students. Joey’s not too concerned. Over eighteen’s not really his crowd. Christina tells them that the students are identified by an orange wristband. Um, good luck with that, cause CJ’s already planning on finding a honey with a real delicate wrist.
Next rule – no drinking. No smoking. Even when not in uniform. “So basically, no being intoxicated in public at all,” Mistress Christina continues. Telling our Real Worlders not to drink and hook up? Who does she think she is? And there’s more and more and more. They can’t be in contests. They can’t violate the rules or they will be sent home. Concluded with, “This is going to be the best experience of your life!” Really? You’re assigning a bunch of attention whoring twenty year olds babysitting duty in Cancun? During spring break? Best experience of their lives, huh? Thanks for ruining everything, Christina.
After the total downer with Christina, “snuggle buddies” Rihanna and CJ are curled up in a hammock. From the way she’s pressing her butt into CJ’s body, you can totally tell how much she misses Boyfriend. So much so, that she dislodges herself from CJ to call him back home and remind him how he’s the only one.
Let’s not get drunk and not f right now.
While she’s gone, Brawny decides to teach CJ the “dangers of unprotected snuggling”. He’s going to crawl into the hammock with CJ so he thinks it’s Rihanna. Rihanna’s totally onboard with the whole thing, and even lends Brawny a wig and some perfume to make it totally authentic. Brawny slides into the hammock, and CJ puts his arms around him and gets comfy. It lasts a few seconds before he looks up, and the look on his face is priceless. I confess I laughed my ass off. Brawny tumbles off the hammock laughing, and he’s not even up off the floor before Rihanna is climbing back in there with CJ. What better way to remind her how much she loves her boyfriend who she just got off the phone with?
That looks more expensive than Rhi’s weave.
In bed that night, Ayiiia and Jasmine are talking about Rihanna. This is a catty group! I’m really enjoying it. Anyway, they don’t think she’s especially friendly with the girls, but she’s super flirty with the boys. Then they gossip about how she’s probably going to cheat on Boyfriend.
And speaking of, Rihanna’s on the phone with Boyfriend, and Brawny and CJ are in on it too. They tell the tale of the great hammock fake out, and Rihanna makes sure to tell him that after it was all over, her and CJ snuggled for a real long time. Boyfriend’s not happy. And Rihanna’s annoyed. Why doesn’t he understand that it’s all just her special way of being faithful? Like the promise piercing.
Later on, Rihanna and CJ go shopping for matching cheap woven bracelets. CJ gets on one knee to fasten Rihanna’s bracelet, and is rewarded with another adoring gaze. They stroll through the plaza and the locals call them honeymooners. “Muy happy-o!” trills CJ. I love his handle on the language, I really do. Brawny and Joey agree that sooner or later, they’re definitely doing it.
Back at the house, Joey’s playing his band’s CD for the group. They’re called Late Night Wars. I suppose I should mention that. The roomies are impressed. They all play air guitar. Brawny is pleasantly surprised. He thought they were going to suck. Insecuritee Emilee would play it in her car. One person who is not impressed is Ayiiia. She prances in the living room, taps him on the shoulder and tells him fakely, “It’s so loud, I’m trying to sleep.” He thinks he’s so cool, she complains to us.
In their room, Ayiiia and Jasmine are busy not liking Joey, and now they’re focusing on a suspicious sore on his lip. He says it’s sunburn, but the girls are thinking herpes. Ewww. Jasmine wants to Google it. I say, better off not knowing.
The next morning, Mistress Christina is back to interview the roomies and decide what jobs she wants them to do. She wants to know what they’d do to break up a fight. Joey and Ayiiia both say that they’re peacemakers. Well, clearly. Ayiiia’s also pissed about the no drinking rule. She’s full of attitude back in the suite with the group, but in the meeting with Christina she accepts her lame “It’s to protect the company” excuse pretty easily.
That night they go out for one last wild night before Student City owns their asses. The night’s pretty uneventful, until it’s time to go and there’s some conflict allegedly about Ayiiia’s missing cigarette and Joey not having the full roomie count, but it’s really about the fact that they just kind of hate each other. Storm’s about to break!
Joey tells Ayiiia to shut up, and I think he calls her a bitch too. It’s all pretty inarticulate and not at all clever in the way of a putdown, but Joey’s bragging about he really “put her in her place”. Ayiiia strikes back with a musical number. “Herpes on your lip! Herpes on your lip!” she sings joyfully. And all of the sudden, Joey’s really not amused.
He walks over to Rihanna and CJ and tells them that Ayiiia just thinks she’s better than everyone else, which is funny because that’s the exact problem she has with him. At some point he decides he wants to spit in her face. Oh no, we are not going down this road again. The spitting thing just grosses me out on every level.
But we are. The girls are over at the taco stand picking up a late night snack, and Joey decides he’s going to spit onto Ayiiia’s taco. I can not believe it. He goes over to the taco stand and proceeds to stare creepily at her. As soon as she gets her taco, he grabs the bag, yanks it open and yes, spits in it. And now, Ayiiia is not amused. She even punches a wall.
Actually, Ayiiia’s crying. And Joey’s damn proud of himself. They all get on a bus, which is a little weird, and he sits in the back and taunts her. I don’t know what he’s representing more – loser or complete idiot.
It’s a tough call.
Back at the house, Ayiiia’s sobbing about how she can’t live like this. In the kitchen, Joey’s telling everyone’s gay bestie Derek that if you make a joke about him, he spits in your food. That’s just the way it is with him, he says smugly. Of course it’s perfectly fine for him to make a joke about anyone else, and if they spit in his food, I’m sure there would be a whole new argument – “If someone spits in my food I…pee on their toothbrush!” It would be a never ending cycle. “Please don’t spit in my food,” Derek tells Joey. Joey assures him he’s safe. Just don’t say anything about the herpes on his lip. Oh, ewww! He has herpes. That makes the spitting even grosser. I shudder.
They all meet up in the kitchen, all except Ayiiia who wisely stays out of the way. But Jasmine and Insecuritee fight her battle. They explain to Joey that spitting in people’s food is not nice. I can not believe there are really people in the world who need that explained to them. “You know what you said, and you know what you did!” he tells them. Oh, we’ve reached drama of LC/Heidi proportions. From the no drama guy, no less. He defends his “sunburn” but he never denies herpes. Far too defensive for me to declare him disease free.
“If you spit on her food, who’s to say you won’t spit on my food someday?” Jasmine wants to know, “And I’ll be damned if it happens to me, cause I’ll be sent home real quick, real quick.” And I’ll be damned if she isn’t growing on me. Just maybe less than an inch.
The girls go outside to eat their hard won tacos, to the tune of Joey yelling idiotically at them. They’re kind of laughing at him at this point. Rihanna makes her way outside to pick up her taco – Rihanna, who spend the entire time ignoring what was going on while she snuggled with CJ, and ignoring what was going on while she ate ham and cheese on the bed with everyone’s gay bestie Derek. Now she wants one of the prized tacos. The girls tell her none left, cause they got spit on. And Rihanna’s pissed. “Don’t tell me you’re going to give me a taco and then not give me one,” she bitches. Then she complains to Derek about how childish they are.
Back outside we’re still rehashing the Joey drama. “I didn’t deserve what happened,” Ayiiia whines. Insecuritee reveals the real reason she’s onboard with the whole fight – she’s happy other people are finally seeing Joey’s true colors. The true colors that make fun of Hooters. And speaking of, that asshole’s back. He comes outside with his guitar and starts singing some obnoxious song about how nobody cares about them.
The water will now break out in sores.
The girls retaliate by throwing water all over him and his guitar, and still he won’t leave. Insecuritee just screams really loud. But the water finally does it, and he’s ultimately chased away. He retreats to some other part of the balcony where he looks out at the ocean…and cries? Well, now. Shoe’s not so comfy on the other foot, is it?
Derek, who else, comes over to console him. And to blame everything on the girls! “They ruined my guitar,” Joey sobs. “They’re just bitches!” screeches Derek. Oh, of course. The herpes spit was a show of friendship, but the water on the guitar – and Joey could have walked away from that splashing party anytime he wanted – that was just plain wrong.
“I own very little. I have my guitar and some clothes. That’s my stuff,” Joey tells us, making a full play for the sympathy vote. Derek comes back to the girls to accuse them of ruining Joey’s $ 1,000 guitar, but they’re really not feeling too bad about it. “He could have walked out at the first splash,” one of the girls says. My point exactly. Then Derek pulls the inevitable, “This has nothing to do with me” that people sticking their noses in business that has nothing to do with them always say. “Then don’t get involved,” they tell him. Another good point! I’m totally on the girl team.
Don’t cry out loud.
The next day, Joey, Brawny and Derek are still carrying on about the guitar. And indeed, they agree that the herpes spit was far worse than the water on the guitar! That he could have walked away from at any time, I feel compelled to add again. “I could reimburse them for a meal. They can’t reimburse me for my guitar,” he laments. Oh, please. Like you were ever reimbursing anyone for that herpes ridden taco.
Later on, Joey gets on the phone with his Mom who asks him if he made himself look bad. Mama knows her diseased boy. She tells him it’s a no go, and he has to make it right. He agrees. Well, sort of. He says that he needs to make amends with the people he doesn’t have problems with, but he’s still going to ignore the person he doesn’t like.
He goes to Insecuritee first. But he’s still playing victim. You broke my guitar, I would never damage anyone’s personal property, waaah waaah waaah. Insecuritee’s not really buying it, but she does agree to make up with him. She’s “super glad” about it. And glad that “he’s a person and not just this asshole all the time.” Don’t speak to soon, sweetie.
And it’s another night out in Cancun. Rihanna and CJ are dancing. On a stripper pole. There’s grinding. It’s all just a show of love for Boyfriend, I’m sure. And as they leave the club, CJ tries to kiss Rihanna. “I have a boyfriend, remember?” she says. CJ respects me! CJ respects Boyfriend! As soon as she gets home, she’s back on the phone with Boyfriend, who sounds like he’s about to die without her. This is so boring. And who does she think she’s fooling?
The next day, Jasmine, Derek, Joey and Ayiiia are on the beach. Derek and Jasmine slip out of the picture, and Joey asks Ayiiia out on a walk. He tells us he doesn’t like bad blood. Just as much as he doesn’t like drama, right? He tells her he knows he did wrong, and he knows he got what he asked for. She gives him a pretty hard time, but in the end all’s well that ends well. Big hugs, cheery pop music and promises of new tacos all around.
So that guitar isn’t ruined? Back to the drawing board.
And then it’s time for another practical joke! They decide to go back into the house and act like there was a big blowout between Ayiiia and Joey and that she hit him. They do their prep in the elevator. And they pull it off! It is not a bad performance at all. The most interesting thing about it is when they report to Rihanna, she flippantly comments, “She’s going home, then,” and snickers. Not a girl’s girl, and I don’t like it.
And that’s it. Next week, Ayiiia and Insecuritee go from what looks like some kind of sex to a “Everyone hates you!” and “You’re a waste of life!” fight. I have no idea how it happens, but it looks pretty caliente. Til then…