Real World Cancun Finale: Some Things Don’t Heal

Hola! Bienvenido! Eh, that’s all I got. Here’s the Real World, last day in Cancun!

Could you be more specific?

Welcome back to Cancun with some sad, eerie music. Emilee tells us that everyone’s leaving on bad terms. Jassy agrees and talks about building a bridge. Ayiiia gets on the phone with this alleged boyfriend, Ryan, who she keeps calling “Daddy-O”. Back to Em & Jassy and the spooky music, talking about how much they wish Joey the walking herpes scab was still there. More eerie music, and we cut back to the boys and (of course) Rihanna saying the same thing. And then…there he is.

He rings the doorbell and the roomies jump all over him. Well, all except Ayiiia. Joey says now that Student City is done, he’s coming back to say a proper goodbye. And yeah, Ayiiia’s really pretty annoyed. The first thing The Herp wants to know is where’s the hot new roommate Lauren? Sucka! They tell him he just missed her, she just left. Jassy tells us that fake Lauren is from Oregon? Nebraska? “I don’t know where that bitch is from.” Even the imaginary roommate gets more play than Jassy and you can tell she’s not happy about it.

I know invisibitch didn’t try take my man.

They sit around the living room talking about how Herp’s psycho doll head is now sleeping with the fishes at the bottom of the sea. And they blame it on Lauren, who apparently has now been re-cast as a complete bitch. Even Ayiiia prefers The Herp to wretched, imaginary Lauren – and this makes Herpe decide to forgive her for…wait, why does he hate her again? I don’t even know. All I know is he leaps across the room in his ridiculous red sweat band and excruciatingly fashionable jean shorts and gives her a hug.

Brawny tells us that imaginary Lauren is responsible for bringing Herp and Ayiiia back together! Oh, and The Herp vows to have sex with Lauren. Now I’m sort of wishing there really was a Lauren to be bitchy to him and tell never gonna happen. And out on the patio, Herp ups the ante. Now he wants to have sex not only with the new fake roommate, but also with Rihanna. “Call me crazy…but I love a challenge!” he chortles. And for the seemingly nine hundredth time this season, I’m wondering where the hell these disgusting, loser guys get this swagger?

I don’t know if it’s the scoliosis, the headband, or the flip bangs. Or a combination.

Jassy tells Herp how happy she is that he’s back. And the Herp grabs Ayiiia, gives her another hug and tells her he’s sorry about all their differences. But that her picking him over Lauren is what made her really forgive him. Dumbass sucka! Brawny tells us this Lauren plan makes him a genius. Ummmm, no. And outside with Jassy and Em, Ayiiia is not quite as forgiving as she seems. Also, Emilee’s wearing a shirt that says “If you’re rich, I’m single.” Hey, me too!

And Herp’s going pretty far with his newfound friendship. He invites Ayiiia out to the tequilia bar. And then things start happening fast! Rihanna says she “might” hook up with Herp. I’m fucking nauseous. Then Herp tells us that he feels some kind of sexy vibe going on between Rihanna, Ayiiia and Emilee. Well, taking Herp out of the equation does take some of the nausea away. If only Rihanna’s fake hair wasn’t in the picture.

Bald by 28.

Then Herp gets filled in on the Rihanna / Ayiiia / Scrawny pat threesome. Then they all get in the elevator and have an orgy. Not really. But from the way everyone’s carrying on, it doesn’t seem impossible. At the tequila bar, they’re all having fun. Ayiiia tells us that Herp is the “great uniter”. And she lets him seal the deal by grabbing her boob. Gross.

I have a sneaking suspicion this girl is gonna be President one day.

Back at the house, The Herp is looking for Lauren. And the gig is up! They leave him a note telling him what an idiot he is. I second that. It was a pretty good prank though. And the reconciliations are coming fast and furious tonight! Next up is Emilee dragging Brawny away…to apologize to him? “Awwww…it’s okay,” he tells her. What a sport.

Rihanna tells us that since The Herp came back, everyone’s realizing that they have limited time together. Then Emilee crawls into bed. Then Ayiiia crawls in with her. Then The Herp jumps in. And Emilee tells us that this is not going to happen. She finds her self respect, and slips out of bed. Meanwhile, Ayiiia and The Herp get it on.

Rihanna catches it, and even though you know she really wants in, she just runs around the house spreading the word to all the roomies. Jassy literally races through the house and does a stealth crawl across the floor to spy on them. Oh, did I mention everyone’s wasted on tequila? Did I need to? Afterward, The Herp seems happy about it, but Ayiiia bursts into tears. Seems she’s just positive that her alleged boyfriend Ryan’s not going to be happy about this. So, let’s get this straight – it’s okay to cheat as long as it’s in a threesome?

It’s ok to cheat as long as you don’t bring anything home.

And of course, just then, the boyfriend calls. Ayiiia gets right on the phone and tells him what an idiot she is and how she understands how he would hate her because she’s a horrible person. The she explains the threesome that turned into a twosome, but it’s all good because “I take full responsibility.” And let me tell you, I don’t know what’s wrong with this Ryan character to be involved with this scraped up mess because he seems pretty smart. “Don’t tell me what you’d tell your boss to get out of trouble, talk to me for real,” he tells her.

He wants to know why she did it with The Herp. Yeah, him and the rest of earth. “What did it feel like?” he wants to know. Then she tells him that they stopped? Stopped where? What really happened here? Anyway, Ryan’s pretty cold. “You wanted this. Have fun,” he says, and he’s out. I’m sorry, but I can’t really say I’m invested in this drama. Ayiiia’s boyfriend was some random dude that had like two phone cameos all season.

I have no caption for this, but I love it.

The next day, Brawny’s found a new euphemism. “Got the weather report in the house…it’s snowing!” he keeps yelling about Ayiiia and The Herp. And the boys want to talk about the hookup. The Herp doesn’t want to though. He gets mad and walks out. Watch your ass, Brawny. Piss Herpie off and it won’t be long before the dry erase board’s instructing you to kill yourself.

And Ayiiia is moping in bed about whatever it was she did with Herp that cost her a relationship. Eh, still not buying it. But Jassy and Emilee do bring up a good point, that the old Herp would have seen Ayiiia suffering and just made her life hell over it, but the new Herp doesn’t say a word. I woudn’t give him too much credit. He probably just feels guilty for giving her a STD.

That night, they go out to dinner to the restaurant where it all began. It’s nostalgic and sweet and now that it’s the last night, everyone’s BFF. Well, Ayiiia’s still being a wet blanket. I wish she’d just drink some more tequila and forget about it.

They take a lot of pictures, and I don’t know if I’m just really tired, but this part is kind of surreal, there’s like some like ukulele song playing in the background? Isn’t that Hawaiian? I’m so confused. Anyway, it looks like everyone’s drunk again, but it’s a melancholy drunk, not a fun one. Topped off with a lot of Ayiiia whining about how she ruined her life.

Sing it to the balcony, Louise!

Back at the house, it’s pack up time. And huge surprise, Rihanna is on the phone with Boyfriend. Now that she’s leaving Cancun, she is predictably hauling ass backwards. That selfish ho has the nerve to call him up and ask him to pick up her and Derek from the airport! But guess what? Boyfriend’s taken his balls back, and tells Rihanna to cab it! Well played, Boyfriend. If only there was more time for you to make another house visit and come on to Jassy or Emilee…she’d pierce herself back onto you in no time at all.

That night, they go out and act like idiots. Back at the house, the girls sit Rihanna down for a chat. They tell her she needs to have girlfriends, and she admits that they might be right, but then also explains her reasoning. Seems Rihanna is so busy being such a great person and taking such good care of everyone else, she just hasn’t been able to allow other girls to take care of her. But she knows she needs to. Sure sweetie, boy stealers deserve all the best that friendship has to offer.

I just don’t know how to let people love me.

“Johna…” Emilee starts. And I’m sorry, I actually have no idea if I spelled that right of not because it’s the first time I’ve typed it all season. And I think Emilee’s going to call her out and be like, wh-wh-what? You take care of everybody else? Rihanna takes care of one person only, and that’s Rihanna. But Em just sighs and gets all gooey and tells Rihanna it’s the big breakthrough that she’s been waiting for all along. Then Rihanna tells the other three that they’re her best friends. Last week, “these girls are crazy.” This week, they’re your best friends? Oh wait, they’re girls. That sounds about right.

Next morning, it’s email time between Ayiiia and Ryan. He says he still wants to pick her up from the airport. Better get that Valtrex prescription filled first. And Ayiiia’s already written it off to oh, just a little mistake, and you need to make those to learn and grow. Let’s examine. Ayiiia is a person who admittedly knows what she’s doing when she screws up, but chooses to do it anyway, time after time. I think her “I take full responsibility” comment to her boyfriend says it all – as long as you take responsibility and say you’re sorry, then it’s all okay. Not so much.

Dear God please. Not another one.

The next morning, more ominous music! Why are they trying to make us think that some ax murderer in a sombrero is about to break on the scene any minute? It’s only Jassy in the confessional, saying how much she loves everyone. And then it’s the last day montage.

And then it’s the let’s all stand on the balcony and squint into the sunlight montage, set to a slow song. Jassy cries. People blow kisses at the camera. And then, they leave the suite. Brawny too. I guess they let him move back in for the last day.

Annnnnd then it it’s time everyone to say adios at the aeropuerto. Lots of hugging, and The Herp’s the first to go. Ayiiia hopes they can put things in the past, and he can be nice. Oh, Em’s leaving too. She says that to have made it to the end is a big accomplishment for her.

Brawny’s spewing some things that people should have learned living with him. Funny, all I got from this guy is that he’s big and dumb. Actually, I’m not even sure about the big part. He tells us that he has special love for Derek who he says can “also” see the humor in every single situation. What, like you? Remember how funny it was when Emilee trampled your zombie magazine?

Next off is Jassy, who tells us Ayiiia is her bestie, she doesn’t want to drink so much anymore and that Rihanna will realize when it’s all over what good friends they have become. Then goes CJ Piglet, who makes kind of a bigger deal then necessary of hating Ayiiia. He says he’s still going to chase that football thing down.

More flip bangs. Should we be worried?

Then goes Ayiiia. We get the predictable song and dance about how she’s learned and grown. Which leaves us with Rihanna and Derek. They tell us how lucky they were to have each other there. That is true. And more talking about bonding, Rihanna telling us the Real World is her family, and one more montage. I can’t recap montages. That’s why this recap’s so short.

We’ll always have Pat O’Briens.

And we’re out…kind of on a flat note, huh? See you next week to find out if everyone hates each other, and from the previews, it looks like they might! Kisses, munecas…