Real World: Vowel Love

Welcome back to what I’m calling the Perfect Real World Storm in Cancun! We’ve had fighting, flirting, sex, drinking, herpes, destruction of property, tears…the list goes on, and that’s even before tonight’s lesbian roommate lovers who become arch enemies before episode’s end. And we’re only in the third week! We still have swine flu to look forward to! Ready for mas?

Either close the gap or shut your mouth at least part of the time. You’re making us uncomfortable.

So, Rihanna is a hairdresser. She’s even got the small town hairdresser ensemble, rag around the head, tight shirt. I bet you anything there’s a pair of Jessica Simpson heels on under those jeans. She’s styling CJ’s hair, by the way. Jasmine – remember her? I think I wrote her name once last week – tells us that Rihanna is very sweet to the boys and pretty much ignores the girls. That’s definitely what it seems like.

Brawny’s up next. And he’s letting her shave his head! Insecure Emilee comments that Rihanna’s probably not used to having girlfriends. No, and she probably doesn’t care about getting any either. If she wanted to be friends with your ass, she’s be hanging out with you. If she wanted to be a ho, she’d be giving all the boys haircuts in a low cut shirt.

I rest my case.

That night, they’re out at the club and Rihanna’s dancing up a storm with the boys and none of them are paying the slightest bit of attention to the other three girls. Ayiiia tells us she feels jealous. Because Rihanna is “able to open up to the boys, and she can’t open up to the girls”. And then Ayiiia goes missing. The rest of the roomies are ready to go, and she’s nowhere to be found. They hunt and hunt for her, and then they find her. Okay, so she got separated. Does this pass for a story?

I guess it does because we’re still on it when we get back to the house. Brawny’s telling Ayiiia how they looked everywhere for her. And for reasons unknown, she’s mad about it. She was at the exit. They should have looked at all exits. The roomies tell us how stupid it is. But they try to move past it with a resolution that when out as a group, they will all stick together. Who cares?

Ayiiia cares. She’s really upset. She’s taken to her bed and is now venting to CJ. I’m not bothering to jot it down though, because it’s nonsense. CJ thinks so too. And you’d think maybe she’d sleep it off, but nope. Sure enough the next morning Ayiiia’s still pissed off. Now it’s over the messy house. Get a grip sweetie, you live with seven other people. She cleans the whole kitchen with Jasmine, and then starts griping about Rihanna, who of course cleans nothing. Rihanna just looks dirty. I think it’s her hair. With or without weave, it’s always kind of gross.

Brawny should return the favor.

Ayiiia is trying to get Rihanna to mop the patio, but Rihanna just ignores her. Wait, don’t they live in a hotel? Where’s the maid service? Rihanna is wearing a t-shirt printed with I Heart Jason. Who’s Jason? Is that Boyfriend? I could have sworn it was Matt? Damn, this girl gets around. Rihanna is furious that Ayiiia is trying to order people around during her cleaning initiative. Joey, of all people, tells Rihanna to just ignore her. Which was hard to do with someone sticking a mop in your face, and will be even more difficult after Ayiiia sticks a big orange note up in the kitchen saying something like if you can eat, you can clean.

At the beach, the boys talk about how annoying Ayiiia is and how Rihanna’s just one of the guys. Back in the house, the girls are kind of running around like idiots, all except Rihanna. The boys come back and talk about how much they love Rihanna and hate the other three. Then they pick Rihanna up, take her to lunch and continue to brainwash her against the other three girls.

Hair wash her, then brain wash her.

Or maybe they’re calling it like they see it. While the boys are busy telling Rihanna that all the other girls do is talk about her, the other three girls back at the house doing just that! The girls are at the kitchen table talking about how they’re going out that night without Rihanna. Ayiiia’s bragging about how she dis-invited Rihanna. They head out for girls night, and back at the house the boys and Rihanna make fun of them.

I don’t know what happens on girls night, cause all we see is them doing a shot and then stumbling home wasted. It’s Hangover-esque. Very topical. And then we see Emilee and Ayiiia in the confessional talking about how much they love each other. And then kicking Rihanna out of the room with all their giggling. And then hopping into bed together naked and yelling “Lesbians!”

So what happened? The next morning, Emilee & Ayiiia are super casual about it. Yeah, we hooked up. Yeah, it could happen again. We’re both bisexual. So casual! I love it. It’s a total non-event. They spend the next day at the pool together bonding. Ayiiia tells Emilee that she was her first. Emilee tells Ayiiia she was one of her “minions”. Dip her in honey and throw her to the minions.

Why do lesbians insist on hooking up and then immediately locking each other in cages?

Meanwhile the boys are playing football. CJ tells us of his has been NFL dreams. I don’t know why he’s even bothering, but he is making some half assed attempt to kick a football around on the beach. They’re happy with the boy/girl separation. The girls are happy. They’re in the hot tub talking about what strong women they are and how much they hate men. Um, hating men makes you not really bisexual.

The next morning, Joey answers the phone and it’s Christina of the Farrah-do gone horribly wrong. Also known as their boss at the tour company. Bottom line, they’re going to an island to practice being tour leaders and the bus leaves at 8:30 am the next morning. But that doesn’t stop Brawny and CJ from going out with Derek to the gay bar that night. “Gay me!” yells Brawny as they tart up for the evening. “You’ll definitely get hit on,” Derek assures him. Brawny is delighted.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Oddly, they talk Emilee and Jasmine into going with them…and then ditch them. Well, that’s kind of funny. Emilee and Jasmine end up waiting around downstairs in their cheap Hooters girls on the town outfits, and then giving up and drinking wine back in their hotel room and talking about how cool they are. At the gay bar, Brawny is acting, well, totally gay. Derek tells him that the girls are in the house asked him if Brawny was gay. Brawny laughs it off and then struts it out on the dance floor. I don’t know what that means.

The next morning, the boys are still a little drunk and the girls are a little hungover. And cranky. Now it’s the boys turn to run around the house like idiots and the girls to talk about how annoying they are. Emilee threatens to smash a mirror. Honestly, it would be a bigger event than the lesbian hookup. Then she gets pissed, and decides she’s not going. Then there’s swearing. Then the boys are making fun of Emilee. And now Emilee’s upset.

“She gets upset at the littlest things,” Ayiiia tells us. Oh hello pot, kettle’s on the line for you, dear. And Emilee’s throwing things and screaming. Again, there’s a girl upset and I’m not really sure what about. Anyway, they all end up on a boat together going to some island for the day. The boat’s serving breakfast, and it’s making me hungry. I could really go for some I Hop right now. Sorry, back to Cancun. The boys and Rihanna all sit together, but Emilee and Jasmine sit at a different table. Even though Rihanna tells them she saved chairs! It’s the Real World – Grade Five Class Trip.

Once they’re off the boat, everyone’s ready to have fun except Emilee. Of course. Even Ayiiia’s hanging with the boys. Emilee does make a point about Ayiiia though, when the battle of the herpes spit taco was going on, Emilee did take Ayiiia’s side. And Ayiiia expected her to. But when Emilee was in the battle of…the battle of…the battle of getting ready in the morning? Anyway, Ayiiia sided with everyone else.

You’ve enflamed your muffin top. Calm down.

So Emilee pretty much decides that she’s not going to hang with the group, because she’s not friends with them and she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her and now she’s going to go eat worms and have a horrible day. The end.

Oh, but first she’s going to cry to Jasmine about it. Jasmine might actually be the only roommate I even sort of like at this point . Either first impressions were wrong, or the rest of them really are that wretched – I’m going with option two. Anyway, she tries to coax Emilee out of her mood but Emilee is not having it. So much more fun to stay mad. Ayiiia says Emilee’s got an attitude and she doesn’t know why. The rest of the group is donning lifevests to swim with the dolphins, but Emilee is out. She even flat out tells the group that she just doesn’t want to do anything that they want to do.

And her loss, cause she totally misses out on the fun swimming and playing montage set to cheerful pop music. Maybe she wouldn’t be such a downer if she participated. But she’s still moping. Until very late in the day, she gets in a hammock and decides that she acted pretty lame all day and she might owe the rest of the roomies an apology. She does get some chick on a piano singing about putting your “best foot forward on a cloud” set as the soundtrack to the revelation. Where there’s an Emilee, there’s a sappy song.

Before they leave the island, they once again “lose” Ayiiia. Of course she’s not really getting lost, she’s intentionally separating herself in situations when she knows they’ll come looking for her. That night, she’s on the phone with her boyfriend back home. This is the first we’re hearing of this guy. Ayiiia’s complaining about how much she hates her roomies. Then she’s running through the house being miserable and annoying everybody.

Stare at the sperm painting. You’ll feel better.

The next day, Emilee’s back at the pool with the boys and she’s actually nicely telling them what they did the day before that got her so upset. And it’s very well received. Battle declared ended. But that’s okay, cause there’s a bigger one brewing and that’s Ayiiia vs. everyone!

That night, Jasmine and Emilee catch Rihanna up on the drama, and apologize for leaving her out of things. And while it sure seemed like Rihanna set that separation up herself, she does accept their apology and tell them that she felt bad to have been left out. So the three of them sit on the patio making amends and talking about Ayiiia while she sits alone inside. New clique!

That night is Roomie Night. I don’t know what that means, except Ayiiia’s not in on it. She’s drinking wine by herself again. Rihanna tells us it used to be her and the guys, and now it’s “the seven of us and Ayiiia”. The next morning, Ayiiia tells us that Emilee won’t make eye contact with her and she’s ignoring her. And that night, Ayiiia’s discussing it with Jasmine. There’s talk of attitudes and picking sides. Actually, there’s Ayiiia talking about attitudes and picking sides. Jasmine’s pretty calm.

And Ayiiia baits her more and more. First I thought she was complaining about Emilee, but it seems that Jasmine has now become Ayiiia’s big problem in the world. How did that happen? Jasmine humors her, but finally rolls off her bed and strolls away. “Now you’re mad!” Ayiiia yells after her, and then tells us she doesn’t understand why when she was trying to go to Jasmine with a problem it got “thrown back in my face”. I’d say “Huh?”, but really, why bother. I think we’ve already learned not to look for reason in Ayiiia’s arguments, just to sit back and enjoy the crazy.

The second I can think of two words that rhyme, I’m getting a pen.

Then Ayiiia follows Jasmine out into the living room and continues to bait her and bait her and bait her until Jasmine finally gives up and yells back. Derek is sitting there passing judgment about how they must like fighting with each other. Well, one of them does. Derek gets on my nerves. Little high and mighty prissy ass bitch.

That night, it’s boys night. Joey tells us with the girls around it’s a time bomb. They have fun, get drunk and then get lost somewhere in Cancun. Then Derek dives in some bushes and pees in them. And then a security guard comes along and tries to fake security guard arrest him, which amounts to him telling Derek he needs to explain himself to the manager. Wow, they really don’t mess around in Mexico. But CJ, who’s a little smarter than he looks, runs after them and explains to the security guard that Derek was just puking in the bushes. Crisis averted. Back to the house.

Jasmine and Emilee are on the patio discussing Ayiiia. They are really putting effort into this catty thing, and I can not express how much I appreciate it. And I really appreciate it when I see Ayiiia poking her head through the door and eavesdropping! “What’s wrong?” she asks them. Nothing, they tell her. Emilee says she lurks in corners waiting to hear what people are saying about her. Well that’s not cool, but why are you spending so much time talking about her behind her back in the first place?

But later on, when Emilee’s in bed and continuing talking about Ayiiia to Jasmine, there’s Ayiiia lurking again! And confronting them again, only this time it’s Emilee’s turn and Jasmine scurries off. Bottom line, Ayiiia wants Emilee to say whatever it is she has to say to her face, which I can’t really argue with, but when Emilee does it, surprise, surprise, Ayiiia’s not happy. Emilee tells her all the roommates hate her, and Ayiiia yells back something about Emilee being immature.

From what I heard from spying, you’re very immature. Now take this can and I’ll go to the other side of the house with my can and we can talk it over. Through our cans. Free minutes.

There’s lots of yelling and swearing and I realize that I have been writing about this fight for a few hours now and I still couldn’t tell you where it began or what it’s about. But I can tell you where it ends and that’s with Ayiiia yelling at Emilee, “At least I wasn’t adopted!” The roomies think that was a low blow, but I think it was kind of a compliment. At least someone wanted Emilee. Ayiiia should just be grateful no one gave her up. I might have. She might be a bad egg.

“Don’t you love living with girls?” Ayiiia smirks to Brawny, like she’s not the instigator. “Um, nooooo,” he replies. Then she gets on the phone with her boyfriend and laments everyone else’s actions that forced her to stoop to a level that she doesn’t want to go down to. And then comes the inevitable “if this keeps up, I can’t stay here”. Very soon for a going home threat, right? We’ll see how that one plays out.

So there we have it! Another drama soaked episode – can’t say these Cancunies aren’t bringing their A-game! Next week, it looks like every single roommate in that house gets laid. And who doesn’t love soft core, basic cable, sheet draped, night vision porn? See you then!