Real World: Don’t Call Me Fat

Welcome back to another tequila dipped episode of the Real World Cancun! When we last saw the roomies, we had gone from zero to lesbian lovers to mortal enemies in two short episodes. Someone’s evil twin will show up any minute now.

You hang tight, John. I’m gonna go bang a hostess and dump a gay hooker. BRB.

And we pick up pretty much exactly where we left off, in the aftermath of The Fight. And with Rihanna lying on the bed in the phone room in a pair of ridiculous cheetah print pants. And she’s giggling about Insecure Emilee and Ayiiia’s big showdown. See, I wasn’t buying her BFF act the other night.

But Rihanna’s just the narrator. Of course Ayiiia is on the phone next with someone back home, telling her how she and Emilee both said some things they shouldn’t have. Cut to Emilee, outside on the balcony giving her post-fight wrap up to Jasmine, who’s oddly dressed like Flo, of “Kiss my grits!” fame. Emilee is quite pleased with her verbal assault on Ayiiia. Oh, and it doesn’t really seem like she thinks she needs to take back a damn thing that she said. It’s just you on an island alone with your mean adoption comment, Ayiiia.

Heads up. Mel’s grouchy today.

But we do get a clever cut back and forth between conversations. Ayiiia thinks Emilee is two faced. Emilee thinks Ayiiia is manipulative. They both agree that the other is “so annoying”, and Emilee throws in her additional two cents that Ayiiia is just a “silly girl”. Then they both conclude that the other one needs to “grow up”. Well, glad we got that resolved. It’s funny, but it’s also giving me a headache.

And as Emilee continues on to Jasmine about how pigs will fly before Ayiiia says she’s sorry, out comes Ayiiia onto the patio…to say she’s sorry. She must have been lurking. Old habits die hard. Anyway, she apologizes to Emilee, mainly for the adoption comment and Emilee tells her she pretty much said all she had to say. Oh, except for, “It’s just like, hot damn, dude.” Who ever said Hooters wing slingers weren’t articulate?

Besides Mel. I warned you he was grouchy!

Phone rings, and it’s for Gay Bestie Derek! A storyline! Turn’s out the phone call is from Derek’s ex but current best friend, Kyle. Sounds smart, being best friends with your ex usually works out just great. Anyway, this Kyle character is not about to miss out on his Real World house visit, and he’s calling to fill Derek in on the itinerary.

Derek retires to the living room where for once, the topic is Derek. The story with Kyle is that he’s a big cheater, but Derek went back to him a bunch of times. Oh, and he also says he would again. “When you love somebody… you do stupid things,” he simpers. No, if you’re stupid you do stupid things. I think Forrest Gump had some kind of theory on that.

That night, the boys head out and Derek informs us that Joey has a plan to have sex with a different ho every week in Cancun. Gross. The victim of the noche is some skank who picks him up with some line about his lip piercing. Still gross. Meanwhile, Brawny dances around like a girl. No big surprise.

You have glaring open wounds. Let’s fuck.

The next day at the pool, it’s time to meet CJ’s new friend. She’s some hostess at the restaurant at the hotel pool. Rihanna accompanies CJ on his mission to chat up the hostess, and he runs his smooth pickup line of, “Are you muy single-o?” by her. If I were Rihanna I would have smiled and said, “Perfect-o!”, but she helps a white boy out. Turns out, the restaurant girl is indeed single-o. CJ’s happy. Rihanna’s still decked out in the turquoise headband. Between that and the weave, I don’t want to imagine what’s growing on her head.

Whatever it is isn’t single-o.

And then we get another phone call. It’s Christina, the buzzkill known as the boss of Student City. She tells Brawny that they’re doing some kind of “meet and greet” downstairs in the hotel. They head down, and meet a scrawny white dude named Pat who Jasmine tells us is hot. Ummm, interesting. Didn’t see that one coming.

They sit down in the meeting and Buzzkill alternates between telling everyone how much fun they’re going to have and how many rules they have to follow. You have to be some kind of moron if you think anyone in that room is buying any of it. Anyway, there’s still no public drunkenness allowed, no hooking up, no breathing, whatever. I’m already over this job. They can only hook up with other staff members.

….thanks?

The next morning, it’s time for Derek’s pal Kyle to make his Real World Cancun cameo, and Derek’s brother Bo, too. Kyle looks like he’s twelve. And to make matters worse – he has some kind of freakish Vanilla Ice thing shaved into the sides of his head. I want to laugh, but I feel bad because it might just be that he’s the victim of some kind of trailer park related child abuse.

So, Derek and his pre-schooler frolic in the surf and make me very uncomfortable. Then they go back to the pool and take shots in honor of Derek and his birthday. Enjoy it sweetie. You’re lucky you even had a birthday during the shoot, otherwise we may never have heard from you at all.

But the birthday party turns into a little drama, as Kyle the toddler leave the pool with some old guy. Ewww. This whole thing is getting more and more creepy by the moment. But I guess Kyle had to pay for that trip down there somehow.

Honey, you shouldn’t be dating a guy with a Whataburger logo shaved into the side of his head, anyway.

Mmmmmmmm…

Of course we’re treated to Derek’s requisite sob story about how nice he is and that’s why he keeps getting hurt, but it does kind of suck for him. His brother Bo, who also seems gay, is super sweet about it. And then Derek gets on the phone with Kyle and tells him how embarrassing it was for him for Kyle to have taken off on that hooker job in front of Derek’s new friends. And a bunch of cameras. That’s what I’d be worried about. Actually, if I was the old dude Kyle took off with, I’d really be worried. But I don’t know, maybe the statutory rape laws are different in Mexico.

Kyle sobs and cries and tells Derek dramatically, “I’m so ashamed!” But Derek won’t hear it. He tells Kyle he uses his crying to get him “out of the hook”. Well, that’s a new one. Bottom line, Derek’s done with Kyle. Then he takes a shower, and that story’s over.

Oh, wait, maybe not. We’re going to get a montage of Derek’s birthday celebration. Rihanna pops on screen in some hideous purple eyeshadow to tell us that even Ayiiia and Emilee are friends again. Outside the club, Derek is celebrating by rolling around on the street. “What are you doing?” asks Emilee. “I’m relaxing,” he slurs back. First Brawny and the hammock trick and now this? When did the Real World get funny?

The next day at the pool, CJ’s ready to make his move on the restaurant girl. The roomies are all for it. It’s all so thrilling. And then they decide it would be “hilarious” to write the restaurant girl a note with a “Will you ago on a date with me? Check Yes or No.” Oh, how clever! No boys ever do that under the mistaken impression that it’s cute and creative and they’re the first ones ever to think of it! Well, restaurant girl says yes. Sucker.

That night, it’s a double date. CJ and the restaurant girl, and Joey and his lip ring herpes ho from the club. CJ rubs down with baby oil to get all glistening for his date. They go to a nice steakhouse, but it turns out that CJ’s girl is a vegetarian. They settle on asparagus for the girl, which launches CJ into a brilliant monologue about how their pee’s going to smell later. Way to set the tone for that post dinner hookup, stud.

The food comes and CJ comments that “yum yums are here!” Two seconds later, he’s feeding his date and making airplane noises. Oh, CJ’s a baby talker. “Muy funny-o!” he chortles. Then he brings up making plans to see the Donkey Show. CJ might be the worst date ever. But he thinks it went just swell. He can’t wait to see her again.

I think he just said “I hope you like potato salad cuz my allowance ain’t much, ho” in Spanish.

Oh, and there’s not much to recap about Joey and his date. They just eat dinner and hop into bed. “I don’t care where she grew up. I don’t care what her parents do for a living. I just wanna…have sex.” Well, there’s something to be said for being direct.

The next morning, Joey’s ho is still there. Nothing like last week’s victim who had the good sense to get out before daylight. And then it’s time for more orientation for Student City. Rihanna’s excited to meet other people, especially other guys, because that’s how she stays faithful to Boyfriend, who she loves very much.

And she’s making herself really hard to resist.

And at orientation, it’s time for another asshole to carry on about everlasting memories even though they’re not allowed to have fun. “Inegrity!” yells the annoying group leader, “Why is it important to have integrity?” Sir, I don’t know if you got the memo, but this is the Real World. It’s important to have the opposite of integrity. Can you just preach that please? You’re not fooling us. Anyone who would voluntarily go to work as a spring break babysitter is clearly a loser who never had a spring break of their own.

The group leader goes on and on about challenging themselves in this challenging job. Then he tells them that they’ll have a “defining moment” during their Prohibition assignment. Most likely when someone vomits on them and they wonder if even fake Real World fame was worth this. But the roomies are eating it up. Emilee loves how this yahoo’s speech really correlates with “what we’re going through”. Oh, please. Deliver me.

The next day, it’s another phone call. This time, it’s Joey’s Mom with the sad news that Joey’s Grandma died. Joey’s Mom sounds pretty nice. He cries. CJ hugs him. Sad piano music plays in the background. Moving on.

Stand up straight, young man! AW!

Or again, maybe not. We come back from commercial to more sad music. Everyone’s hugging Joey, and he’s off to bury Grandma. Why wasn’t this part edited out? Sorry about your Grandma, but this is pretty boring. And a seagull flies over the ocean, and now we’re really moving on.

It’s night time in the club and CJ’s already found a new girl. Brawny yells at him to stop. What’s Brawny’s problem? Kind of a hater. Also at the club is Jasmine’s new boyfriend, Scrawny Pat. Well, she’s excited. And she’s not the only one – Derek meets himself a honey too. Some guy named Tyler who of course, has the forbidden Student City wristband around his wrist.

Blowjobs are ok, right?

No to worry though – Tyler’s not going to let his Real World moment slip away so fast. His wristband’s off faster than Derek can say, “It’s amazing that I found him here, in Cancun!” which is exactly what he says the next morning. Ugh. Emilee, can you take Derek on your journey of self discovery with you? He needs to go too. I do kind of feel for the guy when he says that there’s no other gay people in Cancun, though. Even if I’m not sure I believe it. There must be a Chicos Town somewhere.

There’s no shortage of gay eyebrows, that’s for sure.

Now, let’s digress to talk about how even with the rules about not having fun, this is pretty much the most fun Real World sitch ever. All they do is lounge at the pool. And nobody even seems to care about the rules! Derek’s all drunk in the pool with his new Student City boyfriend. Maybe I was worried for nothing. What Buzzkill and Yahoo don’t know won’t hurt them.

Also at the pool is restaurant girl, of the illustrious “Here comes the airplane!” vegetarian steak dinner date. I’m glad I didn’t bother getting her name, cause it’s already over with her and CJ. She says it’s because she doesn’t want to be just another girl on his list, but hello, we saw the date. Nice of her to let him off easy, though. “Poor CJ,” Brawny tells us joyously, “He just can’t get laid!” And with that, Brawny, who hasn’t gotten any either, moves in on restaurant girl.

Restaurant girl is very dramatic. “I was stupid to think that this would be different. That he would be different,” she laments. Then she calls Brawny fat. Brawny totally flips out at the insult. It’s pretty funny. Brawny’s a little on the cute side. And not really fat.

Well, in comparison…

That night, Derek is having a passionate lovers dinner with his new life partner, Tyler. “I feel like a little girl!” squeals Derek.

You dance like one too.

Then he goes out and dances to pop music with his roommates. Rihanna sweetly tells us that Derek hasn’t really had an easy time meeting people in Cancun, so she’s really happy for him. Jasmine runs around drunkenly and drools over Scrawny Pat, who we also learn is a DJ. From Canada. Could Scrawny Pat be any more ridiculously cool? And Ayiiia has really pretty hair. So there’s one nice thing I can say about her.

The next morning, it’s time for the “just when I found you, I lost you!” speech from Derek. It’s an “inevitable situation”, he and Tyler lament. What does that mean? I can’t think of anything more than it means they both like to make up clichés that don’t make sense. But hey, a foundation’s a foundation. And in conclusion, Derek has learned that he doesn’t need negative people or underage male hookers like Kyle in his life anymore.

Now can we please talk about your eyebrows? Were you in a fire as a child?

And then Joey’s back. Brawny picks him up at the airport. “Spring break’s kicking into first gear!” Brawny tells him. Then he says he’s so happy Joey’s back cause he’s been hanging around nonstop with “the gay kid and Heartthrob”. Tactful. Sweet. And Joey has had an epiphany of his own – no more Mr. Nice Guy. “I’m sick of acting appropriately so they don’t get pissed,” he says. I’m sorry, did I hallucinate the part when he spit his herpes into their tacos? It’s going to get worse? Heaven help us.

“The girls are in for a rude awakening,” he warns. Well, nice to see how Grandma’s passing really inspired him to appreciate life. I’m sure she’d be proud. “I’m going to be more brutal than I have been,” he says. Well, there’s something to really, really look forward to.

Next week, it’s time for this season’s relevant issue, and this year’s winner is…cutting! Well, it will be a tough battle against last season’s transgender/Iraq double header, but I think we can depend on Ayiiia to add an extra dose of crazy to the after school special. Could put her over the edge. Until then…