Real World: We Would Like To Thank the Internet Voters

Welcome back to another installment of the Real World Cancun! And it’s time for this season’s relevant social issue affecting young people today. So now, without further adieu, I give you Cutting! The Musical, starring Ayiiia and a pair of cuticle scissors.

Mary had a little … cat.

Little cat.

Little cat.

NO NO NO THIS IS ALL WRONG

Lisa had a little…goat.

Dammit! Once I get this figured out I’m gonna be a STAR!

They’re wasting no time gagging us with today’s message. Ayiiia’s at the tattoo shop getting inked with “Live and Learn”. Jasmine’s gone with her, and comments how Ayiiia doesn’t even seem to feel any pain from the needle cutting her skin. Again, subtle.

If she ever learns to twist her head around really far, she could learn a real important lesson.

Back at the house, CJ’s in the shower and for some reason this inspires Joey to tell us that he hates Ayiiia. Actually, there isn’t much that happens in this episode that doesn’t add to the cause of Joey hating Ayiiia. But we’re got all recap to talk about that. Anyway, apparently CJ likes to walk around naked, showing off his muscles. Unfortunately, the one that counts is declared, “not that big…and pink” by Emilee. They’ve even got a nickname for it – “Piglet”. Piglet’s clearly got no shame, a quality I really appreciate in my reality whores.

I wonder if she pulls that string to remember things.

After the little Piglet detour, it’s time to go do some more work. This time, it’s on some island called Xel Ha. It sounds like somewhere in Superman’s galaxy, but it’s really just and island of fun! Today’s work is chock full of those intense challenges the camp leaders wouldn’t shut up about during orientation – cliff diving in to crystal blue waters, scuba diving, watching rainbow colored parrots fly by. I’m telling you, you just don’t know what you’re really made of until you’ve endured a day at the Student City sanctioned (and who are we kidding, probably Student City owned and operated) authentic tropical theme park. Boss Buzzkill cheerfully tells the group that it’s proof that Cancun is about more than partying. Okay, I’ll give her that one, but I don’t want to watch more than like, three minutes of it, tops.

And what would a day cavorting in the sand be without young love? Piglet finds himself a pretty little honey named Amanda. They run around the island together, holding hands and jumping off cliffs. It’s precious. Piglet tells us that Amanda’s the kind of girl you can tell likes you. In other words, Amanda’s a slut.

Mmmmm you taste like white bread.

And Piglet isn’t the only one looking for action! Tiny Jasmine – really, the girl’s like elf sized – has the major hots for scrawny Canadian DJ, Pat. Scrawny Pat continues his reign of cool with beachside attire of fake yellow RayBans, and an orange bandana tied around his milky white chest with the same panache that people in trailer parks bandana their dogs. I wonder if this is Jasmine’s first white boy, cause her friend back home sounded kind of surprised on the phone. I feel a little bad, like my race somehow let her down. This is the best we have to offer?

So, Pat’s going cliff diving and he’s trying to get Jasmine and Ayiiia to do it too. Jasmine’s kind of freaking out because she’s scared of heights. She better get a quick handle on that one if wants to parlay this thing into some Challenge appearances. Of course, sexy Pat and his orange bandana manage to charm her into taking the leap. And of course, it’s all set to a jaunty tune about believing in you before you believed in yourself. Could you stop shoving metaphors down my throat today, Real World?

Jasmine says that Scrawny Pat’s giving her “notice” that he likes her. They decide to sit together on the bus ride home. It’s cute. Piglet and his little ho are also sitting together, only she’s pretty much got her vaj in his face. Not as cute. That night at the club, Piglet’s still putting the moves on little honey. Ayiiia tells us his game sucks, and he better get on it because he’s supposed to be the big heartthrob.

Eskiho Kisses

And I guess he finally does, cause the next thing we see is Piglet’s naked butt through the night vision cameras! Actually, we don’t see his butt, it’s blacked out. But he is lying on top of the girl. Then the girl roomies get home, and start drunkenly stumbling down the stairs. Hey, when does that no public drinking rule kick in? Not that I’m complaining, but they did make kind of a big deal about it. Anyway, next thing you know, Ayiiia’s drunk in the hot tub and Emilee’s drunk in the bedroom. She spies Piglet’s naked butt and starts yelling about how he’s naked.

And then Ayiiia jumps in on the fun. She starts yelling at Piglet that he should show her his Piglet, and a bunch of other really stupid and obnoxious stuff. And Piglet isn’t having it. He comes storming out of the bedroom and tells Ayiiia to shut up and respect him. Ayiiia continues taunting him from the hot tub until he’s good and livid, and then she sits back and says she doesn’t know what he’s mad at her about about, but he can go right ahead. She’s just chilling in the hot tub.

And in crazy Ayiiia’s brain, this is where the whole fight really starts. I’m serious. She conveniently forgets all about baiting him. Poor, innocent Ayiiia, just relaxing in the hot tub, when all of the sudden big bad Piglet attacks. And that’s when she really flips out. She leaps out of the hot tub to defend herself and they have to hold her back to stop her from hitting Piglet. She’s flailing around, they’re holding her down and of course, Joey’s in on it too. Finally, tiny Jasmine gets in Ayiiia’s face and basically screams at her to shut the hell up, which was pretty cool. And now, for the Dance of the Batshit Crazy.

I’m starting to understand how she got that gap in her tooth.

Everybody’s gay bestie Derek is back on supporting character duty as he shuttles Ayiiia outside and tells her to “chillax”. Derek is so the generic type who says that.

You’re fierce, girl.

And while she “chillaxes” on the balcony, Ayiiia starts talking about how she didn’t do anything wrong. She did nothing to provoke anyone. She innocently went to the hot tub, was swimming – “And then I get attacked. What did I do?” she says. Simply deluded is a great kind of crazy.

Then it’s Emilee’s turn to babysit the nutcase. She takes her into the bathroom where Ayiiia sobs and sobs about how she said “nothing” to Piglet and Joey, and she didn’t deserve any of this. Emilee spouts some more of her earnest new age crap about learning to grow or love or plant your own trees or whatever self help chain email she got that day.

Joey and Piglet are lying in bed talking about Ayiiia and how much they hate her. “She’s still crying out there?” Joey asks. He does have a point. She is running around the house “crying for compassion”, as he puts it. But, the girls have hearts, and now it’s Rihanna’s turn to be the supportive listener. “I’m fighting this battle by myself!” Ayiiia wails. Well, if that’s true than why am I hearing about it?

And then the eery music starts. Ayiiia goes to the bathroom, shuts the door and starts sobbing. Well, we’ve seen the previews so we know what she’s up to, but there aren’t really any sound effects for cutting, so we just get more eery piano music. Rihanna, who’s being very sweet , busts in on her. “She’s in a world of hurt right now,” she tells us.

Hey baby.You still psycho? Uh…could you stay in Mexico maybe?

The next day, Ayiiia reports the cutting incident to her boyfriend, who gasps like a girl in response. Meanwhile, the boys are talking a leisurely morning stroll and chatting about, you guessed it, how much they hate Ayiiia. How thrilled Joey was the night before to have the opportunity to jump in on Piglet’s fight with her. Brawny is the only voice of reason. He says he doesn’t like her, but he doesn’t “hate her with a flaming, burning passion.” I love how he manages to throw “flaming” into the sentence. And Derek, who like every gay bestie before him is playing both sides, says nothing.

Joey and Piglet fill everyone in on the plan to get Ayiiia to go home. “Are you excited? I’m excited! I love a project!” Joey says to the camera. Oh, do you now? Well, I like a project too! I’m going to make it a project to make sure and mention your herpes as much as possible for the rest of the recap! Maybe even the rest of the season! Yay! Projects! So fun! Joey from the Real World has herpes on his lip that he tries to pass off with a lip ring! Hey, I wonder if we could get some kind of search engine optimization for that so it comes up in internet searches? Oh, how I do love a project!

It’s just one little pill a day.

Back at the hotel pool, Ayiiia is carrying on about how she’s not going to show her “true self” to Joey and Piglet. So, it was better to show her obnoxious playground side to them? Poor Ayiiia. But before I can even ask, Emilee’s already got Ayiiia strapped in alongside her on the journey to find herself. She tells her not to worry about Piglet and Joey, to worry about Ayiiia.

And then Jasmine notices the cut on Ayiiia’s arm. She asks about it, and Ayiiia makes a big deal about how she doesn’t want to talk about it. They zero in on the cut. They’re using the super zoom lens, and it’s really not that bad, but nonetheless, still disturbing. Emilee and Jasmine don’t like it. Jasmine says Ayiiia’s so angry, and Emilee says she “doesn’t get it”.

Later on, it’s time for scrawny Pat to come a-visiting at the hotel pool. He goes for a swim with Jasmine, and afterwards, she notices a hickey on his neck. Then she gets in her interview to tell us how she thinks he likes her, and she’s heard from other staff members that he likes her. Saying it over and over won’t make it true, but I like Jasmine today, so if what she really wants is some pasty DJ from Canada with terrible taste in sunglasses, then I hope she gets that.

And then back to the message. It’s time to hear from Ayiiia about cutting. She started when she was thirteen because the pain was too much to bear. I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with this cutting thing. I don’t like blood. How did this trend even start?

And why can’t this lady be in the cast? She’d stop that cutting nonsense in two seconds flat.

The next day, Joey is out to lunch with Jasmine and they’re talking about Ayiiia, for a change. Jasmine’s trying to get Joey to ease up a bit. But it’s only an opportunity for Joey to try and get Jasmine over to his side of the fence. He really hates Ayiiia. He says she ruins everything. Can’t he just hate her but leave her alone at the same time? Oh, I almost forgot. Joey from the Real World Cancun is a herpes ridden jackass. Project point!

And Emilee tries to help too. She tells Joey about Ayiiia’s cutting in hopes of getting him to show just a little sympathy, but instead it makes him act like an even bigger insensitive piece of trash. “Could you do any more things for people to give you attention?” he sneers. Ugh, so ugly. And Piglet’s on the ugly train too. He doesn’t believe cutting is a problem. “She deserves it!” says Piglet, but without much conviction. Joey has infected Piglet with his hate the way he’s infected all the skanks in Cancun with his lip herpes.

And I’m so ready to take a break from this when we see tiny Jasmine answer the hotel room door for her hot date with Scrawny Pat. He’s decked out in some predictably tasteless Old Navy outfit, and Jasmine has rewarded him by cooking him dinner. He’s a good cook, she tells us, so she doesn’t want him to think that she’s not.

They’re laughing and flirting and Jasmine’s making sly little comments about all Scrawny Pat’s other conquests. “Do you think that’s how I am?” he asks her coquettishly. Well, Pat, since you asked, I’ll tell you exactly how you are. You’re a loser from some random province in Canada that nobody’s ever heard of. You wrangled your way into Student City assistant-hood, bought yourself a pair of nifty pair of yellow shades and a used turntable, and parlayed the whole thing into becoming the playa of the camp counselors. Unfortunately for you, Pat, there are cameras here to witness the whole thing, making you a very transparent fool. And yes, I already knew what happened next when I wrote that.

I’ve told you I already have auto insurance. Please stop calling me.

Well, first what happens is they go bowling. But then, on the way home from bowling, Scrawny Pat gets a text…from Amanda! And he tells Jasmine about it! And then, naturally, plays a very bad perplexed when Jasmine doesn’t really want to talk to him anymore. Oh, Scrawny Pat. A real player wouldn’t have been nearly so obvious.

Back at the house, Scrawny Pat drops Jasmine off at the suite with a high five. She is not happy. She heads out to the balcony where Joey and his herpes are actually very nice to her. He tells her he’s heard through the grapevine that Scrawny Pat and Amanda have indeed slept together, and Jasmine should stay away from him because he’s “playing her”. Joey says he has a soft spot for Jas. She’s like his own personal Lifetime movie.

The next day, Jasmine’s still on the case. In the morning, she fills Ayiiia in on the Scrawny Pat / Amanda update. She’s not sure she believes it, though. Listen, I’m just as much a fan of denial as the next girl, but over Scrawny Pat? Next up for an analysis is Piglet, who tells Jasmine that he’s not seeing Amanda anymore, but he heard that Amanda and Scrawny Pat didn’t do it. Got that? I know, I don’t care either, but Jasmine’s relieved.

That night, they’re out at some bar and it’s boys vs. girls. Over at the boys table, the topic is once again Ayiiia. They hate her so much, but she’s all they ever talk about. They think her cutting is only for attention. And it doesn’t end there. The boys go home, and Joey and his herpes decide to wallpaper the house with notes that have pictures of knives on them. He’s also thoughtfully scrawled sweet nothings like “We hate you” and “Your a joke”. Is anyone surprised that he can’t spell? Oh, and Joey from Real World Cancun has herpes on his lip. I think it’s the oozing kind. Wait, does herpes ooze? I don’t know, I don’t have herpes. But Joey from Real World Cancun does! See, I know how to stay on message too.

Who’s Noone?

Derek watches him do it, and tells us it’s wrong…but doesn’t say a damn word as Joey finishes his little first grade hate crime. Ayiiia comes home, and she snaps. “I can’t take this anymore,” she declares and storms away. Then we hear glass breaking! And then we catch up with Ayiiia, who is once again acting like there is nothing wrong. “Did you cut yourself?” asks Joey with a smirk.

Now I’m not saying Ayiiia’s not obnoxious and she’s certainly got that victim routine down, but the cruelty that Joey heaps upon her is an embarrassment to the human race. He follows her out to the balcony and asks her if she has a knife he can borrow. Then, as she sobs in a little ball, he grins and asks her if she wants tissues. Oh, she’s bleeding by the way. Her foot’s all cut. Unclear if it was intentional, but we are clearly dealing with a sick girl. Even if all her cutting is for attention, bleeding for attention…well, that’s a problem.

So is this picture.

Jasmine and Emilee try to calm Ayiiia down. They feel sorry for her. And they think Joey was way out of line, which isn’t really a matter of opinion. And it’s only getting worse. “Either he goes, or I go,” she sobs. Honey, I’m on your team here. Your brand of crazy is infinitely more entertaining than him spreading STDs all over Mexico.

The next morning, the first shot we see is of the airport! Is Ayiiia leaving? Or is it a fakeout? It’s a fakeout. They’re showing planes because the group’s first official Student City assignment is to pick up their ducklings at the airport. Brawny tries to get Emilee and Ayiiia out of bed, and isn’t met with much of a warm reception. Of course they end up being late, and when Boss Buzzkill tells them they’re late and their asses almost got left, Emilee gets sassy and tells her they’re late because “some things went down last night that are not negotiable”. Well, I guess the journey to professionalism will have to wait until the self discovery one’s finished. And Buzzkill is not having it, which I love. “You’re late on the first day of shift!” she snaps.

Back at the house, Jasmine is picking up the pieces. Oh come on, how could I resist? She literally is picking up pieces of broken glass. She and Joey are filling in Rihanna and Derek on the events of the night before. And Rihanna doesn’t like it. She doesn’t like the way Joey’s trying to push Ayiiia over the edge.

Who looks crazy in this scene?

At the airport, Emilee is telling Ayiiia that she’s always there for her. Piglet looks on, and looks uncomfortable. Hate is just not a good color on him. Back at the house, Jasmine tells Ayiiia that she can’t let Joey get the best of her. “He wants you to go home,” Jasmine tells her. And for that reason, Ayiiia decides that she won’t. “Karma’s a bitch,” Jasmine comments. Ayiiia agrees. She’s ready for the karma to come back on Joey. And as we watch him tie his own trailer park Rottweiler bandana, I think karma already might be. Then I notice it’s a zebra striped bandana…and I’m sure of it.

Well, I was waiting for the happy music telling us that Ayiiia’s gonna be alright, but all we get his her PSA telling us if you cut or know someone who does…well, don’t try out of the Real World. They’re already got that issue covered.

Next week, spring break starts for real and it looks like things get really loca! I think I see a television get chucked out of a ventana. We’ll translate next time. Kisses!