Real World Cancun: You’re So Almost Maybe Kinda Fired Not

Welcome back to the Real World Cancun! I don’t mind telling you, I’ve spent the week hating Mexico. I’ve had a horrible sore throat / achy / coughing / fever / vomiting thing that a quick check on the internet had me convinced was Swine Flu. I’m all about the self diagnosis, by the way. In my time, I have misdiagnosed myself with everything from a brain anneurism to pregnancy. Luckily, Xanax has cured them all.

So, while I spent the week hating Mexico and everything related for giving me the Swine…turns out I just have a wretched case of tonsillitis. Did you know that your tonsils disappear as you get older? Crazy, huh? Where do they go? And what was my point here? I don’t think I had one. I think I just wanted to tell my Swine Flu story. So anyways, now that I don’t have the Swine and don’t hate Mexico, let’s get on with the show.

How many times in one episode can Rhianna showcase her baby maker? The answer will astound you.

We open up with the newsflash that Joey and Ayiiia are still not speaking. Wait, I’m confused. Wasn’t that two episodes ago? Ayiiia’s whole scraping interlude kind of threw me off. Anyway, he says we have “no idea” how much he hates her. Yes, we do. She says he’s lower than a “piece of poop”. I’m telling you, these two crazy kids might just be perfect for each other!

And then it’s time for the Student City staff meeting in the hotel. They are broken up into two teams: Rihanna, Jasmine, Derek and Joey on one team; and Ayiiia, CJ, Brawny and Emilee on the other. As soon as the meeting’s over, Ayiiia’s whispering in boss lady Christina’s ear about the whole incident with Joey and CJ. And surprise, surprise. Ayiiia’s still singing the “I didn’t dooooo anything!” song.

Luckily, we don’t have to endure too much of her today because I really don’t have the patience. But what we are getting today is a visit from Rihanna’s Boyfriend! She has the group working on a little art project to count down the days until Boyfriend arrives. Then they talk on the phone. There are a lot of “baby”s. Not really having much patience for that, either.

Or this weave. Girl, who lets you out of the house looking like that?

Then we get a completely useless scene where the team captains are asking the roomies about who has significant others back home. Which leads to the Rihanna & Boyfriend story, which leads to yet another assurance that nobody’s cheating on anybody, which leads to another half hour of filler until someone does just that.

But I suppose we should recap what happens in between. That night, Christina bids a fond farewell to her ducklings as she heads off the far more exotic spring break locale of Panama City, Florida. G-L-A-M-O-R-OUSSSSS. Christina has abandoned her ill fated Farrah-do for more of a Lauren Conrad thing. She’s not pulling this look off either. But it’s a slight improvement. How did these recaps become about Christina’s hair? Anyhow, she tells them she doesn’t want any trouble or any “phone calls”. I’m looking into my Real World crystal ball and I see…a phone call.

And a vagina.

But first I see a spring break party! The partygoers are having a blast, the roomies look bored. All except Joey and his herpes, who are lurking around the pool looking for hos to “mack on”. Then Joey and his herpes tell us how he hasn’t “raged” for two nights, and he really wants to “rage”. Gotta rage, man. Throw in the ridiculous zebra print bandana, and this might be the sequel to that Vanilla Ice movie from the 80′s.

After the party, Joey brings who the roommates call “the hooker from the booty contest” home, and I couldn’t have written a better description myself! He drags her back to his room, they climb into bed…and nothing happens? They come out of the room looking completely disheveled and gross, but he says it was a no go. Wow. When a ho of that caliber is too grossed out to hook up with you…well, might be time to pop another Valtrex, honey.

I thought True Blood made open sores sexy again!

That night, it’s time for Team Two of Joey, Jasmine, Rihanna and Derek to go to work. Only Joey’s not going. Poor little baby doesn’t feel good. Fresh from my near brush with the Swine, I’m not feeling too sorry for his hangover, which is exactly how everyone else feels too. Oh, especially considering that the team captains were actually in the house and totally saw Joey come home from the pool party wasted with a hooker in a fluorescent pink bikini. Yes, I’m sure that hangover story will go over just fine.

So Derek reports to their boss – not Christina who’s still living the life in Panama City, but Josh, who by wearing his aviator shades at night, proves that he’s cooler than everybody. And Josh is pissed. He’s on the phone, reporting the incident to yet another boss, someone named Terry, and we are reminded that as on every Real World season, you lose the job, you go home.

The next day, Joey’s back drinking at the pool. But here comes Terry, another boss from Student City, and Terry’s not having it. He wants an explanation for the missed shift. Joey makes up some lame crap about not feeling well, but not from drinking, because he was “dehydrated”. “And you don’t think that was related in any way to drinking?” Terry asks him incredulously. I so in love with Terry right now. Middle-aged balding black men are not my usual type, but if he actually fires this smug asshole? I would have his children.

Let’s make babybombs.

Joey finally kind of gets that he’s in a little trouble, and he starts backpedaling. But only ever so slightly. “Obviously, I want to be here,” he says in an annoyed tone. Well, obvious that you want to be on camera, but this gig’s part of the gig, you know? He assures Terry it won’t happen again, but Terry says they’re still figuring what the repercussions will be.

The next morning, Terry makes a big deal at the staff meeting about how one of the staff members is “under evaluation for missing a shift”. Brawny is shocked to discover that it was Joey. Brawny’s an idiot. Joey’s not happy about being singled out. “Dude, way to call me out,” he complains. I’m sorry, do you want to be the badass rule breaker or not? Stop your whining.

Ew. He’s giving his tongue herpes.

And then, before we know it, Boyfriend’s here! Rihanna makes a solo trip to the airport to pick him up, everyone yells “Baby” a lot and I think I’m going to puke. Well, I can’t blame it all on the “baby”ing though. Rihanna’s wearing a vomit inducing dress, and I do still have a touch of the fake Swine. Boyfriend’s cute, in a small town boy kind of way. Actually, he looks like Dawson from the Creek.

Dawson Geek

In the cab ride home, Boyfriend asks of the latest drama in the house, and Rihanna tells him that she’s not as close with the boys as she was, and that CJ “isn’t who I thought he was” for the way he treated Ayiiia. Am I going to like Rihanna now? Can I handle that? Then she tells us that also, CJ tried to kiss her, but Boyfriend doesn’t know about that. I feel a headache coming on.

At the house, the girl roomies and everyone’s gay bestie Derek are lined up in a receiving line. All hail the honorable bartender from Nowhere, Arizona! Emilee likes “this kid”, who’s probably the same age as her. Then Rihanna gives Boyfriend a haircut, just like she gave every other dude in the house, all the while telling him to be more confident in her love for him.

The next day they’re at the ocean. Boyfriend’s chilling with the boys, and CJ tells him that the best thing about Rihanna is that she’s the only roomie who hasn’t “done anything with anyone” while she’s been here. And what’s this? Boyfriend’s leaving already? Heck, gay bestie Derek’s twelve year old male hooker had a longer cameo than this guy. CJ encourages him to change his flight and stay. CJ’s a phony.

Rhi not so subtly tries to get her boyfriend to break up with her by making him look like Anne Heche during the Ellen years.

Later on, Rihanna and Boyfriend are in the hammock and she spills to him about how CJ tried to kiss her. Boyfriend is upset. He stares at her like a serial killer. Then he looks like he’s about to cry. She tells him there was really nothing to tell, and that’s when she stopped hanging out with CJ too. She keeps telling him to trust her, but Boyfriend’s not stupid – okay, not totally stupid – he at least knows that his slutty girlfriend and her hammock snuggling ways bring it on herself.

And then he’s gone. It was four days, but all we got out of it was two minutes. It must have been a really uneventful trip, which makes me feel sorry for Boyfriend. He honestly doesn’t know that reality TV is there to make a shambles of your relationship – he thinks he’s just having a nice holiday with his girlfriend and her roommates. More baby, baby and baby, they kiss, she tells him to be sure of himself as he’s driven off looking desperately insecure. Why didn’t this visit get dragged out for longer?

Ahhhhh. Because Rihanna goes to work that night and meets Kirk. And Kirk’s cute! “If I wasn’t dating Matt…” Rihanna says wistfully. What, you’d fuck him anyway? Don’t be coy, ho. Oh, and while we’re on the topic of Rihanna, whoever that commenter was who said she had no weave – you are wrong. She clearly has short hair sometimes and long hair others. And don’t ever, ever disagree with me about fake hair. When I say it’s weave, it’s weave. Comprendo? Oooh, didn’t think I was going to get any Mexcicano in today, but yea me!

I mean come on.

Back at the house, Rihanna’s on the phone with Boyfriend listening to another endless monologue about how he just can’t be comfortable knowing she’s around all these people. “I don’t want you to find someone better than me,” he says pathetically, and now I really kind of do feel sorry for him. Grow some self-esteem, man! And Rihanna’s getting fed up. Who can blame her? What fun is a relationship where all you do is try and convince the other person that you really like them? Oh, and by the way, this is how cheating happens. You’re accused of it enough, you figure, eh, may as well be doin’ it.

And following that theory, here comes Kirk on a visit to the house for a haircut. “You don’t even want a haircut, you just wanted to come over,” she tells him. Wow, Rihanna you are some genius at understanding men. Then they take to the hammock, where she engages in yet another I Love My Boyfriend Soooooo Much! snuggle session. At one point, Kirk looks like he’s about to kiss her, and she hides her head under the blanket. Oh yeah, they’re under a blanket.

“You looked like you were gonna kiss me, and I don’t like that!” she tells him childishly. “And wouldn’t it suck if you tried to kiss me and I didn’t kiss you back? I don’t want to do that to you,” she tells him earnestly. By the way, I was wrong before. I am not staring to like Rihanna. I could never handle that.

Can I borrow this? I’m getting brittle.

The next morning is a group phone call with Christina, calling from her yacht off Panama City. She talks about some nonsense for a minute, and then tells Joey that they need to talk in private. But not now, tomorrow at eleven. Joey’s annoyed. “I’ve been in limbo here,” he whines again. He wants them to stop their “drama” and just tell him if he’s kicked out of not. Now it looks like Christina may be the one doing the firing, and while I’ll love her for it, I’m not offering myself as a reward.

I would like to mention at this point that I watched this episode online and I saw the same commercial for 500 Days of Summer about 500 times. It looks stupid. And marketing peeps? Those who watch reality aren’t so much into the indies.

The next morning, Joey’s looking pensive on the balcony. He doesn’t think it’s fair that their stay in the Real World house is dependent upon employment with Student City. Well, that was the deal! We know you’ve seen the show. Same dumb job, and same rules every season. And yes, prince of the herp – the rules apply to you too.

That night, Rihanna and Kirk go out to dinner, because Rihanna just loves her boyfriend so much. They eat sushi, and Rihanna makes sure to mention about a hundred times that she really does care about Boyfriend. It’s annoying as anything to me, but apparently Kirk will put up with a lot when there’s a chance for skanky sex. He tells her he’s jealous of her boyfriend, and she tells us she’s attracted to “everyone”.

We’re friends! Let’s hug! Lying down!

And enough foreplay, let’s get in the hot tub! They do, and Rihanna’s now wet and crawling all over Kirk. He’s kissing her arm. Out of the hot tub, she takes off her shirt to change right in front of him! Rihanna is looking for trouble, and it looks like she finds it. Kirk crawls in bed with her, and next thing you know, she’s telling us how she “didn’t think anything bad was gonna happen” and how it “wasn’t intentional”. You can practice that line all you want babe, Boyfriend’s never going to buy it.

So she gets on the phone with him and he keeps asking her if she’s upset with him. Damn, this guy’s annoying. Oh, who am I kidding, everything’s annoying to me today. But he’s really raising the bar. Rihanna’s painting on some ugly green nail polish and telling Boyfriend how much she misses him. Oh, we know. You missed him with Kirk all night long.

After the call, Brawny tries to talk some sense into her about being such a flirty girl when she has a boyfriend. Of course, he has the conversation with her on his lap, which kind of negates the sincerity of it.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. Right there. Right there. Squeeze.

And finally, we’re about to learn Joey’s fate. He meets up with my future boyfriend Terry, who takes him to a video conference with Christina. Joey just looks pissed. I would have gone for contrite. The first thing Christina says is that she wants his side of the story. “I felt like shit so I slept. What’s going on?” is his response. I would have fired his ass.

But Christina’s going to play along. She gives him a big speech about how blowing off work puts everyone else in a bad spot, and their responsibility is to Student City, blah, blah, blah, if you want to stay, you can stay. And so, he stays.

“I was wrong,” he concedes for a split second, followed by, ” I was kinda out of line.” Kinda? They mean business with that job, buddy, and hooker hangovers are not a valid excuse for missing work. Maybe it’s all good while you’re a wanna be rocker touring the middle schools in a Scooby Doo van, but when that gig dries up, you will be expected at your Radio Shack stockroom job on time.

And that’s all I have to say about that! I would have loved to have seen Joey kicked back to the US – Mexico has enough problems, they don’t need a public herpes outbreak. See you next time for mas, mas, mas!

Oh God. Oh God. Yes….and done. Wheew. Glad we had this talk.