Real World Cancun: Scab Be Gone!

Welcome back to the Real World Cancun! I am delighted to report that the public herpes outbreak in Cancun is no longer a threat! Read on for details…

Bad hair, however, is still a menace.

We return to Cancun for Peak Week. Peak Week is when 70% of American universities are on vacation, says Brawny, and they sure do like to say Peak Week a lot. Our first glimpse of it is at a bar that clearly offers a taste of the local culture and not just a centralized place where Student City can corral their charges and supervise their drunken antics – Daddy O’s! Muy Mexicano, no? Joey and Jasmine are dealing with difficult passengers – my favorite, actually, the righteously indignant “I paid a lot of money for this ____!” To my surprise, Joey actually diffuses this asshole very smoothly.

Student City has no age limits, apparently.

Meanwhile, Brawny and Piglet CJ are reduced to crossing guard duty. They make sure the drunktards don’t run across the street in the middle of traffic. Pretty lame duty if you ask me, but they’re rewarded with the hilarity of a fat, peroxided blonde chick who trips on the dash across the road and falls on her ass.

Job perk.

Back at the house, Joey’s on the phone with his Mommy for a change. He’s giving her the update on how he gets another chance in the house, but how he just doesn’t know if he can follow the rules. He’s so special. Rules were invented for Joey to break them. His Mom sounds so cool though, I don’t understand how she raised him and he turned out like this. Maybe she had a drug problem and just recently kicked it? I just don’t know.

And then, Scrawny Canadian DJ Pat is at the door and Jasmine’s all aflutter. And here’s something else I don’t understand, what the hell does she see in this loser? This is a perplexing episode. Anyway, Jas lets us in on her plan to seduce Scrawny Pat. Ugh, really? She drags him out to the balcony to tease him about the “surprise” she’s got for him. He’s all fake mad that she won’t tell him. What kind of alternate universe is Cancun where Scrawny Pat is cool and unattainable? It’s truly unnerving.

How has he not been pushed into a locker yet?

“Are you going to be at Pat O’Brien’s?” Jas asks Scrawny Pat. Pat O’Brien’s? Okay, I get that we just want them drunk and don’t care how they get there but could some corporate franchise just try and get onboard with the fact that THEY’RE IN FREAKIN’ MEXICO? Anyway, of course Scrawny Pat will be there, he eye rolls, he’s celebrity DJ’ing there tonight. Well, excuuuuuse us, Scrawny Pat Ronson AM.

It would be amazing if they actually ended up at Pat O’Brien’s.

That night, during the Student City authentic Mexicano experience, Brawny is making out with a blonde girl who we are reminded about a hundred times is a Playboy model. Hold the phone. I’d like the see the issue. This girl’s not that hot. Anyway, it will surprise no one to learn that this is the proudest moment in average Brawny’s life. She kisses him dramatically, for the camera. It’s not sexy. It just looks stupid.

Meanwhile, Jasmine is passing Scrawny Pat a note – that’s right, a note – telling him that she wants his hot bod. Gag. And Joey has found some new ho to take home for the evening. This one’s either very drunk, or mentally retarded. She doesn’t talk. Also, she’s wearing pleather. And Brawny takes his alleged Playboy model home too. Which leaves us with Jasmine and Scrawny Pat. They’re walking home and Pat’s telling her smoking is nasty and she better not want to kiss him. Jasmine prances along, completely undeterred, and tells him she’ll just brush her teeth then. He’s saying he doesn’t want to kiss you, Jas. I’m sorry to have to put it like that, but come on.

They get back to the house, she gets Scrawny Pat back to her room, and proceeds to climb all over him. Scrawny Pat just sits there and does nothing. Jasmine kisses him. He doesn’t kiss her back. She asks him to kiss her. He pecks her on the lips. It’s shameless. If it were any other guy I might even love it, but Scrawny Pat? And he’s making matters even worse, telling her when she grumbles that she’s obviously not “getting any” that night, “Who says you’re not getting any?” Ugh, that’s too lazy to even accuse of playing a game. Jasmine, I’m just so very disappointed.

If he’s suffocating you with a pillow, he’s just not that into you.

And I’m not the only one. Jas mopes around the house after Scrawny Pat literally throws her off his lap and takes off, not without his super cool night time white rimmed shades, of course. Jasmine is pissed. “Who turns me down? No one does!” she exclaims. Who, cowgirl, you’re not exactly Rihanna. Then she sits outside on the balcony sulking and looking mighty psycho.

The next morning, Brawny and Joey kick their hos out. Joey’s goes with a sleazy tonguing at the front door, but of course Brawny has to park his bloated alleged Playmate in the confessional and talk about how great it was to wake up with such a hot “babe” next to him. Then he walks her downstairs. He is positively giddy. I wonder if he was a virgin before this.

Hef’s eyes are getting really bad in his old age.

Back at the house, Derek is teasing Brawny about his, ummm, skills the night before. They determine there may not have actually even been any penetration – it might have just been “diddling”. I can’t go on. I simply can’t.

Jasmine’s still upset about Scrawny Pat. And she’s got all this pent up, I don’t know what it is, but she’s tapping her leg like crazy and making everybody nervous. She gets on the phone with one of her friends back home and brags that Scrawny Pat is a cool “hip hop dude”. I’m sorry, did an actual black person just call Scrawny Pat a hip hop dude? How did he do this to her? Is Scrawny Pat the Antichrist?

The next day, Buzzkill boss lady Christina stops by to fill the team in on the VIP event that they will be working on – it’s LMAFO. Or LMFAO? Either way, they sing that annoying “I’m in LA, trick!” song. Naturally, as the act of the split second, they have been signed on for Spring Break duty. I’m shocked MTV isn’t filming this. Oh, wait. They are.

They head to the airport to pick up the grand artistes, who are named Skyblu and Redfoo. I’m rolling my eyes all over the place, but the roomies are so thrilled, they think the LMF’s are just awesome. Brawny is their minder, and he takes them out to the pool where the band and the roomies do some dumb looking dances.

This is a world where Scrawny Pat is considered “hip hop”, so something like this was bound to happen.

And then, a new alleged Playboy model comes along! This one’s Amber, and she’s just as horse faced as the first one. And the guys are just as dopey over her. This time, Joey and Brawny are fighting over her. You see, Brawny kissed her, but then she flitted over to Joey, cause she wanted to see what herpes felt like, and now there’s a fight over the trashy damsel.

Dude, can we switch girls? You work out more.

Luckily, the LMF sidekick named Q helps them sort it out. They come to what Brawny calls a “gentleman’s agreement” – Brawny will “sign off” on Joey taking the ho, but only if Joey can get her to have sex with him in twenty four hours. Gentlemen, indeed.

Later that day, it’s time to do a little work. They’re at the venue, and Brawny is working pretty hard. He’s got CJ and Joey executing for him. Ayiiia, meanwhile, just seems to be sitting around enjoying the afternoon. At the actual show, the LMFs decide that they no longer want to perform on the stage that they had already set up and rehearsed on – damn those temperamental artistic geniuses – no, “Drink all day, drink all night” is best emoted from a spot right in the middle of the venue. I would have told these guys to shove it and just perform like good little monkeys, but Brawny is dazzled by the big time, and actually reshuffles the whole stage.

After the show, Emilee shows us what she thinks of the “gentleman’s agreement” by making out with the fake Playboy girl that Joey and Brawny were fighting over. I love how Emilee uses her lesbianism to piss Joey off. “She liked me better,” she purrs to him the next morning. Meanwhile, Jas is still stuck on you know who. “I like a chase,” she says definitively. Well you know what? I don’t. I’m bored by the chase, I’m embarrassed for you and I’m repulsed by Scrawny Pat. Can’t she just let it go?

Giiiiiirl.

Nope. She’s all over him that night after the LMF show. Until he pushes her away with a “we haven’t had a heart to heart yet”, followed by some load of crap about how he needs to get to know her better. Finally, Jasmine takes off. Awwww, no scrawny body parts poking into you during thirty seconds of jackrabbit sex tonight, sweetie. Poor Jassy. Even supporting player Derek’s found a lover for the night. Derek’s lover has a wristband, which no one seems to be too bothered with. Just pointing it out.

And once she gets home, Jasmine is really, really mad. Brawny suggests masturbation as a possible outlet. Rihanna says Jasmine’s tantrum is the perfect example of why Scrawny Pat is scared away. Or it might be the glass that Jasmine throws a second later. Doesn’t scare the roomies though. “Jasmine, that was not necessary,” Ayiiia scolds half-heartedly, taking a moment to consider picking up a shard and bringing the storyline back her way, but ultimately deciding to go back to just doing her nails.

The next morning, Emilee tries to talk some sense into Jasmine. She tells her she’s chasing him, and flipping out isn’t helping the sitch. “Just be yourself,” she twitters, while Jasmine sits there ignoring every word and planning that night’s strategy for making a total ass of herself.

“Jasmine has fake confidence,” notes Emilee, correctly. She’s insecure underneath. And having Rihanna for a roommate does nothing for that problem, cause it’s just a few hours later that Scrawny Pat is lurking around the Real World house again, only this time not for Jasmine…he’s looking for a “haircut” with Rihanna. Jasmine is not happy, and I’m reminded of the days of Trasha and Marge in Sydney. It’s going to be another girl code event. Big. Sigh.

Sure enough, Jasmine thinks that she brought Scrawny Pat around first and Rihanna should lay off. Rihanna, who has already used her skank magnet skills to suck in half of Cancun, thinks Scrawny Pat’s fair game, and Jasmine has no claim. Scrawny Pat – well, he’s just the jackass in the middle.

He comes over, and sure enough Rihanna is flirting away. Jasmine tries to get in a session on Scrawny Pat’s lap, but Rihanna counters by luring him to the kitchen with her shears, and whispering smugly to him, “I wanted to get you away from Jasmine!” And the fun and games continue into the night. At the club, Scrawny Pat isn’t talking to Jasmine at all – he’s busy doing a photo shoot with Rihanna. Jasmine waxes on and on about girl code, and Rihanna’s now trying to convince us that she really likes Scrawny Pat.

The next day, it’s more LMF action. They’re doing another concert that night, and this time Derek’s in charge. Christina’s got the sad Farrah hair again, and I can’t help wondering for someone so obviously conscious of what their hair’s doing every time they’re on camera, why the hell didn’t she just hire a stylist? Christina also brings us Joey’s missed shift incident. She spends about five minutes talking about how they’re moving forward from it, and it’s in the past. And that it was something that happened, but they’ve forgiven and forgotten and moving on. And it’s over, and done with, and it’s important that everyone understands that. Oh, and he needs to be awake at 8:15 the next morning to work the breakfast shift. Rihanna tells us what a huge, enormous thing it will be for Joey to be up at 8:15 am. Wow, poor kid. Life’s so unfair.

That night, it’s more LMF in concert. It’s the kind of music people just jump up and down like idiots to. They probably recorded it for spring break purposes alone. After the show, it’s back to the Real World house for more partying. The LMF guys run around the house naked, cause that’s what crazy rock stars do, you know. They sing and carry on, and at one point Joey is playing guitar and I notice that it’s sad that he’s got more musical talent than the actual paid musical talent.

Even these sad men are ignoring Jas, and she’s got her legs open wide enough to give birth.

Finally, at 4:30 am, it’s time for bed. Joey asks CJ to set his alarm to wake him up at 8:15, and CJ does it. Let’s note that the alarm is CJ’s alarm clock watch. I’m sure the tinny little beep will be highly dependable…but it’s not. We hear the thing go off at what MTV tells us is 8 am, but it could just be sound effects. Either way, next thing you know, Brawny’s lumbering through the house waking everyone up, and it’s nearly 10 am! Joey at least has the good sense to realize he’s in really big trouble, and hauls ass to the phone.

“I don’t know what happened with CJ’s alarm clock and it’s not 8:00, apparently,” he weasels to Christina. And she is having none of it! It was your responsibility, she tells him. Then CJ gets on the phone. “I’ll take full responsibility,” he tells her sleepily. No. Tell Joey she’ll call him back, is the terse reply.

So Joey heads out to do a little more crying on the balcony. “I set my alarm and it didn’t go off,” he whines. First of all, you didn’t set shit. You put your fate in dopey CJ’s hands. Second of all, aren’t you living in a hotel? What about a wake up call? Or have housekeeping send up an alarm clock? Brawny tells us Joey is “pale, panicking and nervous”. I love it! And Ayiiia loves it too. She hopes he’s already packing.

It doesn’t take long for Christina and my future boyfriend Terry to show up at the house for the verdict. “What’s up?” Joey tosses off, followed by “It wasn’t my fault.” Well, whose was it, the logical people want to know? And Joey doesn’t understand the question. If the alarm clock doesn’t go off, is he just supposed to WAKE UP, he asks angrily? Ummm, yeah? That’s kind of what happens when you have, you know, a life to live?

Bottom line, when Christina went to breakfast this morning, there was no staff. “You have to go home,” she tells him flatly. Oh, I’m disappointed Terry didn’t make the final call, but I like this Christina for not messing around! “No, that’s cool, I’ll just go home. Ridiculous,” he says breezily, cause you know, Joey’s just way too cool to care.

He’ll have osteoporosis by the ten year reunion.

Brawny jumps in, and decides that the best way to get them to let Joey stay is by making Ayiiia look bad. He starts telling Christina that during the LMF concert set up, Joey was really helpful while Ayiiia was just sitting around picking her nose. What would you rather have, he challenges them, someone who does a great job or someone who just shows up?

Christina stares at him. “We’d rather someone show up,” she tells him. Loves it! How fabulous to be the person who tells Herpes that being on the Real World doesn’t make him important?

Of course Joey goes running to the phone to call his Mommy. So you’re all done, she asks, not sounded very surprised. “I don’t care,” he reminds us, “I want to come home.” He starts packing up his stuff, and Christina tries to talk to him. “No! You guys ruined this for me cause my alarm clock didn’t go off.” You’re right, Joey. They ruined everything. None of it was your fault at all. Ditching work the first time and giving yourself a strike for fun – not your fault. Staying up all night before strike two? Please, who could blame you for that? Did you think your STD was so compelling that the time honored going home if you mess up your Real World job wouldn’t apply to you? Well, I’m certain that’s exactly what you thought puppy, but little boys with bad attitudes are a dime a dozen in Reality-land. Off you go. Thanks for playing.

You’ll be able to take that bandana off soon and breathe non stanky air.

And that’s the end of Joey! The roommates are a little sad, but no ones crying a river or anything. Ayiiia is downright ecstatic. Can you blame her? I’m no fan, but after the way he was carrying on about getting her to leave the house, and then he gets booted? I just love a happy ending. I would like to point out that I happened to catch the After Show, and was not at all surprised to hear Joey still coolly proclaiming that he was really ready to go home. It was too hard for him being away from his family and friends and his life. That’s right doll, you just stay in your safe place where that magic marker outline on your leg makes you the baddest fish in the local cesspool.

Well, no secret that I’m glad to see him go. No redeeming qualities really just rubs me the wrong way, although I kind of like his Mom though. I don’t know if this happens next week or not, but Rihanna shows her slutty colors and Brawny tells the girls that he hates them and always did…and I wonder if we get a new roommate? Hasta la vista, baby dolls!