Real World Cancun: Romantic Square

Welcome back to the Real World Cancun! Tonight, it’s all about class.

Flippy is really, really mad at how late this recap is. He kind of ripped me a new one. And it’s his birthday, at least I think that’s what I got of his pissed off email. SORRY. If he doesn’t edit this part out, I might be forgiven. And now, for Cancun.

We start off with Brawny, who as it becomes painfully clear, has far too much time on his hands. He’s spending his quality time in Cancun rigging a booby trap over the front door for his roommates. It’s a box filled with Styrofoam popcorn that’s supposed to fall on your head when you step on its fancy scotch tape rigged trigger. Rihanna is his accomplice. He tells her the popcorn is shrapnel, the box is a land mine and he’s an assassin. This would be stupid under any circumstance, but it’s even worse considering while Brawny’s up in his cushy hotel room playing GI Joe, his Real World predecessor Ryan is off being an actual soldier in Iraq. Brawny’s so good natured and harmless that it borders on mentally retarded.

Should have used something flammable.

And big surprise, Jasmine walks in the house takes one glance down and steps right over it. Brawny can’t believe his scotch tape styro popcorn booby trap was a failure. “How did you know?” he wonders. She just looked down and something wasn’t right. Well, we all know I think pranks are boring, so let’s get to some more exciting stuff! But before that, let’s listen in on another interminable phone conversation with Rihanna and Boyfriend. “What are you doing?” she asks him. Sitting there thinking about her, is my guess. “Doing nothing but sitting here and thinking about you,” he coos. I can’t even brag about being right about it though, seems like that’s all he ever does.

And Rihanna’s getting tired of it. So, in a shocking turn of events, it looks like Rihanna and Boyfriend, who she loves so much forever and ever and even pierced herself like Jesus to prove it….are coming to the end of the road. They’re not growing together, she explains, which is code for I desperately want to have sex with the scrawny, loser DJ to prove to my already insecure roommate that skanky weave always gets her man. Oh, on this note, my friend saw Muppet Daisy at Equinox this morning, and reports that guys were hitting up to her the whole time. It brought up another conversation about why men like skank, and we have confirmed that it’s because skank is easy.

Can I buy you a smoothie?

Back to Rihanna – she also tells us she can’t give Boyfriend what he wants, but considering what he wants is for her to sit around all day on the phone with him, watching all the Spring Break fun from her balcony and wishing she was back home getting ready for the 5 pm shift – I can’t really fault her there.

That night, they’re out at Dady O’s. Now that I know I’m on probation for spelling, I’m trying to spell everything right. I mean, wrong, which is right. Dady O’s sounds like a breakfast cereal. A Mexican one, of course. So they’re there, and Rihanna’s all over Scrawny Pat, making eyes and pointing at him. Jassy tells us she’s jealous of the connection they have, but that’s no revelation.

And back at the house, it’s time for the fire extinguisher incident! We’ve been seeing it in previews for months now, but there’s really not much of a back story here. You think I’d know better by know, that the previews are big teases, but looks like I’m foiled again. He “finds” it somewhere, probably secure in its latched case, but that part is conveniently glossed over. Then he sprays it over the ocean from the balcony. Then, when he’s done wasting fire fighting foam (and how bad is Brawny gonna feel if the ME really does catch on fire one of these days) he chucks the thing over the balcony where it lands in the pool. Then he hauls ass into the house.

Should have just stuck to peeing over the balcony. Way more earth friendly.

The next morning, there’s a chorus of “Geez, Brawny”s from his roommates. He immediately tells us he regrets throwing the fire extinguisher into the pool, but that he’s worried he might be going home for it. I would be too, they really don’t seem to mess around in Mexico. If they voted the Student City leadership into office, I think they could really cut those drug related beheadings at least by half. Pun fully intended.

So whatcha doin’ at the pool, Jassy? Made yourself a new friend? Why yes, she is! His name’s JR. And he’s Scrawny Pat’s cousin. She tells us she can tell him anything, and that’s why she likes him. She’s probably only met him like, a day ago, but already she can tell him anything. Which means poor JR can look forward to a day at the pool with five hours of incessant Rihanna + Pat chatter. Of course, he does get to listen with the cameras on him, and if he has any game at all, he can parlay her misguided attention and lack of any other action into the ultimate prize – Sex In The Real World House!

Talking about the guy who won’t bang you is such a turn on.

Back inside the hotel, Brawny has a meeting with the hotel manager. Everyone agrees this is not good. Piglet CJ (where the heck has this guy been?) pops up on the screen to clarify that one of two things can happen. Either a slap on the wrist, or something more serious. Thanks, genius. Now get back to building that rocket ship. Brawny does wisely lose his hat before headed into the meeting. Brawny’s an idiot, and possibly suffering from IQ dysfunction, but he’s a sweetie and I don’t want anything bad to happen to him.

And to be honest with you, I don’t think it’s going to be that bad. He did something stupid, but no one got hurt, and he was legitimately remorseful for his actions. I would have given him a second chance, but the ME hotel does not agree! The hotel manager’s really nice about it, but at the end of the day, Brawny’s kicked out of the ME! At first I thought, harsh, but then I thought, well it is a luxury property, and who’s to say the next thing that gets chucked off the balcony won’t hit some tourist passerby in the head? But then I thought, well what the heck were they thinking when they agreed to film a Real World season there? It’s a very perplexing dilemma, but I do admire the firm decision making process.

And what does dumbass Brawny do? Tells the man he’s right. He would have thrown him out too. In fact, Brawny’s surprised they didn’t do it sooner! I’m running out of ways to call this guy an idiot. The hotel man tells him he’s welcome to come visit his pals anytime he wants, and actually, if I remember correctly, he said something about you can’t live here for now, which means Brawny might be back, but for now he’s out.

He reports back to the roommates, and they’re bummed but it’s nothing like when Herpes left the building. He heads back upstairs to pack his stuff, and encounters a fire alarm along the way. “You!” he yells at the fire alarm, “You’re the real culprit here!” I know he’s only joking, but the only culprit here is Brawny’s lonely brain cell. I do feel sorry for him, though. He’s dopey, but sweet and harmless and I really don’t have a problem with that.

The advertising for Student City gets better by the episode.

Oh, and I’m forgetting some info here – Brawny’s not kicked off the show, he’s just kicked out of the ME Hotel. And he’s still employed with Student City, as far as we know, so he hits up Xtina for a spot in the Student City dorms, called the GRL. Xtina’s wearing a hat in this scene because the fire extinguisher thing really did happen in real time, so she had no chance to plan out which celebrity style to spend hours poorly executing today, and this her best look so far! She tells him he can stay at the Student City dorm, but he has to behave himself. He agrees, and so he’s still on the show. Sort of.

Back at the house, Jassy is looking for some attention. “How do you dial out locally?” she asks her roomies scattered around the living room. Why, who are you calling, the roomies ask, as prompted. But now that’s she’s got them on the hook, Jassy wants to dangle them there for a while. She tells them she’s not talking, and then proceeds to make a reservation at Harry’s (which we already know from one of Rihanna’s eighty million dates that weren’t really dates because she loves Boyfriend until the end of time, is one of the nicest places in Cancun) in JR’s name. Way to divert questions, Jas!

Rihanna, who I’ll admit is very, very perceptive when it comes to others, and as is often the case with people like this – completely blind to herself, tells us that Jassy is the type who will tell you she has a secret just so you’ll ask her what the secret is. And sure enough, there’s Jassy acting all coquettish in front of the group, telling us that she doesn’t want them to know her business because she doesn’t trust them. Which obviously explains why she made a big show of making her dinner reservation in JR’s name in front of everyone. Then she adds fuel the fire, telling them, “It’s not the JR who you think.” Now she’s just acting like a fool. Rihanna says that she’s trying to make Scrawny Pat jealous, but it’s going to work out the way she thinks.

And to ensure just that, Rihanna races to the phone to make her plans of her own with Scrawny Pat. “Pat’s my friend and if we want to go out together, we can,” she tells us defiantly. You go girl. Secure that tiny Canadian peen.

And then the fun starts. Jassy meets JR, who as it turns out, is the exact JR everyone thought it was. JR, who might be a little confused about which reality show he infiltrated, tells her on a real first date he’d have a rose, but since it’s Cancun, some stolen flowers from the hotel lobby will have to do. Then he tells her change of plans, they’re eating Thai food. Don’t know what that has to do with anything, but if you care, that’s what they ate. During dinner, he tells her that he’s been there over twenty times, and he’s over the whole, “I’m in Cancun” thing. Oh yeah? Then why did you use just that as your excuse for why Jassy didn’t get a rose on her date?

Over on Rihanna and Scrawny Pat’s date that isn’t a date because Rihanna is pierced with love for Boyfriend, they are discussing Jassy and JR. The main topic is how stupid and immature they are for rubbing their pretend relationship in everyone’s face, and how Rihanna and Scrawny sooooo don’t care, but still, that’s the convo. Then they head over to yet another authentic local joint, Bulldog’s, for the big showdown. It’s Rihanna and Scrawny, Jassy and JR, and everyone else standing around. Ayiiia tells us how awkward it is. Derek tells us it’s a “love square”. I’m just waiting for someone to throw a drink at someone. Where’s Brawny when you need him?

Back at the house, Rihanna is reporting to Boyfriend. She tells us their conversations have become routine. She listens to his sappy story about how much he loves her and misses her and sits around all day thinking about her, and then she interrupts him to tell him she has to go to bed. “When can I call you back?” he asks desperately. Get a grip, man! “I don’t know,” she snaps in response and pretty much hangs up on him.

Close your legs.

Meanwhile, Jassy has taken up Rihanna’s snuggle position in the hammock. I can’t help but wonder if this is part of what’s putting Rihanna in a bad mood. I think it really pisses her off that Jassy’s bouncing back with the cuz, whatever the reason. I will not be shocked if next week, Rihanna decides that it’s really JR she likes. Anyway, Jassy is opening up to JR. She’s telling him she’s been played a lot, which is funny because wasn’t it just last week that she was boasting about how no one ever turns her down and Scrawny Pat’s the first one ever to get her off her game? Yeah, we knew that was phony baloney bravado, but I’m still calling her on it. And then, they snuggle.

But Jassy tells us she doesn’t want to “seal the deal” (which is an expression that I don’t care for) because she wants to get to know him better, and she doesn’t want to be clingy like she was with Scrawny Pat. This from the girl who was literally breaking shit in the house because she couldn’t get any. In case anyone hasn’t figured it out, the real world reason why she doesn’t want to do it is because once she spreads ‘em for Cuz, her chances with Scrawny Pat are really over and the one thing she’s really still clinging to is delusion.

Inside the house, Derek and Emilee are having a very in sync conversation (seriously, they’re finishing each others sentences) about how Jassy’s plan has no chance of working, and how they think Cuz is gay because he dresses nicely and is well groomed. “He dresses better than I do!” says Derek. So? Being gay doesn’t mean you were born with style. All I ever see Derek in is shorts and t-shirts, same as the straight guys. I don’t know how it goes in Cancun, but here in LA, you have to earn your fabulousness.

The next morning, Brawny moves out. He packs up, and does one last confessional with CJ Piglet and Derek. Derek tells Brawny he wishes he hadn’t been such a dumbass. Not really a touching farewell, but it’s true. Of course anywhere the boys are gathered, Rihanna must be too, and halfway through the confessional, she’s on Brawny’s lap.

They walk him over to the GRL, where the rest of the Student City folk stay, and what a total dump. Brawny’s new roommates are predictably giddy over the Real World infiltration. While Brawny’s feeling like crap about his new digs, Rihanna not so helpfully points out the he can see the ME from his dinky little window. Then Brawny starts messing around with his roommate’s cheap boomerang toy, and breaks it, prompting yet another chorus of “Oh, Brawny”s.

In season 2 this would have been considered rape.

Back at the house, it’s time for today’s installment of Rihanna and Boyfriend On The Phone. And when she asks him what he’s doing, he really throws us for a loop. Not only is he sitting around thinking about her, but he’s also eating Subway! There you go tiger, mix it up! Keep yourself busy with the $5 footlong so you don’t have to think about her. She does her time on the phone, but tells him pretty quickly that she has to go. “I love you,” he tells her. She starts to hang up, but then brings the phone back and asks him, “Why?” What do you mean, why? Didn’t he make you a list in Episode One? It’s for all the important reasons, like how you talk dirty to him.

Then she tells him the real problem, which is, “What if you love me more than I love you?” And again, what do you mean, what if? Listen, I’m not faulting Rihanna for wanted to end it with this guy, he’s far too clingy and annoying, but now she’s just toying with his heart and it’s not nice. And Boyfriend, to his credit, calls her on it. “Do you feel the same way about me as when you left?” he asks her.

And her response is the reason why I really don’t like her. “Yeah, obviously,” she mentions carelessly. The only obvious thing about the situation is that she wants the hell out of it. Just end it already! Stop being an asshole. Boyfriend agrees. “No, not obviously,” he stands up to her. Then she starts telling him that she’s just too young and it’s too soon and she’s scared to move it with him. “You’re not ready to move in? Then we won’t move in. We’ll just take that out of the equation,” he tells her pathetically. Talk about clinging. Jassy’s got nothing on Boyfriend. “Yeah,” Rihanna murmurs, gazing away from the phone. It’s funny, but you can actually see the click in her brain. It’s over.

Please. Condition. PLEASE.

That night, before the club, the roomies call Jassy on using Cuz to get to Scrawny Pat. Predictably, Jassy is angry and in denial. “I wouldn’t be that transparent! I wouldn’t use his cousin!” she yells. Sure, just like the JR you went out with wasn’t the JR everyone thought it was. And at the club, Jassy’s prancing around with Cuz, making sure Scrawny Pat’s looking. Rihanna makes another observation that Jassy competes for attention. Well, she has to with Rihanna around!

The best part of the night is Brawny sitting by himself in a pizza place – I’m sorry, are we even in Mexico? Judging by the locales, we could be in any pre-fab strip mall in America. Anyway, Brawny’s sitting by himself when Ayiiia and Emilee walk in. He yells hello to him, Ayiiia gives him a quick wave, and they’re out the door. Harsh. And also hilarious.

And times aren’t getting any better for Brawny. He gets home to his crappy new hotel…and he’s locked out. Key doesn’t work. Maybe those roommates weren’t so happy to have him after all. He knocks and calls, but no one’s home. The he tries the front office, but no luck there either. And this is why I like Brawny. Ever other mentally unbalanced Real Worlder would have lost it by now, but Brawny and his sweet little lobotomy just shrug and go sleep on a hammock. And I am pleased to report the return of my old friend Sneaky PA, who manages to rustle up a stray, mangy dog for Brawny to run into on the street so he can tell us, “I know how that stray dog’s feelin’”. Poor Brawny.

Back at the house, the real drama’s going down! Jassy’s prancing around with Cuz, while Rihanna and Scrawny Pat mope around talking about how annoying the whole thing and how they sooooo don’t care. Jassy’s really committed to this game. She takes Cuz back to her bed, where she lies there looking vulnerable and he tells her “these jeans are too tight” and he has to take them off. All together now….ewwwwwwww. Meanwhile, over in Rihanna’s room, Scrawny Pat is climbing all over her and she’s still singing the I Have A Boyfriend song. He tries to kiss her and she somehow manages to squeal with delight and smack his hand away at the same time. Take notes, girls.

This will turn really gay any second.

The next morning, Jassy bids Cuz goodbye, but then she notices Scrawny Pat’s ridiculous silver sneakers outside Rihanna’s door. Oh, like he couldn’t have taken them off inside the room? I’m sorry, but this is really mean. It wasn’t enough that they had to have this relationship, but now they’re mad that Jassy has the audacity to move on? Why do they care? Rihanna and Scrawny Pat deserve each other.

Brawny makes a visit to the roomies at the ME Hotel. Clingy is the word today! He takes a shower, and wrestles with the girls. Oh, Brawny.

And then it’s time for dark and ominous music, even though it’s a beautiful sunny day. Must be time for Rihanna to call Boyfriend! They get on the phone, and I am officially on Team Boyfriend. He calmly tells her he’s glad she called and he wants to know what’s in her head right now. “I don’t want to talk about this,” she tells him. Of course not, why talk about it when you can just string him along while you’re on holiday, and then pierce his lips back onto your ass when you get home? But Boyfriend is not letting her get away with it. “Just give it to me straight, babe,” he tells her, “Is there someone else?”

She admits that Scrawny Pat spent the night. “Did you have sex?” he asks her immediately, “I’m just saying….” Just saying….that you know what a slut she was and this was inevitable? But Boyfriend’s all too eager to forgive. “Everyone makes mistakes,” he tells her, but she has him to come back to. Then he asks her if she still wants them to “be something” when she comes home. And…silence. “You don’t know, do you,” he says, and it’s not a question. And she doesn’t not know, either. She’s just not a good enough woman to say it.

The next day it’s raining, and Rihanna tells us she’s confused. She doesn’t know if Scrawny Pat’s worth her relationship with Boyfriend, or if it’s even Scrawny Pat at all. “No one wants to hurt someone they love,” Ayiiia says, but the truth is, she’s hurting him more by stringing him along. And now it’s time for the scraper to be insightful. She says that Rihanna’s flirty, and she should have seen this coming. Then she flat out tells her it’s obvious that she doesn’t to be with Boyfriend anymore.

In the house, Jassy is on Cuz’s lap with her legs open. Finally, taking a hint from Rihanna! That’s how you snag ‘em! At least on Spring Break. Jassy tells us how much Cuz likes her as a person. Then Cuz gets her into the bedroom, where she asks him if he believes in foreplay, to which he replies, “F*** the future, it’s now. Let’s go, bitch.” First of all, that doesn’t make any sense. Second of all, how charming.

Later that night, Emilee and Derek are lying in bed and talking about how quiet it is without Brawny, and what an idiot he is. Cut to Brawny sprawled on a bench, looking mighty homeless, and accepting a slice of pizza from a random guy on the street who identifies himself as Super Mario.

And then Rihanna and Scrawny Pat are on another date that might not be a date. Only this one is a date, cause now she’s officially broken up with Boyfriend. Wait, did I miss the actual breakup? I saw a phone call when she ho danced around the issue, but I do not recall an honest conversation telling Boyfriend it’s over. Either way, as far as Rihanna’s concerned, it is. She tells him what a big deal he is for breaking her up with Boyfriend, and of course mentions the real reason she wanted him in the first place, which is that he was someone her roommate liked. Then she beats him over the head with her skanky piece of weave, and drags him back to her lair, where he lies on her bed in his ridiculous Ronald McDonald yellow sunglasses. Well played, Rihanna. Enjoy your prize.

Next week (meaning, tonight) there’s a threesome in the confessional. That means tres!