Real World: Scrawny Pat Counts to Three

This week, on the Real World, the first half of the show is the threesome and the second half is everyone talking about it. Probably the best episode of the Real World in a while! Well, it had the inter-roomie threesome, so it kind of wins by default, but – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – I was actually wondering what was going to happen next!

Fingers crossed that it’s not this.

Oh, and by the way, I think I somehow missed the Rihanna breakup call. They show a scene of her last week flat out telling Boyfriend they were breaking up. So, at least she did that. And I think we feel as free as Rihanna does now, not having to suffer through anymore of those mind numbing phone calls.

Today’s phone call is Ayiiia, and she’s got lots to share! First of all, she has a boyfriend. I had no idea. Or did I? Whatever, the point is, she has a boyfriend and they have an open relationship. Open to girls, that is. Ayiiia’s telling whoever she’s got on the phone how much fun it is experimenting. Well, if the experiment works, might as well cut your hair, buy a pair of Birks and go for it!

I have a feeling this isn’t gonna turn out well.

Meanwhile, Rihanna’s life is upside down. She’s sad and worried and Scrawny Loser DJ Tiny Peen Pat is leaving Cancun in a few days and – hold up. Scrawny Pat is leaving in a few days? She broke up with Boyfriend, who she pierced herself with love for, for not only a scrawny loser, but a scrawny loser who’s leaving town in week? Oh wait, unless Scrawny Pat was just the bridge to becoming a total whore in Cancun? Cause in that case, very smart decision. But she does talk about how much she likes Scrawny Pat…followed by a comment that she’s going crazy.

And as for poor jilted Jassy, cousin JR is now officially titled “Jasmine’s Boyfriend”. Really? That was fast! Hasn’t Cuz only been in town for like a week? Poor Jassy. Your grudge fuck in Cancun is not your boyfriend. Anyway, she gives a whole speech about how the cousin thing is weird, but she’s just happy. Well, I’m fine with that. She can stay deluded as long as she wants. Well, as long as it is until she sees it on TV. They snuggle in a hammock, and then Jassy gets on the phone to her friends back home to give them the update. She’s in love with Cuz, Scrawny Pat’s out of the picture and Rihanna’s a big jerk. Jassy thinks Rihanna won’t approach her about stealing Scrawny Pat because Rihanna just doesn’t care. I agree.

But Rihanna does talk to Jassy. They bond over a cigarette. Jassy tells Rihanna they’re cool, but why didn’t she just say something about going from helping Jassy land Pat to wanting his cheap Canadian bacon for herself? Rihanna commends Jassy for being so cool in the situation, but at the same time says, “Thank God for JR.” So true, if Cuz hadn’t turned up to distract Jassy, Scrawny Pat and Rihanna never would have been able to embark upon their three minute love affair. Then Jassy rubs in Rihanna’s face how HAPPY she is – “Me and JR just laugh,” she gloats, but tells us that it’s going to take more that a cigarette for Rihanna to regain her trust.

Cuz has been good for your hair. He’s like a bottle of Pantene.

Back to Rihanna’s other problem, and that’s Boyfriend. She’s gazing at his wall of pictures, or maybe that’s the cameraman trying to do it for her. Either way, she calls him. She wants to know if he’s okay. Ugh, still an asshole. Can’t she just leave him alone already? But in Rihanna’s case, it’s starting to dawn on her that Scrawny Pat’s on his way back home, and soon she will be too so I’m sure this is her exact intention in calling him. Boyfriend tells her that he’s puking every day because she ripped out his heart. Have some pride, man! You can take your balls back now that she’s done with you, you know.

Boyfriend’s a big drama queen, so he asks Rihanna about Scrawny Pat. She doesn’t want to tell him about the sex, but hello, if we know Rihanna was a slut before she met Boyfriend, I bet you he knows it too. He tells her if she still has his pictures up it means she still loves him, and she tells him she’s going to take them down. She says the only thing she regrets is not ending things sooner. “You don’t have a soul!” he yells at her. I love a dramatic breakup! You don’t have a soul! She tells him she wants him to feel better. He tells her he doesn’t care, and that he’s ready to walk out into traffic right now. Then he tells her to stop calling. Oh, and that he’ll kill himself. Boyfriend is turning in quite a performance.

Rihanna’s upset when she hangs up the phone, and of all people, Piglet CJ’s got the advice. He tells her Boyfriend’s all about control right now. “Did he threaten to kill himself?” Detective Piglet wants to know. She tells him he did. “Control,” Piglet shrugs. He tells us the breakup is a good experience for her. Case closed.

Don’t do it around my stuff, k? I hate cleaning.

But Rihanna’s still upset. “He said I had no soul,” she tells the roomies. “Who took it, the devil?” hoots Ayiiia from the corner. Rihanna’s not getting the kind of attention she’s looking for here, so she goes crying to everybody’s gay bestie, Derek. “He hates me,” she laments. The only thing more annoying that then dumper who keeps calling is the dumper who insists on staying best friends. And they’re usually the same person.

Next stop – Cancun Airport! Ayiiia’s friends are coming into town. She’s happy because her friends are the only people she can be 100% herself in front of. So, the scraping thing was an act? Pick me up off the floor, I’m shocked. She takes her friends to the pool where they drink tropical drinks that remind me how much I need a damn vacation. I don’t know why, but the topic is Rihanna and how they’re all so worried about what’s going to happen to her after Scrawny Pat returns to Canada. I wouldn’t waste a second worrying about Rihanna. Girlfriend’s proved she can look out for herself.

And here’s the reason why the topic was Rihanna – Ayiiia has a crush on her! Ayiiia’s friends want to know when she’s going to officially declare herself lesbian, and they also tell her that Rihanna’s too hot for her and Ayiiia can’t get her. I love Ayiiia’s friends. Bunch of bitches telling it like it is. Derek says it would be fun to watch the chase.

OK this chick needs to narrate every episode.

Back at the house, Jassy and Cuz are going waaaaay to far in showing off how in love they are and how they don’t care at all what’s going on with Rihanna and Scrawny Pat by inviting them out to dinner. That is far too awkward to even pretend about. Doesn’t stop Jassy though. But it’s not her fault, Rihanna and Pat want to play along too. They say yes. Rihanna says she’s going to take a shower, which from the looks of her might be the inaugural one and Scrawny just sighs and says he won’t say anything during dinner. Hey jackass, you could have just said no. Made up an excuse, a Spring Break celebrity DJ gig, whatever.

Actually, now that I think about – and heaven help me, why am I thinking about it? – Jassy and Scrawny are kind of perfect together. It’s all about the self created drama. The awkward foursome finds Emilee sitting around doing nothing and invites her to the dinner. “I don’t want to be the fifth wheel,” Emilee whines. Emilee’s kind of a brat, I love it. “Emilee, pleeeeease come,” begs Scrawny Pat. Again, if you didn’t want to go, you didn’t have to! You’re not even in this cast. Go away. I know you’re leaving in two days, but it’s not soon enough.

Jassy makes sure to tell us again that it’s not awkward, but Rihanna and Scrawny are making it awkward. Stop telling us how awkward it isn’t! “But we deal well with awkward,” Rihanna and Scrawny congratulate each other. Yes, you two are great at making your beds and then complaining about lying in them.

Let’s find out!

And guess how dinner is? Totally awkward. Jassy and Scrawny are kind of mean to each other. They cover it up by pretending they’re joking, but it’s a pretty high tension sitch. Emilee has worn a black and white dress to dinner, and says it’s a good thing she did because she feels like the referee. After dinner, Em reports to the rest of the roomies how mean Scrawny is to Jas, and how even Rihanna had to tell him to stop. Ayiiia declares them all “immature”. Then she follows Rihanna out to a club to take full advantage of the messed up situation and get her to make out with her. It totally works.

Back at the house, it’s still not time for the threesome. We now have to get through a night of Ayiiia lying on her bed, talking about how her relationships with women are so unique and loving. Didn’t we get enough of this Lillith Fair crap in the 90′s? Stop trying to paint it a different color and just be a full time lesbian already. Over in Rihanna’s bedroom, she’s showing off her picture-less wall to Scrawny, but she tells him she’s sad about it. “Well, as long as it’s good for you,” says Scrawny carelessly. Meaning, it was totally weird doing it under all those pictures, but with dirty Spring Break sex, you can’t be too picky.

The next day is a big meeting with Xtina, who tells the team that Spring Break is winding down, and it’s time to start saying adios to some people. Like Scrawny Pat. Rihanna rides the bus with the only person in the house who hasn’t had to listen to her breakup drama yet, and that’s Brawny and that’s only because technically, he’s no longer in the house. She tells him she feels like a terrible person. He says she didn’t kill anyone, she just broke up with a guy. Yeah, but she did it in a terrible way, and she’s dragging it out in a terrible way, and she’s going to go running back to him in a terrible way before she gets bored again or the next loser DJ comes along to sweep her off her feet.

That night at Scrawny’s final super cool DJ gig, Rihanna is being a total tiny peen groupie near the DJ booth. Actually, it’s more a DJ elevated area and as I’m writing this, the news about DJ AM is just breaking – I know, “celebrity” DJ, who cares, but I’ve seen him in action and he really did play everything you love – and telling us how great Scrawny Pat is. He’s confident, he’s got a lot going for him and he knows it, she tells us. I just don’t know what to say anymore. Maybe Scrawny Pat’s a witch and he’s cast a spell on her? And Jasmine? And, and annoys me even to write it but you know it’s probably true, various other Student City staff and campers?

Unless it’s my penis.

While Rihanna’s lost in the allure of the Scrawny DJ, Ayiiia’s busy with her plan. She’s going to make out with Rihanna. Didn’t she already do that last night? I don’t think there’s much of a plan involved here besides getting Rihanna drunk, which totally works out.

And then it’s time for the confessional! I have to admit, even though I don’t like the players, I love how the whole thing went down. Reality threesomes are always exciting but they’re not all so self destructive. It couldn’t have been scripted better. Maybe it was. Maybe Scrawny Pat is Sneaky PA. They have the same initials, you know. Anyway, he’s in the confessional with Rihanna, who’s really whoring it up for the cameras. She opens her legs really wide, like she’s been practicing during all those phone calls to Boyfriend, and drapes one over Scrawny Pat. I still think she’s gross, but I recognize that there are a lot of people in Cancun who would love to be in Scrawny’s silver sneakers and yellow sunglasses at that moment, and any one of them deserves to be there more than Scrawny Pat.

And it’s about to get even better for him. Rihanna prances behind the bench in the confessional where everyone sits, and he follows her. “Bench, hide us,” he chortles, like he’s saying something funny. What an idiot. Rihanna lies on the floor, he gets on top of her, and then Ayiiia walks in. “You’re not allowed to do that!” she yells. Rihanna and Scrawny laugh, Ayiiia turns out the lights, and two seconds later, the night vision cameras are on. Please, this is light the eighty millionth Real World sex scene these people have shot. They know what they’re doing.

Well, Pat doesn’t but he’ll learn. First step, look less scared.

Scrawny Pat proves even less deserving of the super slutty Spring Break threesome that everyone will know about with the line, “Let’s make it interesting.” Oh, smooth. But it works. They grope around in the confessional for a minute, and then they tear out of the confessional, down the hall and into Rihanna’s bed. Which is right next to Emilee’s bed. Where Emilee is currently in a very deep sleep. Perhaps Adderall isn’t the only inhabitant of Emilee’s pill case. A pill popping brat? Now I really love her. I bet you Emilee’s family has a lot of money.

Anyway, they commence with the threesome. I don’t know why I wrote it so formal. Of course we don’t really see much besides moving around under the blankets. “Am I dreaming right now? This isn’t real life for me!” says Scrawny Pat, playing it cool. “Am I happy it’s with Pat? No.” says Ayiiia bluntly. But she doesn’t really care because Rihanna’s there. You know, I read a quote from Bret Michaels, or maybe it was Tommy Lee – doesn’t matter, equal man whores – about how it was better to have a foursome than a threesome, because with three sometimes the girls get busy with each other and you end up sitting there doing nothing. I am slightly consoled by the fact that Scrawny’s tiny peen probably didn’t really get a lot of action out of the event.

The girls shush Scrawny every time he talks, which I think is pretty funny. Derek walks by, pretending it’s all casual even though he was probably mentally rehearsing how he was going to tell everyone the story from the moment they got home. He tells us that he didn’t see Rihanna and a threesome coming, which means Derek’s brain is blind.

And that’s all for the threesome. And now, for the disastrous aftermath! “Would it have happened sober? I don’t think so,” says Rihanna. She and Ayiiia decide not to say anything about it to the roommates. Well, I suppose it would be a little weird to call a house meeting and announce it. Clueless Emilee’s all nice and perky from her pharmaceutical nap and teases Rihanna about how she slept through her and Scrawny “boning”. Rihanna just looks uncomfortable.

You’re supposed to wash your hands before. You might have given someone salmonella.

And then it’s time to get rid of Scrawny Pat and his deceitful sidekick, Cuz. I don’t know why I don’t like Cuz all of the sudden. I just have a feeling it’s not going to end well for tiny, insecure Jassy and I don’t like it. Jassy does baby talk to Cuz and calls Scrawny Pat “Patrick”. She really hates him. She hates him more than she likes Cuz. Well, maybe she’ll be the dumper. That would be nice.

Derek, who it’s a miracle made it through the night without alerting the roomies, takes Emilee for a walk, and tells her what every roommate wants to hear – that a threesome with your roommate, someone you’ve already done it with (and she was Ayiiia’s first remember?) and a scrawny Canadian DJ with pimples on his butt happened in the bed a foot away from yours. Emilee is upset and grossed out. I personally don’t see how a threesome is really any worse than two way sex happening in the bed next to you, and doesn’t that happen on the Real World all the time? Does it? I’m really not sure. And what kind of world do we live in when I’m legitimately wondering if it’s okay or not okay to be annoyed about people having sex in the bed next to you?

But she also says she thinks that Rihanna was sneaky, which I don’t really get because having sex a foot away from someone is pretty blatant, and also that it’s gross that Scrawny Pat has now been with three roommates in the house. That is gross. Then she makes a big deal about how she’s not judging Rihanna, and she’s not trying to avoid her, but she’s just not ready to talk about it. How is that not avoiding her? Emilee doesn’t make any sense. She’s just randomly mad. But she’s not flipping out or anything, she’s just laying in bed all day. Rihanna keeps coming in the room to bother her, but Emilee’s in no mood. “I’m depressed,” she grumbles and rolls over. I love her pill popping ass.

Cheer up. There’s a pill for that. Call your mom.

But Rihanna figures out something’s wrong, so she goes to everybody’s gay bestie Derek to get the scoop. Derek’s all too happy to tell her that the cat’s out of the bag, and she was stupid to think she could hide it. Rihanna can’t understand why Emilee’s mad. “It had nothing to do with her!” she says defensively. Except the part that it happened right next to her. Those rooms are tiny, some stray body part could have gotten in Emilee’s face at any time. I’m not sure how, but now it’s all twisted so that Emilee’s the bad guy. “Well, if she’s going to judge about it, then I’m glad I didn’t tell her,” says Rihanna, still defensively. Although she does admit that perhaps the reason she didn’t tell Emilee is because she’s not comfortable with it herself.

So she takes the case to Ayiiia, who justifies Emilee’s not deserving to know about the diseases being exchanged next to her by saying that Emilee has a big mouth. Oh, worried about people finding out, are you? Never mind those pesky cameras.

But now that word’s out, Ayiiia wants to tell Jassy, so Jassy doesn’t find out through the grapevine. She takes her out to dinner, to yet another authentic Mexicano destination, the hookah bar, and breaks the news to her over dinner. She’s nervous to tell her, because of Jassy’s obsession with Scrawny Pat. She makes sure Jas knows that she didn’t do anything with Scrawny, it was all about Rihanna, Ayiiia says. Jasmine’s the opposite of Emilee. Granted, she wasn’t sleeping in the next bed over, but she thinks it’s none of her business. And she kind of doesn’t understand why she got dragged to the hookah bar to hear the news.

And now it’s time for Emilee and Rihanna to have their talk. Emilee’s weirded out, Rihanna is too, Emilee says she’s freaking out after her breakup, Rihanna says she regrets the whole thing but she can’t take it back. And the last person who needs to find out about this is Ayiiia’s mystery boyfriend, Ryan. She tells him about it, only in her version, it was all Rihanna’s idea. Again, just ignore those pesky cameras. They’re just for show, they’re not recording this or anything.

Then Ayiiia’s telling us how she “never thought this would happen” in one sentence, and in the next sentence she says she knew what she was doing and she didn’t care. I don’t think Ayiiia was that drunk. Now she’s worried about dealing with the consequences with her family. So many consequences from one little threesome!

And there’s even more! Rihanna is writing what looks like a seventy page email to Scrawny Pat. She needs to know what’s going on between them. And what guy doesn’t like receiving a “where is this going?” email from his dirty Spring Break hookup? Brawny returns to the house, and CJ Piglet gives him the update. He’s surprised at Scrawny Pat’s involvement, but not about Ayiiia. Wow, it’s annoying typing three “i”s.

LOL

And I have to type it again, cause there’s Ayiiia on the balcony, telling us how it was fun at the time, but her family’s not going to be happy with her. She emotes about not being able to be her true self around her family because they’re “professionals” and they’d be disappointed in her. Yeah, the nerve of those “professionals”, being disappointed that their daughter’s a drunken whore. That’s a perfectly respectable lifestyle choice! Some people are just so prejudiced.

Then we get to the heart of the matter, which is that Ayiiia feels guilty for being “bi-curious”, which really means that she’s this whole being worried about disappointing her family thing is really her way of saying she doesn’t know how she’s going to tell them she’s a lesbian. And that’s messed up because there’s nothing wrong with that. But some people really are that prejudiced.

Dear Mom, I’m gay but not at least I’m not just some ho. Wait. Scratch that. New paper!

And then, the best part of the episode, in my opinion. Rihanna calls Scrawny Pat. So, that makes one loooooong email and a phone call from Rihanna to Scrawny Pat, but nothing from him. He picks up, and he’s shouting with loud noises in the background. “Hi!” she says in a sad voice she’s trying to make cheerful. Rihanna ended one long distance relationship to start another. What a well thought out plan.

“I can’t hear you!” yells Scrawny Pat through the phone. It’s not even clear if he knows it’s Rihanna on the other end or not. “Do you want me to call you back?” she asks, and you know who she sounds exactly like? Boyfriend. “I can’t hear you, have a good night, bye!” a clearly drunken Scrawny Pat yells through the line. And he hangs up on her! Rihanna looks very confused. Let me explain it to you sweetheart – you got exactly what you wanted and exactly what you deserved.

And that’s it! The last five minutes are literally filler of Ayiiia and Rihanna lying around and regretting everything. Rihanna doesn’t know if Scrawny Pat was worth it. Ayiiia doesn’t want to hide her true self anymore. And lots of mopey music.

Next week, Piglet gets a story, but it’s about football so I can already tell you I don’t care. Rihanna looks like she’s finally letting her inner slut out to play, and Brawny tells Emilee and Ayiiia that he hates them both. Muy dramatica. Hasta la vista!