Real World DC: You’re My Dick

This week on The Real World, Dorkus gets shot down but picks himself up and gets himself a fug to lay, BiGuy makes out with boys and girls, and Blondie makes out with a pantry full of food. God Bless America.

Inside voice.

Previously, eight strangers arrived in DC and scared American adults about the future of their country.

Fine vote him in. He couldn’t be any worse than the yahoos we’ve got now.

Ah, Real World. How I love your “young Americans are drunk sluts”/”young Americans show such promise” bipolarism. We know we’re in for a very, very meaningful season because A. It’s in DC and B. even the blonde is half brunette.

Let’s google stuff.

We open today’s episode with Odrama chatting on the phone with some twit friend about her roommates. Andrew wears like random glasses and like random clothes and stuff. Odrama thought she was gonna hate Blondie, but she likes her now cuz Blondie said that she “wants to learn.” So she’s an idiot because she’s blonde, but she’s making an effort with the whole skunk hair thing to move on to brunetteville and possibly read a book or something so now she’s suddenly respectable in this girl’s eyes. I don’t know why I already dislike Odrama so much, but it feels good. Like I’ve hated her for years. (inhales deeply and stares at sunset with dewy eyes.)

Oh wait. More Odrama opinions. There are lots of “likes” and “uhs” so I think I’ll just leave that out, except for Mike’s description. She tells twit friend that he’s “bisexual” in a stage whisper, like she’s a Neil Simon character talking about cancer. “But…then he has these green eyes and tan skin and athletic build…” so now he’s ok? I pity the ugly bisexual who crosses this asshole’s path.

Dorkus and Blondie sit at the computer and bond over Dorkus’ comic book art. It was offensive and got him fired. If you can’t demean women and lesbians, what’s the point anyway? Blondie has never seen so much written down in one place before, so she’s totes impressed with it all. To thank him for sharing, she shares too. Tit for tat. Well, no. No tits. Dorkus would have creamed himself right then and there. Instead, she whips out her book of photos, cuz she’s a photographer remember? I don’t think I’ve ever thought of taking a picture of the electrical box outside my apartment building, but I’m glad someone did.

I see a long, long career ahead of you. As a cocktail waitress.

Romantic music plays as Dorkus tells us that he’s got an instaboner for Blondie. Shocker! She’s sitting waaaay too close. “She’s my whale. And I’m Moby Dick. Wait…was Moby Dick the whale? Captain Ahab. And she’s my dick.” LOLOLOLLLL ok I love him.

Emily is bonding with Odrama, telling her about her childhood in a religious sect “that was close to a cult.” What does that mean? Is a cult or not? Cuz right now she’s talking about how you were made to feel guilty about everything and you always had to get on your knees and apologize to God no matter what you did. Uh, honey? I don’t wanna take away your painful backstory or anything cuz you need that more than makeup….

….but that’s not a cult. It’s called Catholic school. Oh wah. She goes on and on about it, and until I hear “we were forced to have sex with the cult leader and clean his assault rifles with Qtips in the basement of a dirty, water and electricity free compound wearing clothes we made ourselves out of things we found from dumpsters in town”, I’m not buyin’ it. Odrama is though. She scrunches up her face and nods meaningfully, saying she’s sorry for all the pain. Emily insists that that pain made her what she is today. Which I’m guessing is a “I’m gonna get revenge on my parents” kind of slut. I wonder if Ty will be thinking, the first time they bang, “she’s just trying to piss off her parents. So I’m going for anal.”

The next day, or something, Odrama and BiGuy walk arm in arm while the Rockers look on. Odrama offers her body to BiGuy, and BiGuy’s all “yay!” The Rockers are confused by this, cuz BiGuy’s, well, bi. How come bisexuality on a girl is hot but on a guy it’s like “ew. He’s had a penis in his mouth”? Personally, I don’t believe for one second he’s bi. As we all know by now in enlightened 2010, bi is another word for “gay but still getting money from my parents so shhhhhh.”

Ty asks Emily about her own dip into vag bisexuality. She met some girl when she was working at Starbux, gave her her number, and boned her in her dorm room. Then she was grossed out when the girl said the L word a couple weeks later cuz that means commitment. Duh. It’s called LESBIANISM. She’s lucky she didn’t wake up with a bike lock on her labia. Besides, maybe she was just inviting you over to watch The L Word.

Ty wants to know what Emily’s “synopsis of me” is. LOL. Ty: A hot black man who hates religion dips his toes into a cult scarred pizza face. Fast paced thriller! “Couldn’t put it down!” – Peggy Noonan.

Emily says that Ty likes to figure people out and he’s not afraid to say things other people would be. Like, I dunnow, going on ignorant rants about anyone who believes in God. Totally attractive. He returns the favor, and says that she is the kind of girl who doesn’t care what anyone says. Unless they’re her parents. Or her preacher. Or Jesus. Otherwise she can totally take it. She’s impressed with how much he “gets” her.

Oh God please say you love me. Pleeeeease.

That whole thing was like going to a ten dollar psychic. Let’s move on. Blondie and Dorkus stand in front of a mirror, dressed in black and complimenting each other’s looks. Dorkus plans on wooing Blondie, and suggests that they date in the house but be freebirds when they leave. Man, even virgins are dicks.

That said, I think his plan is best for everyone.

The roomies go out to a club and grind up all over each other, cuz it’s TRADITION. Emily comes over to Dorkus and slurs “Do you thing Ty’z gomin ondo meeee?” Nathan says yes and she should black out and then let him have sex with her. She agrees, as long as he agrees to put the moves on Blondie. There is so much potential pain ahead. YAAAY! Meanwhile, BiGuy is trying to prove how bi he is by making out with Odrama, who’s the manliest girl in the house. Just in case you want details…

Rocker Chick says that since those two made out, Emily can make out with Ty, which they do. Later, she takes him outside and suggests that they go home and…not bang, but “do other things?” He is grossed out by that, which is confusing. What red blooded male says “EW” to a blowjob? I mean really. The youth of today. So, shot down, Emily giggles, goes back inside, and uses the oldest trick in the book. She starts grinding on some other guy to make Ty jealous. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This show should be on Animal Planet.

Rocker (I suppose her name should be Future Failure Singer Songwriter Chick, but frankly I’m too lazy to type that out) Chick runs up to Ty and tells him Em’s getting face sucked right there on the dance floor. Not only is she with another guy, she’s picked the whitest guy within miles. He looks like Wally Cleaver.

Wally, meet Beav.

Ty is big about it, and writes a long poem for her to reflect on. No, no he doesn’t. He decides to make her jealous back by sitting outside the girls room and offering himself up as a butt dryer.

And then, with her butt now dry and fresh, his ho gets super sloppy.

Emily sees this from across the dance floor and boos. HAHAH. She tells her friends that Ty’s gross and she can’t believe she kissed him. Uh, shut up and stop breathing on me with your Wally Cleaver breath, skank! Ty confronts her, and she says that he’s the one being slutty and he won’t admit that he likes her. He argues that he won’t tell her that because she’ll start to ignore him, what with her “anyone who loves me is trying to buy the cow” thing. Then she slurs that saying you like someone is different than saying you love them. Which is true…I guess? I don’t know. As often happens when I fill in on The Real World, I find myself typing a lot and don’t really understand why.

Point is, he tries to make up with her and she can’t get over is butt wiping duties. Now on the way home, Dorkus is trying to mack on Blondie, but she’ll only fist bump him. HAHAH. He’s offended that she wants to be just friends, which is sad. I half expected him to stop in the middle of the street and yell “you’re my diiiiiiiiick!”

BiGuy and Odrama cuddle in bed and Odrama wants to talk about bisexuality. He gives her the whole “obsessed with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang as a child and also penis” story, and then tells her his boyfriend is coming into town soon. BF is a hot jock that runs track, and Odrama is really sad to hear this news. “He can run away from you, but I can’t. We’re stuck in a room together.” AW! Then she looks off into the distance all dewy eyed. I’ve been rejected by lots of cute-ish gay guys, so I know what she’s feeling right now.

The eyebrows were your DANGER sign, but you didn’t listen.

The next day, I think, the roomies are invited to a block party. Then, they all board a bus and make their way to a party boat to watch fire works. BiGuy cuddles with Odrama while staring at our largest National phallic symbol, which is really fitting. Hug the girl with eyes on the peen.

Meanwhile, Dorkus tries to cuddle up with Blondie. He’s still feeling dejected, and he’s still wearing the main reason for it: his personality his panda hat. He mentions his ex, and Blondie is shocked that he’d ever had a girlfriend in the first place. Rude and LOL. She asks why they broke up and he says she found someone better and cheated on him. Blondie gives him a pep talk. “She’s probably lost her douchebag and look at you! You’re on a boat watching fireworks with cool people!” I’m proud of her for not adding “that won’t make out with you.” He gets sad and looks deeply into her eyes.

The answer’s still no, Panda Express.

And now the Real World cast fulfills another one of their contractual duties. Food fight! FF. Dorkus tries to get Blondie to stand there and watch fireworks romantically with him, and she refuses with a big shit eating grin that says “oh shit now I’m stuck with this guy. I’m never getting laid.” I feel bad for the both of them.

Later at home, Ty wants Emily to snuggle with him but she won’t, because she’s stubborn and doesn’t do anything she’s told cuz she’s a cult rebel and has issues with authority. YAWN. I’m missing the Scraper from Brooklyn right about now. Ty tells us it turns him on to hear no. Yay rape! This is a totally romantic season you guys. He follows her to her room and gets into her bed. Emily tells us that Ty’s just a plaything to her. Riiiiight.

The next day, Dorkus goes over the rules of grinding in a dance club. He likes it face to face. The other roomies are as bored with this as we are, so they start giving Ty shit for sleeping with Emily. Meanwhile, Emily talks to a friend (mom? Aunt?) about how she’s totally not obsessing over Ty. And she not obsesses for a long time and it’s totally unbelievable.

That night, the roomies plan on going to a gay club, which means Dorkus puts on his panda hat and lets the girls apply a full face of makeup on him. He’s sad to learn that he’s not a cute girl, either. In the diary room, he says that he really needs to make his move on Blondie soon. LOLOLLL. What have you been doing, fool? Let it go!!

Gay bar. BiGuy gets super nervous so he grinds on Odrama for most of the night. Eventually, he is ripped away by Emily and introduced to a nerdy guy who just came out of the closet, too. It’s obvious, cuz he’s wearing horizontal stripes and pleated Dockers shorts, which are no longer allowed in the gay community.

Odrama looks on and tries not to cry. Come on, sister. There are plenty of gay guys here to waste your emotions on! Get to fishin!

BiGuy likes his new cracker, whose name is Robbie, so he takes him home. And tops him on the pool table. Good lord! We get it you guys. You came out. Could you maybe be loud and proud in, I dunno, A BEDROOM ?

This ain’t a truck stop.

Odrama watches on as she brushes her teeth and mutters to herself about how “not cute” Robbie is. Alas, he has a penis. Ty and Emily are in another room in different beds giggling and flirting, refusing to get into bed with each other. Then they talk about the reasons they are not having sex yet and how they’re both strong and independent and FF I can’t take any more of that crap.

Dorkus wanders shirtless into the kitchen, where Blondie’s having a late night binge. Dude, Dorkus works out!!

Drop the plastic glasses, the panda hat, shirts, and talking. You’ll have a huge chance.

He tries (of course) to get Blondie into bed with him, but she’s already got a date. And she will be swallowing.

Those crackers love classical music and long walks on the beach. Do them!

As Dorkus goes back up the stairs, he says “brush your teeth, honey!” LOL. Blondie tells us that she looks at Dorkus like her brother, who she hasn’t made out with since she hit puberty and realized it was wrong. Dorkus says he can’t be rejected any more so fuck Blondie. He goes to bed with his stuffed animal instead. Seriously.

The next morning, the girls talk about how flattering gay guys are. BiGuy insists that he only had a makeout session and a handjob with Dockers guy, cuz he’s no ho. Later, Odrama talks to Ty about how she’s totally not into Bi. Ty’s not buyin it. She keeps trying to convince him, but I’ve got a picture of her with toothpaste running down her chin as she stalks Bi to prove this is all bs.

I mean really. Pleated Dockers shorts?

The next day, or month or year, BiGuy goes to an interview with The Human Rights Campaign to get an internship for the summer. He’s nervous in his interview and stutters a lot and doesn’t make any sentences. When he warms up, though, he talks about being gay and Christian and says that his family is cool with his Biness. I can’t believe he didn’t ask for the boss’ autograph, cuz she used to play Darlene on Roseanne.

That night, the boys get ready to go out. Rocker Guy tells us how psyched he is to have a “Guys Night.” He says this, of course, as he applies eyeliner.

Nathan tells us that he’s decided he and Blondie will just be friends. HA. You decided that, did you? I hope you let her down easy there, stud. As he walks with the guys down the sidewalk, electric guitars blare and he says “no A cups tonight!” LOL. Once they are at the club, Nathan announces that he’s gonna find a girl “to tackle”, and then he learns a very important lesson. He may not have much, but there is one weapon he’s in possession of that no bar skank can resist: A CAMERA CREW. Soon, girls are falling all over him, and he’s picked the one that looks as much like Blondie as possible: some hooker named Krystal.

Your wallet’s so gonna be gone by morning.

Back at home, the girls giggle while Emily talks about how she doesn’t wanna be vulnerable. Ugh. I don’t want you to be so annoying. Can we maybe meet somewhere in the middle? The boys come home with skanks. Blondie is offended that Dorkus shows up with her twin. Shut up Blondie! You said you could never make out with your brother! And damn, Krystal isn’t too cute in the bright lights of the diary room.

L

O

L

While Krystal drools down her chin in the diary room, her poor friend is stuck in the den with the rest of the girl roommates, who tell her that she’ll be naked by the end of the night and they’re totally judging her.

H…h…help?

Hot tub! The girls gather round the monitor and watch Dorkus make out with Sally O’Malley. The friend leaves uncomfortably as Dorkus gets out of the hot tub (with a raging boner) and moves the action upstairs. The girls come to the door and spy, and Sally O’Malley tells them to go to bed. Rocker Chick starts to get all offended, but Ty makes them go to bed and stop cock blocking. By the time the lady of the night is gone in the morning, Dorkus looks like this.

The itching won’t stoooooop!

He’s mad that the girls were so rude, but they make fun of him and don’t back down. His only argument is “I don’t get laid, guys.” HAHAHAH. I’m with him. The girls are jerks. Odrama is trying to bang the gay guy and Blondie can’t stop thinking about making out with her brother. In the end, Dorkus forgives them and moves on, cuz really what’s he gonna do? It’s only episode two. By seven or eight he’ll probably pull a wacky prank or something, but you can’t blow your load in two weeks.

Emily’s sister comes to visit, and she looks exactly like Emily. Emily says that she’s totally attracted to Ty cuz he was locked in a closet as a child. Sis asks who’s bi, and she says BiGuy and her. Sis is shocked. Way to come out with your fake Biness on national tv! Emily is sad that her sister is so uncomfortable. How should she be? Good lord, woman! You just told her you want to bang a giant muscle head who was locked in a closet and you’re bi. Give her a minute.

Later, BiGuy and Odrama talk about her jealousy. And eye boogars start to form in the corners of my eyes. Back to Emily. She’s in the diary room, telling us how stressed she is that she came out of the fake closet to her sister and her sister isn’t happy for her. Emily’s a selfish idiot. Her sister wasn’t mean at all. If anything, she should have firmly said “listen you needy little sociopath. Being a fake bisexual isn’t a substitute for having an actual personality.” Emily fake cries to Ty about it, and then they jump into bed to bang.

I will never love you. Yeah baby. That’s right.

The next morning, Dorkus tells her “so, Emily, now that you’ve had the bull, do you want the young calf?” LOL. Love that guy.