Real World: Girl Fight

This week, the Real World Sydney was all about man stealing drama! It also showed us different sides to the roomies, and multi-dimensional is always an ambitious way to go on a reality show. It worked though, I just wrote the longest recap ever agreeing with Cow and Trasha, and trashing Parisa. Grab a drink, you’re so gonna need it for this one.

We start off with Cow and Isaac stationed at their post in the kitchen, but this time, there’s action! Get ready for this one…the roommates think Cow is doing it with KA! Isaac calls him a lucky bastard, but Cow says whatever is happening, he’s not going to broadcast it. Isaac is confused. When he did that random Irish girl that one time, there was talk of a parade.

Well, I’m still on this Cow – KA thing, you can’t just drop that information and move on, but when I see what we’re moving on to, I’m consoled. Trasha’s calling Jarrod, her boyfriend back home who she has evil, sinful sex with. Apparently, Trash had sent Jarrod an email telling him about her attraction to Alex, who’s been hanging out at the house every night. Every night means the perfect opportunity for an Alex wardrobe montage – an opportunity that the production team seems to have missed.

Let me guess…dress shoes with no socks?

After having passively dealt with telling Jarrod she wants to cheat on him by sending an email, she runs to the phone to do damage control. I’m not sure if Jarrod is dumb or just whipped, but either way, he could not be more trusting of Trasha. She assures him that although Alex is over the house every night, and although they’re already done their “flirtatious bit”, Jarrod has nothing to worry about.

She tells Shauvon as they do the dishes (all wineglasses, by the way, loves it) that she’s attracted to Alex, but in love with Jarrod. Then she bitches that, what, she’s not allowed to hang out with any hot guys for the rest of her life because she has a boyfriend? First of all, is Alex a hot guy? But beyond that, I see the conundrum. Trasha’s a ho, but she can’t be one outwardly, cause she’s a Christian. So, she compromises by having one monogamous sexual relationship. Which works when Jarrod is around all the time, but in the land of temptation…hello, Alex and we have a problem.

Alex comes over that night, and hey, no better way to sort out those complicated I’m-so-in-love-but-I’m-still-attracted-to-other-people issues than snuggling up with the object of temptation and checking out a photo album of you and your boyfriend. That should illuminate everything. But it doesn’t, and Trasha buries her head in Alex’s chest moaning “I’m so confused!”

Later as Alex is innocently walking by Parisa’s room, she drags him into her midwestern housewife style wardrobe crisis. She asks him what she thinks of her outfit – drab olive tank, and mom jeans. You don’t look bad at all, he says, cause Parisa’s the kind of insecure girl you get by making her think she’s not good enough for you – and also, as we’ll see later, this is Alex’s game. “What would you do differently?” she presses him. Alex suggests a mini-skirt. Things are still unclear with Trasha’s status, and hey, if you gotta go for sloppy seconds, may as well tart them up as much as possible.

You should wear a t-shirt and a blazer.

Parisa tells us she’s “trying to read Alex”. Read into Alex, is more like it. You only got him in your room cause you dragged him in, and he’s only still standing there cause Trasha’s right outside getting jealous. Parisa tells Alex that if he fucks with her, she’ll call him on it. And that he doesn’t have to be witty all the time. Wow, does Parisa know what to say to land a man, or what? Shauvon is sitting there the whole time, and she can’t believe what she’s hearing either.

The group, minus Trasha, sits outside at their little picnic table where they hang out, and Dumby declares that Alex wouldn’t have made it to first base with Trasha in the States. Oh Dumby, how juvenile to measure sexual prowess with Little League analogies. What is first base anyway? I personally wouldn’t know, I’ve been hitting homers for years.

Anyway, I disagree. I think Alex would get plenty of action in the States. He’s cute enough, plus he has an accent. And he knows how to pretend to be romantic. But Parisa is thrilled with the insult. Can’t get to “first” with a hottie like Trasha? Well, Alex would do well with a girl like me, she states. That’s right honey, second tier ass like yours.

I am going to say now, I don’t know what bothers me more about Parisa today, her ridiculously pathetic boy stealing maneuvers, or her twisted insecurity. If there’s a spark, I don’t want to ignore it, she reasons. The only spark is the one shorting out the circuit in the ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ part of her brain.

That night, Alex leaves a love poem for both Trasha and Parisa. Hope the production assistant who suggested that little scam got a nice bonus in their paycheck. Parisa dissolves into giggles when telling us about hers. Parisa seems like an old soul in a lot of ways, but I think when it comes to guys, she is emotionally stunted. It would not surprise me in the least to learn that she’s never had a boyfriend or sex.

Parisa lies on the bed with Shauvon and Cow and talks about how deep and meaningful the poem was. When Trasha gets hers, she glances at it, comments “cute poem”, and rolls over in bed. Trasha, honey, is that a ray of hope I see for you, or just an errant blond highlight in the black part of your hair?

A twenty would have been sweeter.

Later that day, Ky and Alex call to invite Shauvon and Trasha out to lunch. Trasha makes a point to invite KA, so that she won’t be tempted with Alex, and then makes a point of telling Parisa that if her boyfriend calls, not to tell him that she’s out with another guy. In other words…Trasha’s got two dudes, and Parisa has none. Get it, frumpy?

Parisa insists that there’s no competition between her and Trasha because Trasha has a boyfriend. No dear, there’s no competition because…well, just cause there’s no competition. I don’t like Trash, but she’s got Parisa beat before this game even begins. Hottier, ho-ier, and she has both brunette and blonde hair, and what guy doesn’t like options?

Just for good measure, Trasha mentions that Alex wrote her a poem. “He wrote me a poem too!” cries Parisa. Trasha is thrown. “It was a horoscope…and a love note”, Parisa demurs. But Trasha rebounds quickly. “Mine was short and sweet – about how much he likes me and the thrill he has each day to see me,” she says smugly. Parisa throws up her hands with an “ugh” at this one. See Trasha, there is an application for bitchy intimidation that is both practical and fabulous. Well played, sweetie.

As they head out to lunch, Trasha can’t wait to dish to Shauvon and KA about the dual love poems. And KA leaps to the defense of Parisa! KA says that Trasha needs to back off and realize that she has a boyfriend. Well, that was unexpected! Hey, KA, remember that time you were rubbing all over Dumby in the hot tub while Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie was back at Ol’ Miss scrap-booking their relationship?

Over lunch, Trasha busts Alex for writing a poem to both her and Parisa. I wrote hers first, Alex offhandedly comments. Trasha falls right into the trap. “Oh, so she was before me?” she snaps back. Well, I had to warm up with her, I couldn’t just write yours first, Alex appeases her with. I’m so confused. Who’s playing who here?

Shauvon says she doesn’t blame Trasha for feeling the way she does about Alex. Even though she has a boyfriend, “that’s just the way girls are”. Alex is Trasha’s toy, and she can play with him if she wants and if she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t have to share him with anyone else.

That night, Alex is baaaaaack. We see him talking to Parisa, and she mentions that she sees more of a “responsiveness” from Alex. Honey, when you have to chase him for respons….oh, I can’t. This girl is too pathetic and stupid. I literally have my head in my hands by this point.

He rang the door bell. I think he loves me!

Trasha comes over to tell Alex, not Parisa, that they’re going to (where else?) Cargo Bar. But Parisa’s got some “responsiveness” and she’s not about to let that go, so she tags along as well. As she and Alex walk along, she tells him that Trasha was pissed about the twin love poems. She laughs about it. I see, she’s playing the cool one, and letting him think Trasha’s the jealous one. Or in other words, letting Alex know his little scheme is totally working.

Parisa says that what she’s getting from Alex is that he’s not into Trasha romantically, only hangs out with her as a friend, and that he “really enjoys talking” to Parisa. He likes talking to you, does he? Well, if that’s not a signal for full steam ahead man stealing, I don’t know what is. You guys should totally sneak off to the club’s bathroom and bang whisper secrets to each other.

At Cargo Bar, first we see KA talking to a couple of people about accents (theirs, hers, who knows, it’s dumb bar conversation) and a second later we see her crying to Shauvon and Cow about two guys fighting over her, and how awful, just AWFUL it is. I’m sorry, did I miss something here? Oh well, guess KA was just having a boring night out and needed to create a little drama, and it’s only natural that two men would be fighting over her, on account of how cute she is, so whatever. Cow leaps into action and defends his sweet virgin KA’s honor.

Back at the house, KA is still moping about the awful, imaginary fight over her, and Cow calls her on it. Girls love it when guys fight over them, end of story, he tells KA firmly, but still holding her hand, which I do kind of like. KA looks like she’s part mad that she got called out, and part happy about it. I would have left it at that, but Cow says that KA’s different than other girls, and she deserves something real special. Oh, that sounds so dirty. Keep going, Country.

He does, and tells her she needs a man, and not a damn boy. I like it! But then he tells her that he’ll be her knight in shining armor and he’ll give her a fairy tale. My first instinct is to roll my eyes and be all cynical about it, but I don’t know, Cow can kind of sell it.

Then MTV tortures us with what seems like ten minutes of The Mall World. Can someone please bring back Road Rules already when American Eagle Outfitters can do their branding and product placement with prizes for climbing a mountain and then bungeeing down to a tiny trampoline? Or at least hire someone to write less mind numbingly stupid mall banter.

Next morning, as KA recovers from the drama of two guys fighting over her, and the knight in shining armour fantasy sex she had all night with Cow, she calls her friend Leslie back in Texas and learns that her sort of boyfriend, Sutton, who she was admittedly on a break with, was seen with another girl over the weekend! Seen with his arm around her, hugging her and dancing with her. Any back scratching involved? It’s not mentioned.

Wait there. Parisa has a poem she’d like to put to music! It’s called “Let’s Talk. Yowsa”

KA is furious. She slams down the phone and storms off in a huff. She whines to Cow about it, and how she doesn’t deserve to be cheated on, and a bunch of other stuff that doesn’t make much sense, considering a) her and Sutton are on a break, and b) whatever she’s doing with Cow, I can assure you, it’s not so innocent.

Cow smacks down all her dopey arguments, with the final one being KA whimpering about Sutton that “if you love someone you don’t want to be with someone else”, Cow telling her that if you love someone, you don’t want to take time apart, KA quickly retorting that she DOESN’T love him, and Cow asking her, then why are you so damn upset? And country wisdom joins bitchy intimidation as good ways to win arguments.

That night, two blokes show up at the door, one in a fluorescent green t-shirt, and one in a bright gold polo with the collar up, which is how I know they’re Aussies…but the caption adds their they’re Trasha’s friends! Oh, this game is getting GOOD! She introduces them to the roomies, including Alex, who just happens to be standing around. Well, we’re going to Cargo Bar, Trasha breezily informs the group. It’s masterful. I reserve the right to start hating her again whenever I feel like it, but for today…Trasha is so fucking fabulous.

What, you thought you were the only cheeseball in this town who talks funny?

Alex stands around looking lost while Parisa, Shauvon and Ky eat. He is so played and he knows it. He’s not eating because he just finished a big dinner, and really only came over to play flirting games with Trash, but Parisa tells him to just eat at their house every night! She says that she’s not sure if he’s fair game or not, but he’s a human being and he can decide for himself what he likes. He already did, sweetie. That’s why he came home with her in the first place. You’re just a means, and backup. I would feel sorry for Parisa, but I’ve got nothing for this pathetic delusion.

They lay on the couch, Parisa in a yellow button down shirt – actually, the same ugly yellow polo that one of the badly dressed Aussie boys was wearing. Could this girl possibly have any less idea how to steal a man? If I were running this game, not that I ever would, but hey, never say never, you can bet your ass I’d be prancing around in a bikini and heels and starting a hot tub party. Alex has his head safely cushioned on pillow so he’s not really in Parisa’s lap. Can you feel the lust?

Parisa and Shauvon bid their dates good night, and holy crap, Ky takes the wardrobe prize for the night…remember Dumby’s cut out v-neck shirt from Gay Mardi Gras? Well, that’s Ky’s dinner date with Shauvon shirt, only in pink. They say goodbye, and make plans to do dinner the next night. Get home safely, chuckles frumpy Parisa, as she heads back inside to clean out Marge’s casserole dish before she returns it.

KA meets up with them in the kitchen in another one of her just plain adorable phrasey t-shirts and wants to know how it went. Parisa thinks Alex is so cute. Trasha struts back in with her two dates (now that’s Trasha four, Parisa still zero, or negative zero on account of all the fruitless boy chasing), and Parisa happily informs her that she spent the evening hanging out with Alex.

Trasha tells us that Parisa doesn’t understand girl code. She explains. Much like when a dog pees on a fire hydrant, it’s marking its territory, when a girl brings a boy home, he’s her territory. Well, first of all, I don’t want to share a code with Trasha, and second of all I don’t want to have a code that insinuates that I behave like a dog.

So I’m not blindly subscribing to some random Girl Code, but let me say this: If someone else’s guy starts chasing after you, then he’s fair game. It’s not your problem if some other girl can’t hold her man. Of course, you reap what you sow if said guy is obtained by any shady means, cause he’ll only do the same to thing to you. But back to the code, if there’s no clear sign that the other girl’s guy really wants you (and by clear sign, he needs to really tell you – “We have deep and meaningful conversation” doesn’t count) then stay away and don’t start trouble. That means you, Parisa.

The next day, Shauvon talks to Ky, who tells her that Alex is upset with Trasha – you don’t just invite someone over, then leave to hang out with other guys. Oh, Alex didn’t like that does of his own medicine, did he? Well, he had Parisa, Trasha replies flippantly when Shauvon reports back to her. Trasha tells KA that Parisa’s games don’t bother her, but they do. She tells the confessional that Parisa is free to go after Alex if she wants, but to watch herself. I would. Trasha is a player.

We next find the roomies conferring in the kitchen, which means Isaac and Cow are involved. They are telling Trasha that basically, she has no hold over Alex, and she is, effectively cheating on Jarrod. So, lose-lose for Trasha. And they’re right. But so far, she’s managing to pull it all off, play everyone successfully and even found a legitimate reason to hate Parisa in it. So be right all you want, boys, Trasha’s having her cake, eating her cake, and licking the frosting off her fingers, too.

That night, out with Alex, Trasha flat out asks him if he’s interested in Parisa, and he flat out tells her no. Then, cause he doesn’t like how the conversation is going, he randomly changes the topic to calling Trasha a “six or seven” in her looks. Like a dog who’s been toying with her master who gets tired of being toyed with so he throws a bone over yonder…Trasha goes fetch. She sits there looking deflated at the insult.

That is soooo not what Jesus would do.

And she doesn’t let it go. Later, as she, Alex, Shauvon and Ky drunkenly lounge around outside the club (which was NOT Cargo, by way) Shauvon laughs at Trasha’s predicament. Then Ky tells her she’s a six too, and ohhhhh, suddenly, not so funny anymore. That is ridiculous, yells Trasha, Shauvon’s at least an EIGHT! Shauvon shoots her a death look. Bitchy, competitive girls, I love you, I’m so happy to not be friends with you, but I love you.

Shauvon takes off, while Ky stands by in another v-neck shirt. When she gets home, her and Trasha recount the conversation to KA and Cow. Cow calls them out for it, saying a confident woman would never even ask. More country wisdom. He’s right, and KA just listens. You can tell she was totally going to ask what her number was, but thought better of it.

Cow says Trash and Shauvon rub him wrong, and material things don’t matter. What matters is taking this life changing time on another continent, and using it to swing around in a hammock in your house, have sex or maybe not have sex with a girl with a boyfriend back in Texas and manipulate your belief in God into intolerance toward people different than you. OK fine, and to disperse expository country wisdom. There, now you matter.

Next day, Shauvon and Parisa are doing lunch. Shauvon is still carrying on about being called a six. Parisa predictably scoffs, conveniently forgetting how appalled she was when Dumby called her “interesting” over pretty, and how she protested that in NY, she turned heads. Oh, I remember most everything, dolls. Except that Parisa went to NYU and not Columbia and that Cow builds log houses. See, I read comments.

So of course Parisa loftily tells the camera that she knows Shauvon isn’t a shallow girl (oh, Shauvon’s SUCH a shallow girl, that’s one of the things I really like about her) so she doesn’t understand why she’d be so upset about the opinions of two drunk guys. She continues to act shocked and appalled at Shauvon’s hurt feelings.

We cut to Isaac and KA walking down the street, and Isaac is proclaiming about how he said from the beginning not to have sex with any of the roommates. Oh he did now, did he? I remember how back on Day One, all he could talk about was how he was going to get Shauvon and her huge tatters (sorry, I miss Flasher). But since Shauvon prefers camera whore Aussies who dress gay, Trasha’s got enough men problems, KA’s signed up for Cow duty, and Parisa…well, please – I guess “not hooking up with roommates” is Isaac’s story and he’s sticking to it.

KA says she knows, but isn’t it better to do it with someone that you know and like, even if they are a roommate then with a stranger. And at this, Isaac agrees. They seem to have a big brother, little sister thing going, it’s cute.

Back at the house, Parisa is decked out in a frock from the Dress Barn, and continues with her man-eating ways by dragging Alex outside for some more deep talk. She’s an optimist, but a romantic realist, she tells him. Hey, is delusionist a word? Cause she’s really that. She tells us how confused she is, she sees that there is a relationship with Trasha, but at the same time, she wants to seize the day. How is chasing after a guy who is clearly not interested in you seizing the day? It’s wasting your time, desperado.

Is it time for the Annual Junior League Ice Cream Social again already?

They sit there telling each other “you never know what’s gonna happen” and then for some reason, Alex kisses Parisa. Parisa reacts very coolly, by laughing hysterically and yelling, “Oh, Lord!” Isaac weighs in on Team Parisa vs. Team Trasha, and decides that Team Drunk Girl is who will win Alex.

KA watches the whole thing, and then reports back to Cow. Parisa corners KA and tells her she needs to talk to her! About…that, she says dramatically, pointing at Alex, as though this wasn’t what she was begging, begging, begging for all along.

KA flat out tells Parisa, “That’s YOUR guy!” What show is she watching? Yeah, Trasha has a boyfriend, but that’s her problem to deal with. And I’m 99% sure it was that same sneaky production assistant that made Alex write the dual love notes, who made him kiss Parisa in her Sally from Duluth dress.

Cow, who I’m now back to talking shit on, tells us poor Alex, getting caught in all this girl on girl henhouse drama. Hey, no one held a gun to “poor Alex” ‘s head and made him write love letters to two girls in the house. Oh wait, that sneaky production assistant might have. So, awwww. Poor Alex. Cow’s right, all women are henhouse drama.

And now it’s Trasha’s turn to make out with Alex! First he kisses Parisa (who may not be the most experienced, but desperate people are awesome in bed, they’ll do anything) and now Trasha, the blond hottie. POOR ALEX!

Shauvon tells us it’s awkward. She tries to diffuse that by running to Parisa’s room and tattling that Trasha too kissed Alex. Parisa tries to act like she doesn’t care, but of course that fool can’t pull it off and two seconds later she’s chasing Alex through the house berating him for telling her to be optimistic about people. Shauvon asks her if she wants to get slapped, she can’t believe Parisa is this pathetic.

Parisa asks Alex if he wants to say goodnight to “her” (meaning Trasha), and he says that he thinks “she” (meaning Trasha) is passed out. Trasha is indeed stewing in her bed.

Parisa And Alex Say Goodnight

An Ode To Desperation

ALEX: (mumbling, trying like hell to get out of there) I’ll get your number.

PARISA: (desperately) I don’t have yours. She has yours. So….

ALEX: (Silence.)

PARISA: (desperately) I could ask her for yours?

ALEX: Yeah! (Enthusiastically, because you know all hell will break loose and at the end of it, one of these girls will have to have sex with you)

PARISA: (desperately) I’m sure it will work out…ok…at some point.

ALEX, recalling the threats of the sneaky PA, kisses PARISA again.

They say goodnight, and Alex oddly jumps two steps back out of the house. Parisa walks back into the house, lost in her delusional daydream. Trasha is still upstairs, looking hateful in her bed. This was the best episode of the Real World I’ve seen in a long tme.

Wow. What did Shauvon do to piss off this camera man?

Next week, it’s the week that Parisa finally speaks her mind, and whatever it is that she’s got to say comes out in a way that that MTV totally bleeped out for, like ten seconds! Ohhhh, a woman scorned…and Shauvon has some kind of fit as well, and it looks like she throws a grilled cheese? I can’t wait. See you then!