Real World: Hollywood

It’s the Real World Hollywood, baby! We open up with dramatic music, shots of people like Hugh Hefner, and John Mayer…and then cut to a bunch of people screaming in their houses as they hear the news that they’re going to be on the next season of the Real World! Everybody wants to be a star…

How could they not cast a girl who dresses to match her couch?

We don’t immediately go into any details about these peasants (keep reading to find out where the hell I came up with that one!), but we do for Greg, the internet winner. Did you know that one person got cast from internet voting? And it only takes three seconds of camera time with Greg for me to wonder who the fuck voted for him. Is it the same people who Danny and Melinda keep referring to as “fans”? He informs us straight away that America has chosen him because he is very attractive, a claim he backs up by rubbing Crisco all over his chest and then humping his way toward the camera in a pair of baggy white sweats. I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I am super turned on. “I’m definitely going to try and sell myself while I’m here,” he tells us. “Not like that,” he adds, though quickly at the end.

I’m keeping my receipt. I have a feeling I will be taking this back.

We hear a shrill blond girl tell us that she wants to be on TV. Then, an earnest looking brunette says that she aspires to be a journalist. An albino looking girl tells us she will be famous for her singing. One guy wants to be a high fashion model, one wants to be an actor, and the last one gives us “film production and / or acting.” So, plain vanilla Real World pseudo-famous should be fine for him. What drives the dreadlocked dude is just his music. And then blondie tells us, “Bring it on Hollywood! I’m ready!”

Not with that haircut you’re not.

We see the intro, and then it’s time for the sights and sounds of this years location, Hollywood! (California!) So we kick it off with sights of the ocean, which is nowhere near Hollywood. Oh, okay, now we’re seeing freeway which is definitely Hollywood. Bumper to bumper? Dolls, we have arrived!

The first guy we meet is this year’s big lug, named Joey, age 24, from Chicago. I shall call him Meathead. Meathead is in LA to become an actor. With his spiky hair and tough guy accent, it is clear that Meathead has been classically trained in the Stanislavski method, and will be pursuing work on Masterpiece Theater.

Sense, Sensibility, and Lots o’ Hair Product

Meathead knows that a lot of people move to LA to become actors, but he also has lots of confidence in himself, and a fabulously, articulate argument to anyone who thinks otherwise – “Fuck ‘em.” That’s the spirit, tiger! Meathead’s audition tape consisted of him pumping iron. He also gives us a tour of his diet, which is eggs, tuna and protein powder. What I’m loving about Meathead so far is that he seems so darn multi-dimensional.

The next person we meet dragging their suitcase along Sunset Plaza (ugh, how embarrassing) is Kimberly. Kimberly’s twenty-four, from South Carolina, and wants to be an entertainment news reporter, she ticks off to us breathlessly. When did entertainment news reporter become a legit profession? Are they dissecting Star magazine in journalism school nowadays? Well, they should be!

Kimberly’s cute from some angles, but overall she reminds me of Pumkin, that super skank who ran around naked all the time of Flavor of Love. Her dream job is to report on Lindsay Lohan’s trips to jail. Dream big, sweetheart.

Meathead and Blondie meet up at Mel’s Drive in – good down home cooking, but the least fabulous of all the locales on the Plaza. Like all Real Worlders in all cities before them, they are doomed to socialize only at the biggest tourist traps in town.

“So, what do you do for a living?” Meathead asks Blondie, not cause he cares, just because he wants to tell her what he does. Turns out she’s a bartender. Thank goodness. There aren’t nearly enough girls taking breaks from their small town bartending gigs to be on reality TV. And you, she queries back politely. “I’m a personal trainer,” he tells her proudly, one eye glancing up from some serious map reading. Blondie seems excited, yet surprised at Meathead’s chosen profession. The surprise has offended Meathead and his big muscles. “What, you couldn’t tell?” he asks her, clearly miffed.

Where’s Disneyland?

But Blondie thinks Meathead is very friendly and very nice. Meathead thinks Blondie is beautiful and sweet. They are fetched by a driver in a straw cowboy hat and a flame-painted button down shirt, who drives them down Sunset Blvd. to their new house. He points out the Chateau Marmont along the way. “That’s where Lindsay Lohan hangs out!” Blondie screeches excitedly. It’s also where they have a desert called The Welcome To Hollywood Cake. Flourless chocolate, covered in lines of powdered sugar, and served on a mirror. Blondie is an E! True Hollywood Story just waiting to happen, and so far, that’s what I’m liking about her.

Blondie wants to know if Meathead’s ever been to LA. Nope, never has. In fact, Meathead hasn’t been anywhere, ever! “You’re kidding!” says Blondie incredulously, with all the shock of a true world traveler, who has no doubt just jetted to Colombia, South Carolina from Capri.

Next, we meet Dave, twenty-two, from Pennsylvania, who besides seeking generic reality show fame, doesn’t know what he wants to do in Hollywood. He does know he excels at baseball, track, snowboard, surf, wakeboard, and oh, how are awesome are you Dave, let us count the ways! And he does, telling us that everything he picks up, he’s good at. To solve this crazy conundrum of life, Dave’s looking for something that he’s extraordinary at. Well, you’re pretty good at acting like a bloviated jackass on cable.

You think that might be something you’d want to look into long term?

Anyway, Dave strolls around Venice beach (again, nowhere near Hollywood, but if I’m going to be sitting here pointing out falsities and inaccuracies, well, I may as well be watching The Hills), and then we meet Sarah, sitting on a bench. Sarah’s a good-goody from Arizona, who just graduated Arizona State, only the biggest party school in the land, at age twenty. Which tells me she obviously didn’t do college right. I bet you a hundred dollars Sarah’s a pageant girl, cause her chosen career path is broadcast journalism. We see a couple of clips of Sarah at her campus radio news station, interestingly entitled the “Cronkite Newsroom”. All the hard hitting news stories are coming out of Arizona State, you know.

“Fine place for a girl and a suitcase,” is Dave’s droll pickup like to Sarah. Sarah thinks Dave is the football player type. He thinks she’s sweet, and obviously an overachiever, what with the whole graduating college at twenty thing. They get in the car, and it only takes Sarah a minute or so to bring her boyfriend into the conversation. Dave wants to know if it’s a serious relationship. Sarah pauses for a moment, and then says the boyfriend has recently moved to New York. So it’s a long distance thing? “You’re definitely not going home in a relationship!” Dave advises her. Sarah just laughs, cause really, everyone knows going to the Real World house is just a passive aggressive way to end your relationship.

We’re taking a commercial break.

Meanwhile, in her casting video, Sarah’s boyfriend whips off his wire rimmed glasses, gets in our faces and warns the world that if any of the roommates do anything with his girl, he’s going to hunt them down and kick their ass. I would love to see this Doogie looking nerd throw down with Meathead. Please let him Sarah’s first drunken house hookup.

And over on Hollywood Blvd., we meet Will, who does some break dancing moves on the sidewalk. Will is the dreadlocked “producer” – if you need a song, he makes it happen for you. Or if you’re innocently walking down Hollywood Blvd., and you want someone to shove their CD of crappy music in your face and then try and guilt you into making a “donation” to them, Will can make that happen too.

Will’s twenty-three, but he looks thirty-five. I think he might be handsome, but I just can’t tell under his Rick James wig. Then we hear some girly music about the ocean being as far as you can run away, and we meet who is sure to be our best candidate for this year’s Real World sponsored Emotional and Spiritual Journey. This is Briana, she’s twenty and from Philly.

Whitney Houston? Is that you?

I don’t know about Briana’s look. I’m pretty sure she’s one of those super light skinned black girls, so light that she looks white, and she’s got some serious issues with her hair. It’s cheap, plastic looking braids, and Sun-In orange. Briana wants to sing – that’s her main thing, she tells us.

Will meets Briana, and he likes her hair. He actually makes a point of saying that. So far, we have Meathead’s spikes, Blondie’s fried Supercut, Will’s Rick James wig and Briana’s orange, plastic weave. We have the worst season of Real World hair in history. Rick James packs up his boom box – 1983 chic, do you love it? – and he and Briana head to the house.

Rick and Briana quickly determine that they have dance in common – specifically hip-hop. Do I see a Breakin! style dance off in our future? Then we get the biggest news of the show – Briana made it to Top 45 of Season Five of American Idol! Sorry folks, all kidding aside, Top 45? That is a big deal. Plastic, orange hair and all, I don’t disrespect Idol. Ever.

Briana and Will tell us they’re connecting “like this”. Will’s single, he tells her in the car, and it turns out that as of last week, Briana is too! Oh, a relationship that just ended last week. Surely no baggage attached here. Also, I doubt we will be subject any late night, “this is so hard!”, sob filled phone calls from Briana.

So, we’ve got three separate groups headed toward the house, and the first to arrive is Blondie and Meathead! Blondie is so excited to just bust down the gates and get in the house, and something about her shrill, nasal voice just makes me want to shake her. Honey, you better get yourself a coke addiction and fast if there’s any hope of our relationship working.

That purse is very ho-llywood.

They walk in the house, and I guess it’s on a soundstage? It looks pretty cool, if a bit Big Brotherish, with astro-turf everywhere. “We have a gym!” Meathead discovers excitedly, and the rest of the house tour is forgotten while he plays with the new Bowflex.

Then they get inside, and it’s a multi-media dream, cameras and stuff everywhere. The rest of it’s typical Real World house, colorful and full of Ikea love. The next two to arrive are Rick James and Briana. “It’s very exciting to meet Will,” Blondie tells us, “I’ve never known someone from Detroit, or the…inner city before.” Translation: Will is Blondie’s first black person. She tells us she’s surprised someone “so cute and nice” could be from the ghetto. Blondie’s worldly sophistication is really starting to show.

He spoke English! WTF? The modern age, I tell ya.

And it’s been a busy day for Blondie, not only has she encountered her first an honest to God African American, but then Briana’s offering to teach her how to work the pole. See Blondie, I knew there was hope for you. And also, there’s a pole in the Real World house? Did they share casting sessions with Rock of Love?

Will and Meathead decide to share a room, and Briana and Blondie are sharing as well. They discuss their career aspirations. Blondie makes the mistake of referring to Will as a “singer”, but he smacks her down with the correction that he’s a producer. Careful Blondie, don’t upset the black guy. He’s urban, and you know how that goes.

Sarah and Dave pull onto the compound next. He’s ready. She’s soooo ready. They run into the house, and the four roommates already there descend on the new blood in a pack. They stand around, and talk about the new roommate, Greg, chosen from the internet.

Blondie thinks the concept of choosing a roomie online is “innovative and interesting”. But smarty-pants Sarah has already been online checking Greg out. His online name is “PretyBoy” – no, I didn’t spell it wrong, this jackass did it all by himself. And he calls women “associates”. This has already offended Sarah and her delicate sensibilities, and she does not feel like they’re going to hit it off. Bad blood before you’re even met? My kind of Real World feud.

And while the regular old casting department roomies were shuttled to the house in a cab and an old convertible, Prety shows up in a limo. He likes the extra attention of showing up last. The six roommates already there stand around in a cluster, offering their congratulations, and subtly acting like he’s not really one of them. “Are you excited?” one of them asks him, like he’s the newbie they’re the old pros. “A little bit,” he replies, baiting them all.

He earned this spot, bitches!

Sarah doesn’t like this answer at all. They’re all excited and jumping up and down, and Greg’s not, and Sarah’s bothered. How dare he not be jumping up and down when that’s what Sarah’s doing? He’s also not nervous. Blondie thinks that either he thinks he’s better than them, or he’s shy. It’s not shyness, but actually blazing insecurity that causes someone to act like Prety.

Super Dave has ever so kindly imported about ten bottles of cheap, well liquor from his frat house basement storage, and they all do a shot of something. Briana thinks they should all get naked and get in the pool. And she’s not even drunk yet! We have our house ho! Blondie dances around like an idiot in her bikini, and then Dave runs in the girls’ room and flashes them.

Some people get in the hot tub, but some people already have issues. Already. Surprise, surprise it’s goody-goody Sarah who can not wait one more moment to confront Prety about his referring to women as “associates”. Me, when I hear a dumb comment like this, I just do an eye-roll and an under the breath “ass”, but not our Sarah. She’s going to attack this affront to femininity head on.

While I’m reasonably sure the only reason Prety calls women “associates” is to irritate easily-affronted girls like Sarah, he just tells her that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. “Whatever,” she says with a laugh, when she really should have said, “I’m going to beat this one to death until you respect women!”

So she keeps bugging him about what he calls his girlfriends, and what he calls his guy friends, and shockingly enough, the dude who pimped himself out in an online contest to be on a TV show that he is now acting like he’s too good for, doesn’t like to have friends. Or the other way around. Whatever. Either way, it’s established that Prety’s a loner, and Sarah doesn’t like him. “I think you need friends!” Perky Sarah tells Prety. “I like my associates,” Prety tells her blandly.

Come on, loosen up. Incorporate.

Then it’s time to meet Briana’s ex-boyfriend, Bobby. Bobby treated her like dog crap. He cheated on her a bunch of times. But she’s still thought to bring the Bobby photo album, Volumes 1-4 for the rest of the roomies to see. Oh wait, it’s cause he’s still the love of her life. Sorry, I didn’t realize. Carry on.

Also in Briana’s suitcase is a pair of stripper shoes! Actually, they’re like stripper lace up boots. “You’re a….exotic dancer?” one of the guys asks, trying to strike the perfect balance of mind numbing excitement and political correctness. That’s right, dolls, Briana is a stripper! And before you say anything, she wants you to know that she doesn’t care what you think, and if you want to judge, she thinks that’s stupid. Whatever babe, like I care what some stripper thinks.

Rick James is very excited about Briana. He thinks she’s the whole package. He comes over to flirt with her, then immediately apologizes for getting in her space. Aggressive and non-threatening at the same time. Interesting strategy.

The crew heads out for their first night on the town. They have no idea where they’re going, so they land somewhere on Hollywood Blvd. As they’re walking, Prety makes some comment about how everyone’s a peasant, which of course Sarah takes offense to.

When they arrive at whatever random bar they’ve found while strolling in a big, touristy clump down Hollywood Blvd., Sarah immediately sits down with Meathead, and tells him that Prety bothers her. He thinks he’s better than everyone, and she can’t stand him already. And speaking of being too good for everything, Prety sits down with the group to inform them that “This is probably the lamest spot in LA.” Perhaps sweetheart, but I didn’t exactly see you leading the charge to Villa.

Oh, that’s right. You weren’t at Mel’s Diner.

Naturally, this annoys Sarah, so she stomps away from the table muttering about how Prety is too negative for her to be around. Prety and Meathead awkwardly joke about it for a second, and then Meathead turns to the camera, all wide eyes and earnestness, and tells us that Prety reminds him of himself when he was twenty, and that he just needs to grow up.

On the walk home, it once again comes up that Briana is a stripper, and I guess Rick James hadn’t gotten wind of that one yet, cause when he does, he is not happy. He shakes, like he’s trying to shake the stripper skank off him, and then instructs Prety to tell him the next time a girl’s a stripper, cause he needs to know about it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for judging strippers, but a fellow who breakdances on Hollywood Blvd., and gives out free CDs? Back at home, he makes fun of “girls like that” he says. Dude, your office is your white boombox. And now, he says, he can’t even look at her. Briana sits at the pool, with her trusty pack of smokes and, depending on editing tricks, may or may not be eavesdropping.

But the next day, it’s morning in sunny So Cal. The roomies are awakening, brushing teeth, putting plates in the dishwasher. Meathead thinks that everyone’s really nice, but he can see where some people might not get along. Then we cut to Dave and his Livestrong bracelet. Nothing like accessorizing in the moment. He’s on the phone with someone back home and telling him that he’s rooming with Prety. And here’s what’s shocking…the friend actually seems to know who he’s talking about! Internet or not, people are already talking about him, so Dave better do something to get himself noticed quick! But remember, he still has no idea what he want to be sort-of famous for. He’s sure got his work cut out for him.

And actually, it’s not a Prety bashing, it’s a montage of all the roomies gossiping about each other. Consensus is Prety didn’t make the best first impression, but the Stripper thinks he’s hot. Meathead has a great bod, Sarah’s the nice girl with the boyfriend, Briana is a mad cool pole dancer, and Blondie is awesome.

No one mentions this lame beret homage.

Sarah is still stuck on her issues with Prety, and now I’m starting to think she must have the hots for him. She is way too focused on this. Anyway, he comes into the girls’ room to offer to make them breakfast. The Stripper and Blondie take him up on the offer of free breakfast, but the college girl airily declines. You know that argument about book smarts versus street smarts? Well, the college girl sat around with no brekky, while the bartender and the stripper got fed.

Then Rick James decides to have a sit down with the Stripper. And basically tell her that now that he knows what she does for a living, he has a completely different opinion of her. At first, I’m like what the fuck? But then I think about it, and you know, at least Rick James is honest. Her ho ass grosses him out, and he’s not going to be two-faced about it. On some level, I’m in awe. And of course, like every stripper out there, she gives him a whole speech about how it’s just a job, and doesn’t define her life.

“Really?” he asks. Well, it turns out she’s actually running away from the stripper life, that’s what the whole move to LA is about. Now, now Briana. Have you never seen the Lifetime movie of the week? That running away plan never works. It always catch up with you, dear. Always, always, always.

And sure enough, the next time we catch up with the Stripper, she’s on the phone with some roommate back in Philly who’s telling her that there was a notice under their door that she needs to report to the District Court that day. The time she was supposed to be in court has come and gone, but hey, it’s okay, the dude back in Philly has a phone number she can call!

Hi, um. I’m on TV, k? This will have to wait. It’s not like I killed anyone.

Why would a stripper be called to District Court, you wonder? She explains. “Simple assault and harassment,” she sniffs, practically brushing it off with her hands. Maybe not so simple to the person who got beat up and harassed, honey. And that would be Bobby, the love of her life who treats her like crap.

So the Stripper gets on the phone with a Constable in the state of Pennsylvania. Wait, they have constables in Pennsylvania? How delightfully British! And the constable tells her that she needs to get her happy ass back to Philly in the next thirty days or she will become..A FUGITIVE OF JUSTICE! Fugitive Stipper From Justice – now that’s a TV show!

And who does the Stripper call to solve her problem? That’s right, Bobby, her ex-boyfriend who treats her like crap, and also called the cops on her. I just can’t understand why she’s trapped in the stripper life in Philly, she seems to know how to surround herself with such good people. But allegedly, the ex who treated her like crap said he would drop the charges against her, and I guess she’s trying to talk him into it.

But two seconds into the conversation, before she can even mention how much oral she’ll give him for dropping the case, he wants to know what she did the night before. Oh, just hung out in the hot tub, she says breezily, like that comment’s not going anywhere. “Did you get laid?” asks Bobby. My, what a prince. And a classy, classy one at that. “No!” the Stripper replies, self-righteously offended, even though the first thing she wanted to do after she got one shot in her was “get naked and get in the hot tub”.

He wants to know if the roommates are hot. “You wanna know about my roommates?” she screams at him. Way to walk away from that old life, Briana. Goody Goody and Blondie are shocked at the Stripper’s outburst. “So much yelling,” Blonde says disdainfully.

Yes. A suit. I’m wearing a suit. F you for calling me a liar! I’m gonna beat your ass!

And the Stripper’s argument has degenerated into one of those “how dare you disrespect me” brouhahas that people on the Real World just love to have, followed by a hang-up. Let me guess, followed by the girls who were just talking shit on her outburst hugging her and telling her she’s got to “kick him to the curb, girl” – oh, come on, you know that’s what Blondie’s gonna say.

And I’m right! Damn, I’m good at this! They walk in with promises that they love her. The Stripper tells the good girls about her bad day, and the fact that there’s a warrant out for her arrest. Goody Sarah is freaked out. Although, to be honest, if I found out my new roommate was a stripper with an abusive ex (what – you just know that one’s coming) and a warrant out for her arrest, I’d kind of be freaking out too.

Goody and Blondie confront the Stripper about it later. “When you yell at Bobby, you scare Sarah and I,” explains Blondie carefully. Oh good, there’s that line in the sand that Real World girls love to draw. “We” against “you”. Goody and Blondie versus the Stripper. Someone’s calling someone a bitch, and soon.

Goody wants to know what happened. And then the Stripper tells the story. He said things she didn’t like, that she was a stupid stripper and a slut. I hope she never reads this, cause I have a feeling I’m going to be calling her both those things a lot, and if she beat down a dude, I don’t want to think about what she’d do to my bitchy internet gossiping ass.

Anyway, he grabbed her, pushed her against the wall, pushed her on the couch, and I guess she ended up getting arrested. He has the problem that a lot of guys do, the wise Stripper tells us, that just cause she takes her clothes off for work, she must be a whore.

What part of dancer didn’t you hear?

Later that night, it’s time to get down in the Real World house! Blondie is once again jumping around like an idiot. Rick James is breakdancing on the floor. There’s energy! It’s fun! The girls are all giving lots of attention to Meathead. Rick James eats some ABC gum out of Goody’s mouth, and I guess that counts as a kiss.

They leave the house, and two seconds later, Goody realizes that she oops, cough, oops, forgot her purse in the house. Rick James immediately offers to go back with her to retrieve said “lost” purse. They rest of them leave these two in the dust, and when Goody figures it out, she’s agitated. But Rick explains to her that it’s only cause all they guys in the house like her, and they’re jealous because they think he’s with her.

“All the guys in the house do not like me!” she shrieks, meaning, “Omigod, all the guys in the house totally like me!”, and then Rick James seals the deal by telling her he has a “kindergarten crush” on her. A kindergarten crush? But Rick James sagely explains that women like it when you tell them this. Wow, thank heavens at least one man out there finally figured it out! Act like a five year old! That’s it! Rick James, forget the breakdancing and free CD issuing career. You need a book deal. Releasing Your Inner Kindergartener To Land The Lady of Your Dreams!

Of course, goody goody Sarah gets in her room, and can’t find the alleged lost purse. Rick James tries to ambush her into kissing him it looks like, but she dodges away. She tells us in her interview that when she’s drinking, she doesn’t always make the best decisions. Translated, that means when she’s drunk, she’s a whore, and that will be her calling card on this season’s Real World.

Over at da club, there is a line to get in. Prety doesn’t do lines, so he takes off. But everyone else goes inside, and they’ve having a blast! Woo hoo! Dave tells us there’s lots of sexual tension.

Back at the house, Rick James has tied Goody up in the confessional – oh, sorry, went a little overboard with that Rick James thing there – he’s just got her in the confessional. I’m mostly sure she’s not tied up. But she is sucking on a lolly, and Rick is telling her he thinks they should do something bad right now. He likes her. “You like me?” she asks faux-innocently. Please tell me she isn’t the actress in this group. Actually, who gives a shit, cause two seconds later, she tells Rick, “Let’s go to your room.”

Big tease though. I’m not sure what they’re doing in there, but it looks like just talking. And Goody escapes the bedroom to have a top secret meeting behind the sofa with Blondie, to pass along the intel that Rick James likes her. But she has a boyfriend. Sigh. What to do?

Have a spritzer.

Why, go swimming, of course! They all hit the hot tub…all except Prety. He says he’s going to come in, but then starts making fun of Meathead for wearing a t-shirt in the hot tub. Meathead gets mad, tells him not to talk shit, and before you know it, he’s outside talking to the Stripper and Goody about how Prety’s no tough guy, and better not talk shit to him cause he comes from a house where he got beat up every day. Oh, was he living with the Stripper?

All the gossiping little hens go over to the hot tub to tell Prety he’s pissing everybody off. Prety was under the impression that the fight was simply between him and Meathead, but duh, this is so not the rule in the Real World house. If you have words with a roomie, you must immediately tell the story to all the other roomies in the house as soon as you see them. And make sure everyone knows it was 100% the other person’s fault. The more people you tell and the sooner you do it, the better chance you have at them all ganging up with you. Come on Prety, get with the program.

The Stripper tells Prety he’s being an asshole. Goody tells him needs to apologize. “Well, if you have a problem with the way I speak to you, then I won’t speak to you,” he intones condescendingly. “Ok, fantastic! Let’s go with that!” would have been my cheery reply, but nooooo. Goody and the Stripper want to make a big deal about what an immature way it is to solve a problem.

Later that night, there’s clouds overhead. And there’s the foursome of Blondie, the Stripper, Dave and Meathead in the confessional talking about how even though the internet people chose him, Prety isn’t the real “chosen one”. Which he seems to overhear. So he gets on the phone with his Mommy to tell her how it soooooo doesn’t matter to him what they say – “they’re mere peasants” he says. I know this guy’s a moron, but I also know he’s acting like this for attention only, and it’s totally working and it’s making me laugh. Then he tells us he’s perfection. In a Real World lame, pseudo-villain kind of way, why yes Prety, perfection you are.

Prety can handle being the most hated one in the house. “But can they?” he asks ominously. “Only time will tell…” That’s truth and time, buddy.

I shall cut them with my plastic Rolex.

And then Meathead and the Stripper take a break to talk about negative influences in life. Meathead is in favor of cutting negative people out. “They’re like poison for your body,” he explains. He’s such a trainer. The Stripper gazes at him seriously while he expands on this philosophy.

He says that her ex isn’t treating her the way she should be treated. He’s heard about her fights on the phone, and he thinks if he isn’t being nice to her, she should just not talk to him. But he’s the love of her life, Meathead! How does that weigh in to your evaluation of the sitch?

The Stripper thanks him earnestly for their talk. “You’re the only one who’s put this in perspective for me,” she strokes him. Oh no, she’s one of those. She’s gonna walk all over LA, unloading her trashy problems on everyone, and they’re gonna give her advice, and she’s going to tell them that it’s the best advice ever, and they’re the only one who understands, and then she’s gonna go and make the exact same stupid mistakes over and over again, and keep unloading the same problems on the same people, and they’re just gonna keep listening cause she keeps telling them they’re the only one who understands. What can I say? These drama-scammers are a dime a dozen here in LA. And I’ve been hoodwinked in the past, but now it’s rare for anyone to get thirty seconds into their issue before I cut them off with a curt, “Can you just tell me the short version of this?” That usually moves ‘em along to the next sucker pretty quickly.

Carbs will kill your soul.

But back to the Stripper, she knows she needs to get her life together. And the first step is taking her ex’s picture from where it is perched in a place of honor above her bed, and glowing with pride as she shows it off to her new friend Meathead, and then jokingly throwing it over to the other side of the bed. Take that, picture of the ex! Guess who’s Kodak printed eyes she won’t be gazing into tonight!

Goody and Rick James are also having a moment, as are Blondie and Dave. Prety plays basketball all by himself, cause that’s how he rolls. And so ends episode one of our trip to Hollywood. It’s a harsh, harsh world.

Well, this season looks like a lot of trashy drama, and you that’s what I look for in a reality show! So here’s to lots of alcohol related fighting and hookups, and Blondie’s inevitable coke addiction. Kisses til next time!