Real World Hollywood: Making It Up As You Go Along

Hello gorgeous dolls, and welcome back to the Real World Hollywood! This week, no one has sex, no one has a fight, Prety insults a Hollywood has been, and things get really deep for Meathead. I’m on a plane back to LA right now, so pretend I packed you in my suitcase, and come along for the ride!

Just be yourselves. It will be hilarious.

We open with a night out drinking, which is a great way to start a Real World episode, cause it can only lead to sex or a fight. And well, well, well would it surprise anyone to know that Blondie is a complete and total hypocrite? For all her trash talking about the Stripper and the pole, she’s doing a mighty fine little stripper dance herself, grinding up against Meathead.

And Dolt doesn’t like it. She’s his “cuddle buddy” he informs both us, and some guy he’s talking to in the bar. “She’s a freak,” the guy in the bar comments to Dolt. Ha ha! Judge not lest we be judged, Blondie! At least while your doing it on television for everyone to see.

After Blondie’s done whoring it up in the bar, Dolt carries her home on a piggyback ride, cause he’s chivalrous like that. They get back to the house, and he starts making out with her, but she’s not looking too into it. Awww, playing like a real hooker now, doll. Cause sure enough, they tumble into bed together, and Dolt asks her, “Honeybuns, what did you want?” and I take a break from recapping to clean the vomit off my screen.

“I’m not a whore, I just like sex,” Blondie giggles gleefully. Let’s do a quick rewind to last week, when she and Goody were in such firm agreement that the difference between them and the Stripper was that they respected themselves. Judge away, girls.

Respect, of course!

The next morning, Blondie is on the phone with her friend Kelly, and Dolt jumps in to tell the friend how hot Blondie is in her sleepmask. Then they assure each other that she doesn’t want to do the boyfriend thing, he doesn’t want to do the girlfriend thing, and she won’t be expecting anything from him. Which means it should only be a day or so before he hooks up with someone else and she starts passive aggressively ignoring him and they end up hating each other.

That night, they head out to the club, the Stripper dressed in another one of her “I just do it for the money!” ensembles of thigh high stockings, boots and shorts that barely cover her ass. Actually, it’s a slight improvement, shorts that barely cover her ass are better than skirts that barely cover her ass, at least we know her situations covered. Anyway, Meathead’s on the wagon, and they’re all trying to push him off. Dolt in particular, terrified of losing his drinking buddy, cause people like Dolt and Blondie and Goody can never do anything on their own, tries to talk him into it. “C’mon man, it’s free champagne!” he pleads.

And then we get the truth – Meathead “used to be an alcoholic”. Listen, I know enough people in AA to know there is no “used to be” in that disease. If you were, you are and you will be, so that’s why you stay away. He informs the Stripper, who looks at him blankly, but nods. And then he informs Dolt. He explains it very firmly, and makes it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want to drink, and what does that paragon of friendship Dolt do? “Well, just sip it then, take it easy,” he tells Meat. And next thing you know, there’s Meat with a glass of champers.

Joining the Real World cast was the best decision of your life. Let’s drink to it!

Meathead tells us that back at home, he’s cut out the people who were bad influences, but he feels like with the roommates, he’s falling back into it. Dolt tells him, “If you want to have a good time, you could have some drinks. We’ll keep an eye on you.” Well Dolt, has it ever occurred to you that there are people out there who aren’t devoid of a personality and a brain, who can actually enjoy themselves without getting silly drunk? I’m guessing not.

Meathead explains that when he’s under the influence, the “monster” comes out. Dolt being the great guy he is, tries to force a shot down his throat. And sure enough, a moment later, there’s Meathead buying a drink. Good work, Dolt.

And then things get crazy! Meat is all over the Stripper, and she tells us she loves the attention. Then they’re kissing. Then she’s kissing some girl. Dolt tells us there’s celebrities at the club, and I’m sure by celebrities, he means former Real Worlders. All of the sudden, the Stripper is carrying on about her mouth going numb from coke. Damn, I thought Blondie was going to be the cokehead, and I was really looking forward to her downward spiral.

But I guess it was the girl she kissed who had coke in her mouth, and the Stripper freaks out and leaves. As she struts out in her stripper boots and short shorts, I am shocked to discover that this is the only roommate I am respecting right now. I’m also going to say that this ho’s got some killer legs. Meanwhile, Meathead is back in the club making out with some girl with cheap, yellow weave.

The first person in the history of LA that got offended over free coke.

Back at home, the Stripper is crying to Goody over the night at the club. Why such a big deal? Well, it turns out that the Stripper used to have a meth addiction. Okay, no comment from the peanut gallery, cause she speaks in a really heartfelt way about her addiction and how hard it is and I’m feeling for her.

Goody is sweet and supportive, and now I’m really hating this. She better get behind Stripper’s back and start getting catty about the meth addiction, and soon. Meathead stumbles home, with the Bad Weave Ho literally holding him up, and I’m really disappointed in him. The Stripper is waiting outside for him, and she takes care of him. But she says that she doesn’t like him when he’s drinking, and it turns her off.

Meathead is upset that she’s upset, and starts wandering around the house mumbling. Rick James – hey Rick James, ten minutes into the episode, where ya been? – and Dolt chase after him. Rick tells us that when Meathead’s drunk, you really have to watch what him, cause he either gets mad or depressed. I don’t know which way we’re going here, but at some point, he rips the front of his white wifebeater open and starts crazy laughing.

Hey! Hi boobies! Hi there! Wow! Hi my boobies! YAY BOOBIES!

Blondie and Goody are discussing Meathead, and Blondie points out that every night he says he isn’t going to drink, and then he does, and then he spends the whole next day moping around and sulking over it. Ugh, those recovering alcoholics are such buzzkills. They ruin Blondie’s fun. But Goody’s worried about him.

The Stripper meets him out at the workout area to tell Meathead that she’s sorry if she was part of what made him drink that night. She’s teary. And Meat’s teary too. He tells her that he loves everyone in the house to death, but none of them believe in him. I’m sad for him. “But one day, everyone’s gonna wake up and say where’s Joey? And Joey’s gonna be gone, man,” he sobs, as piano music tinkles in the background. And now I’m laughing. I’m also buying the actor in him, cause only an actor would bring such cheesy drama into an everyday conversation. Bravo!

Rick James comes over as well, and Meat goes on and on about how he doesn’t want to live, and life sucks, and he’s a loser, and one day he’s going to be gone. Okay, is this self created drama or a serious cry for help? I’m disturbed. And where’s his good pal Dolt in all of this, huh? Go on, have a drink buddy, I’ll look out for you. I am so hating that jackass.

Viva, Hollywood!

The next morning, Dolt and Blondie wake up in bed together. Meathead’s on the phone with one of his friends talking about ashamed he is of the night before, and how he doesn’t want to be “that guy”. But it isn’t easy with friends like Dolt around, that’s for sure.

Blondie tells him to talk to the Stripper and figure things out with her, because they’re both going through the same thing on different levels. Don’t worry Blondie, you’re time’s coming. But he goes to talk to the Stripper about it, he apologizes, and she’s an absolute sweetheart. She shares her meth addiction with him, and tells him they need to stay sober together. Dammit, now I like both of them. This has to stop.

Blondie and Dolt are eating together, and Prety says they remind him of a married couple. Blondie quickly corrects him. “I don’t get married, I don’t do boyfriends and I don’t do love,” she says. I don’t buy it for a second. It’s always those girls who want marriage, boyfriends and love more than anyone.

I just read romance novels in bed alone because it passes the time.

Dolt thinks that she flirts with him a little bit, but it keeps him attracted. Well Blondie, I don’t like you, but I will admit, that’s masterful. That night, in bed, Dolt tells her, “You only like me for my penis.” Umm, a) classy, and b) does anyone believe Dolt has anything bigger than pinky size? Something about him just screams small one.

The next morning, we are greeted by Meathead punching the crap out of a punching bag. Oooooh, Meaty’s mad! But it’s his treatment, and his way of handling it, he tells us. “I hope everyone understands that. And respects that. To the fullest,” he says intently to the camera, eyes nearly popping out of his head. Who you talking to, Meat? You know we’re out there in viewing land, and don’t really have anything to do with your problem. Wouldn’t this threat be better addressed to the roommates who are the actual bad influences?

He heads back into the house, and his hands are bleeding. His roommates express concern, but he brushes them off with, ” I want my skin to get as tough as it can.” The Stripper tells us she’s getting a little freaked out. Me too. This dude’s a time bomb. Oh wait, that makes me excited. I know, it’s wrong to want to watch people fall apart, but hey, nobody forced the guy to advertise his problems on reality television.

That night, Rick and the Stripper are out alone, and Rick is saying that they’re all bad influences on Meathead. And the Stripper is becoming less attracted to him. She doesn’t want him to impair her while she’s working on herself. Oooh, cold, but I love it. She has to look out for herself. Kick that meth, girl. I can overlook the wardrobe (maybe) for huge inner strength.

When we get back to the house, Dolt is running around in his undershorts yelling about something bloody under his pillow. He’s pissed. He doesn’t like his bed being messed with. Prety and Meathead laugh at him, which makes me think they know what’s going on, and then Dolt, Blondie, Goody and Rick convene back in the girls’ room, and I guess Rick found some rocks in his bed also. The decide to blame Prety for it. “He’s the only one weird enough to do that,” Goody tells us while Prety laughs maniacally in the kitchen.

Her name is Blondie. Don’t be so rude!

The next morning, Meat is all over the Stripper, talking about how beautiful she is. She says he knows his boundaries. She thinks he’s attractive and sexy, but he doesn’t want to have sex with him. Quite a change from last week. He leaves her and heads into the living room, where Goody informs him they all have letters. They are to be at the IO Theater that afternoon. Rick James is excited, cause he thinks it’s going to be their job.

They get to the theater, and wait downstairs for someone named Andy. And what do you know, Andy is Andy Dick. Blondie tells us how starstruck she is. Blondie, Andy Dick is a drunken, coked out has-been, and I don’t know who’s more pathetic, him for his antics or you for being impressed. Maybe he’s still funny, but when you’re down to making guest appearances on the Real World, I think it’s safe to say that funny or not, you’re career’s officially in the crapper.

Has Been (oh yeah, he’s getting nicknamed too) tells them that they’re the luckiest of all the Real World casts ever. Why loser, cause they get to hang out with you? No, cause they don’t actually have to work, they’re just going to take classes, like he did twenty years ago, he tells them very, very seriously.

And then the most priceless thing ever – Prety tells Has Been that he doesn’t know who he is. The rest of the roommates look away in shock and embarrassment. How dare you disrespect Andy Dick, one of the foremost comedians of our time! Dolt tells us how very embarrassed they all are. But Has Been, to his credit, handles the diss gracefully, and explains that he has written, acted and directed for television and film. And now he’s going to introduce them to the woman who taught him everything he knows.

This is Charna, who in a very timely manner, takes full credit for the brilliance of both Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I think she might be reaching, but whatever, only taking credit for Andy Dick would be just sad. They will be learning the art of improvisation, and all the roommates tell us what an important skill this is to have.

Oh, honey! If I had known you sooner I would have gotten you a walk on in Baby Mama!

They’re all so excited…all except Prety. He sits alone staring out the window. Ugh, what’s your problem now? Just making drama? Actually, that’s perfectly fine. Carry on. As they leave, Dolt exclaims, “I can’t believe we met Andy Dick!”

“I know, that was awesome!” replies Blondie. Oh yeah, Z-list is so impressive. Dream big, kids. They talk about Prety on the way home, and how rude he was to Has Been, and how he’s not a team player.

That night, Meathead stays home with Blondie and Goody. The rest of the group go out. While Meat and the girls are at home talking about the Stripper, she’s out making out with anyone who crosses her path. First a girl. Then a really creepy “club promoter” named Jo Jo.

The cheesy promoter comes home with them, and Goody and Blondie don’t like it. They tell her not to mess things up with Meathead, but the Stripper says she doesn’t care about that anymore. Goody comes out to meet Cheesy Promoter, and immediately interrogates him, wanting to know what his intentions are with the Stripper.

I wanna treat her with so much respect that her uncle gives me a cow. What the fuck do you think my intentions are?

“We have a connection,” Cheesy Promoter tells Goody. Well, if by “connection”, you mean a desperate need to be on camera, then yeah, looks like a match made in heaven. “Don’t I even get a handshake, or a hug?” Cheesy asks Goody. But she doesn’t want to touch his hand. She does agree to touch elbows with him, though. Goody’s a sport.

“Where’s your shirt?” she snips at him, but I have to laugh, cause I was wondering the same thing. He’s wearing a white zip up sweatshirt, and all I see underneath are some scraggly chest hairs. Dolt and Blondie stand in the hallway talking about how Cheesy is one big, walking STD. Meathead overhears them from his bed, and asks them to go talk somewhere else.

But it’s all too loud, and these walls must be paper thin, cause Meat comes out to join the group anyway. He is not impressed with Cheesy. Cheesy has a cubic zirconia studded gun for a belt buckle, and they all get a laugh at his expense, but I think he thinks they think it’s cool. Meat sits by himself on the couch and stews, with the Stripper tells us she understands he’s upset that she brought a guy home, but she’s not his girl.

The Stripper makes out with Cheesy outside, while Meathead sits inside with Prety talking about how Stripper is playing games. She bids Cheesy farewell, tells him she’ll call him the next day, and then threatens him that he better answer.

Don’t throw stones if you wear a glass belt.

The next day, it’s time for the first day of Improv class! It’s not terribly exciting, and none of them seem too good at it, but Prety does get one laugh out of me with this portrayal of a sad sack. “What do I have to live for?” he wonders morosely, “My baby? He doesn’t even look like me.” Billie Jean is not Prety’s lover!

Dolt tells us that if they put their drama aside, they’ll be a great improv team. And the first step is to go out to a show at the improv theater, but Prety isn’t going cause he’s invited a lady friend over. And when they get to the theater, Charna is not happy. First he insults the world famous Andy Dick, now he doesn’t come to her show? She gets on the phone with him, and tells him it better not happen again.

They get back to the house after the show, and the Stripper immediately gets on the phone with Cheesy Promoter, but he doesn’t answer. She’s furious in her red ho dress, and storms away. And who’s she going to take it out on? Poor, jilted Meaty.

Today’s lesson: I discovered Tina Fey. Dismissed!

He approaches her to tell her she was too good for Cheesy, but she hits him back by telling him he cares about himself more than anyone else. She complains that he spends all day working out. He responds with some big, self-righteous speech about how running 45 minutes a day and avoiding pizza is what makes him a man. Actually Meat, it’s only what keeps the demons at bay, but you can paint it any color you want.

And now it’s Meat’s turn to storm off. Prety, who’s now back in nice, rational mode, tells him that she’s playing games, and she really likes him. Meanwhile, Rick James takes on Stripper duty, and tells her pretty much the same about Meat. The Stripper complains to Rick that no one in the house cares about listening or learning about anyone else. Interesting assessment, considering I feel like I know her whole life story, but hardly anything about anyone else.

And is Rick wearing another t-shirt over a collared shirt with a tie? What kind of fashion statement is he hoping to make here? He tells the Stripper that Meat’s insecure, and she needs to have his back. And back in the house, Meat is telling Prety that he’s tired of Stripper’s games, and he no longer has interest in her.

And then the Bad Weave Ho from the other night somehow gets back into the house, and Meat gets all excited to see her. He chases her out to the backyard, and she’s identified as his “Admirer”. They lie side by side on lounge chairs, while the Stripper sits alone in the kitchen. Love hurts.

And there we have it…but not as good as last week. Maybe just a bit dull. Although, I liked what Meathead brought to the table. Overall, I’m still down with the Real World Hollywood. Here’s to better drama next week…kisses till then!

A-M-Y-P-O-H-E-L-E-R!!!!