Real World Hollywood: Kiss My Grits!

Well hello and welcome back to the Real World Hollywood, now Meat-free. I still can’t believe it, Episode Four and Joey Meathead’s already gone! Talk about life in the fast lane. But, there’s some judging and drama and a fashion show that beats improv any day, so I’m still on board. You with me?

Ambition personified.

So today’s episode doesn’t start with traffic! We start with some views of Hollywood, and then it’s off to some cantina type of place for lunch with Dave Dolt and Brianna The Stripper. Only the coolest lunch date ever. And The Stripper wants to talk about Dolt and his dating habits. Actually, it’s more about his sexual habits. And Blondie Kim, who he’s been doing it with.

But he doesn’t really like Blondie, he explains. He doesn’t like short, blonde hair. Also, she’s too old. Isn’t she 24? If that’s too old, then I’m just a stone’s throw from assisted living. But back to Dolt’s problems with Blondie. He’s also bothered by the fact that she doesn’t have cute feet. Dolt chomps away on his nachos, trying to accustom himself to nachos that aren’t made with the Cheez-Whiz he’s used to. As he ticks of his list of inanities that bug him about Blondie, Stripper looks at him like he’s on crack.

You’re like four feet tall. Back to Blondie’s issues…

Back at Casa Reality, Blondie is on the phone with some friend who’s playing therapist. She’s copping to still hooking up with Dolt, and surprise, surprise, she’s got feelings. Gosh, after her whole “I don’t do boyfriends and I don’t do love” speech, who could have predicted this one? Oh, that’s right. Me.

And speaking of me, I noticed something this week. Did you see the big banner ad on the top of this site? No? Well, look up. Okay, now according to this ad, my recaps are sponsored by some furniture company called Chiasso. So I immediately email the powers that be to complain that if I’m being sponsored by Chiasso, I want my piece of the pie! The response is that this alleged Chiasso sponsorship is simply what provided free sofas for the actual Real World house. Hmmmph. Well, I hope those couch sitters appreciate all my hard work. These recaps don’t write themselves, you know. And by the way – I just moved and I could certainly use one of those nifty Chiasso chaises that Blondie is curled up on for her convo. Cream-colored would look very nice. Oh, and my building doesn’t accept deliveries past six. Kisses. Chiasso.

And over on that lovely chaise, Blondie’s admitting that she likes Dolt (why, huh, and ewwwww), but she wants to keep herself protected and not get emotionally attached. So they decide to just not talk about it. Her friend has the same annoying accent as Blondie, by the way. Blondie and her flock have taken the lilting Southern accent and poured cheap, Ranch dressing all over it.

So let’s visit with Prety Greg while he sits around like a man of leisure and gets a pedicure. He’s trying to impress his technician, who’s got a very interesting hairdo. I don’t know how to describe it, except to say that I think it probably needs to be washed. But the technician’s cool, and she’s not impressed by Prety’s modeling. Damn straight. This is LA honey, good-looking people with cameras following them are less than a dime a dozen. He boasts about some underwear modeling, but she kind of laughs at him.

Congrats on your new job, Fantasia!

That night at the house, Stripper’s strutting around in one of her signature ho ensembles, cause she’s only a stripper for the money, remember. Prety likes her “stride”. Actually, I kind of do too. If Tyra were here, she’d be yelling “Fierce!” Prety tells her and Rick James Will about some fashion show that he’s volunteered himself to model in. Sash-ay, Pret-ay!

And the group is getting tarted up for another night out. Everyone except Goody Sarah, that is. How much more sitting around in t-shirts and blankets are we gonna be doing here, doll? She may be my new Marge. But Blondie’s ready for a night out, and she informs us that if Dolt is a good boy, he might get to spend the night with her. Assuming he even wants her old, short-haired, not cute-footed ass.

But Goody’s concerned. She’s never known a “friends with benefits” type relationship to work before, and she thinks Blondie’s “biting off more than she can chew”. I seriously doubt that. I’ve already made my assessment of Dolt’s manly bits, and I’d hardly categorize it as too much.

And Goody’s not done. Now she’s got issues with the roommates going out again every night, so soon after Meathead’s departure. He just went to rehab, and they’re going out, she wonders? Well, yeah considering I’m pretty sure that’s why they shipped him off in the first place. It’s not a good time til someone goes to rehab. What does Goody want, a season of sitting around, covered in blankets, talking about how much they respect themselves? Is that really fair to the viewing public?

“Now, go do the right thing!”- Dr. Laura

Well, thankfully the other roommates get that we like watching them act like drunken fools, and they’re up for the challenge. They hit the bar, and Dolt’s all over Blondie, but she’s not having it. “The fact that he would try and kiss me in a bar…makes me feel like trash,” she says making a disgusted face. Well, fucking him under night vision cameras must make you feel like Princess Grace then, right darling?

Dolt’s not happy either. He feels like Blondie has given him the brush off. He’s telling us this in his interview, decked out in yet another misplaced attempt at retro style – this time, the Ralph Macchio circa Karate Kid black and red headband. Hey, wouldn’t Ralph Macchio be a great addition to that new VH1 has-been teen idol show? I would also nominate the other hottie of the day, C. Thomas Howell, but he’s already turned up on VH1′s has-been magician show, and he’s so skinny he looks diseased. Who else? I’m obsessed with this new concept. But I’m going to get back to the Real World.

Blondie is getting over Dolt with shots with Rick James, and Dolt is getting over Blondie with some yellow weave. Oh, it’s attached to a head, by the way, of someone named Justine. Cute in a very, very trashy way. Tres Hollywood, in the cheap part of town. Of course Dolt thinks she’s fabulous.

And Blondie is getting more and more drunk. “Find Dave, that’s all I care about,” she demands, but when she does, he’s making out with Justine. And then we move to threats. “I’m gonna fuck his world up!” she yells, and then allows some swarthy looking fat dude to buy her another drink. Oh, honey. When you’re at the point that you’re letting guys like that socialize with you, it’s absolutely time to go home.

Who could deny this face?

But if you’re Blondie at this point, it’s actually time to do your stripper dance, using Prety as a pole. Truly. So Dolt kissing her makes her feel like trash, but rubbing all over the roommate she hates, in a cheap, blue dress is all good. Glad we got that straight. The gospel according to Blondie.

They leave the club, and guess who’s coming with them? Trashy Justine. Dolt’s nervous though, he’s not sure how Blondie’s going to react. Doesn’t take him long to figure that one out, cause it’s only two seconds later that she comes stumbling out of the club, slurring, “I’m hotter than that whore!” Well. Actually. As cheap looking as it is, that whore’s makeup and dress are still intact and Blondie’s looking like she’s had a really rough night.

As she stumbles along the sidewalk with Swarthy, Blondie’s carrying on and on about how she’s “over it”. Over it, not doing boyfriends, not doing love, all very believable. Prety catches up with her and calls it a rodeo clown circus show. Meanwhile, Blondie is bawling and looking pretty harsh. “I want to go hooooome!” she sobs.

But does she really? Cause who’s at home, but Dolt and Trashy. Dolt introduces Prety to Trashy, and Prety warns him that if Blondie sees Trashy it’s gonna be an explosion. And the obvious way to avert this danger is to use Stripper as some kind of buffer. And the way Dolt sucks her into the drama is priceless.

Dolt: Can you come talk to me?

Stripper: In the bathroom?

Dolt: Yeah.

Stripper: Can you talk to me while I’m eating my grits?

Dolt: (Drops trou, and starts peeing)

Stripper: Are you really peeing right next to me while I’m eating my fucking grits?

I practically fall off my sofa laughing at this exchange. Although, I would much rather be falling of the new Chiasso chaise lounge. Regardless. And then I’m wondering why the fuss, Stripper, you’re eating your grits out of the pan you cooked them in, with what looks like the spoon you cooked them with. Big gourmet.

Pee on the Dance Floor

Anyway, Stripper agrees with Dolt that Trashy is indeed very hot. And that Blondie’s going to be mad. But when Blondie staggers through the front door, she’s less mad and more rolling around on the floor crying for Stripper. Well, well, well. Shoes on the other foot now, isn’t it. Where’s your partner in non-objectified self respect, Goody?

The Stripper tells Blondie that she heard she was crying, and she doesn’t want that. Which brings about another priceless, grit-related exchange.

Blondie: Bri, please help me.

Stripper: Want some grits?

I don’t know why grits make me laugh so much. I think it’s cause for the first eighteen years of my life, I thought grits were pancakes. It wasn’t until my first trip to Waffle House that I learned that grits had their own, unique identity and they’ve held some mystical, hysterical lure for me ever since. I have to stop digressing on this recap.

Stripper says that aside from the alcohol, Blondie is acting ridiculous. Aside from the alcohol? What does she mean? Blondie may be an ignorant racist, but it’s definitely the drink that’s making her act like an idiot. And to think, Goody wants this to stop.

All Meathead needed were grits. They fix everything.

Trashy looks like one of those incredibly stupid people who has nothing to say, so she just stands there smiling. I have no problem with a simpleton, as long as they’re smiling. Blondie walks by her and doesn’t say a word, but as soon as she gets behind her back, she turns to Rick James, mouths, “what the?” and then mouths some mumbling and waves her arms around confusedly. I am so onboard with Drunk Blondie. I’m telling you, I see that coke addiction looming brightly in our future.

“I’m not trying to avoid Kimberly, just sort of, so there may or not be conflict,” Dolt explains to us. Illuminating. Dolt is so smart. He shoots pool and fake casually asks what “everyone” is doing. “Well,” Stripper says, simply cutting through his transparent bull, “Kim’s in the phone room crying.”

And sure enough, there’s Blondie sprawled on the chaise, arms dramatically flung across her face. Dolt walks Trashy out to the temporary fencing door, and I notice that we can see the top of Trashy’s butt crack peeking out of her shorts and Elvis style belt, even though she’s not bending over. Dolls, it takes a special kind of ho to pull this look off. Dolt doesn’t know what’s going to happen with them, but he thinks she’s cool to hang out with.

Awww! Have some grits.

As soon as Trashy is kicked out, Dolt heads to the hot tub where Stripper is lounging with some guy. I couldn’t tell you who, all I see of him is a bit of chest and a cheap, gold chain hanging in the water. Another winner, no doubt. Dolt asks Stripper what was wrong with Blondie, and she rolls her eyes. She’s bored of this game.

“Me?!?!” Dolt pretends to wonder. Sweetheart, I know you’re still “deciding” what you’re going to do in Hollywood to make you famous, but I’d definitely cross acting off the list. Dolt has one of those tribal tattoos on his back, branding him very deep and spiritual. How much you wanna bet he’s got some original Chinese letters inked somewhere on him too?

Dolt says he doesn’t like Blondie. There is no emotion, he says. But Stripper doesn’t buy it and now it looks like she’s getting a little annoyed with his whole game. Dolt tells us that the only thing between him and Blondie is the equivalent of her peeing on him to mark her territory. I would be offended, but I’m already desensitized to this line of thinking, having heard this dumb argument from Trasha over in Sydney. Actually, I don’t care for the analogy, but I do see his point. Blondie was getting too cocky with Dolt’s affections and it’s fun to watch a conceited, silly girl get knocked down a peg.

The next morning, Prety is out to conquer the world of high fashion! He calls his contact about that fashion show, and the editors thoughtfully zero in on a big zit on his forehead. A big white one. I’m grossed out. Anyway, the show happens to coincide with improv class, but Prety seems to think he can get out of it. Oooooh, you’re gonna cross Charna? I can’t wait to see this.

Proactiv doesn’t need another spokesperson. Sorry, try again.

Dolt and Blondie are very busy ignoring each other. Honestly, they are putting actual effort into doing it. Blondie literally plops herself on the kitchen counter and sits there staring at the wall while Dolt eats something. Then she goes to commiserate with Stripper and Goody, who are not surprisingly curled up on the sofa wrapped in blankets. And believe me, if I’m calling someone lazy, that’s saying a lot.

The Stripper fills Blondie in on the deets of the night before, specifically that Dolt was offended when Blondie pushed him away and that’s why he went after Miss Trashy 2008 in the first place. And then the Stripper does something I just love, she starts gushing to Blondie about how hot Trashy was. “Oh, really?” comments Blondie dismissively. Hee hee. No more upper hand for you, Blondie!

She tells us that she would rather Dolt didn’t bring “other hos” home with him. Other than herself, she means? Hey, she said it, not me! Blondie without makeup isn’t such a pretty sight. She has a great body, tall and thin, but why is her face so big and puffy? It’s not the hangover, it’s kind of always like that.

Then she threatens that if that’s how Dolt wants to be, they won’t be having sex anymore. So what? It was only a convenience fuck anyway. And Dolt’s obviously capable of finding someone else to do it with. But then she drops the bravado for a second to say what we all know anyway, that she feels like an idiot, and I warm to her slightly.

And then it’s time for improv class, and guess who doesn’t show? That’s right, no Prety. And Charna is pissed. Charna strikes me as the kind of person who’s a really big deal in her little world, and automatically assumes that makes her a big deal to everyone, so it must be really bugging her that this insolent little reality show cast member (and you just know she’s up on her high horse about how improv’s all about the art) keeps blowing her off. Well done, Prety, keep it up!

Doesn’t he know I discovered ANY DICK!?!?!?!?

And the really priceless part is the reason she is given for his absence…he’s getting a haircut. He finally turns up midway through the class, and big, bad Charna wants to have a talk with him. He explains about the fashion show, and that he has to not only leave class right after he gets there, but that he won’t be at that evening’s show either. Charna reluctantly “agrees” to let him go, cause what’s she gonna say? I don’t think Charna has any power here, and I think she knows it. “But two strikes…” she warns him. Yeah, and what? I’m not scared, and Prety isn’t either. He doesn’t even pretend.

He does, however, mention to Charna that the rest of the roomies want to go to the fashion show to watch him. But when Charna questions them, they bow down like good little improvers and insist they’d rather watch her show. Well, that’s one point for Charna. But not really, cause Prety’s performance at the fashion show is pure comic gold. If Charna was smart, she’d dump all the dopey lady giving birth in a cab on the way to a hospital scenarios she makes the group do in class, and steal the concept of a Hollywood fashion show that thinks it’s more important than it is – models included.

It begins with a bunch of dudes with interesting facial hair, trendy t-shirts and trucker hats. They’re the PR guys, straight off the wrong side of the velvet rope at Hyde. They all do that bro-shake that guys do, and then we are introduced to the choreographer, who is choreographing in a wool ski cap. Wouldn’t want the poor girl catching cold walking around on a runway on a sunny day in Los Angeles. Do these people have any idea that they caricature themselves? On second thought, maybe this recap does kind of write itself.

Prety tells us that he loves runway. It’s his passion, he explains dreamily. And you know who’s really got a bee in his bonnet about the whole Prety as a model thing? Dolt! If he wants to model, that’s his thing, but this is his job and this is what he’s here for, Dolt explains self-righteously. No dumbass, he’s here to use his time on camera to build a solid foundation for future Z-list fame. This is Hollywood, for crying out loud! Only a Real World cast, specifically cast for their showbiz aspirations, would spend all their time laying on sofas all day and drinking all night. And as far as Dolt’s career aspirations are concerned, I think we can safely cross anything on the business end of things off the list as well.

Toro! Toro!

Now we only see a split second of the improv show, so I can’t really judge it’s hilarity, but I’m nearly positive that by trying to be funny, there’s no way it’s actually funnier than the spectacle of Prety’s fashion show. It’s set to a New Kids on the Block song, You Got The Right Stuff, Baby! Actually, I don’t think that’s what they’re actually playing in the show, I think it was the crafty editors, but watching him strut around to boy band music is pretty brilliant.

And now, let’s detail the moves. And oh my, does Prety have moves. I am going to try and describe them, but trust me, you’ve got to see for yourself for the full effect. First, he twirls around on the runway while he’s walking on it. Heels together, turn – like ten times. And I don’t think this is the work of the ski-capped choreographer, either, this is all Prety.

The Twirling Twerp

And then it’s time for what Prety’s Blue Steel, or what he creatively calls “The Jacket Move”. He waves a jacket around in front of him like a matador. “I get one arm in. I get the second arm in. And it’s just like, perfection,” he boasts. Putting your arms through your sleeves – yeah, that’s some serious talent there, pal. Oh, and you forgot the really cool part – when you put the hood over your head. That was really special.

The Slackjawed Gangsta

Back at the improv show, Dolt is doing a major suck up job on Charna. He bitches to her about Prety, and how wrong he is to be forgoing watching a show about something that he couldn’t care less about to share the gift of The Jacket Move with the world. Rick James gets in on the act too, says that Prety’s setting himself up to get fired. How is he getting fired from taking a class? I don’t get it.

So they leave the improv show, and meet up with Prety on the way to the club. Prety is rocking the sunglasses at midnight, cause that’s how the super cool models roll, and when Dolt asks him how the show was, he tells him “You should have been there.” It somehow turns into a shoving match that Rick James has to break up after Dolt taps Prety in the nose.

While Blondie pleads with Dolt to “be the bigger man”, Prety tells us that he doesn’t have time for another stupid conflict over nothing. Which kind of makes me wonder what he’s doing in the Real World house in the first place, seeing as how the show is based on stupid conflicts over nothing. But Prety does decide to be the bigger man, walks over to Dolt gives him a hug and apologizes, even though I’m not sure what he did wrong. I cannot figure Prety out. In some ways, he’s the most evolved and intelligent one in the house, but then…The Jacket Move?

Alright, that’s enough deep poetry from you.

That night, Blondie can’t sleep. “Is he sleeping?” asks Goody, tucked safely in her bed after her exhausting day of lying on the sofa. “I don’t know,” says Blondie, making sure to act like she doesn’t care. She and Dolt haven’t spoken in two days, and now she’s decided to stop being her usual stubborn self and ask him what’s going on.

Except that when she gets to his room, “What’s going on?” is somehow translated to “Why are you being a dickhead?” But they somehow manage to sort it out, and next thing you know, she’s telling him he can come “cuddle”. Just cause she can’t sleep, she quickly adds. Oh, this girl’s shameless. What an embarrassment. They crawl into her bed, and he tells her to stop liking him so much and she tells him to stop liking her so much and I’m telling them both to stop having such a retarded courtship.

Sorry, I promised I’d cuddle with Prety.

The next morning, we’re at the House of Hair for Stripper to get her weave tightened. Rick James is there keeping her company, but he takes off to go read his book about the music business. Stripper comments that she needs to read that book too, and you know, those plastic looking braids really detract from the fact that she’s pretty.

She wants to be in the music business, but she doesn’t want to have to do any hard work. “I know I can do it, it’s just a matter of if I will do it,” she laments. Back at home, she sings to Rick James, and he loves her voice. She invites him to Capital Records with her the next day, when she’s planning on just dropping in and singing for whoever’s hanging around the reception area, but he tells her the first thing she needs to do is quit smoking cigarettes for four days. And she’s not sure about that. Honey, if don’t want it bad enough to quit nicotine for four days, just go back to your roadside strip club and leave us alone. That’s just pathetic.

And at some point later on, the Catty Sisters, Goody and Blondie are sitting in bed together, talking about what a slob Stripper is. Really, Blondie? Was she being a slob when you were lying on the floor crying for her to take care of you the other night? Short memory, sweetheart. So they decide to take her stuff from the bathroom, and hide it. As they’re doing it, even they admit that they’re acting like five year olds. They are also dressed like five year olds, in some prissy little blue dress that they both wear in their interview, and that Goody is wearing in the house while she hides Stripper’s stuff.

And that night, they’re at Les Deux, and they run into JoJo the Cheesy Promoter. And even though Stripper had sworn off him, she immediately starts making out with him, wrapping her fuscia tipped, cigarette-waving hands around him. Klassy. That’s right, with a capital K.

And Goody is mad about it. She calls Cheesy a scumbag, and who’s arguing, but live and let live, doll. It doesn’t concern her, cause you know she could give a crap about who Stripper sees, she just always has to get all high and mighty over everything. Cheesy and Stripper are all over each other at the club, and yeah, it’s gross and inappropriate, but again, how does that concern Goody? Just look the other way.

How sweet! You wrote your own vows!

Stripper ends up taking Cheesy home with her, and as they lay in the hot tub, she actually thanks the loser for coming over that night. They head to the room she shares with the Catty Sisters, who are already in bed. Blondie tells her not to have sex while she’s awake, which I find pretty ironic, considering she was doing Dolt in that very room just the night before. Stripper promises no sex, he’s just sleeping over, but according to Goody, “literally, thirty seconds later, they start having sex!”

Okay, now I’m going to give her some latitude, cause that really is gross. There isn’t enough Lysol on earth to wash the skank off those sheets. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the lovin’, but with your roommates wide awake and right next to you? Goody storms out and calls…her Mom? Her Mom sounds less like a Mom and more like a catty friend. “Tell her to get the hell out of there! What a bitch,” she tells Goody.

Oh, but one interesting thing to note, when Goody first tells her Mom that people are having sex in her room, her Mom immediately guesses it’s Stripper. Now, she’s obviously right, but I find it very interesting that that was the first conclusion, even though Blondie’s been doing it with Dolt in there since practically day one. Goody seems to be very selective in what rules apply to whom.

Which is why it comes as no surprise whatsoever when she appears in interview to tell us that her morals are different than everyone else’s, because she “grew up in a religious home”. Oh, I smell a Christian. And sure enough, Mama’s brilliant advice to Goody is to “READ THE BIBLE. SATURATE YOURSELF WITH THE WORD AND I KNOW THAT WILL HELP YOU.”

Saturate yourself with the Lord so that bitch can’t infect you.

And I do feel a little bad for Goody. Even Trasha’s Mom had better advice than that. “Well, I’ll let you go,” she tells her Mom, when I’m sure what she really wanted to say was, “Exactly what of the Bible tells you how to fall asleep next to a sleazebag while he fucks your roommate, Mom? Huh? What part, Mother?!?!”

The next morning, Goody is still pissed and she’s gonna show it in the most passive aggressive way possible. She slams her drawers shut, clanks the hangers in the closet, practically knocks the door off the hinge opening and closing it, you know the drill. She and Blondie meet in the bathroom to talk shit on the grossness of it all. Blondie isn’t so much annoyed that Stripper did it in their room, her problem is that she did it while she and Goody were awake. Blondie’s a respectable whore. She waits til everyone else is sleeping.

Of course, all the noise Goody’s making wakes up Stripper, and she’s mad. Now she’s storming around the room, slamming shit around, talking about how she wants to beat Goody’s ass. “What’s wrong,” asks Cheesy, languidly from the bed. Stripper says she doesn’t know what Goody’s problem is, and that it’s none of her business who she brings home and sleeps with. No, not unless you’re doing it in her room two feet away from her while she’s wide awake and can hear the whole, dirty mess.

When Cheesy finally rolls his ass out of bed, he meets Goody in the bathroom. “Good morning,” he tells her pleasantly, but she just ignores him. Well, that part was just rude. Her beef was with her roommate, not him. Then Stripper wanders in, looking for her makeup bag. She asks the Catty Sisters if they’ve seen it, and Goody flat out tells her that they hid it, along with the rest of her stuff.

Ignorance is aging you, Goody.

And now I’m back on Team Stripper. Who the fuck is Goody to go hiding other people’s stuff all over the house? That’s having a roommate, honey, you don’t like it, live alone. I will say that Stripper handles this better than I would have. “Well we’re mature,” she says sarcastically, as she goes off to fetch her items from where Goody hid them.

“Yeah, we are,” Goody snips back. No, you’re not, and even you were saying you felt like a five year old doing it in the first place! Stripper returns to the bathroom with her stuff, and the two of them put on their makeup and shoot daggers at each others’ reflections in the mirror. “Put your stuff away next time, and it won’t end up underneath the dock. What’s…unclear about that?” she says in her most high and mighty voice, with her most high and mighty expression and I don’t know if I’ve ever felt such a strong urge to reach through my television and slap someone. And considering the amount of reality TV I watch, that’s saying a lot.

Stripper and Cheesy sit outside, and Stripper vents about Goody and all her judgments. Cheesy tells her not to get heated over trivial stuff, but Stripper thinks that Goody and Blondie are on a moral high horse. I’m with her on this, especially when it comes to Blondie who’s done all the same stuff Stripper has, and then some. I guaruntee if it had been Stripper rolling on the floor drunk and crying, the Catties would have had some really bitchy things to say behind her back the next day.

Just like they have really bitchy things to say behind her back now. “I’m sure they’re having a really riveting conversation,” Goody drawls to Blondie. “Yeah, how much do you pay me?” Blondie replies meanly. Goody starts loudly fake laughing, and I am honestly more disgusted by this behavior than the skank-fest in their room the night before.

So, how much do I owe you?

I am thrilled to see Rick James getting a little screen time! Rick hears from his “manager”, someone named Sebastian. He wants to hook Rick up with some hip-hop guy named Sticky Fingaz. You can tell he’s a legit rapper cause of the “z” at the end of his name. And you can tell by his name that he gets killer weed. Well, I’m excited for Rick, it’s nice to see someone else besides Prety chasing a dream, although I doubt anything Rick James does could ever top the crowing glory of The Jacket Move.

Rick heads to a recording studio to meet with Sebastian and Sticky. Sebastian’s a spiky hair blonde guy in a shirt and tie. Rick plays his beats for Sticky, and it goes well! Actually, Rick’s beats are kind of promising. Good for him. Cause I really didn’t see a future in the break dancing.

And back at the house, we’re still on the Goody / Stripper showdown. Goody’s on the phone with her Dad, who sounds more sane than her Mom, and tells her Jesus would say to forgive Stripper, cause she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Stripper’s in the hot tub with Rick James, and wondering why Goody and Blondie can’t accept that everyone’s different.

Rick James, who seems to have seen Goody’s true colors, is on Stripper’s side. He says that he’s sure if she could have picked her roommates, she would have. Well, if she wanted to pick her roommates, she should have stayed home. Seven strangers, remember? It’s only been, oh, twenty seasons of opening credits reminding us.

Stripper asks Rick what her flaws are, and he points out her lack of drive. And she appreciates his honesty. I like these two as besties. It seems like their friendship is something real. As long as she never, ever makes him go back to Philly with her again.

My drive is very active, thank you very much. Ask Goody.

Goody tells her Dad that she doesn’t understand why Stripper knows that she’s screwing up – although I’d call the dalliance with Cheesy more like screwing down – but she does it anyway. Dad explains that it’s just human nature, you need to love people anyway and just pray for them. Goody admits she needs to work on that. “We all do, honey,” her Dad says sweetly. I think I really like Daddy Goody.

And then it’s time for Goody’s requisite trip to church, so she can start forgiving Stripper. It’s okay, she’s doing it in a cute dress. Oh, and the preacher’s gayer than Christmas. Irony, isn’t it delicious?

At home, Rick is reading his emails and he learns that Sticky wants to work with him on his upcoming album! Yay! But record it fast, the Real World shoot doesn’t last forever, and there’s only a 50/50 that Sticky’ll still want Rick in the picture after the cameras stop rolling.

He runs over to Stripper to tell her the good news, and it’s pretty cute that he wants to share with her. But she’s once again molded to the couch, and can barely lift her head to congratulate him. And then he tells her that she has to be excited for him, cause there’s no one else in the house that he trusts to be happy for him, and it’s so sweet – I love these two. And she’s a good girl, and I know she is happy for him, but I wish she could get off her ass and show it.

But she does too. She lies there despondently, and tells us in interview that she’s not doing anything with her music right now. She wants everything to come easy to her, she hates having to figure out what she needs to do to get where she wants to be, and I’m impressed by her self-awareness. I don’t see the Catty Sisters or Dolt thoughtfully considering why they’re sitting on their asses all day. Rick James doesn’t want her to wake up one day and realize she was out in Hollywood, and didn’t take the chances she should have taken. We can all learn from Rick James, and yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds.

Wake up! You’re hurting Jesus’ feelings!

So that night, it’s back at the club with Cheesy Promoter. Stripper would love to remain his friend, but she doesn’t want to date him, cause she needs to worry about herself. When she gets home, she apologizes to Goody, and they make up. Goody says that Stripper isn’t judgmental, she takes you as you are, and Goody thinks she needs to learn from that. And I warm to her slightly, until Stripper hugs her and tells her she loves her, and Goody replies, “I forgive you.”

And we end with Stripper at the pool, talking about how she wants to focus on her music. Her gift wasn’t given to her to just throw it away, she tells us as she jots some lyrics in her notebook. “Touch me inside out,” she writes. Well, it ain’t no Jacket Move. But it’s a start.

Next week, Goody’s mopey boyfriend comes to town, things come to a head with Prety and Rick James takes action. He also wears a blue button down, and doesn’t massacre it with a clashing t-shirt and tie. It’s a good thing, dolls…kisses ’til then!