Welcome back to the Real World Hollywood. This is a hard recap to write. First of all, cause this was far and away, the dumbest episode of the Real World ever. And I mean ever. Also, I’m still getting over American Idol. I have three problems. One, sweet, angelic Archuletta lost. Two, that smug, poser Cook won. And three…well, it’s over. I’m taking it hard, as I do every season. And I’m sorry to start a Real World recap with Idol, but give me an obsession and an audience, and I must opine. And now, back to our regularly scheduled recap.
And now for the real showdown. The battle of the hideous baseball caps.
So, good morning from the Real World house, and guess who’s coming to visit? It’s Goody Sarah’s mopey boyfriend, Ryan! Brianna The Stripper asks for an ETA, and we’re told he’s “on the subway”. Where? Do we have a subway in LA? And is Mopey whipped enough to actually take that subway from LAX to Hollywood instead of making princess get off her ass and into one of their cars to pick him up? Something tells me…yes.
But Goody acts all happy to see him when he gets there. She runs to the front of the house, flings open the temporary fencing door and hugs him. She says she’s happy he’s there, but she’s worried because of “the way Will’s been acting”, she tells us with that lofty look up to the sky that she’s so fond of. Oh, Goody, it must be so hard for you, weathering the storm of everyone being in love with you, when you do nothing ever at all to lead them on. Someone fetch me my violin.
When Goody introduces Mopey to Rick James Will, Rick actually points at his buddy who happens to be hanging at the Real World house that day and says, “That’s Will.” What a joker. “He probably has a guilty conscience,” Mopey notes, “Cause I’m ever so intimidating.” Oh, I see Mopey’s game. Keep pointing out what a wuss you are so no one makes fun of you for it. Nice try, but you gotta wake up pretty early in the morning to fool CB with that self-deprecating routine.
And that night, the group heads to a sushi restaurant in a strip mall. Fabulous. Goody and Rick James get into a burping contest at the dinner table. Even more fabulous. And Blondie Kim finds it a bit odd that they burping banter is happening right in front of Mopey.
Back at the house, Rick James is over-compensating and showing off by having the best time ever with the other girls! He flips Stripper over his shoulder, he humps Blondie on the couch – see Mopey? He doesn’t care about your girlfriend at all. Got that?
Prety Greg comes home from whatever D-list modeling show he’s been stalking that night, and breaks up Goody and Mopey’s cuddle session cause he just had to meet this “special guy”. At first it seems nice, but then he starts making all these exaggerated comments about how happy he is that they’re in love, and how it’s so sweet. Dripping sarcasm – noted.
Back in the rest of the house, Dave Dolt is running around the house naked. Except for some combat boots. This moron is so impressed with himself, and the rest of the group just eggs it on. Then some guests arrive, more girls of course. Dolt greets them with a fake fire hydrant covering his privates, and a speech about how their house is so eco-friendly, they don’t wear clothes. More like idiot-friendly.
No one cares what’s on your thumb drive.
And of course Blondie the hater has to pipe in to tell us that the visitors are “trashy whores, and I’m not used to trashy whores running around the house.” Why is this her go-to insult? Not saying it’s not true, but it’s the Supercut calling Fantastic Sams cheap, you know?
And she proves it, by inviting Dolt into the shower with her. That’s an alpha ho for ya. But as Dolt struts his five-foot tall self off to the showers, Prety stops him to offer him one of the visiting hos. “That’s all you, bro – I’m taking her friend. Go handle that!” he instructs Dolt.
So Dolt goes prancing back to the visiting hos, like a confused little puppy being tempted by a new kind of treat. He introduces himself as “Rooster, a.k.a. Cock – nice to meet you.” Followed by him inviting one of the visiting hos to a more private location. “Come on honey, I don’t play around, it’s go or no,” he postures like he’s Tommy Lee in 1987.
Please tell me this ho is going to tell Dolt to buzz off…but no. Intoxicated by the glamour of the Real World house, she and her slutty friend take him up on the offer, and immediately get naked in the hot tub. Meanwhile, jilted Blondie showers alone, with Rick James standing outside begging her to go back to Dolt. “Obviously, Kim is not going to just brush this off,” he explains. Well, not right away, but she’s proven herself desperate enough to let him back in her bed eventually. Like tomorrow night.
Which one of these delights would you like to mother your children?
And back in the hot tub room, the two “porn stars” are making out…and giving the Stripper attitude. “Oh, heeeeellllll no’s” abound, the porn girls call Stripper a “gangster”, she talks shit on them to Blondie and Goody, and just for one night, she is an honorary Catty Sister.
The Stripper makes a big deal about how these uninvited guests must go, and hypocritical much? Wasn’t it she making a fuss just last week (or last night, in Real World time) when the roommates wanted her guest, Cheesy Promoter JoJo to hit the pavement?
“LA whores!” Stripper yells at the visiting hos, and now Prety’s upset. He storms out of the hot tub, and he gets into it with Stripper. I would love to recount what’s said, but it’s mostly bleeped out. The one part I did catch, and it made me laugh, was when Stripper yelled at Prety, “I hope you get herpes from her!” and Prety replies in frustration, “You won’t let me!”
Only Philly hos allowed.
And then Goody’s involved. This fight is like a contagious disease. Apparently, Prety slammed her door, and she and Mopey are trying to sleep. He sits outside her room, talking shit and insults on her and her boyfriend, until Goody stalks out and now she’s in Prety’s face. Rick James sits there laughing his ass off.
Mopey comes out and defends his girl’s honor – oh sorry, I mean holds her arms back from hitting Prety and looking down. Whatta man. And I guess he really wasn’t kidding about being a total wimp. Until she flounces away, and he politely requests that Prety please not call his girlfriend a bitch. Actually, Mopey is pretty mature and rational, but mature and rational have no place in the Real World house.
The next morning, Mopey’s in the car with all three girls, telling them that he was Women’s Studies major in college. Oh, that explains so much. Why would a guy be a Women’s Studies major except to use his “sensitivity” (and by sensitivity, I mean seriously closet case issues) to score chicks? The fight was a very big deal for him, he informs them.
Stripper tells us that Mopey seems like the nicest guy in the world…”a real, live man”. Goody tells us that he’s non-confrontational, and she is, very confrontational, which makes them a good match. Translated: She needs someone to push around, and who better than a male Women’s Studies major?
Oh God please don’t let them hit me.
Later on, Blondie is on the phone with her Mom, giving her the update on Dolt. Only in this version, she and Dolt were merely “cuddling” when he started bring his trashy hos over. He disgusts her with his behavior, “ex-specially” because she holds Dolt to a higher standard than the other guys in the house. Uh, based upon what? The way he forces booze down his recovering alky buddy’s throat? The way he hits on every cheesy camera whore in Hollywood, and then crawls into Blondie’s bed when he gets home? High standards, indeed.
But Blondie sits miserably on the phone room chaise (Chiasso people, I am still awaiting my delivery) while her Mom tells her it’s a growing experience. And all Blondie can wonder is where all the decent people are. Well, if by “decent” you mean hypocritical and judgmental, then decency begins at home, hon.
And on that note, we catch up with Dolt and his girlfriend Trashy Justine from last week. Although, Trashine is sort of growing on me. She’s pretty cute, seems sweet and not at all snowed by Dolt’s lame game. He’s honest with her about the porn girls in the house the night before, but she tells him he owes her no explanation.
Which brings us back to Blondie, who now that she’s been pretty much officially dumped, tells us how he’s not boyfriend material at all, and she could never see herself dating him. Way to spin it, doll. But it gets worse. Now she’s telling Trashine and her pals about all the other girls Dolt’s been with, besides the porn hos. Oh, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Especially one as insecure and petty as this one.
And guess what? She was a trashy whore.
Prety makes the same assessment, and Dolt sits at the kitchen table confounded by the wiles of a jealous girl. But Trashine’s heard enough. “I’m done,” she says, and takes off, with her friend in tow. Well, we all have our limits, and I guess there’s only so much she’s willing to take for a little ancillary Real World pseudo-fame. This girl actually seems to have her head on straight, and I’m all for anyone who makes a fool of Dolt. Not like it’s that hard, but so few of these gals seem to be taking the opportunity.
Dolt’s sad. He really liked Trashine. And he’s absolutely furious with Blondie. Now I really, really, really hate to side with Dolt, but he has every right. Blondie was playing a very dangerous game, with her whole, “we’re just hooking up, no strings attached” mantra. You have to mean that, or it’s never gonna work. But this one’s pretty full of herself, and she really must have believed that he was falling for her anyway. Bottom line, she had no claim on him, and no right to air his dirty (and man, do I mean dirty) laundry to a girl he likes, just because she’s jealous.
Blondie and Goody stand behind a wall eavesdropping on Dolt as he laments the loss of his true love, Trashine. Prety tries to console Dolt by telling him that she wasn’t that hot anyway. I’m not sure if he was trying to make Dolt feel better, or just being an asshole, but Rick James is going with the latter. And honestly, Trashine was hotter than the girl Prety’s got sitting next to him.
Now these two are getting into it, with Dolt hurling insults about “the chosen one”, and “what are you gonna do now, call me a peasant?” How did this get twisted into Prety’s fault? Prety, to his credit, doesn’t dignify Dolt’s nonsensical rant with a response. And Dolt carries on and on about how if he were anywhere else, he’d knock Prety out. Now, now, little man.
If I had a ladder and a bat you’d be in big trouble, mister! Big trouble!
And then it’s time for the next crisis. Boy, it’s one after another on this one. It’s the Stripper having a one on one with Prety’s “associate”, a girl named Reva, with some very unfortunate looking bangs. She’s telling Reva to “make her own decisions” about Prety. Um, subtle. No hidden meaning there.
And Prety is annoyed. “Why is she talking to the females in this house? They don’t offer anything,” he whines. Then he takes Reva outside to forbid her from talking to the other girls in the house. Hmmm, must have caught that nasty insecurity bug from Blondie.
“You’ll be immersed in drama,” Prety warns. But I’m just hearing, Reva argues, I don’t have to believe anything. Oh, come on. If you’re in someone’s house, as their guest, and that person’s roommates started speaking ill of them to you, the polite thing to do is walk away. And Prety echoes the sentiment by telling her, “Well, if you want to talk to Bree, than next time you can come here as her guest.” Well played, Prety. This mush mouth isn’t gonna give up her precious slot as Real World house visitor so easily.
Only problem with all this is that Bri would make out with her too, so technically she could come back as Bri’s guest.
After Prety bids Reva farewell, we join Rick James and the Stripper poolside, as they talk about how much they hate Prety. Rick James tells us he’s not a “real man”. Says you, who showed up to the Real World awards in spandex bicycle shorts. Naturally, Prety overhears, and confronts Stripper. She doesn’t understand why it was necessary for Prety to tell Reva not to talk to Stripper. Well, sure. Why wouldn’t he want his roommates saying bad things about him to his girl? Oops, sorry, I meant “associate”.
“She confides in Bree,” Rick James explains to Prety. Oh please, they only met a day ago, now the Stripper’s Reva’s confessor? Rick James continues by telling Prety that his “credibility is at the bottom of this pool with my stanky ass socks.” Wait, why is he throwing his smelly socks in the pool? What does Rick James have against a washing machine?
And the Stripper continues her journey on the logic train with the assessment that “you have no brain, cause you’re an asshole.” Talk about cause and effect. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not siding with Prety, I’m not siding with anyone, cause I think they’re all bunch of dopes, but it does seem that they’re all somewhat unfairly ganging up on Prety.
Until this. “Why am I happy right now? Cause I’m on bad terms with every single roommate,” Prety tells us, fake gleefully. Who buys that? Then he tells us he’s a diamond, and diamonds don’t crack, they cut. Whatever.
Too bad your earring can’t say the same.
Next day, it’s time for a trip to Victoria’s Secret with the girls. Mall underwear. Ooh, fancy. But soon after the arrive home…Goody’s new, fancy panties go missing! Goody wanders around the house, trying to figure out what happened. We are reminded of all the mysterious goings on in the house – the bloody thing in Dolt’s bed, the rocks in Rick James’ bed – and it isn’t long before the blame is shifted to Prety.
Goody confronts him, but Prety denies it. Then Mopey (oh, he’s still here?) gets involved. “Yo, man, what’s the deal, man?” asks the tough guy. Prety continues to deny it, and says that Goody is bothered by a number of other things, and now she’s just trying to agitate him.
Goody gets on the phone with her parents, and tells them the news of the missing underwear, complete with a dramatic pause before she declares, “Gone!” Her Mom asks who took them, and I’m shocked that she doesn’t immediately assume Stripper. Goody tells them it’s Prety, and her poor, suffering parents try and tell her that maybe it was just a joke.
But Goody’s in super drama mode, and now she’s talking about how she can no longer live in that house. Yeah, right. Her parents have pretty much the same reaction. Her Dad tells her she’s tougher than that, then he wraps it up with some Bible quote. But Goody doesn’t want to hear it.
Jesus was a big prankster too, hon. Now go bathe yourself in him.
The whole time she’s on the phone, Prety sits despondently outside. At first I thought he was bummed about the accusations, but no, apparently he was just waiting for his turn to use the phone. And as soon as Goody realizes it, she refuses to hang the phone up. Prety tries to tell her he’s trying to make phone calls to make plans for the evening, but she won’t give it up. Poor Mopey sits beside her telling her she’s better than that, to which she replies, “Not tonight I’m not.” Then she hangs up on someone who calls for Prety.
And guess who Blondie’s siding with? “Greg pushes Sarah to a certain point, and all she cares about is sinking to his level,” she explains. See, it’s all Prety’s fault. “I just hate not being able to trust the people who I live with…with my stuff,” she says, punctuated by many, many of her patented looks heavenward. All kidding aside though, living with a thief really is really not cool.
She and Mopey head out to dinner, and he tries to console her as she continues the charade of considering leaving the Real World house. But she thinks of what her Dad said about there being a purpose for her being there, a purpose bigger than what she can understand. Uh, I don’t remember that part of Daddy’s advice, but when the world so obviously revolves around you, it must be very easy to believe that it’s all part of a greater purpose. Probably cause Goody’s secretly Jesus. She’s perfect, you know.
Back at the house…it’s confession time. Rick James and Prety are in the kitchen as Prety makes a sandwich of what looks like some very gloppy egg salad. And then, Prety cops to putting the rocks in Rick’s bed. But he did not take the panties, he emphatically declares. Poor Rick James doesn’t know what to believe. But he graces our screen with his dreadlocked ‘do pulled away from his face, and I am once again left to wonder why such an attractive guy would ruin himself with that ridiculous hair.
And then it’s time for Mopey to go back where he came from. As a reward for his good behavior in being a supportive boyfriend, Mopey earns an actual ride to the airport. He and Goody exchange “I love you’s” and chaste kisses goodbye. And then, it’s farewell to Mopey. I doubt we’ll see him again, except for the teary conversation after Goody inevitably hooks up with Rick James.
This was fun. I’ll be sure to come back real soon.
Once she gets home, Goody and the Stripper are commiserating on the Case of the Missing Panties. The Stripper tells us it’s common knowledge that Prety is the culprit, so she decides to go search his room. But she turns up nothing.
But later that night…it’s confession time again. And this time, oh, I’m sorry I’m completely distracted by Rick James’s white sweatband. What? Why? But back to the confession – Prety is now admitting to stealing the panties. Because Goody agitates him. And Rick James feels like a fool for trying to be his friend, and ever giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Rick James is frustrated, and he comes home and starts punching walls. Poor guy. He tried to be nice to Prety, he got hoodwinked, and now he’s stuck in the middle of the damn Panty Caper. He takes Prety aside and begs him to just return the panties. “I don’t want conflict with William,” Prety tells us sadly. What happened to ten minutes ago, when you were so thrilled to be on bad terms with every person in the house? Is Prety just confused and insecure, or a complete sociopath?
Next morning, the sun is shining, and the panties have been returned. Goody shares the good news with Rick James, who tells her the truth about Prety having stolen them in the first place. Then, he tells us that he no longer cares about chasing after Goody, he just wants to look out for her. And he goes up a notch in her book, Goody informs us. A whole entire notch? Wow!
That night, they’re out at the club and Dolt is once again carrying on about how he wants to “kick the shit out of him”, meaning Prety. But the best part of this scene is the top view of Dolt’s head, which is nearly bald. I don’t have a problem with it, I find bald sexy, but you know for an egomaniac like Dolt, losing his hair is on par with losing his penis.
And Rick James is looking good! He’s in a light blue button down shirt, and miraculously, there is no tacky t-shirt over it. Keep it up, Rick! While Dolt tells Prety that he just wants to forget all the drama in the house, drink and have a good time, Rick James is putting the moves on Greg’s “associate”, Reva. Or maybe the other way around. Either way, Rick James tells us that word around the house is that Reva has a crush on him! And given Prety’s behavior…Rick’s got revenge on the mind.
No, actually. I really like guys in sweat bands.
Reva complains and complains to Rick about Prety, and how mad he makes her, but instead of just breaking up with the guy, she kisses his roommate instead. Or maybe the other way around. Either way, Rick James and Reva swap spit. Part of me says oh, that’s shitty, but the other part of me says they’re all shitty, and who even cares anymore. I can tell you one thing. David Archuletta would never behave this way. Never.
The next day, Reva calls the house, worried that her kiss may have cost her the coveted pass into the Real World house. Heaven forbid. Prety is upset about the kiss, upset at “William”, but he invites Reva over anyway. She joyously accepts. Whew. Close one.
When she gets there, Blondie informs us that despite the fact that she’s supposed to be Greg’s “associate”, she’s got the hots for Rick James. He’s all she ever talks about, she always wants to know where he is, and carries on and on about how she wants to make out with him. This Reva seems like a real class act.
She sits with the Catty Sisters, and lets them imbue her with their Prety-angst. “Nobody in the house likes him,” she is informed. Got that, independent thinker? Prety’s not cool, and if you’re with him, you’re not cool either, so what’s it gonna be, Reva? Are you cool? Although, at the same time, Prety’s whooping it up in the hot tub with a blonde in a red bikini, so I guess he doesn’t have too much to complain about.
Blondie and Goody plot and scheme to get Reva and Rick alone together, and their plan works. Rick and Reva escape up to the confessional, while Prety wanders about the house looking for them. He opens the door to the confessional, and then slams it shut when he sees them. Prety tells us that he’s never had another guy try to move in on a female that he’s “associating with” and it’s “breaking his soul apart.” Is this dude for real? Is this show for real? And am I really up at 2 am recapping it?
Hey! I’m just here for a haircut.
Prety confides his heartache to the Stripper as they sit around the Jacuzzi. And then Reva comes out from her dalliance in the confessional with Rick James and flat out lies to Prety about what happened. “He tried, but I told him I like Greg,” she insists, wrapped up in a blanket. I didn’t think it was possible for me to like anyone less than these roommates, but Reva’s proving me wrong. I don’t even like her enough to nickname her, and that’s saying a lot. Ohhh..maybe that’s a little harsh. I nickname everyone. How ’bout Ugly Whiney Liar?
Anyway, Prety buys her story, but the Stripper does not. “Tell the truth…” she encourages, but no dice. And when Rick James goes to commiserate with the Catty Sisters, he spills that there was some very sexual behavior going on in that confessional when Prety walked in. And he wants Prety to know that something was going on, but he wants him be left to wonder what it was. Better clue Ugly Whiney Liar in on that plan, Rick, she’s still busy denying it.
And stupid Prety believes her! “My rational mind is like, why would she lie about it?” he says. And then he actually apologizes to her for being paranoid! Blondie finds it “comical”. And how come Reva’s not a trashy ho? She’s way sluttier than Trashine was. Love those double standards, babe. Never change.
And that wraps up this absolutely ridiculous episode of the Real World. I don’t know if I’m more embarrassed for these loser cast members for participating in it, or myself for not only watching, but writing about it. Well, next week the drama continues. There’s hell to pay for Prety’s pranks, and also for his dirty dishes, and Rick James loses it. Kisses ’til then…