Real World Hollywood: Dawg Pile

Hello and welcome back to more Real World Hollywood. I didn’t know if I could take any more, after last week, but I suffered through. Actually, this week wasn’t as bad. And there was almost an orgy. Bet that got your attention!

Just in case you wanted to lose your appetite. It’s the ChickBomb diet. You’re welcome.

It’s evening time in the Real World house and Prety Greg’s cookin’ up a storm for his cousin and his friends, a meal that’s either French toast sticks or hot dogs. I can’t tell. Rick James Will tells us that Prety has to “remain the cocky tough guy who can never do wrong”. Prety tells us that this dude has tried to get with his girl. Who’s right? Will there be a dance off? Rick’s already got the hair for it.

And dumbass Prety is still believing Ugly Slutty Liar Reva (I know it was Ugly Whiney Liar, but I felt like changing it) about the whole, entire kissing and / or sex thing being Rick James’ fault. He’s so mad at Rick James, feels like he’s a snake in the grass.

Then Blondie Kim and Goody Sarah enter the house and are immediately disgusted by Prety’s mess of French toast sticks or hot dog residue in the kitchen. And it isn’t long before Dolt joins the “Greg makes a mess!” brigade. Although it is pretty disgusting, if I must be honest. But must I? Whatever, since they happen to be right about this, I’ll just call Blondie out for her fake Miu Miu bag.

Prety rule #1: Never let a dude come in your face.

We get a close up of the garbage, and then Blondie writes a note to Prety about the mess. Signed, Dave, Kim and Sarah. Just in case anyone didn’t know, they’re a team. They’re on one side, and Prety is an island. All by himself. They’ll be having some DaveKimSarah t-shirts made up pretty soon. Prety responds with: “Dear Kim and Sarah, Fuck you.” I don’t care if they actually had a point. Prety is saying exactly what I’m thinking about them most of the time, and for that alone, I love him.

More close ups of dirty dishes, and then the Catty Sisters discover that Prety has messed with their toothbrushes. Okay, ew. But they’re Goody, Blondie and Dolt’s, so whatever. Carry on, Prety.

Dolt decides the best revenge for Prety’s dirty dishes is to throw them in the trash. Cause then no one will have dishes, and that’s what’s important. Dolt totally gets it. He proudly recounts his actions to Rick James articulating that if those dishes reappear in the kitchen unwashed, he’s just going to bring them back outside. That’ll show him!

Anyway, Rick James tells us that Prety is rude to them, he plays pranks on them…no one believes in Prety, and no one trusts in him. Well, I trust in him. I trust in him to create the house drama! Do the rest of ‘em think the whole Goody/Rick James/Dolt/Blondie love rectangle is actually interesting?

Even the fish is bored.

Rick James gets on the phone with his Dad to complain about Evil Prety. Dad tells him it’s a “temporary situation, and this too shall pass.” How did such rational parents raise such idiotic Real Worlders? Anyway, Rick James mentions that despite meditation, he’s got lots of anger that just sits there inside of him. Foreshadowing? I hope so!

Then we cut to Rick punching the crap out of Joey Meathead’s old punching bag to the tune of some tribal sounding drumming while Prety stands there watching. Foreshadowing? Most definitely!

While Rick’s expelling his anger, and Prety’s standing around watching, Dolt is sitting like a king on his blow up throne in the swimming pool. Dolt’s the man. He yells at Prety for the dirty dishes, and now the dirty toothbrushes.

Prety appears on camera to tell us each toothbrush’s journey. Blondie’s toothbrush hit the countertop, the inside of the sink, the bottom of his sandals, and finally, the floor. Goody’s brush hits all the same places. Meanwhile, King Dolt on his plastic orange throne is yelling about how we’d “best believe” that if Prety’s antics continue, there will be “Hurricane Dave”. I’m not worried.

A five-foot tall hurricane with a Karate Kid bandana is more like a light tropical storm.

We next catch up with Blondie greeting guests at the front of the temporary fencing, screeching at the top of her lungs! Her parents? Her bestie? A boyfriend? Noooo…her dogs. They proceed to shit all over the place. And guess what? Goody’s got company too! It’s her family. Yay! Hope they brought bibles!

Actually, they brought a brother in law working a Ron Jeremy style haircut and mustache. But the brother in law, anxious for a little screen as an entrée to some kind of porn, tries to smooth things over between Goody and Prety. Just make up, then go have some sex, his eyes say! Goody accuses Prety of stealing her stuff and Prety accuses Goody of “cock-blocking”. Nicely articulated.

Rick James says that Prety tells lie after lie to cover things up. Then he stumbles into the room to point out some holes in the wall that were allegedly Prety’s fault as well. Rick accuses Prety of being scared of him. And now he’s really starting to lose it. I’m not really sure what Rick’s problem is, as far as I can tell, besides the rocks in his bed, Prety hasn’t done anything to him! Rick’s the one who was doing it with Prety’s girl.

No one’s denying that Prety’s antics are ridiculously annoying, but it’s starting to seem like these roomies are taking all the anger and aggression they have in life in general and spewing it onto Prety. Dolt raises his hands to the sky, a la Goody, and yells that he’s never seen a man who never stood up for himself. And if there were ever a judge of a “real man”, it’s certainly Dolt himself. I can’t blame Prety. I would bother explaining, justifying or denying to these jackasses either. I’d just keep the drama coming.

Oh, and there’s Stripper! Hi honey! She’s trying to diffuse the argument, but it’s gone past the point of no return. Rick James and Dolt are yelling and screaming, waving their hands in Prety’s face, punching walls…please don’t tell me all this aggression is attributed solely to Prety.

Stripper surrender.

And Rick James really loses control. He punches walls, air punches Prety’s face and now he’s throwing stuff at him! He’s yelling that Prety is gay, and that Prety’s reluctance to “stand up for himself” is what caused his Dad to die. Oh, Rick James. That was low. The Stripper thinks so too. She’s surprised that Rick’s stooped to this level. Prety gets his ass on the production phone and reports him. Man, this production phone’s getting quite a workout here in Hollywood. Will we see the return of the producer better known as Public Golf Course?

No, this time it’s a blonde girl we’ll call LL Bean. She pulls Rick James out of the house and tells him he needs to be “removed from the situation” for the night. For the night, I note. Hey, we’ve already got one roomie in rehab, I don’t think the show could survive another departure of one of the remaining likeable ones. Rick shuffles into the kitchen and apologizes to Goody and Sarah for his outburst.

Problem is, he explains, he was always getting picked on growing up. For caring about school. For doing the right thing. And he’s not going to allow that to happen to other people now who can’t defend themselves! Oh, Saint Rick James. Patron Saint of Ugly Hair and Defender of Catty Bitches who are most definitely capable of defending themselves.

But Rick’s out, at least for the night, and he’s off with his tiny backpack slung over his shoulder like an early eighties hobo. He hugs everyone goodbye, and wise, wise Dolt tells us he doesn’t think Rick’s coming back.

Oh great. You’ve made Stripper go fetal. Thanks.

Everyone’s sad. Dolt really hopes Rick James doesn’t go. He knows Rick crossed the line, but he doesn’t want his new bud to go. The Stripper feels for Prety, and she tells him so. She thinks Rick James said a lot of hurtful things. The Stripper is my favorite right now. What a sweetie.

Then Dolt gets on the phone with his Mom, and calls Prety a “kid” about thirty-seven times. Dolt’s a big boy, you know. An official grown-up…who’s sobbing away to his Mommy on the phone right now. Separation Anxiety Mommy tells him to just come home. Way to encourage a quitter. Excellent parenting.

“Maybe I’m not as tough as I want people to think I am,” Dolt concedes to us. Wow. Thanks for the confession. Your tough guy act totally had me fooled. But then he goes to Prety and tells him he doesn’t hate him, he just gets frustrated with him. Well, that was actually a nice way to put it. Remember when Dolt lead the team in the Meathead intervention? There’s a pretty okay guy in there, I just can’t see why he insists on acting like such a jackass most of the time.

And Prety listens with his head down. Here’s the thing. Prety’s socially retarded. He’s desperately afraid that people aren’t going to like him, so he puts on a show about how he wants people to hate him and then he makes them hate him, so he never has to deal with anyone actually getting to know him and hating him. Which is a personality that makes for great reality television drama.

Go drink some pink wine and forget about it.

Anyway, Dolt says that he had no business getting involved in the fight in the first place, and Prety puts forth that they shouldn’t be having dumb fights in the first place. Dolt admits that he must have some residual anger toward Prety, but he’s not sure why. I can tell you exactly why, it was an infection from the Cattys. It’s airborne, like ebola.

“I don’t like it when you call me a peasant though,” he tells Prety. Prety agrees to cut it out, and declares that there shouldn’t be any more conflict between he and Dolt.

And then it’s time for the return of Rick James! He comes back with his hobo backpack, and everyone is happy to see him. Goody has already officially absolved him of what he said to Prety – Prety pushed him and that’s what Jesus would say and therefore it’s not Rick James’ fault. Also if he leaves, there will be no one to feed Goody’s better-than-yours ego and, that’s one hungry bitch.

Dolt takes the lead of the meeting. He admits acting pretty damn childish about Prety – he says that if he has a problem with Prety, he’s taking it to the rest of the house instead of Prety himself, and he’s not going to do that anymore. Self examination and adjustment? Are we still in the Real World?

Rick James says he’s been nice to everyone in the house, and he’s tried to have Prety’s back when no one else did, but Prety’s violated the trust so many times, that he thinks he’ll never trust him. Then Goody chimes in to ask Prety what can be done? He says he won’t do any more pranks. “And as for William,” he continues, “I’d rather talk to him one on one.”

They head outside, and Prety tells Rick James that he is not the victim in the situation. Then he accuses him of hitting on the Ugly Slutty Liar. Rick James doesn’t want to hear it. He says it’s going nowhere and does a big Goody-esque performance about how he just can not possibly speak to Prety for one more minute. Get a grip, Rick.

Why don’t guys hit on us? EVER?

The next day, the phone’s ringing and it’s Meathead! Blondie picks up the phone and she’s thrilled to hear from the little alky. They all miss each other, blah, blah, blah. They’re going to visit him, and she can’t wait, she tells him mustering up as much enthusiasm for the event as she can while painting her nails.

Meathead wants to know about the drama in the house, and Blondie fills him in on the situation with Prety and Dolt. Speaking of, Goody thinks that Dolt and Rick James need anger management. Dolt thinks he doesn’t think he’s angry, he just thinks he’s just got a dose of “healthy man-ness”.

He laments that it’s not olden times, when everyone carried around a gun, and if “someone looked at ya the wrong way, ya shot ‘em,”. Ah, those were manlier times indeed. He wants to be a cowboy and carry around bows and arrows and shit. But he doesn’t have an anger problem.

Rick James is going to anger management too, but he’s not taking it very seriously either. It’s going to be him and Dolt, and Rick James is going to give one-word answers. But during his meeting, Shannon, the anger management counselor in a fruity peach shirt and tie combination, manages to get to Dolt and they seem to resolve some of Dolt’s Mr. Big Pants issues.

Little Caesar Complex

That night, Dolt and Blondie talk about Meathead coming home. Dolt wants to research fun, non-alcoholic things to do, like bowling. They head off to Pasadena to visit Meat. And there he sits, hair as spiky as ever, waiting like a little kid. They all give big hugs hello, and then he wants gossip, but they don’t give him much.

Meat educates the group about rehab. Alcoholism’s a disease. He’s flipped the proverbial light switch, he says! He tells them he can’t get into the party scene, and if that’s the only option, then he’ll need to go home. All the girls are supportive. Dolt humps him a bit.

The Stripper sobs and sits on his lap. She thinks he’s in a better place. He’s not dead, sweetheart. Rick James says he’s holding his head up, and they’re ready to make changes to accommodate Meat when he gets home.

But…that night, Stripper informs everyone that while they’re out there in Hollywood, she plans on going out and partying. Dolt informs the group that he’s actually spoken to Meathead about it, and it’s totally cool with him if Dolt and the group still want to go out. This concerns Goody, of course.

That night, everyone goes out and gets crazy and drunk, except Goody. Blondie makes out with some random in the bar. Whoa, hold the phone! Didn’t she tell us recently that Dolt trying to make out with her in the bar made her feel like trash? How is this guy different? Oh yeah, cause she’s plastered.

Yeah, your nose is hot. MMMMM let me suck that nose.

When she gets home, she goes flying into the hot tub naked! Where are the decent people? All the other roommates land in the hot tub with her, and then Rick James notices the only one missing is Goody, who coincidentally, is also the only one not stupid drunk. Goody lies in bed with her princess sleep mask and Rick James slips and slides out of the hot tub and to her room. Then he falls on his ass in the hallway. It’s quite hilarious.

They all end up naked in Goody’s bed. She doesn’t like it. She’s trying to sleep. It’s okay with Blondie, she thinks Goody’s just sweet. Sure, til she passes judgment on you tomorrow morning, then we’ll see how sweet you think she is.

But tomorrow’s tomorrow and tonight’s tonight, so the other five roomies jump back in the hot tub for some action. First Stripper and Prety make out. The Blondie and Prety. Then Blondie and Dolt. Oh wow. Is this going to turn into an orgy? Then it’s Stripper and Cheesy Promoter JoJo the HoHo – of course he manages to get in on the group make out session, is anyone surprised?

Then Stripper and Dolt make out. Then Ugly Slutty Liar – no surprise that she made her way into the hot tub either – with Cheesy Promoter…ewwwww. Then Ugly Slutty with Rick James.

Who Would Jesus Do?

Blondie sits on the confessional chair, naked, and tells the camera to look at her! Cause this is everything she never wanted to be! Blondie’s coke addiction can’t be far away. I’m just waiting. She had a really good time with her roommates that night, she tells us.

Later that night, Prety forgives Rick James for kissing Ugly Slutty, and tells him it’s over with. Rick James could care less, considering I don’t think he ever bothered apologizing for kissing (and more!) Ugly Slutty in the first place.

Ugly Slutty sits by looking ugly and slutty. Prety is now desperately telling Rick James that if he wanted to make out with her right this minute, he wouldn’t care. Ugly Slutty looks flattered at being pimped out.

But Rick James says talking with Prety is like talking to a four year old. Which may be right. He also says that Prety always seems to have his “heart to hearts” at five a.m. when he’s stone cold drunk. So Rick James just has to walk away. Prety notes that while he’s trying to put Rick James in his inner circle, Rick just doesn’t want to be there.

The next day it’s time for Rick James’ trip to anger management. Today, Shannon is decked out in a candy cane striped tie. This guy’s dapper. Rick James thinks his anger is normal. Shannon explains emotional intelligence, and Rick James talks about musical theory. Huh?

Lighten up. It’s not Oz.

Rick admits to having said rude and disgusting things to Prety. Now if he could only admit it to Prety’s face, I think. And then, it’s time for improv class. Today, we are graced not only with Charna, but also some dude named Miles, who’s dressed like a lumberjack.

They’re going to do “scene work”. Heaven help us. Prety and Rick James have a fight about clown school. Crazy! Funny! Lumberjack Miles gives lame feedback. Later that day, an addiction specialist is coming to the house to give the roomies the post-rehab rules. Hot tub orgies, anger management, improv class, addiction specialists, this group is busy busy! Anyway, the addiction lady wants to know if they have any questions.

Dolt wants to know what Meat’s “red flags” are, cause he still wants to go out and party. Goody thinks that they’re just going to have to suck it up and not drink in the house or go out every night, but I have a feeling no one else is buying this idea. The addiction lady asks them if they’re considered alternate activities.

Ummmmm….heroin?

Stripper says they’re going to go horseback riding and to the shooting range to take Meat’s mind of booze and coke. I can not thinking of anything duller to watch. They can’t go to a club with him and drink around him, the addiction lady informs them, and at this news, Prety and Dolt look downright annoyed.

Dolt wanted to wait til she left to have the “real” rules talk. He doesn’t think they party that much, so basically, there’s nothing to tone down. Goody interrupts him at one point and he cuts her off with a “Hold on, I’m talking, thanks”, which I kind of liked cause it was directed at her. The Stripper also agrees that they shouldn’t curtail their partying.

Goody is frustrated feeling like nothing’s changed. Hollywood’s immersed in red flags, she tells us. Well, I guess we’ll find out next week, when Meathead returns! Also, we check in with Prety’s super fabulous modeling career. Work. Til then…

But I want my pink wiiiiiiinnneee!!!!