Real World Hollywood: You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

This week on the Real World Hollywood, we get two new roommates, and we find out how important and famous the current roommates really are. We have many cameos from Real Worlders past, but you’ll have to keep reading to see who. I don’t want to ruin it for you. It’s that huge.

It’s not the police, Bri. Calm down.

It’s nighttime in Hollywood, there’s new roommates coming, and Blondie Kim wants a football player. You know Dave Dolt wants a cheerleader. That’s why these two are perfect together. But Janelle – oh, that’s right, Key West Janelle successfully has implanted herself as at least the unofficial new roommate – and Janelle doesn’t like the idea of a new roommate at all.

“So you two are fine with two new people just coming into your space like that?” Janelle queries Dolt and Rick James Will. Classic Janelle, trying to bring in some drama (after all, she is a senior Real Worldie) but too immensely stupid to make it remotely interesting. But Dolt and Rick James nod thoughtfully anyway.

“I want a whore!” yells Brianna the Stripper, “I want a slut!” Loves it, doll, I do too! Give us something to make fun of, I’m bored with you and your meth. Blondie wants a “good ‘ol southern boy”. Why hasn’t she met any guys in LA who like to drive their pickup trucks, drink SoCo and come home at night to their women and their belt? Where are the decent people?

“It could be a girl and a guy,” wise, wise Janelle tells the boys inside. Rick James jumps on his bed possessively. Bottom line, no one knows what they’re gonna get, and Dolt advises us that clearly the best course of action is to move Rick James into his room, for safety purposes. No one knows who these new people are, or where they’ve come from. Unlike Dolt, who is world-renowned. And also because “In case we don’t like them, at least they’re down the hall, away from us.” Dolt explains. I hope he has an official meeting about it, where everyone can officially cast their Like / Don’t Like vote.

I’m just hoping it’s not another guy who wears gold lame t-shirts.

And Stripper’s sticking to her wishes. She really wants a whore. Someone who will sleep with everyone in the house, she adds. Dolt will sleep with anyone, she basically tells Blondie, which was priceless, and Rick James would cheat on Janelle. “No,” says Blondie firmly, “Will won’t cheat on Janelle. I won’t let him.” This means Will is going to be cheating on Janelle.

So we see a little bit of the Rick James and Janelle love story. After all the drama with Prety Greg and Meathead Joey – and how I miss the dopey lug already. I’d love to hear about how much anxiety the new roommate would bring, and how it would be all the new roomie’s fault for making him want to drink. Anyway, after all that crap, Rick is just looking forward to spending as much time with Janelle as possible. They go out to dinner, and Janelle teaches Rick James how to use chopsticks, because she is very sophisticated and worldly.

But they look like they’re having fun. They dance on a star on the walk of fame. They walk and eat ice cream and laugh. The lyrics to the background music go, “I think I’m falling in love”, just in case anyone didn’t get it. And Rick James himself tells us how ridiculously bad he’s got it for her. Oh, he is sooooo cheating on Janelle.

The next morning, they head over to the Improv Olympics to rehearse for that night’s show. They sit in a circle and eat chips, while Charna catches up. Meat’s gone, she confirms. Rick James tells her he’s meeting a lot of people in the industry. Important people in the industry, he adds. Oh, well. Excuuuuuuse us. Blondie says that Rick has a girlfriend. Charna wants deets, but Rick declines. “I don’t like talking about this stuff,” he explains. Like most huge celebrities, Rick chooses to keep his private life private. This is very important to him while he is being filmed and televised on national TV.

All I can say is that I now know how to pick things up with sticks.

Blondie says he’s like a seven-year old kid with a crush. That’s cute. Charna tells the group to promote their show. Dolt says that he thinks this is an area where he can take advantage of his personality. “Maybe the improv route is something that I’d like to pursue,” he muses. Sounds like a plan, Dolt. By the way, when Flippy ran into Dolt a few weeks ago, he learned that Dolt is moving to Philadelphia. LA’s a tough city, babes. But Philly’s close to Ohio. Dolt can be a big fish there.

Back at the house, Janelle calls Rick James and tells him that “Paula, from my season” and two other guys from the Fresh Meat Challenge are going to the Saddle Ranch, do Rick James and Dolt want to come? Janelle really does rock at Personal Relations. “I can get you on the new Real World,” she whispers to the challengers. “I can get you in the inner circle of cool for the challenges,” is the unspoken offer to Rick James. Rick James asks Dolt if he wants to go. “Yeah!” yells the munchkin – another ex-Real Worlder and some Challenge dudes? Dolt’s in the big time now! Oh, and by the way, I love how no girls are invited. Not on Janelle’s watch.

Dolt and Rick head to Saddle Ranch, and are greeted by the challenge guys, who seriously must have wet their pants over the excitement of actually making it onto Real World tape. Ace from Real World Paris is there too, and Dolt tells us that he just has to have a drink with the guy. It’s Ace from the Real World Paris, don’t you get it? This is huge. Huge!

Only problem is, they still have that pesky improv show that night. So as Dolt downs shot after shot after shot, Rick James is getting nervous. He finally manages to get Dolt out of the Saddle Ranch and over to the improv theater. And of course one of the challenge guys tags along. “If this ain’t funny,” he begins, then ends with a string of swear words aimed directly at the camera, as he pretends to not notice the camera at all. Challenge Tool is so very, very, very badass.

Of course you do.

Backstage, Dolt is introduced to some new players in the group, and responds with, “I will forget your names, so let’s just do it another time.” Don’t they know who he is? Dolt doesn’t have time to remember the little peoples’ names. Dolt doesn’t have time for you at all, unless you’re really, really big time, like Ace from the Real World Paris.

Goody Sarah tells us that they new group is really great, and Dolt’s really inebriated so she doesn’t want him to mess things up. Blondie and Rick James tell him to get his act together. Blondie tells us that out of all of them, Dolt really likes improv, so she doesn’t know why he’s gone and gotten himself drunk before a show. Is she kidding? He was drinking with Ace from the Real World Paris! Then he tells Rick James he’ll probably do better cause he’s wasted. That’s right! Alcohol makes everyone funnier.

Blondie tells Dolt that she doesn’t want him to embarrass – “the group?” Dolt interjects, “Don’t worry, I won’t.” No, Blondie corrects him, she just doesn’t want him to embarrass himself. Oh, don’t fret doll, being drunk is just going to make him even funnier than ever!

Stripper is still worried that he’s going to make them all look like asses. They take the stage, and Rick James takes the lead of the show. He asks for suggestions from the audience, which includes Janelle and Ace from the Real World Paris. Wow. Like, wow. Someone suggests prostitution, and Blondie plays the hooker. How fantastic would it have been to see Goody play the hooker?

Then it’s Dolt’s turn to take the stage. He walks out, stands there and just does nothing. Well, he makes a few faces and hand gestures. Then he wanders into the audience and sits down. Oh, Dolt’s drunken comedy is absolutely brilliant. He should perform drunk every time! Rick James tells us that James, the Artistic Director of the Improv Olympics is in the audience and that he doesn’t look happy. Something tells me this guy takes improv very seriously.

Uh oh. You disappointed Ace. Now you have to join him in nowhereness.

After the show, Dolt realizes he was mess. “I was a douchebag,” he admits sadly. He let down his team. He disrespected the IO. He disrespected James and Charna. That’s right, Charna. There will be hell to pay. Oh, and he disrespected himself too. But that’s kind of part of the Real World gig in general, so no biggie. He admits to James that he was drunk onstage and it was a bad idea. James tells him to take the lesson and move on. Dolt offers heartfelt apologies, and James tells him it’s over and they can move on. Oh, but did I mention when Flippy met Dolt he was bar backing at the IO? Move on my ass. He’s still paying. Oh yes, he’s still paying.

Back at the house, Rick James and Dolt think it’s a good idea to prank the new roommate. Rick wants to throw eggs. Dolt wants to be naked. Then they decide to have a big fake fight. Stripper yells something about no new roommate situation in her damn bed, and it’s pretty funny, but then Blondie totally overacts and ruins the whole thing. Stripper runs to the video, and sees what she calls a hot black guy at the gate. They all run outside to meet the new roommate, having their fake fight all the while.

All except Dolt, that is. “For some reason, I just forget about the plan and let in the new roommate,” he tells us slyly, even though the whole plan was his idea. Yeah, you fools have your fake fight, Dolt’s gonna secretly let him in. He’s so smart. The new roommate is Nick, he’s happy to be there. Blah and blah and totally awkward.

Nick is shown to his room, and immediately wants to know if anyone’s “gotten busy” on his bed. Rick James and Dolt assure him no. Dolt asks him what his plans are in Hollywood, and Nick tells us that he wants to be a television host. He thinks he has the personality for it. Thus far, he appears to have the personality of paint drying, but we’ll see.

He must have coke on his shoulder.

Dolt gives him a brief rundown on the story of Prety – “The Chosen One”. Nick tells them he’s bringing in the fresh air, which I thought was kind of sweet, and then Goody walks in. And Goody’s opinion starts with “Well…” punctuated with one of her classic Goody faces. “He seems like a cool guy and all…” gaze heavenward, “But he’s wearing a shirt that says ‘Sorry, I only date blondes’.” Then she tells us that only a “d-bag” – is this prissy jargon for “douchebag”? How quaint – would wear that shirt. Sure, but who cares? If he’s kidding then, dumb, but ha ha, and if he’s not, well then just be happy you’re not blonde, and you’re off the hook.

While Goody’s busy making snap judgments, Stripper’s on the lookout for new roomie number two! Two at once, I like this. Hope they get territorial! And, it is a girl! Everyone is happy, but the group still continues with their dumb fake fight. Blondie’s the one that breaks protocol this time, she opens the gate and meets Brittani with an “i”. Just like in Sydney, Ashli with an “i”! I knew there was something familiar about this!

Anyway, the group clusters around Brittani, and then Rick James comes out and tells us she’s six feet of brown sugar. You know what I think when I look at her? She kind of looks like Janelle. I’m not kidding. Someone in casting’s really enjoying themselves. Stripper thinks Brit’s “cool and down to earth” – translated: okay with the stripping. She tells Brit the two of them can be best friends. Okay Strip, take it easy there. Just play it cool. Let her come to you.

But no. “I heard you were a burlesque dancer!” she yells streaming into Britanni’s space. “Um, no,” Brit shoots her down, “I’m a high fashion model.” Oh boy. Another one. I hope she has a Jacket Move. Actually, she better. I love how she says “high fashion model”, like she’s plucked right out of 1981. Her shirt came with her on the ride.

Since Rick James thinks she’s hot, he does what any kindergartener would do, he runs by her with his pants off. Hahahahahaha! Rick James, you are hilarious! Way to grab her with your wit! And charm! But, actually, it works. Brit follows him right into his room and starts asking him flirtatious questions. Until she’s smacked down by Blondie, who informs her Rick James has a girlfriend. And it turns out, Brit has a boyfriend. Of one and a half months, she says demurely. Oh, please. One and half months versus the Real World house? Save us the drama, sweetie. True to form, she’s already saying how cute Rick’s smile is and how she can “maybe” get into trouble with him.

I sense some smiley face porn in our near future.

That night as they head out, Brittani recounts her prayers that the Real Worlders like to party cause she sooooo needs to party that night. “Please let them like to party, please let them like to party,” was her mantra. Some people pray for the end of hunger, or world peace, but not Brit. She keeps God focused on partying.

Brit and Nick walk arm in arm. They’re united. Dolt retells his story of how he met – oh my God – Ace from the Real World Paris! And got drunk with him! “CT,” offers Brit. “We hear he’s a douche,” Blondie tells her. “Yeah, we hear he’s a douche,” Dolt repeats. And I’ve got to ask, what’s with the word douche? It was very funny when Ari Gold used to say it, but now it’s kind of over. And it seems like everyone in the Real World has to say it a lot. Oh, and how cool are Blondie and Dolt for having the inside info on CT’s douchiness? So cool.

They’re out at the Improv Olympics, and of course Charna’s there to greet the new folks. “Do they know what they’re in for?” Charna chortles. Ah, yes, improv class. Such a grueling and difficult job. But forget about the improv, cause just then Janelle walks in! She assesses the situation like a tiger, walks up to Rick James and starts kissing him. Got that, new girl? Janelle’s called him. You stay away.

Nick tries to get Rick James to stay out with him that night, but Rick’s waaaaay past that sort of thing. “I’ve done this,” he says, with a sigh and a laugh. Listen, Nick? These people have lived. They’ve seen things. They’ve seen rehab. They’ve hung with huge stars like Ace from the Real World Paris. And in Rick James’ case, they’ve seen the horror known as Philadelphia’s Stripper Shantytown. What I’m trying to say, is they’ve seen it all, man. They’re jaded. You’re fresh, new. Take that piece of straw out of your teeth, and live your Hollywood dream.

On the way home, Janelle asks Rick James about the new roommates. “They seem cool, but so did everybody else in the beginning,” he answers, punctuated by a huge burp. Janelle looks grossed out. Then he tells her he doesn’t want to go out and party, he wants to concentrate on his music. And her. Janelle does not look like she’s dying of excitement. They get back to the house, crawl into bed fully clothed and then we cut to the kitchen, where Rick James is saying how exhausted he is. Then she leaves. I don’t think Janelle’s giving him any.

If you get the season extended and my guest role lengthened, maybe.

But she calls back in a few, to report that Nick is on his way back to the house with two chicks. Rick James and Dolt are pleased and impressed. Until they get a look at the chicks. They see a big blonde head, and it’s Meathead’s girl, Shaelee. I think she’s the one who spent the night, and then fell off her chair. And who’s that with her? Oh my, it’s Ugly Slutty Liar, Reva! Prety’s associate. Piggybacking their way back in with newbie Nick! Shameless! Desperate! I am horrified and fascinated.

Dolt and Rick James are totally mean about it, but with girls as lame as this, I don’t have a problem with it at all. They call them “regulars”, and Ugly Slutty takes offense. Please, honey, be grateful, that’s about a billion times nicer than anything I’d say to describe you. Whore.

When Nick finds out the truth about these hos, he literally shoos them out. He walks them to the end of the temporary fencing, less to be polite and more to make sure these sneaky hos actually get off the premises. He gives them both a hug goodbye, but Ugly Slutty Desperate Liar Reva goes in for a slutty, desperate kiss. How nauseating. Who knows were that tongue’s been.

Actually, we do know. Buh bye hoho.

Dolt says that they had thought with Prety and Meat gone, they’d never have to see those girls again. He says they’re clingers. You know I hate to agree with Dolt, but I’m right with him on this one. Those girls were awful. And Nick doesn’t want leftovers, so it looks like they’re gone for good.

The next day, Brit, Nick and Rick James are going for a walk. Janelle’s name comes up, and Nick says she’s gorgeous. Brit wants to know if they’re officially together. Rick James can barely mumble out yes.

It’s Brit’s first day of improv class. Charna’s got a game plan. She has to go back to get the new people caught up, but she wants to mix it up for the oldies. Rick James, having seen the peak of improv success, humbly suggests going back to basics. “Everyone needs to go back to the basics,” Charna informs him. They all get on stage and do some dumb cheer, and a bunch of other silly improv stuff.

Nick and Brit fit right in, they do just as good as everyone else. “Are you playing a trick on me? You’re sure you’ve never done improv before?” Charna encourages. Never, not once, preens Nick. “I feel like I’m being punked!” says Charna. Right, I’m sure the Real World class at the Improv Olympics is at the top of Ashton’s list of trendy spots to play his little tricks.

That night, Brit is literally jumping all over Rick James. He can’t help but notice that she’s attracted to him. “She’s tall and skinny and beautiful,” he muses. And I have to interject – one, she’s so much like Ashli from Sydney it’s creepy. Stealing boyfriends, the whole “i” thing…it’s unnerving. Second of all, I can’t tell if Brit’s all that beautiful. From some angles, she’s a bit horsey. Either way, she’s a less attractive version of Janelle. But it feeds Rick James’ ego, he says.

They go out dancing. Even Rick James, who heaven knows has seen it all, is back in the mix. Stripper doesn’t know what’s going on, but at one point Rick James whispers to her that he likes Brit. Uh oh. On the way home from the club, Stripper finally has a bestie, she and Brit stroll along the streets of Hollywood holding hands. Brit tells Stripper how she’s trying to stay strong cause she’s in a relationship, but – oh what the hell, who are we kidding? And it isn’t long before Stripper spills the beans about Rick James having the hots for her. “If I didn’t have a boyfriend right now…” Brit warns. Again dear, cut the act. Why bother?

Thank God your boyfriend is ok with you lap dancing randoms in bars, or you’d be in troubs.

Back at the house, the flirting continues. Rick chases Brit through the house. He picks her up and smears deodorant all over her. Then they wrestle on the floor. Brit yells, “I hate you, I hate you” as Rick breaks away and she literally clings onto him as he drags her out the door. I love the sophisticated courtship of the Real World.

And were you wondering where Goody was in all of this? Well, she was busy thinking two things, and she’s going to tell us both of them. First, she was mad cause they were being loud and she wanted to sleep. So what else is new. But second, Rick has a girlfriend, so he probably shouldn’t be engaging in any of this. Hey, remember when Rick had a crush on Goody? I’m sure this has nothing to do with the judgmental stance. No, really, I’m sure it doesn’t. Goody would be judging either way.

She and Blondie inform Rick that they’re together on this one, and that he shouldn’t mess up what he has with Janelle. Don’t play innocent victim, they tell him. They Rick tells Brit that he likes her only as a little sister. Brit does not take rejection well. She tells him that Stripper told her otherwise, and then she takes off in a huff. She tells us Rick’s trying to play both sides, and that it isn’t middle school or grade school. She’s right, it’s kindergarten. “It’s still gonna happen,” Blondie tells Goody, “We all know that.” Too right.

Wouldn’t be the first time.

And here’s some big news, Dolt is going to be doing some hosting at the IO! It’s his first big step into Hollywood, he tells us. And, he has experiencing being the host – of college keg parties, that is. But this is the first experience hosting on stage in front of, “I don’t know how many people”. About ten, I’m guessing. Actually, it turns out to be thirty or forty. He stands on stage and claps for himself a lot.

Blondie comes along to support him, which was nice. He tells her how nervous he was and how he wrote everything down that he had to say, which she finds cute. She also finds it cute that it’s an actual job hosting, she always thought someone just got up on stage and said something. Well, it is and they asked him and they didn’t ask you, Blondie. Jealous much?

I guess it’s better than bar backing.

That night, it’s another night out dancing. Brit and Rick are still flirting. She wants to know how come Janelle never comes out with them. He corrects her and tells her that actually, Janelle comes out with him every night. Except the past two. Because now she’s back up north with her parents. Bad timing, Janelle, cause now you’ve got a demoralized ho prancing around your boyfriend’s house.

And then Brit is telling Rick that when he sees her boyfriend, he’ll understand why she never responded to him. “Cause my boyfriend is f*&%#n hot,” she says. Girl, get over yourself! What parallel world is she living in where Rick’s the one accusing her of being in love with him? And yes, it’s definitely the forward facing angle that is unkind to her. The profile is beautiful. She should only model sideways.

Brit’s fake worried that at some point the line might be crossed. But in the next sentence, she says all she does is flirt and she would never do anything more. Then she tells Rick that it “isn’t like that” and she doesn’t want him to think it is. She wants to be friends. Who flirt. This girl is a moron. I want her gone already.

And Rick has decided that enough is enough. He’s tired of her coming at him telling him she knows how much he likes her, and how she likes him too. “I got a girl. Leave me alone,” he says. Boy, sure doesn’t take long for Brit to annoy the hell out of everyone.

They get home and Rick James tells Brit he’s “sprung” over Janelle and he’s off the market. “That sucks,” Brit tells him, all false bravado, although she can’t help but look miserable. Then it twists it into him not being able to be friends with her because he’s too hot for her. You should have played it cooler, new girl. Rick tells us that Brit is dead set on getting him to admit he likes her, and he admits he has an attraction, but I think whatever else was there, she annoyed away.

Shouldn’t have turned your head.

“I just want to grab him by his dreadlocks and tell him ‘I don’t like you, Will,” Brit tells us. Weak sell, honey and no one’s buying. But she brings her case to the other girls, and reports that Rick James had directed her not to speak to him. Well, understandable, he’s a big star and all. Brit tells them how he can’t be friends with me cause he’s too in love with her and that’s hardly her fault. Well, try to live with it, dear. Goody somehow managed to.

“Will is like a child when it comes to girls,” says Blondie. Goody points out the puppy dog face he makes when he messes up with a girl. But they also point out that Rick always plays the innocent victim and makes it look one-sided, which if we all remember from the Ugly Slutty Desperate Liar in the confessional incident, is true. Then they apologize for being on Team Janelle, cause they now think Brit’s a cool girl. Wait, when were teams formed? I missed that part.

The boys head out to Cabo Cantina, and get ready for another big cameo, people, we’re joined by Adam from the Real World Paris! Adam doesn’t get the big buildup that Ace did though. No big surprise. Whiny punk ass is never appreciated. Rick’s pleading his case about how he really loves Janelle. Nick feels like Brit’s being misconstrued. Yes, easy to misunderstand the, “You like me. You know you like me. Admit it. You like me.”

Back at the house, Dolt’s on the phone with a friend of his who’s in town for a stand up comedy show. The friend is trying to get Dolt onstage. “I’m not a comedian,” Dolt disclaims, but for the past few years, his friend’s been trying to get him on stage. Oh, nothing’s funnier than a guy who tells you how people are always telling him he should do stand up. Nothing funnier than that.

But Dolt wants to keep trying stuff til he finds something’s he’s passionate about. So he’s excited about hosting the event. The comedians meet Dolt at the Real World house for the meeting. Oh, now we know why they wanted Dolt to host. Dolt is really nervous for the show, but you know, good for him for trying something new.

You should try something new too, d bag.

Blondie is back in the audience. That’s sweet. The comedy club has a brick wall in the background, like the eighties. Perhaps Dolt will break out some “Hey, what’s up with that?” jokes. The chairs in the audience look like they were rescued from Goodwill, and the folks in the audience…well, are we sure this is LA? And of course, the first thing that happens is Dolt’s microphone goes out. There’s a moment or two where he’s got nothing, but then we go to commercial and when we come back he quips, “Well, that’s why I study improv!” Nice recovery, Dolt!

Dolt? Dolt who? Nope, I didn’t discover anyone by that name.

They tell him he did good, and he needs to walk back and forth more. He tells us he’s ready to start pushing some of his own material, and it’s a bidet bit. Oh, heaven help us. But the lowbrow crowd loves it, and now he’s got his confidence. He loves how it feels. It looks like he does a bunch of jokes about poop and drugs and anger management. Nothing groundbreaking, or really even that funny, but the crowd responds, so good for Dolt. I always support the effort.

That night at the Real World house, Janelle’s back in town. Rick is happy to see her. And she’s happy to be back in the Real World house, literally dancing around. Goody reminds us that now that Janelle’s back, Brit and Rick can’t talk, and then she wishes that Rick could just be normal with girls. Brit walks off alone, and no one bothers to join her and try and make her feel more comfortable. Even though it’s Brit’s house, for crying out loud! But I guess Team Janelle hasn’t really disbanded.

But all Brit does is passive aggressively walk into every shot where Rick and Janelle are. They’re in the pool area, Brit walks by. Rick and Janelle canoodling in the hallway, there’s Brit walking by with an empty bowl. Brit thinks Janelle is going to realize that the reason Rick doesn’t ever talk to her is because he’s scared of how much he’s in love with her.

Next week, Goody pukes everywhere. On the street. In the trash. That’s all I need to know to know. I’m really looking forward to it. See you then…

You were decidedly mediocre. Congrats!