Can you believe the soap opera that is the Real World Sydney? Last week, Parisa made a fool of herself chasing after Alex, a slightly cute, Aussie camera whore who wears a lot of t-shirts and blazers. Alex is Trasha’s friend who she met out at, where else, Cargo Bar, and who she brought home to hang out. Trasha has a boyfriend back home named Jarrod, who she pretends to be worried she’s going to cheat on. By the end of the episode, wily Alex had written love poems to both Trasha and Parisa, and then kissed them both! Parisa knows he kissed Trasha, but Trasha doesn’t know he kissed Parisa. I wouldn’t spend this much time catching up, but we pick it up the very next day. I’m so ready for fallout!
But the morning after…all seems oddly peaceful. In fact, Parisa and Trasha are hanging in the kitchen, talking about how they went on a walk, together, with Alex the night before. The three of them. They talked about cheese. And now they’re ready to party again tonight. What’s going on? Are they pulling a Bobby Ewing on us? Was two-timin’ Alex all a dream?
But KA is there too, and the second Trasha leaves, KA is on Parisa to tell her she expects her to come clean to Trasha about kissing Alex. Parisa can’t understand why she would need to tell Trasha. Then she tells us she did nothing wrong. Well, if you did nothing wrong, then why wouldn’t you tell Trasha about it?
That face you’re making is wrong.
But Parisa’s not done. Not only did she do nothing wrong, but Trasha did TWO things wrong – cheat on her boyfriend, and go after a guy she knew her friend liked. OK, where do I start? First of all, whatever Trash’s doing wrong, it doesn’t make what Parisa did right. Second, why would Trasha back off from Alex? Does anyone remember she was the one who brought him home – for whatever reason – in the first place? And finally, raise your hand if you know Parisa and Trasha have never been friends. And that looks like…uh-huh, everyone on earth.
Parisa concludes by telling KA that Alex says there’s nothing between him and Trasha. Oh, well that must be why he’s there every night hanging out with Trisha. And by the way, this conversation happens while Parisa is making a cappuccino in what looks like a really expensive cappuccino maker. Between this and the most fabulous bathroom in Sydney, is this the nicest Real World house ever or what?
Well, the secret doesn’t last long when Trasha, KA and Shauvon get in the car. First, Shauvon tells Trasha that she kissed Alex, which Trasha doesn’t even remember. Then Shauvon busts Parisa for kissing Alex. Even though Parisa has told her not to, she doesn’t want to betray Trasha. Normally, I don’t approve of tattling, but if it’s to move the drama along on the Real World, then absolutely, blab away, sweetie.
Keep talkin, honey.
Trasha handles it a lot more calmly than I would have expected, but then again, she’s still pretending she’s going to stay faithful to that boyfriend. Trasha actually stops to wonder if Alex likes Parisa, which is something Parisa didn’t stop to bother to do. But, Trasha’s not too worried, cause she knows Alex liked her first. And also, she reasons, if he likes Parisa, it’s a good thing, cause then she won’t be tempted to kiss boys. Yeah, sure. KA doesn’t buy it either.
Meanwhile, while the cute girls are in their swimsuits going to the beach, frumpy Marge is standing in the kitchen in an ugly gray t-shirt spilling to Dumby about Alex. Dumby stays long enough to get the gossip, but when Parisa starts talking about the “awkward situation”, Dumby tosses her a football and walks out.
And by the way, for the record, this “awkward situation” that Parisa’s complaining about was 100% her doing. There’s no way Parisa could have gone out and brought Alex back home herself. Actually, now that I think about it, she’s the only one of the four girls who hasn’t brought a guy around. The only way she was gonna get a guy was to hang around at home all the time and snap up one of the other girls’ scraps. Shoulda waited til Trasha decided if she wanted the meal or not, though.
BTW, I ate the rest of your macaroni and cheese.
Later, KA and Parisa play ping-pong. They have a ping-pong table? How fun, I love that game. No, really, I do. With her newfound information, KA confirms that Parisa and Alex kissed not once, but twice, and Parisa confirms that Alex told her that he wasn’t interested in Trasha. But this time, she doesn’t sound so confident.
Then Parisa confers with Dumby, saying that her Mom said it’s not her concern if Trasha wants to cheat on her boyfriend. For a moment, I think her Mom may have knocked some sense into her, like not your problem, so let Trasha do what she’s gonna do, but no. Her Mom told her that she’s not a nun, and she can’t take care of everybody’s problems.
Parisa makes it sound like her Mom was on her side, but it sounds to me like Parisa may have selectively excluded the part where she’s kissing Alex from the Mom version of the story. I really don’t see Parisa’s Muslim Mommy giving a “You go, girl!” to boy chasing and kissing guys who kiss two girls in the same night.
Oh, and somehow we have a new split in the house – it’s no longer girls against boys, it’s girls against boys and Parisa. Shauvon says that all the girls, her especially, have tried to be friends with Parisa, but if she wants to go running to Dumby, she’s a girl Shauvon can’t trust. What? What does Shauvon even have to do with this?
If anyone should be annoyed, it’s Trasha, and Shauvon tries to stir that shit up by complaining to Trasha and KA about Parisa talking to Dumby about hooking up with Alex. How can Parisa be mad about Shauvon telling Trasha about her and Alex, when she also told Parisa about Trasha and Alex, and Parisa told Dumby herself anyway? Get it? Me neither! I am so loving this!
But whatever, Shauvon’s on the edge. She WILL blow a lid. Oh, remember the last time we got that warning – food got thrown at Isaac. I see someone getting liquored up and throwing another tantrum tonight. Can’t wait!
Who knew girls ganging up could be so romantic?
And it looks like we’ll get our wish later that night at, where else, Cargo Bar. Shauvon and Trasha prance in holding hands. New besties? Seems so, as inside Trasha tells Shauvon that if she knew her before here, Shauvon would be best friends with Trasha and all her friends back home. Congrats Shauvon, you have been officially anointed one of the bitchy skunk haired girls of Fresno. You should be, like, so happy this is airing on national television.
Shauvon agrees with Trasha about their newfound love. When she first arrived, Parisa was her number one, cause it’s so important to rank your friends, but now she’s spending more time with Trasha. So, has Parisa been officially bumped out of number one? Or is she just on probation? Skunky girl friendship rules are soooooo confusing.
When all the roomies get home drunk, Parisa decides it’s a good idea to drunk dial Alex. And to tell him that she’s drunk dialing. Girl, you got such good game! She says she’s not sure if she should find out where she stands with Alex, cause he hasn’t made a move…umm, HELLO?!?!? He hasn’t made a move? This is only the ninety billionth clue, sweetheart.
For instructions on not making a fool of yourself around men in English, press one…
Then Trasha runs in the room, and gets on the phone with Alex and a terribly stupid fake accent. The first thing she tells Alex is that she doesn’t know how she’s going to tell Jarrod. Then she tells Alex not to feel bad for anybody, and to put his feelings first. Parisa tells Alex, through Trasha, not to feel bad for her, and Alex tells Trasha, “but I do.”
Then Parisa grabs the phone and tells Alex to save the pity party. She’s such a cool girl! Having successfully planted doubt, Trasha holds her hands up, and declares, “I’m out of this conversation!” and takes off. Parisa asks Alex if he told Trasha he felt sorry for her. Alex strategically doesn’t come right out and deny it, but he does say he doesn’t feel sorry for anyone. Alex, thank you so much for this. You are making this the best Real World ever. I hope they sign you on to Home and Away for this.
Parisa continues to play he said / she said, Alex continues to deny everything in a really carefully worded way, and Trasha sits at the computer, no doubt writing Jarrod another email telling Jarrod how much she loves him. Finally, Parisa gets off the phone, and leaves the phone room in her signature drab olive tank (only the going out version had some sparkles) and mom jeans, yelling “hooray for drunken dialing!”
Then they show us Sydney awash in fog, and play some menacing synthesizer music. Uh-oh, something’s coming. Parisa yells to Cow about making him a grilled cheese. Shauvon, overhearing, calls Parisa over to make her an egg and tomato sandwich. Parisa tells her it’s too much trouble to make the egg and the tomato, so she’ll just do grilled cheese.
Cut to the kitchen, the roomies are fighting over who’s grilled cheese gets made first. Shauvon is cutting up her own tomatoes. Isaac innocently asks if he can have a grilled cheese too, if it’s not too much trouble. It’s not, Parisa tells him. And Shauvon flips out.
She wants to know why it’s not too much trouble to make a grilled cheese for one of the boys, but it is for her. She’s making you one, dumbass, it was your special egg and tomato request she didn’t want to do. “Parisa’s down for the boys, but not the girls,” Shauvon taunts. “I already knew that,” says Trasha. KA, too, nods eagerly in the background. Ohhhh….et tu, KA?
Cow tries to step in and calm Shauvon down. He wants his grilled cheese sandwich! But she’s about twice the size of him, and she’s too riled up. Isaac also tries to mediate, with a wine glass in his hand, which cracked me up. Muffy, stop flailing at the help! Allow her to cook our cheese of the grill, darling! Parisa stands there like Abused Marge, crying, but still cooking the damn thing.
Most violent grilled cheese ever.
Cow runs through the house yelling about how it’s only a grilled cheese sandwich! Not bacon and eggs and toast, grilled cheese! Shauvon trails him, warning him Cow not to talk about her. He actually wasn’t, he could give a crap about Shauvon, all he’s talking about is grilled cheese, but you know everything’s about Shauvon, so she gets in his face. Cow walks away, and says in his interview that he started to lose his cool, but then he realized that he looked like an idiot. Normally, I disapprove of rationality on the Real World, but if you say it in a funny country way, I guess I’m fine with it.
Crazy Shauvon won’t let it go, so she follows Cow back to the kitchen. Seriously, it could not be more fucking obvious that all Cow cares about is this damn grilled cheese sandwich. But, next thing you know, Shauvon’s leaning into the fridge showing the hugest, tackiest tattoo all over her lower back, and right after that she’s chucking food at Cow. Oh Shauvon, now there’s a pattern and I can’t stand up for you this time. Sorry. Kisses.
First, she calls Cow and Isaac “punk ass bitches”, and then she says that real men don’t talk to women that way. Cow and Isaac have had enough of this nonsense though, Isaac tells Cow to grab his sandwich and run, and they’re out of there. Shauvon just keeps yelling.
Cow’s Ode To His Grilled Cheese Sandwich
COW: I don’t give a damn what she – I’m not even hungry! Grilled cheese…you see what you’re doin’ to me? You’re a grilled cheese sandwich, and you’ve got cheese spilled on me, you got me cussed out, you just about got my jugular vein slit with glass, from somebody bustin’ it, who’s probably about to come in here in about five seconds and finish me off…(SHAUVON yelling from kitchen to “Ayyy…shut the fuck up before I come over there and fuckin…”)…See, she thinks I’m talkin’ to someone, and I’m talking to a sandwich! The damn grilled cheese, it does this to me! This sandwich…really caused me some problems. But it’s a tasty little devil. And I’m not gonna let it go to waste. (Fade to black)
The musical version will be produced by Oprah Winfrey this Spring starring Fantasia as Cowhutta.
Shauvon cleans up the kitchen and logically explains to the camera that she was wrong, and she should not have thrown that bottle, no matter how angry she was at anyone. Save it honey, the first time you said sorry and took responsibility after the Isaac incident, it worked. But I’m on to you now – you pull a lot of crazy, violent stuff when you’re drunk, and you think saying you’re sorry after makes it ok. It doesn’t. But, medication might.
Shauvon’s sandwich, that Parisa actually still made for her, with tomatoes, sits there untouched. Having apparently missed everything, Dumby wanders in and asks about it. Shauvon says she won’t eat a sandwich someone made for her out of pity – again, what? OK, I’m done looking for logic in here. Dumby stares longingly at the sandwich, but Shauvon won’t let him eat it. Something about maybe throwing it back into Parisa’s face. Yeah, you show her not to cook for you. With tomatoes. That bitch.
But the argument wasn’t about food, says Shauvon. No shit. Shauvon’s problem is that Parisa caters to guys. And where she comes from, “your girls” come first. Easy for her to say, she gets guys. The only way they pay attention to Parisa is if she’s kissing ass and feeding them.
Next morning, Parisa and Shauvon are in their room together, Parisa moisturizing, and Shauvon folding. They’re not talking, but the camera runs over photos of them together all over the room. Oh, the memories. Later on, Parisa approaches Shauvon, telling her she knows she didn’t mean what she said last night. But Shauvon did.
“Let me tell you how I feel-” Shauvon begins, but Parisa interrupts. You will be sorry for why I say you’re sorry for, silly blond girl! Parisa says that Shauvon keeps saying she’s “her girl”, but the way she’s been treating her lately, Parisa doesn’t believe it. In a way, she has a point. Shauvon was her friend, until she started running after Alex, then she was more Trasha’s friend. If you’re friends, you’re friends. Shauvon doesn’t have to agree with her, but she doesn’t have to go running over to the other team either.
Shauvon knows that she was wrong, but she wants Parisa to understand that she feels bad that she’s picking the guys over the girls. But I don’t think that’s it. I think Shauvon really is troubled by Parisa breaking this “girl code” – she likes Parisa, but is a girl who starts so much shit over a guy really a girl she wants to be friends with? Parisa won’t hear it. She tells Shauvon she can’t talk to her when she’s yelling, which Shauvon really wasn’t doing. I don’t know who’s right or wrong here anymore. Everybody just needs to work on their listening skills.
Later, Alex and Ky arrive at the house. Trasha is dressed up in a mini-dress, while Parisa’s working out. Hmmm…wonder who Alex made plans to come over and see? Parisa has twisted this thing into Trasha being hurtful to her – Trasha knows how much Parisa likes him, but she continues to flirt with him. What the hell? So it’s Trasha’s job to go out and find the playmates, but if Parisa happens to like them, then Trasha has to let her have them? I’m so tired of writing how wrong I think she is.
Alex stands around while Trash and Shauvon finish getting ready in the most fabulous bathroom in Sydney, while Parisa is on her own in the bedroom, in a fancy red printed frock. But it has strappy sleeves, so it’s really like a hooker dress for Marge. Shauvon asks her what she’s doing that night, just hanging around at home? Parisa says she’s waiting to see what everyone else is doing. Pretty jazzy outfit for “waiting around”, doll.
I thought I’d just curl up and watch Women’s Murder Club.
Shavon thinks so too, and recounts the story to Ky, accusing Parisa of “just looking sexy for the house.” Ky could not look less interested. “The flirt war is on!” says Shauvon, “and by Parisa throwing on her red and white dress and no panties, it is starting!” No panties? Sure enough, they show Marge stepping out of a pair of black granny panties. Black made them sexxxxy.
Trasha and Alex are playing ping-pong, when No Panties Marge interrupts in her red dress, claiming, “I still have to blow dry my hair, I’m not ready for our guests yet.” The chips are dip aren’t even out! “You look nice,” says Alex casually, not really taking his eye off his ping-pong game. “Thank you,” replies Parisa. Ahhh…finally, the validation she’s been looking for! He thinks she looks nice, obviously, he is in love. And wants her hot bod.
Sure enough, next thing we see is Parisa partying it up with the roomies at where else, Cargo Bar. As soon as Alex walks into the joint with Shauvon and Trasha (who have cemented their bestie status by holding hands wherever they go), Parisa pulls Alex into the combo male / female bathroom, and the producers show us a stall with kissing noises coming from inside! What a ho!
Back in the Cargo Bar, Parisa attacks Alex and tells him that Trasha’s saying that Alex is saying he’s in love with Trasha, but she has a boyfriend. Alex smartly keeps it vague, with an “I never said I was in love with anyone.” Parisa sighs exasperatedly to the camera. Everyone’s telling her different things! Well, of course. Alex is telling you whatever he needs to say to keep you in the game, and Trasha is telling you whatever she needs to say to keep you out. And you’re just playing out of your league and making an ass of yourself. That clear it up for you?
Finally, Alex tells Trasha that things are only going to get worse, and then he leaves. Giving up so soon? What happened, tiger? But whatever, new besties Shauvon and Trash continue to dance and party it up, cause they know slightly cute camera loving Aussie boys are a dime a dozen. Until the bartender interrupts to tell Trasha that her roommate, Parisa, is outside, sick by herself.
And before we go any further, let’s just revisit Episode One, where Parisa’s big problem was that she didn’t want to be a babysitter. Oh, karma, you’re so fucking fab. And as far as that “girl code” goes? The one that says you shouldn’t chase after your friend’s guy, no matter what the circumstances, is the same “code” that makes a girl go outside and check on you while you’re puking. I’m hoping this is what will teach Parisa a lesson, but I’ve seen the previews, so I know there’s something else in store. Oh fuck it, that’s what I was really hoping for anyway.
Trasha goes outside to fetch Parisa. She and some random Aussie guys help her up where she is apparently passed out on a bench. Then Parisa storms off, with Trasha telling her she can’t walk home by herself. “I can, I’ve done it before, I’ve done everything here by myself.” Parisa replies. Ohhhhh, sad sack Marge.
I don’t need nothin’ from you! I came into this world alone and I’ll leave it alone! WAAAHHH!!!
Parisa tells Trasha “you girls” should do whatever they want to do. Trasha tells her fine, and that she’s on her own, to which sad sack Marge replies, she always is anyway. But then she says that Trasha’s provoking her by coming in the bar with Alex! OK, now I’m starting to wonder if I’m hearing this right. Trasha had plans with Alex! He showed up in a blazer for it and everything!
And what made it worse, is Trasha trying to give her a water bottle when she got sick. Much like…when Parisa tried to give Shauvon a grilled cheese sandwich after yelling at her! You know what? Shauvon and Parisa really need to make up. They have the exact same way of manipulating themselves into victim-hood.
Later, when everyone gets home, Parisa shouts that tonight is the night she’s going to speak her mind. She’s been sitting calmly in the house for over a month, while everyone else has exploded around her, and she’s tired of biting her tongue. She sits down in the confessional, and Dumby pokes his head in to tell Parisa, “Alex told me he was tired of being in the middle of all this ***. Now, do your thing, girl!” Way to provoke the drunk, scorned, delusional girl, Dumby! Things may work out between us after all!
Parisa looks at the confessional camera, and pukes. On the floor. It’s so loud. It’s so disgusting. I hope they didn’t make the Sneaky PA who made Alex write the dual love notes last week clean it up. Trasha tells Shauvon to get herself upstairs right now, Parisa mumbles, yeah, Shauvon get upstairs to talk more shit, but Trasha hears her, and it’s on!
Self exams are a very important part of being a modern woman. Peek a boo!
Now, normally I wouldn’t have gone to the effort, but this was such a dirty fight, I wrote it down. I had to guess on all the swear words though, and man, there were A LOT!
Trasha: Hey, Parisa? Talk your shit some more. Say it to our face.
Parisa: Trisha! Why don’t you go fuck yourself. How ’bout that?
Trasha: Why don’t you learn to like someone who wants to fuck you?
Parisa: Why don’t you go back to your boyfriend who I hope fucking dumps your ass, ’cause you’re a slut!
Trasha: Oh, I’m a slut?
Parisa: OHHHHHHH! (slams confessional door)
Then, Trasha yells for Shauvon to come upstairs right now, and Shauvon scampers up, saying, “what did I just miss?”. Parisa swings the confessional door back open and now she’s yelling at Shauvon!
Parisa: Go upstairs, and comfort her. Go upstairs, ’cause this is the unfaithful bitch, that cheats on her boyfriend, that she talks about twenty-five hours a day, and then she goes making out with some other guy!
Trasha: I made out with some guy? I made out with some guy?
Parisa: Go fuck yourself!
Then they both yell and I can’t make out what is what, and then Parisa tells Trash to call Jarrod and tell him right now, and Trash says she already did, which I think is a lie, but whatever, then Parisa really goes off! “You’re a piece of fucking shit, fake bitch slut. Go fuck yourself. Fuck you!” she yells. And there was more, but there was so much bleeping, I couldn’t get it!
Well, I loved this. Girlfights are the best. Girlfights over lame guys are even better. Girfights with girls like Parisa who act like they’re so above it are really, really the best of all. They closed us out with a black screen and a “To be continued”, so til then my little koalas…