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This week on the Real World Sydney, I wanted to like Parisa. I really, really did. I’ve had so much venom for her for the past two weeks, I felt like she HAD to redeem herself tonight. Well, not only did that not happen, but I think I’m borderline loathing her now. Foiled again. Here’s why…
When you are wearing exactly the same pattern as the wallpaper, it’s time to rethink your game plan.
We pick up right where we left off with Parisa and Trasha fighting. The fight has moved downstairs. They’re both screaming, and it’s ugly. Trasha tells Parisa that all the guys she kisses ass to all day are talking shit behind her back at night. Parisa tells Trasha that no one in this house likes her. Shauvon, having conveniently forgotten her grilled cheese outburst the night before, holds her hand to her mouth in shock, and then gets involved and tries to shush both of them. Doesn’t work.
They continue to fight with Parisa telling Trasha to “keep going, your Daddy will be proud.” You too, Desperate Marge, I’m sure your parents are probably setting up a viewing party for everyone they know right now. They’re adding subtitles to the parts that were bleeped out, they’re so proud.
Parisa tells Trash she has “fake ass hair and a nasty fucking body.” Trash has fake hair? I don’t know, I can usually spot a weave from a mile away. Weave…I miss Bret Michaels. But back to the show at hand, perhaps Parisa was referring to fake hair color. Parisa heads into the telephone room where Dumby is on the phone, no doubt with Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie telling her how two girls are fighting over him AGAIN.
One of ‘em even made me a grilled cheese, babe. It’s time for restraining order.
Trasha tells Parisa that Dumby “wants to be with his girlfriend, not you, you idiot! And the other guy that you try to pursue, likes ME your fucking dumbass!” You want to know what I hate the most about Parisa right now? She’s forcing me to agree with Trasha.
Parisa loftily tells the camera that “she’s screaming at me and yelling at me, and I’m taking it with a grain of salt because I figure if it’s coming out this girl’s mouth, it’s not worth anything.” Sure, as opposed to five minutes ago when you were screaming at Trash to “go a dick for your pussy” (thanks, Lloyd!), which was a deep, meaningful and well thought out observation.
Then Parisa lies on the floor of the phone room and talks about how she hates “them” so much. Dumby tells her all the guys agree. Except when Parisa’s singing in the shower, then they hate her too. Then Parisa asks what she did to get brought into it. You broke Trasha’s “girl code”, honey. You knew what you were doing, but you were so desperate for Aussie camera whore ass, you did it anyway. Parisa deserves an Emmy for her portrayal of The Victim.
Then Parisa complains that it’s been over a month of being pushed and prodded by the girls. OK, here I may have to agree with her. We don’t see everything, but we do see Trash, Shauvon and KA palling around a lot, so perhaps she is the perpetual odd girl out. She’s tired of everyone pushing her around, she tells Dumby, handily forgetting that he’s just as guilty as the rest of them.
Why is that hideous rug in the fetal position?
She’s also tired of being the spineless one, but Dumby assures her that after tonight, no one would call her spineless. Who do these girls think they are, she wonders, because every night they try and make her feel bad about herself. Why, cause every night they invite boys over who would never look at you if you didn’t happen to be scenery in the house? As Eleanor Roosevelt, Parisa’s icon of style would say, nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Parisa says she just wants to go to bed, which was certainly obvious by the way she started the fight in the first place (yeah, she started it, passive aggro mumbling counts). Trasha calls Dumby over, and repeats what Parisa said about all the guys hating her. Then she asks Dumby if he thinks she’s a “cool girl”. Wait, does she think she’s a cool girl? Oh, of course she does. Dumby stays silent, and then steals Parisa’s line about wanting to go to bed. Trash sits dumbfounded. Yes dear, it’s true. Being the “cool girl” in Fresno does not make you the “cool girl” on the rest of earth. What can I say? It’s a harsh world.
Well, Trash moves on from the Parisa drama pretty fast, and now she’s talking to Cow. I’m not paying attention at first, cause I think I can see the demarcation of her weave. When I abandon my fake hair investigation, she’s saying she doesn’t remember kissing Alex. I wonder if I believe this or not. She did seem surprised when Shauvon told her about it in the car last week, and she was drunk that night. So, I’ll give it 50/50.
It’s not like her to even think of kissing another guy, Trasha insists. So, all those nights she and Alex were drinking and snuggling, she never thought of kissing him? Trasha’s one of those dumb people who thinks she’s smarter than everyone. But she’s got nothing on Cow, who, with all his country wisdom, simply says, “You’re gonna get dumped.”
The next morning, frumpy Marge is in the kitchen in her fabulous gold camp counselor collared polo shirt, accessorized with a wristlet wallet that as far as I’m concerned may as well be a fanny pack. She knows she was loud and inappropriate, but she stands by her actions. Oh, people who can’t admit they’re wrong. Another delightful quality. I’m trying Parisa, I’m trying, but give me SOMETHING to work with, please! At least Shauvon has the good sense to pretend she’s sorry when she gets drunk and mad and throws shit.
Girls don’t like girls who wear wrist wallets. Or blankets. Or wallpaper.
All the girls sit down for breakfast, and Parisa is saying that it’s new for her to have intimacy with girlfriends, and she has to get used to it. She’s never had girlfriends? Has she always been the outcast? OK, this I may be able to work with. I guess that’s kind of sad. But the girls I know who don’t have any girlfriends? Girls usually aren’t friends with them for a reason. Just sayin’.
Trasha eats her breakfast, and doesn’t look like she’s buying any of it, but she tells us that they’re being civil to each other. Trasha can see that Parisa’s judgmental, but Trash admits that she has her flaws too. See, even TRASHA can admit she has flaws. All Parisa’s copping to is not knowing how to have friends. And again, maybe there’s a reason for that.
That night, at where else, Cargo Bar, Shauvon is hanging out with her new friend Andrew. Shauvon says she sometimes uses talking and flirting with guys to not think about her ex-fiancÃ©, David. That’s OK sweetie, I’m of the philosophy that the best way to get over a man is with a new one. But she can’t stop thinking about him. Yeah, that philosophy doesn’t always work for me either. But it beats sitting home crying and thinking every night.
Cow manages to insult Shauvon’s date, asking KA if she would have brought him home. Come on now, Cow, a confident man would never have to ask that. Parisa says that “to listen about boyfriends and then watch behavior that completely contradicts everything that you just talked about all day long” is confusing to her. Well, maybe one day when you find some sucker to date your frumpy, judgmental ass, then you’ll understand.
And now a word from Summer’s Eve.
But, after we see a montage of Shauvon talking about her ex, David, A LOT, we see her crawling into bed with Andrew. He makes a comment about his big “belt buckle”. Did David have a big “belt buckle”? If not, then perhaps this will be the trick that makes you forget. You go, ho! Dammit, now I miss Flasher. See, I’m trying to use Real World to get over Rock of Love. And thanks to the last few episodes, it’s totally working.
The next morning, we wake to the most gorgeous shots of Sydney at sunrise. But the beauty is ruined as Andrew, Shauvon’s one nighter, rolls out of bed naked! Shauvon stays in bed, lamenting that he was a mistake. Andrew leaves the house in jeans and a black wife-beater shirt. I’m not going to bother nicknaming him Richie Sambora, cause it seems like this was only a one-time cameo appearance.
He bids Parisa, still in her favorite gold collared shirt, a fond farewell, and it is clear from his accent that he’s American. Thought Shauvon didn’t want to come to Australia to hook up with Americans. If she was going to go back on that one, she should have done Isaac. He’s cuter, and he’s sort of starting to grow on me.
Wanna come over later and watch me make lasagna?
Shauvon knows Beefcake Sambora isn’t her type, but going out, ho’ing and drinking makes her feel better. That I don’t advocate. It’s a good plan to flirt with other guys to get over someone, but bringing this loser home was disrespectful to herself. And she knows. She says this isn’t the way to go about it.
Shauvon calls her Mommy and tells her how hard it is to get over David. Mom asks her if she’s been with anyone else, and Shauvon pauses, and then says she’s just kissed. Uh-oh, lying to Mommy…let’s add Shauvon’s Mom to the list of parents who will be bursting with pride over their kids’ behavior in Sydney. Mommy tells Shauvon that once she steps over the line, it’s very hard to go back. Shauvon, knowing she has not only stepped over the line, but fucked the line, uncomfortably agrees.
Then Shauvon and Trasha go for a walk. Shauvon wants to fix what was wrong with the relationship, and get back together. Unfortunately, what was wrong with the relationship was David being controlling and unsupportive. She’s not allowed to have a career, or have fun with her friends or dance…wait, no dancing? How very Footloose. Oh, and by the way, we get a great view of the back of Trasha’s head, and I have the frightening realization that it’s very likely she bleached the top part and then added black extensions on the bottom. Why is the Real World the only reality show that doesn’t include a makeover?
Matching follicle dysfunctions.
Back home, Shauvon cries and writes an email to David. We catch a glimpse of it, and all it looks like is her saying, “I’m sorry” about a million different ways. Why is she sorry? For living in the millennium and wanting things for herself before she shares a life with him? I don’t like this David character. Dream stealer. She sobs in the confessional about how she can’t stop thinking about him and nothing helps, and I am really feeling her pain. Breakups where the love is there, but reality gets in the way are the hardest.
Trasha goes to her and supportively rubs her back. Where’s Parisa, by the way? I hate to hearken back to this “girl code” thing again, but a girl who takes care of you, takes the time to listen (even while they have their own boy drama going on) and doesn’t judge your one night stand is actually the kind of friend I want to have. And on that note, I’m going to digress for a moment and say something I’ve said before, but bears repeating. What I really like about this season of the Real World is that they’re showing the different sides to people. Every one of these roommates has done things that I’ve liked and hated. And that’s real.
Case in point, I feel for Shauvon crying in the confessional because she can’t stop thinking about her ex. But a moment later, when she’s crying over should she wear her engagement right or shouldn’t she, I think she’s a damn idiot. Is she still engaged? No. So why go through all the pain of breaking up only to torture yourself every day with a cubic zirconia ring?
Trasha points out that he should want to be a part of her success. And Shauvon doesn’t understand why David’s making her choose her personal goals over him. Because he’s controlling and insecure, obviously. How did he manage to cover that up enough to get her to fall for him in the first place? Maybe he does have a really, really big “belt buckle”. Shauvon cries a little more, and clicks send.
FWD this to at least ten of your friends or die alone.
Next day, Isaac, Cow and KA and Trasha are eating lunch. Trasha’s ditched her signature bubble gum pink fake Chanel shades, and Coco stops rolling over in her grave. Isaac asks Trasha if Jarrod’s coming out to visit, and if Trasha’s going to tell him about Alex. Trasha’s still confused and upset, even though it was just a little kiss, it wasn’t like they were making out. And it happened when she was drunk and nearly passed out. I think this whole cheating on Jarrod thing may be getting blown way out of proportion, but it’s causing good drama, so I’m not gonna argue.
Cow’s on board with the whole cheating drama, and he says that Trash “needs to diffuse this as soon as possible – leave the boy a little dignity.” Tell him over the phone, Cow says, so he can deal with his issues over it, and then decide if he still wants come visit. Isaac says he feels sorry for Jarrod. But Trasha says they don’t understand how much she loves him. Surely it was her love for Jarrod that sent her running to Aussie Alex.
Isaac doesn’t buy it either – he says he was in love once, and he would never have done what Trasha did. Trash counters that it showed her that she doesn’t want to be with anyone else besides him. “What’d you have to test it for?” asks Cow. Because she’s nineteen, for crying out loud. And I really think the only reason she has a steady boy is for an excuse to have sex.
So Trasha gets on the phone, and confesses all to Jarrod. She blames it all on Alex, and says he isn’t allowed at their house anymore. Jarrod, who seems way too reasonable to be dating Trasha, says that while any guy who would kiss another guy’s girl is an ass, he trusted her, not him. Jarrod says he doesn’t like it, but he can’t control it. “Yeah, you can,” Trash snaps back, eyes rolling away. Huh? How?
Later on, Frumpy Marge is in the kitchen attired in an ugly dirt colored shawl. Ugh, you just know when she’s home in New York, she wears the long, quilted puffy coat with the rabbit yarn scarf. Anyway, she approaches Trasha to ask if it would bother her if she still hung out with Alex. Oh, now she cares about “girl code”. Now that she’s won Alex by default. Trasha says fine, but nicely asks her if she would please hang out with him away from the house. Parisa makes a bitchy face, and hops up to her soapbox, otherwise known as her favorite place on earth.
Trasha tries to reason with her, telling her the request is out of respect for Jarrod, and if she were in her position…but she doesn’t get to finish, cause the Judge interrupts to tell her that if she were in her position, she never would have kissed another guy when she had a boyfriend. Why must she insist on passing judgment on things she knows nothing about?
First get a boyfriend, then don’t cheat on him.
Parisa bitches that she doesn’t need to care about other people’s bullshit, because it pertains to HER potential relationship. First of all, with this attitude, it’s becoming really clear why she has no friends. And, potential relationship? Is she serious? They snipe at each other a little more, and Parisa tells Trash to stop telling her what to do.
Trash replies that she wasn’t telling her what to do, she was just asking that Parisa respect her wishes. And I don’t think it’s easy for Trash to ask nicely. Parisa is quickly descending from insecure, desperate and a little judgmental to total fucking bitch. KA says that Alex needs to stay away for the good of everyone. I agree on principle, but if Alex goes, he takes all the girl fight drama with him.
Parisa has a really special way of apologizing where she doesn’t accept any blame. She tells the roomies she’s sorry, but her buttons were pushed. And she doesn’t want Trasha to think she can dictate how what she does or says or thinks or feels. And she says it in such a lofty, holier than thou way that I honestly want to reach through the television and slap her. Since that’s not possible, I’m really hoping Trash does it for me.
Isaac tells us that the “female creature” is inherently psychotic. Girls fight over the silliest things. He amends it to say that guys fight over the silliest things too, but punch somebody in the nose and it’s over. Fine, punch, slap, whatever, can someone just please lay one on Frumpy McJudgment and be done with it?
Parisa says she’s not proud of her behavior, but that it’s better than some other stuff that’s gone on in the house. Dumby disagrees – hers involved vomiting and screaming. “But I didn’t throw anything,” she says in defense. So what? I’d rather have a grilled cheese thrown at me than up on me.
And now back to the Shauvon show. She has heard back from David in an email, and she says it was amazing. She is more than willing to give it another try, and what she hopes and prays for is that David will let her stay in Sydney. She hopes and prays that he will let her live her life? What a fool, and if she really means that, she deserves him. She’s decked out in an ugly orange bikini top. Does this girl own shirts? She’s always hanging out in the bathing suit tops. Your boobs are huge, we get it. Now put some clothes on. This isn’t Cinemax, you know.
Let me guess. David likes tie dye.
And did the guy who sells cheap sunglasses off the street make a house call? Between the skunk hair, Trash’s fake Chanels and Shauvon’s Ambervisions bordered in sparkles, all I’m hoping and praying for is a law enacted to prevent crimes of fashion. But, I guess that’s off topic. Shauvon calls David, and when they connect, they both start bawling, but it quickly degenerates to him wanting her to come home, and her wanting to stay and have the experience. You know, if you love someone set them free, and all that jazz.
Shauvon takes to her bed and sobs and breaks my heart a little bit. She wishes he could just stand beside her. Not gonna happen, sweetie, cut this loser loose and find someone who will. KA agrees, only she says it in a nicer way. She tells her control isn’t love, and “if it was meant to happen, it wouldn’t be this hard.” Is that country wisdom? KA, your time with the Cow is really paying off.
We sign off with Shauvon not knowing what to do. KA, if there were ever a time to break out the silly “Dump Him” t-shirt, it’s now. Next week, Shauvon kicks the dead horse a little more, and has the same fight with David that she’s been having all along. Dumby goes off on Parisa, which I can not WAIT to see…and Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie pays a visit! Maybe she’ll slap Parisa. Til then, dolls…