G’day dolls, and welcome to the last episode of the Real World Sydney! The finale is stretched out to an hour, so I’m looking for some good drama. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to see someone get hit, and I want to see some night vision drunken sex. Sneaky PA, don’t fail me now! Jump aboard, mates for one more trip down under…
Wah!! It’s over!
We start our last hour with these roomies in Sydney at dusk. Dumby and Isaac go outside for a chat and a smoke. These two smoke a lot. My problem with Ashli is that she’s a bitch for no reason during the day, complains Dumby. Oh, we’re going down this road again? Is it going to be a whole hour of this bitch / slut nonsense? I think I’m going to need wine and pills. Back inside, Ashli tells KA and Parisa that she thinks the problem is she “tells him and he can’t take it”. I think Dumby Bear’s problems go waaaaaay deeper than that.
Ash tells us that Dumby has a thing when he’s one on one with a girl in the house, he puts them above the other girls in the house. No great revelation, we already knew he was two faced. Ashli also says that he’s always telling her that if he and Julie ever broke up, he’d come right out to California to “fuck her brains out”. Ah, sweet romance. Outside, Dumby is telling Isaac not to ever accuse him of wanting Ashli, and then he FINALLY spills the beans about the hookup between the two of them by saying, “the only time she wants to talk is when she’s on my BLEEP and then I’m the one doing the talking.” Dumby, you are officially disgusting. I really hope Grandpa’s waiting for you with a big tube of KY jelly when you get home. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
Isaac is shocked at the admission, and Dumby smirks and laughs away. Then he jumps up on his high horse to tell us how disgusted HE is by the way Ashli tries to hold the whole “what we do behind closed doors” thing over his head by threatening to tell people about it. Listen, moron, we all know you did it. The roommates knew, and now everyone else does too.
Next time you see Ashli being stupid, ask her why she wants to be with me then, Dumby instructs Isaac. Then they have a laugh over it. Isaac, I’m disappointed. Isaac tells Dumby to call Julie and tell her. “No”, Dumby quickly replies. Duh. He can’t beat her into forgiving him over the phone. He says he’s going to tell Julie when he gets home, and that he hopes that she somehow thinks he still deserves to be with her…cause he doesn’t. Well, I never did. Double belts might do the trick!
I only cheated because I love you. Now take out the trash, bitch.
KA reminds us that it’s all coming to an end…and she’s starting to worry about leaving Cow. He muses about the first thing he’ll do when he gets home, and decides he’ll go to the mountains. KA doesn’t like thinking about leaving. That night, they go to Scary Canary, and KA and Ash are dressed up in their little pigtails and porn outfits. KA manages to push her fear of leaving aside long enough to shake her ass with some guy in a short sleeved plaid shirt and flowered board shorts. I thought Cow and his overalls were bad, but this is definitely worse. Apparently, it’s some guy from the Contiki tour. As she grinds up against him, KA tells him that she’s “dating someone here”. Well, I’m not trying to step on anyone’s toes, the dude replies with his hand on her ass.
Cow joins us to confirm that it’s no “eighth grade shuffle”. Well, that’s an understatment. Cow, whose flannel shirt and ripped jeans ensemble isn’t doing him any more favors than the Contiki guy’s mismatched attire, grabs KA to tell her to stop acting like a whore (he really says “whore”!) to which KA replies, “I didn’t do anything wrong!” And off topic, but what’s the deal with Cow’s facial hair? Is it supposed to be a beard? Honey, if you can’t grow one, then just shave. That sparse scruff looks ridiculous. Talk about eighth grade.
But back to the fight. Cow tries to reason with the little ho, but KA goes back to her Contiki man, and gives Cow the finger! He confronts her, but she still doesn’t get it. “You picked a hell of a time to do this”, he tells her. Oh, now I get it – it’s fear of separation. KA storms into the ladies room and slams the door in response.
Plaid or Plaidder? Make your choice, woman!
Ashli follows her in yelling, “What did he do? What did Cowhutta do?” There she goes again, choosing a side without the facts. Did the Trasha episode teach you nothing? Of course it didn’t. Stupid question. But KA corrects Ash and tells her, “I did it! I did!”
Keeping with the eighth grade theme, Ashli gets involved and follows Cow to talk about something that couldn’t have anything less to do with her. To us, she says that Cow doesn’t want to take any more of KA’s crap, but to Cow she says that KA’s intentions are nothing but good. That’s right, grinding up on the worst dressed boy in the bar while your boyfriend watches just reeks of good intentions. This is stupid. Can I stop writing about it now?
When they get back to the house, Cow gets on the phone. Oh please let it be one more scene with Grandpa Mountain! What a fabulous parting gift that would be. And sure enough…it is! It is! Cow has a question for Grandpa. He wants to know if you go to bar with a girl you’ve been “screwing” (yes, that is the word he uses – obviously been spending a little too much time with Dumby), and she’s “booty dancing” with another guy, is that OK? I can’t really understand what the hell Grandpa’s reply is, cause as you know, I don’t speak Mountain, but I do catch something about “setting some conditions”. Meanwhile, Ashli puts KA’s drunk ass to bed.
Later that night, when Cow finally crawls into bed, KA asks why he left the night before. “Cause you were acting like a slut,” he tells her matter of factly. Wow, they sure don’t mince words up there on the mountain, do they. “Ashli was dancing the same way I was”, KA whines. But Ashli’s not with me, Cow replies. KA says that she’s ashamed and “so, so, so, so sorry”. I don’t buy it. KA told us when we first met her that she does what she wants and doesn’t care how other people feel. She’s sorry Cow’s mad, that’s about all.
Now listen here. We’re gonna have to talk about your conditioner.
Then she mopes around for a while, and the producers hit us with some sad music. She finally apologizes to Cow, while wearing some blue pointed hat perched jauntily on the side of her head.
Of course her apology comes with the lame excuse that she doesn’t “do well with emotions sometimes”. But she does tell us that she realizes she’s probably distancing herself in advance of the upcoming separation. Cow apologizes too, for over-reacting, and then tells her it’s not her fault, she’s “just a silly little girl”. Well, aren’t we all? Women and their hen house drama…all we’re good for is breeding. Go back to the mountains and stay, Cow. You’re not ready for the millenium.
And come on, Real World producers, was this the best you could do? Why is this episode stretched into a whole hour? I’ve already sucked down two glass of wine and a Xanax and I’m still bored. Obviously, they’ve sent Sneaky PA back to the States early. KA tells us that Cow makes her want to be a better person. Nice, but she’s got so far to go, it’s barely even worth the effort.
A dunce cap! Finally, a Real World wardrobe decision I can get behind!
And speaking of not worth the effort, Dumby’s on another call with Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie, asking how excited she is that he’s coming home! She’s thrilled, and her Mom is too. Well, she’ll like me for a few more months, Dumby passively tells her. But when Julie asks why, he simply mumbles, “nothing”. Dude, tell her, or don’t tell her, but quit dropping all these cryptic hints already.
Outside, Dumby tells Isaac and the seventh roommate Noirin that he’s not so much worried about Julie’s Dad, it’s her Mom that’s got him concerned. She’s a huge influence in Julie’s life he says, and she “worships my ass” right now. Well, of course she does, what what woman doesn’t?
Isaac once again casts his vote for honesty – I mean, is there really any other way to go? IT’S GOING TO BE ON TELEVISION, PEOPLE! Noirin agrees. Talk to Julie about it as soon as possible, Isaac advises. Isaac says that the real reason Dumby’s upset is cause he’s screwed. Isaac’s still wearing the lavender sleeveless hoodie with the white boy chain, by the way, but I’m so traumatized by the Contiki boy in the plaid shirt and flowered board shorts that I’m not even going to complain about it. I’ve got one last quirky pass in my pocket. It’s got some lint on it, but fine, just take it.
Dumby says that for the first time in his life, he feels bad for making someone else feel bad. He regrets the whole Ashli situation, he tells us. Noirin advises Dumby to take a good look at himself. But why bother with that nonsense when he can just as easily blame it all on Ashli?
Which he continues to do that night, when in front of a group of about five girls, including Parisa, he calls Ashli “the girl who *&^%^* my *$#% twice”. That’s “sucked my dick”, by the way. I can’t translate Country, but I think I’ve got Reality Show Symbol down. Cut to Ashli dressed in a black satin jacket, dancing away, completely oblivious.
I wonder who’s *&^%^* I can *$#%…
“Holy crap, what you just said cements that you cheat on your girlfriend!” Parisa yells. Hey girl, where you been? But back to the wifebeater and his ho. Parisa reminds us that up until now, both parties have been denying that anything happened. CAMERAS! CAMERAS! CAMERAS! This is killing me. Why the hell don’t they get it?
“I want everyone to know,” says Dumby defiantly, “I want everyone to know that Ashli’s always on my $%*&”. That’s dick, dolls. I think the editors are just as grossed out by him as I am at this point, cause we get a real close close-up of all his zits while he’s saying it.
Parisa goes to Ashli and gets a little revenge for the spitting episode by repeating what Dumby is saying about her. Ashli is appalled. You put his tiny, pus covered penis in you mouth but this appalls you? I don’t get it. Ashli confronts Dumby, chock full o’ rightous indignation, but he doesn’t want to talk to her. So Ashli leaves.
Back at the house, Ashli is yelling and screaming and throwing pillows. Parisa’s just as grossed out as I am, and for once I don’t think it’s cause she wants him for herself. She feels like she knows too much. Ashli’s furious that all this time she’s been lying about what happened to “cover for him”. She’s excited to see how Dumby is going to explain this.
She confronts him again, with the big “we need to talk”. Dumby says he has “nothing to say on the issue”, but heads out the the bench with her nonetheless. “She’s trying to control ME and that pisses me off. I should not even be having this conversation with this girl”, he declares loftily. Now, I’m no fan of Ashli and her whoring, but the way he’s trying to flip this thing around, making it like she somehow manipulated him into cheating on his girlfriend, is really pissing me off. Like she’s even smart enough to do that.
Hey! I’m about to barf, too!
Anyway, Dumby’s furious and he pounds the table, telling Ashli she’s a stupid bitch. “Well, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s move on”, she replies dryly. Exactly. Didn’t he establish Ashli’s stupid bitchiness, like four episodes ago? Then he tells her to go fuck herself, she’s pathetic, and he’s not attracted to her. Then he tells her she’s dead, and if she got hit by a bus he wouldn’t give a shit. Then throws another “bitch” at her, and then he calls her trash. Oh Julie, you sure picked yourself a winner there, babe. And Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie’s Mom who “worships” him? Clearly a heavy drinker.
Ashli takes off with Noirin, who tells her not to cry, but Ashli can’t help it. And I can’t help but feel a little bad for her – yeah, she made her bed, who could predict this level of repulsiveness from another human being? Dumby goes to Parisa to complain that Ashli’s ruined his life. Well, he’s ruined my Xanax trip, so I say it’s even.
“You should believe in yourself”, Noirin advises Ashli. She usually does, Ash replies, but she’s never had such awful things said to her before. Parisa says that obviously, what happened between Dumby and Ashli meant a lot more to her than to him, and it must have been really hard for her to have to have kept it a secret. Dumby says that Ashli has no right to be mad, cause it’s all her own fault. She destroyed his life, he concludes. Well done, Ashli!
The next morning, Ashli confesses to Parisa that she hates herself for everything that happened with Dumby. Whether it was spooning, or dancing obnoxiously, she knows she shouldn’t have done anything, because he has a girlfriend. Parisa tells her not to let it define her as a person. I am so loving Parisa today.
Ashli realizes that she’s gotten nothing out of it – not even his friendship, because she realizes that he’s not the kind of person she wants to be friends with. She’s disappointed in herself for not having better judgment. I’m not hating her right now. We all make mistakes.
Don’t worry, hon. I’m sure he gave you something. It will look like this and be on your face. Fingers crossed!
That night, Cow takes KA out for a nice seafood dinner. Cow says he’s taking it one day at a time. KA’s still in denial that they’re leaving. KA thought Cow was a big hillbilly at first, but now he’s one of the sexiest guys she’s ever seen. Pickings must be really slim in Australia right now. Cow says that KA tries to come off like a big party girl, but he found out that’s not what she wants out of life. Then they go home, Cow puts on his sexy overalls with no shirt outfit, and then they have hot bumpkin sex.
The next day, Parisa is on stage, singing Amazing Grace with some country band with a fiddle player. She’s not a bad singer, if you like that whole overwrought, Jessica Simpson thing. It’s starting to hit them all that they’re leaving, and Parisa’s sad to be leaving her roommates. She’s so happy to be able to genuinely say that. I’m happy for her, cause really, friendship’s all she ever wanted from these people.
Dumby’s still moping about how he doesn’t want to lose Julie. She’s the only other person he cares about. Well, should have thought of that before you stuck your thing in Ashli’s face. I couldn’t feel less sorry for him. He gazes at a picture of Julie. Ashli says if they were to leave Sydney the way they are now, there would be a lot left unsaid. Don’t bother sweetie, so not worth it. But she tells the girls that she’s off to say what she needs to, goes over to Dumby and opens with the line, “Yo, I need to talk to you.”
Aw! I’ll bet he wears that exact same baseball cap in their wedding photos.
Dumby is playing pool, so she corrals him over to the couch for what she calls “closure”. Ashli warns him not to treat her the way he did the last time she tried to have this talk with him. He doesn’t know any other way to be. So again, why bother? But she persists.
She tells him how degrading it was for him to say what he said to Parisa and the random girls about her. “You went from being a cool, sweet girl to someone who always had something negative to say”, he accues her. It’s because you make me feel bad about myself, she tells him. No doll, you took care of that bit of business yourself, but I’m sure his constant slut/bitch cries didn’t help.
“OK, let me tell you how the next few days of my life are gonna go,” he explains to her, like he’s talking to a child. “I’m gonna go home. I have to get my girlfriend to drive me five hours back to where my truck is.” Five hours?!?! Can anyone else hear the violins? Well, five hours is long enough to explain this whole mess to Julie, though. Perhaps we’ll get lucky, Julie will grow a backbone, kick him out of the car and leave him on some back road in Mississippi, never to be heard from again.
“Then I have to explain to her that I cheated on her with you, so please don’t put this on me. I’m about to lose a lot,” Dumby continues. Don’t put this on me? Hmmm, bet that’s not what he was saying in bed. He WAS there, you know. Just pointing it out, cause he seems to have conveniently forgotten.
Ashli tells him how mad she was at herself for being “that girl”. That he’s so busy worrying about the reprecussions for himself, he doesn’t think how she might be affected. Nah, don’t feel sorry for you either, babe. Glad you learned the lesson, but don’t ask for sympathy now.
Bad skin by proxy.
“I’m not just a piece of ass!” she exclaims. OK, then what are you? No, really, what? He already has a girlfriend, so what does that make you? But Dumby interrupts her to tell her that she was never, and will never be a piece of ass. Typical abuser. Slut, bitch, but don’t feel bad baby, you’ll never be just a piece of ass. You’re a mouth, too.
Ashli is happy that they both have closure. Dumby’s just happy that his jilted mistress won’t be bothering him with anymore of these “we need to talk” talks, so now he can get back to his full time panicking about Julie. That night, Dumby goes to Ashli’s room. Oh, please let this be going where I think it’s going! Please let no one have learned anything! I don’t want what’s left of my Xanax buzz to go to waste.
Sure enough, Dumby wants Ashli to spoon with him. You know, just to prove that he can spoon with a girl and not do anything with her. After everything…is this guy serious? Ashli, who might very possibly have grown a brain, repeats my sentiments, followed by a, “No, never!”. Well, one last hookup would have been good for the recap, but I’m glad to see her deny him. He accuses her of being mean. Now she won’t do anything with him, and it’s still all her fault.
Then can we spork?
And then…it’s time to leave Sydney! All the roommates are packing up. Everyone’s sad. They don’t know what it’s going to be like when they go home. Cow is worried that KA will forget all about him. KA insists that she still wants to talk to him, that he’s everything she wants, but you can tell she’s already over it. He doesn’t think they were just some Sydney fling. I do.
Parisa gives all the roommies a gift. She gives Isaac and Noirin a rock that’s split in half. So that even when they’re apart, if they each have a half, they are one. Cowhutta gets a wind chime. Perfect for a person with a porch, like me, he notes. That’s why she bought it for him. She remembered. KA gets a gemini stone. Parisa tells her it’s to clear the mind and banish fears, but gemini? I think it’s in honor of KA’s two faces.
“If Parisa can see the good in me after all I’ve done to her, then she’s a good person”, says KA. Amen to that, sister. Marge can forget the spitting if she wants, but don’t you worry, I’ll keep it alive whenever I think of Real World Sydney. You can bet on it.
Ashli gets an evil eye, to protect her from people speaking ill of her. Parisa tries to understand everybody, says Ashli. Dumby gets a circular disk with a hole in it. The good luck stay in the stone, and the bad luck is supposed to pass right through. He’s had it rough, she reasons, he needs some good luck. You are officially a better person than me, Marge, I’m kind of hoping it chokes him in his sleep. Not to death mind you, I’m not as wretched as he is, but just enough so he can’t talk anymore. Trust me, the world would be a better place without his cruel commentary.
Dumby says that Parisa is a good person who means well, and for all the things that piss him off about her, there was never negative intent to it. True, even at her most desperate and annoying, I don’t think there’s a mean bone in that girl’s body.
I invented rocks.
The next morning, it’s officially time to say goodbye. Isaac comes to us from the most fabulous bathroom in Sydney. Fabulous bathroom, I’ll miss you most of all! Ashli is the first to go. Last in, first out. Dumby says if he ever sees Ashli again, maybe things will be different. Isaac gives her a hat. This is where I start to cry a little, and I’m not going to stop for the next five minutes.
Isaac, Dumby and Noirin are next out. Dumby extols his love for Cow, one of the best people he’s ever met, and as he walks out, Parisa runs after him to give him one more hug. It’s cute. She wishes him “buttloads” of happiness. Well, hopefully Gramps will be there to meet him in Natches and fulfill that wish.
Isaac says it’s time to move on. Dumby tells them to visit him back home, and Noirin says that “you’re the one person I definitely know I’ll see in the States.” After all the pandering she did to Parisa and Ashli, Dumby’s the one she wants to visit in America? Noirin’s a cool girl, for the most part, but a complete opportunist. I predict Isaac dumping her after the traveling is done. And I wouldn’t be at all shocked to see her pop up in the next Real World city.
Parisa bids KA and Cow farewell at the house. Cow regales us with one last grilled cheese monoluge. “Parisa, I’m gonna miss you a lot. You make a mean grilled cheese sandwich. Even in the heat of battle, you keep flippin’. You keep fryin’. That means a lot.” Thanks, Country. You left me laughing.
When Cow and KA get to the airport, they hug goodbye, and KA reminds us that even if they’re just friends, he’s too good to not have in her life. They are soooooo over. I feel bad for Cow, cause he’s clearly got some feelings for her, but he’s most definitely better off without that little minx. They trot off in separate directions, which is a little confusing cause there’s only a few flights a day from Sydney to the U.S., so they’re probably on the same plane, but whatever, it’s two minutes from the end so I’ll just play along.
CYA. Wouldn’t wanna be ya.
Back at the house, Parisa is the last to leave. And guess what? She looks absolutely adorable in her little sundress! She tells us how she appreciates every laugh, and every tear…”that’s what keeps you living” she says, as she walks off in the sunshine with a smile on her face. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m sobbing now – I honestly have so much appreciation for her journey. And honey, if you’re ever in LA…drinks are on me.
So that’s it! All in all, I think this was an excellent season of the Real World. We had great fights, tons of hookups and someone got kicked out. Plus puking in the confessional! What more could we ask for? I think this cast was a great example of the fact that there’s more than one side to everyone. And as for me, I called it like I saw it.
As always, love to all who read, extra love to all who commented…see you soon for Rock of Love 2! Kisses, ChickBomb