Hey dolls, did you know there was a Real World Sydney Reunion Special? I didn’t. After the finale aired, they showed a preview of The Gauntlet, so I just figured it was Parisa walking off in the sunshine, and we were done. But, no. MTV wants to rehash, and they want to take a whole damn hour to do it.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I loved this season of the Real World. It had all the drinking, fighting and hook-ups that I look for in a reality show, But I made my peace with this thing when Marge walked away. I’m already prepping for the next one, Real World Hollywood. So if you’re even considering complaining that I’m obviously over it, stop reading now. I am. I admit it. But if you want to see the claws, then by all means, read on!
The Real World Reunion is hosted by a pretty little Australian import named Lindsay, who surely hopped on a plane in hopes of parlaying this hosting gig into an American soap opera career.
Good luck with that.
We are reintroduced to the roommates. First is Trasha, who has taken the dual tone hair thing to a whole new level. It now literally looks like she has a blond wig planted on top of a black wig. She’s not even trying to blend anymore, and she’s rocking mall make-up. It’s altogether hideous.
Thanks for coming to Spencer Gifts. Would you like to try to try a fart pillow?
Dumby’s decked out in a button down shirt, gray zipped sweatshirt and of course, the ubiquitous southern frat boy trucker hat. Ashli is wearing an off the shoulder bright green sweater that looks about ten sizes too big for her. Parisa’s now got bangs, and they work on her. She’s wearing a cute dress, but at some point in this thing I notice that she’s accessorized with white pumps. And hello, Marge. Isaac is wearing a black and orange t-shirt, with a matching black and orange cap. It matches. That’s the nicest thing I can say about it. KA looks cute, and Cow looks the same. Oh, and Shauvon looks like a nineteenth century whore.
Love in the Time of Chlamydia: Coming Soon to DVD
First up on the hot seat are Dumby and Ash. Problem was, Dumby explains, there was a lot of frustration between them because they wanted to be with each other. Yeah, that’s how you know a guy wants to be with you, when he starts telling you everyday that you’re a bitch. And when he starts calling you a slut? Well, that’s how you know it’s really, truly love. But of course Ashli agrees that it was all unrequited love. Ashli’s grown on me a little bit, but I’m positive that if Dumby turned to her and declared his undying love for her she’d go for it in a flash.
But anyway, now they’re “cool”. And then, Lindsay goes for the big question – are Dumby and Dunbar ‘s Girlfriend Julie still together (translated: has he successfully beaten her into not dumping his ass)? The answer is yes (translated: yes, it took triple belts, actually, but yes). In fact, they are living together (translated: he has her tied up in his basement). But it’s “turbulent”:
Translated: sometimes she escapes, and he has to buy stronger rope.
Lindsay, like any other thinking woman, wants to know what it is about Dumby that makes the girls go crazy? “It’s called alcohol,” Ashli informs her. Funny, but speak for yourself Kermit. As far as I’m concerned, there ain’t enough whiskey on earth.
Next, Lindsay asks Parisa why she was so nice to Dumby when he was so mean to her. Why, because she had the hots for him, of course! But her excuse was that “he’s been through a lot”. Parisa’s a sweetheart, and I hear that sentiment, but there’s only so far you can take that hard luck story. No one’s denying that getting diddled by your confederate Grandpa sucks, but Dumby needs to break the cycle.
Lindsay, who I now love because she thinks just like me, wonders if it was “sexual tension” between them. The crack production team backs up her assertion with a montage of Parisa rubbing sun tan lotion on Dumby’s back, and a bunch of other blatant flirting. But Parisa adamantly denies it. No sexual tension, none at all, she insists. She swears she didn’t want to kiss him. And she would know, cause her Mom’s a psychiatrist. Say no more, Marge. Everyone knows children of shrinks are the most fucked up of all.
Still love the bangs, though.
Ashli makes a last ditch attempt to win Dumby’s heart by defending him. He’s actually very charming, she insists, they only just showed him being an asshole. Now that Ashli has finally realized that there was a camera there, she’s ready to blame everything on it. But Isaac defends him too, saying that Dumby was provoked. I agree. Remember all those meals Parisa cooked for him? Provoking.
Next, Lindsay calls out everyone’s favorite spittin’ little ho for telling Parisa that Dumby wasn’t “hers”, but coming on to him herself in the hot tub. KA admits that “it wasn’t right to act like a big whore on TV.” And I have not one doubt she’d do it all the exact same way again.
And then it’s time for the Country Lovin’ portion of the show, or as Lindsay sweetly calls it, True Romance. The first thing clip we flash back to is Cow telling KA that she needs “a man, not a damn boy”. And as we all know, the test of a “man” is how much work you can ditch, and what a whiny little bitch you can be when you bruise your precious little ankle.
So where do the bumpkins stand now? Well, KA spent time with him in the mountains, and she says they’re still together. The audience cheers. Awwww. But wait! Cow says they’re not boyfriend and girlfriend! He says they’re on a level other than friendship, but he’s not down on one knee. Interesting. Cause when they left Sydney, it seemed like he was still into it, but she was pretty much done. Well played, Country. Hard to get was definitely the way to go with this dumb little puppy.
Oh, and then Cow says he trusts KA. Sucker.
She didn’t say it was wrong to act like a big whore when she’s not on TV.
Then it’s time for a couple that I know is over before the grilling even begins, Isaac and Noirin. She’s super turbo mega sexy, says Isaac in the clip package. Please tell us that you’re still together, says Lindsay. Oh, please Isaac, pretty please, please say you’re still together. We all care so damn much, and really, there was just so much hope for a long-term relationship between a guy on a reality show and a backpacker partying it up in Sydney. Isaac says it’s complicated. When did he start mincing words? Just say it’s done.
Then he reminds us of his opinion that if it’s not a marriage type of thing, then it’s nothing. We’re talking, he continues. “Do you think maybe you could work it into a marriage situation?” Lindsay begs. Come off it, Linds, these people are twenty! But she keeps pushing. Would you move to Ireland for her, she wants to know. No, he would not. He says it rains too much there and the food is nasty. Sorry, Irish fame whore. Not gonna happen. But thanks for playing! At least you had a free place to stay in Sydney.
And the last relationship we hear about is Shauvon and David. Her clips show her alternately crying about how much she loves her boyfriend, and crawling into bed with random boys. Love, sweet love. Shauvon looks like she dropped out of a bordello in the Civil War, and into a tanning bed. Her boobs are bigger than ever, and smooshed into some corset looking thing. They are very orange, and also very shiny. On the plus side, she has banished the black from her hair, and now it’s all a fluorescent colored blonde.
But enough about the look. The big news is, Shauvon and David are no longer together. I already knew this because Flippy ran into Shauvon (and Trasha) a few months back, and Shauvon was toting around a gay pet, who oddly felt the need to point out to Flippy that he was definitely not gay. Look, when you have to point it out to people, then don’t even bother.
The story is, once she returned to Sacramento, David wanted to pretend like the whole Sydney thing didn’t happen. So they were engaged, she loves him, but in the end, it didn’t work out. Gee, who could have predicted that?
And then we move on to one of the best parts of the season, if for no other reason than Cow’s monologue, The Grilled Cheese Incident! We start off with a montage of Shauvon yelling at everyone. A lot. You know, I have to say I really didn’t notice this while watching the show, but Shauvon’s kind of angry and unstable.
And now she’s here to clarify that the argument was not about grilled cheese at all. It was about guys vs. girls, and Shauvon’s opinion that Parisa let the boys walk all over her, but not the girls. They all start talking over each other, and then Ashli gets in the mix. Kermit, you weren’t even there, so shut up. Shauvon echoes my sentiment, but attaches a condescending “honey” to it. Eh, who are we fooling, I would have thrown one in the recap if she hadn’t done it first.
Trasha, in the first of many comments that she makes in attempt to make herself look like a lovely person, says that she, Shauvon and KA tried to get Parisa to hang out with them…only to be interrupted by KA telling her to leave her name out of it. Fickle, fickle. What happened to the spit sisters’ promise of making Parisa pay with itching powder?
Let us pray.
Dumby extols the virtue of his and Parisa’s deep relationship, although Parisa calls him out on having heard rumors that he’s been talking shit about her. To who? Where? I bet you this nonsense is going down on Myspace. I’ve got to figure out what my damn screen name is so I can snoop around. But Shauvon points out that for all the awful things Dumby said to and about Parisa (and he did, oh, he did) she always forgave him, but Shauvon’s yelling didn’t get the same pass. Well, one point for you, Mayflower Madam.
But then Shauvon’s argument goes terribly wrong, when she uses Trasha as an example of how to get along with people. Trasha’s a girl’s girl, Shauvon explains to us. Oh, are we back to this girl code business? Is this a segue way for the Slimy Alex drama? Why yes, it is.
And there he is, in all his greasy haired, Miami Vice jacketed glory. Trash makes it clear that she never made out with him. Whatever that means. But Parisa sure did! Lindsay starts making sense again by asking Parisa if perhaps she should have just laid off, given that he was already with someone she was already fighting with. My point exactly, my point all along. No one’s disagreeing that Trasha’s an ass, but don’t exacerbate, and then sit there wondering why everyone’s so upset, Miss “My Mom’s A Psychiatrist”.
Then it comes out that Alex had bad body odor, which makes the whole thing even more pathetic, except if Parisa had actually orchestrated this whole drama just cause it made good television. Parisa reiterates that she and Trash never got along in the first place, and never would have been friends anyway.
Then they show the big fight between Trash and Parisa. They skip the part about Parisa puking in the confessional. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with that part. Then they show Trasha hating, hating, hating, like the good Christian girl she is. Finally, they show Parisa kicking Trasha out, and KA and Ashli spitting. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with that part either. Body fluids usually gross me out. You know that stomach flu going around? No less than FOUR airplane passengers tried to hand me filled up barf bags when I was playing stewardess this weekend. Can someone help me out here, because for the life of me I cannot understand why you would hand a bag of puke to someone while they’re pouring you a Coke. What was I to do with it? Garnish with a lemon and place it in my ice drawer? Sorry. Airline people love to bitch. Moving on.
Lindsay wants to know if it was worth it to send Trasha home. Yes, Parisa replies easily. Of course, vindication is always worth it. I fully believe in karma, but if you have the opportunity to help it along, then by all means! KA chimes in, saying, “I was like, fight! Fight!” KA, are you sure you don’t want to be with Dumby? The more I hear out of you, the more I’m convinced you may just be the perfect, bottom feeding couple.
Romeo, Romeo, where the f are you, you f ing prick face?
Trasha makes another attempt to prove what a delightful young lady she really is by saying that she knows it was her fault. BUT, had the tables been turned, she would not have sent Parisa home. I said that all along. She would have kept Parisa in the house and made her life a living hell. Like any good Christian would do.
And how now, Lindsay wants to know? Parisa says they’re “totally cool”. Lie. “She’s chillin’”. Lie. “I’m chillin’”. Lie. “We’re chillin’”. Lie. Enough, Marge. You hate each others’ guts. And who says “chillin’”?
Isaac says that in the house, Trasha did cause a lot of problems, but since she’s been gone, he can breathe for the first time. Sorry, Idol Fever! I’m recapping the last Hollywood night, dolls! I’m so excited! Get ready to see a side of ChickBomb you’ve never seen before. I may be cavalier about Real World, but when it comes to Idol, I am deadly serious. Sorry, off topic again. Anything to not have to write any more about the Real World Sydney.
ANWAY, Isaac drops a comment about how Trasha “gives good head”. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what he said. Well, well, well. When did this happen? And why haven’t we covered Trasha and Jarrod’s relationship? What’s that you say? Cause no one cares? Yeah, me either. Who’s bright idea was it to make this reunion a whole hour anyway?
Isaac continues on that everyone disliked Trasha. Cow clarifies that he didn’t dislike her, but he wanted to beat her down sometimes. Shauvon makes it clear that omigod, she loooooves Trasha! KA says that the worst was Trasha and Shauvon together. You were in that bitch klatch too, sweetheart. Is it wrong that I wish Dumby would lock KA’s ass up in the basement too?
I don’t hate you, I just want to beat the crap out of your ho ass.
And now for the “never before seen footage!” Isaac and Dumby had a fake fight, and someone tried to call an ambulance. I missed the first part of it though, cause I was over on VH1 at Celebrity Rehab. Is anyone else seriously disturbed by what’s happened to Kenicke? I just loved him back in the day. My cousin even named her Cabbage Patch Kid after him.
Then we hear about how Isaac peed everywhere in the house. Well, that’s just disgusting. Then we hear abut how KA peed on Cow one night while she was sleeping. Cow tells the story. It’s funny, but still gross. But I’m glad, now KA can go down in reality TV history as the honey who spit on her roommates AND peed herself.
Then it’s time for “unseen hookups”. Except everything they show is stuff we already have seen. Quit trying to drum up business, Linds, this reunion’s a dud. Isaac, in addition to peeing all over the house, had sex all over the house as well. Apparently, he was doing it in a closet during The Grilled Cheese Incident. Good for him.
Ashli tells a dumb story about a guy she met out one night, who she thought was really hot, so she let her write his number on her belly, but when she saw him in the sober daylight, he turned out to be fat and bald. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ashli, what a hilariously entertaining storyteller you are.
I love that part about how you’re a drunk slut. Tell it again! Hi mom!!
The last report on the romance front is that allegedly, Parisa was bringing home cute boys right and left. This comes from Ashli, who seems to have morphed from Trasha’s bitch into Parisa’s. Parisa adds she had a boyfriend in Sydney named Adam, but we just didn’t see him cause it was juicier to show her stealing Alex. Hell yeah, it was.
Finally, we hear the season’s unofficial catchphrase, which was about five different incantations of “shut the fuck up”. Classy bunch. Even you, Marge.
And then, Linds gives the roomies one last chance to clear their good names. Trasha mentions the McDonalds incident, and the gay pride parade thing, which she claims she didn’t attend simply because she wanted to detox that night. She wants us all to know she’s not racist or homophobic. Sure honey, whatever you say.
Shauvon wants to clear up that she did NOT have sex on the show. It’s a big deal to my family and my character, she explains earnestly. I can’t even concentrate on what the hell she’s saying, cause I’m just waiting for one of those shiny orange boobs to come popping out.
Your characters speak for themselves, doll.
Parisa wants us to know that she doesn’t hate Trasha and she’s “over it”. Tell yourself that another hundred times hon, maybe you’ll believe it. And finally, Dumby and Ash tell us that they’re cool too, and then Dumby gets down on one knee to fake propose. And then FINALLY we’re done.
See you for the next season in Hollywood! Kisses ’til then! CB