This week on the Real World Sydney, Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie’s coming! Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie’s coming! For those of you just tuning in, I call her that cause…well, that’s how she introduced herself to us. He might have beaten her identity away. Let’s stow away in her suitcase and see…
We start off with a little Shauvon and David nonsense. He wants her to leave Sydney for the fabulous life in Sacramento. And she’s actually considering it! Now she’s not sure if she wants a career, she’s thinking she should probably just skip right to marriage and kids. KA tells her if she really loves David, that she SHOULD go home to him. Cow agrees. I cannot believe what I’m hearing. Did MTV hop in their time machine to 1955 to cast this thing?
But enough about that. The whole house is abuzz with the impending arrival of Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie! Dumby tells us, for the first of about a hundred times, that she’s awesome. He wants to show her everything he can about Sydney. Yes, I’m sure Julie will absolutely love the kitchen and the inside of the phone room. Best parts of Sydney, no doubt.
Parisa’s in the kitchen in her favorite gold collared shirt…and what looks like grandma panties? Oh, come on, this is too easy. Dumby tells us if anyone starts anything with his girl, he WILL go off. Dumby doesn’t realize that not everyone shares his philosophy of other people simply existing as receptacles for anger. But whatever, Dumby and DGJ talk on the phone about how excited they are to see each other, they agree that they love each other and ring off.
Show me on this pillow where Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie is gonna touch you.
And back in the kitchen, Dumby is wandering around shirtless with a physique that can best be described as mushy. Southern frat boys love their keggers. He tells us how he hates things dirty, while Parisa cleans up. Perhaps they are meant for each other after all. She asks him if he wants coffee, which somehow degenerates into them snapping at one another. See, they totally act married.
Parisa is “beyond excited” that DGJ is coming. First I’m thinking, don’t overdo it honey, we all know you still think you’re soul mates, but then she clarifies. DGJ is going to give him love, and he needs love, cause he’s all worked up. Parisa says she just wants Dumby to be happy and smiling and nice. Hope is a beautiful thing.
And then, hey Contiki! Where ya been? It’s been so long since we’ve heard about the “job”, that they remind is it’s a vacation package planning. KA is the team leader for the latest assignment, which is nightlife. Well, they only ever go to one place and that’s Cargo Bar. So, good for business at Cargo Bar, but if these poor Contiki package suckers are looking for a good time anywhere else, they’re fucked.
Is it time for lunch yet?
Trasha says they’re supposed to eat at different restaurants and recommend food. Different restaurants. Who are we kidding? She even looks confused when she says it. Dumby just hopes the group work doesn’t interfere with his DGJ time.
So, later that night, back in the kitchen, Dumby tells Parisa to be ready to go in an hour and forty-five minutes. But this doesn’t work for Princess P, who has to work out, and shower and change into one of her wallpaper patterned dresses to go out. Of course, it turns into another fight, culminating in Parisa telling us that she’s tired of being understanding of him. Finally! That guy’s been walking all over her since day one.
She hits the computer in her lovely dirt colored shawl, which we learn is actually a blanket, when Dumby asks her if she’s going to put it away. She sarcastically tells him, no, she’s going to leave it all over the house. Well, of course, dirt colored goes with everything.
And this is all it takes for Dumby to completely lose it, and ask Parisa if she’s going to puke in any more rooms. Hahahahah. Is she? That was one of the best Real World moments evaaaaaah! Then he goes off on her about cleaning. Which is a bit ridiculous, Parisa’s got neat freak written all over her. She calmly tells him to go ahead, keep yelling, and give himself a heart attack.
I’d like to think that in Mississippi they’re wearing t-shirts that say Dunbar.
Isaac, my favorite voice of reason in a jumpsuit, tells us that while they’re arguing about dumb stuff, it’s really about deeper stuff, like unrequited love. Proven, when Parisa tells Dumby that he should be thanking her for cleaning up the whole house for DGJ. “I wanted the house to be clean for your girlfriend,” she tells him. Seriously, who but the desperate would clean the house for the girlfriend of the guy who treats her like crap who she still has a crush on?
Either way, instead of being grateful for Marge’s Maid Service, Dumby twists it into telling her she never cleans up after him. She never said she did, meanie, she just said she cleaned up after everyone else for him. Everyone else sits around trying to ignore it. Partly cause it’s ugly, and partly cause they know they’re messy pigs, and better to just keep their mouths shut or no one will clean. Dumby heads off to the workout room and does about three pull-ups, which is all his squishy arms can stand.
Later, in the most fabulous bathroom in Sydney, Dumby is getting ready to go out. I find it fascinating that his first order of business in dressing is to plant that dirty trucker hat on his head. And while he does so, Trasha pokes her head out of the shower to tell him that she doesn’t know what his argument with Parisa was really about – who does? – but that Dumby was out of line. Go Trash!
Trasha wants to stick up for Parisa and all women. Ooooh, there I’m drawing the line. She’s growing on me, but I still haven’t elected Trasha’s Girl Code as my party of choice. But still, cool of her to stand up. Would Parisa have stuck up for Trasha I wonder, or raced to Dumby’s side? She tells him that even if he’s not sorry for what the fight was about, perhaps he should just apologize for how he handled it. Damn, I am starting to like this bitch. What happened? But, of course, Dumby says that he can’t apologize. He just can’t.
How do you get tear stains out of rayon?
Parisa calls her Mom to tell her about the latest Dumby drama, and her Mom tells her that he has no right to speak to her that way. If you let a man yell or scream at you, you’re letting them abuse you, she tells Parisa, and that’s your own fault. Well, not really. She does need to stand up to him, but it’s hardly Parisa’s fault Dumby’s a jerk with displaced anger problems. She’s only ever trying to be nice to his Grandpa molested ass.
And then, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the arrival of Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie! But wait! He’s meeting her at the house? The girl travels twenty hours on a plane to see him, and he can’t even get his ass to the airport to pick her up? I remember Dumby telling us way back when that he’s a “Southern Gentleman”. Well, he wasn’t waiting for her with the belt, I guess that’s as gentlemanly as he’s gonna get.
DGJ alights from the cab with her hair scrunched up in a bun, and a plain white headband. She’s going for the I’m-Just-About-To-Wash-My-Face-Before-Bed look. OK, I get that it’s a long flight and all, but did she not realize that she was going to be meeting up with her boyfriend who she hadn’t seen in weeks? ON CAMERA? Come on girl, I know Mississippi doesn’t do Vogue, but get it together.
Woah, easy on the eyebrow wax.
They have a sweet reunion though, and he does carry her bags into the house. She has that ugly fabric small print soft bag that they sell at every airport in the South. Oooh, perhaps we can whip up a matching dress for Parisa? Nah, she likes bolder prints. Dumby’s got his sunglasses perched on the back of his neck…yet another Real World fashion trend that I have yet to understand.
When they get inside, Dumby mumbles an introduction to Isaac, and Isaac’s friend Leah. Leah looks like Pam Anderson. I’m surprised we haven’t heard about her, given the last time Isaac got laid he was having billboards designed, and this Leah’s a friendly type who definitely looks like she’s putting out. And I’m sorry, but is he wearing 3-D glasses? Well, I’ve been liking Isaac lately, so I’ll just give that one a “hmmm…quirky.”
This is what will happen if you vote for socialized medicine.
The first thing Dumby tells DGJ is how bad he went off on Parisa the night before. But it was no worse than you’ve seen me do, he quickly reminds her. “So you ventilated,” commented DGJ. Well said, Jules. Props to the Mississippi school system. But Isaac begs to differ, and reminds Dumby of the veins popping in his head. And then tiny little Cow skips in to meet Dumby’s “chick”.
Dumby and Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie go to the beach. DGJ has a cute little body, but what’s with the white headband? I’m a headband girl too, but this one looks like a bandage from the Sears collection. Dumby tells us she lightens him up. That’s sweet.
That night they go out to dinner. DGJ’s found herself a dress and some makeup, and now we have something to work with. Dumby tells her he thinks he’s the least selfish person in the house, and looks to DGJ for confirmation. She tells him he’s not selfish, just opinionated, and that’s two different things. Is DGJ clever, or is she really, really dopey?
It’s romantic how you talk about Parisa so much.
Dumby tells us he’s been told to never feel or care about anyone more than yourself. That is some sad upbringing. But then he says he can’t do that. He loves Julie. Awwww, cute. I believe it, too. After dinner, they snuggle in bed together. DGJ asks him how good it feels to “spoon”. Dumby thinks it’s awesome. “Just wait til we fork,” DGJ teases. Good one, DGJ! Clever it is!
Then we have some more lame Shauvon and David crap. Isaac and Trash tell her it’s not right. Then we hear sad piano music and see some rain, so we know what’s coming. It’s David and Shauvon (In her cheap sunglasses. At night. In the rain.) talking on the phone. He’s swearing at her and telling her it doesn’t seem like she’s doing anything to get home. Well, she’s considering it. Even that’s too much.
Shauvon asks David if he only loves her if she comes home now, what kind of love is that? Exactly. But honey, this zebra ain’t changing his stripes. I love you more than anybody, he whines. And I don’t feel that you really want to come home, he continues. She doesn’t. But for some stupid reason, she still wants him.
Back to the Contiki project. They have to do some lunches and dinners, but it’s hard to get the group together. Which of course is everyone’s fault but Dumby’s, and of course makes him yell at Parisa for the horrifyingly awful sin of saying the mini mall where they have chosen to have lunch looks nice. It’s Thai Express by the way. Cause everyone knows that chain Thai restaurants are the best way to experience Australia.
How bout a romantic dinner for two at Hot Dog on a Stick?
At lunch, Dumby is sandwiched between DGJ and Parisa. When the bill comes, Dumby calculates his share, and Parisa agrees, prompting Dumby to snidely comment, “I can count!” Then he looks at DGJ as if to say, “You see???”
But the polar forces in the other hemisphere seem to have messed with DGJ’s brainwashing. Later, in the kitchen DGJ tells him he can be mean sometimes. Nosey Parisa is listening in, and when she hears this, she laughs loudly and hysterically and yells, “I love Julie!” Too much, Marge, too much.
“I have never been mean to anyone in this house.” Dumby declares. “Such a lie!” is Parisa’s response. She tells Julie that because he talks to her on a certain level, he thinks that creates a closeness that allows him to also be an asshole to her. It’s wife beater logic, and I don’t buy it any more than Parisa does. And guess what? DGJ doesn’t either!
KA tells us she has respect for Julie. Reason being, “if she can put up with Dunbar, she’s gotta be a pretty cool girl.” Or a future resident or the women’s shelter. KA, you were cuter when you were talking less, cupcake.
And finally it’s time for Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie to go home. How the time flies. Dumby is sad. He says he wants to cry…on the inside. Oh, on the outside too, Mr. Repression, just admit it. DGJ gives everyone in the house big hugs goodbye, and I will say she seems like a very sweet girl. And, and good influence on Dumby. I know, I talk shit on him like crazy, but the dude’s had a tough road. He needs a sweetheart.
And a better aim.
BUT WHY THE HELL CAN’T HE DRIVE HER TO THE AIRPORT???? Once again, she’s on her own to find her way out of the country. Probably just handed her some bus fare and sent her off. And as soon as she’s gone, Mean Dumby is baaaaack! Something about a receipt for the Thai restaurant. I’m exhausted just watching it. Of course, it’s 100% Parisa’s fault.
Later, when they get to the Contiki office, Dumby’s still on the Thai lunch receipt. The New Marge tells him not to speak to her like that, especially at work. “Let me talk like you,” he mimics. Ooooh, I really hate that. So rude. He caps it off with a classy, “Shut the fuck up,” and Parisa walks out! Good for her! Rise above!
Parisa walks out on Dumby, and right over some Contiki boss named Chris to tattle. He screamed and attacked me and I don’t feel comfortable with that kind of aggression. I feel threatened, she continues. Contiki Chris makes Dumby apologize, which I kind of enjoy, even though it couldn’t be more obvious that he doesn’t mean it at all. “I’m sorry for using that word,” he carefully states. Heart. Felt. Not.
You better say you’re fake sorry or I’m gonna fake fire you from this fake job.
See, it’s like they’re in marriage counseling. I wonder if Dumby and Marge did it, would it chill things out with everyone? Would make for great drama, that’s for sure. They have my vote! Parisa says she wants to wipe the slate clean, but Dumby says she’s more outwardly hostile to him than anyone else in the house. Ummmm, really? I think after the last two weeks, Trasha wins the Outwardly Hostile Award from Parisa. Unless the Real World is playing some Hills-esque editing tricks with the timing of this thing.
“I am the emotional person I am in real life,” Dumby informs us. I’m so tired of the “I am how I am and I’m not going to change” song. It’s OK to change, you know. Especially if you’re a big jerk and everyone notices. Then it’s actually kind of a really good idea.
“I don’t attack, I retaliate,” he continues defiantly. Soooo not true. What is he retaliating against? Parisa’s cooking? Her shower singing? Cleaning? Wallpaper pattern dresses? Well, OK, that I’d have to “retaliate” against too. You know how I hate crimes of fashion.
We end with Contiki Chris reminding the couple in crisis that it’s a work relationship. Oh, no it’s not. That’s why we’re watching. The Thai Express receipt is such a metaphor for sex. I’m not sure how, exactly. But I know it is.
You only give ten percent and you expect a free cookie afterward?
Next week, more Shauvon and David drama, and we also get back to the country lovin’ with KA and Cow! That I’m excited about cause it looks like KA may be a cheatin’ heart. See ya then!