Real World Sydney: Mother’s Day

Well, here it is, dolls. The much anticipated Busted Condom episode of the Real World Sydney. I don’t know about you all, but I’m on pins and needles waiting for the outcome on this one. I’m sure it won’t be an overly hyped false alarm or anything. Also, Dumby turns on Ashli. Let the drama commence!

We start the show with what has become a very familiar sight on The Real World, Ashli rolling around in Dumby Bear’s bed. She says he’s very guarded about what he doesn’t want Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie to know. In other words, he’s not telling DGJ nothin’ and with Ash, he’s going to start pretending like it didn’t happen.

He whines about how hard it is not to have sex with Ashli. No kidding. Hey, you know what would make it easier? Not spooning half naked with her. I know, sounds crazy, but it just might work. Dumby continues on about how hard it is not to have sex with Ashli as he tumbles, shirtless, into bed with her. He tells her how much he enjoys her company, and how much he enjoys holding her as he no doubt rubs up against her, gets her all sticky and thinks proudly to himself what a great boyfriend he is for not cheating.

Meanwhile, Ashli complains that if it weren’t for Julie, Dumby would do what he wanted to do. Honey, Julie’s not holding him at gunpoint you know. She’s not even in the same country as you two. Dumby needs to “man up” says Ashli. Damn straight, a real man would most definitely drop the nice girl in Mississippi for the succubus ho.

Later on, in order to further his quest to make it all Ashli’s fault, Dumby is complaining to Isaac that Ashli is trying to trick him and seduce him. She’s cr-cr-crafty! “Ashli’s all over me. That’s a problem,” Dumby states matter of factly. Isaac tells him (sarcastically, I think) that he’s a stud. “How come every girl in the house wants to bang you?” Isaac wonders to him. OK, he has to be fucking with Dumby. “Cause I have a girlfriend,” Dumby flippantly laments. Oh, he thinks it’s serious. Too funny! Isaac makes a comment about the reason being that Dumby has a large penis. Somehow, I’m thinking no. Actually, I’m just assuming no. The thought of Dumby’s pimply, wifebeater junk is just too nauseating.

You know what they say about a guy with big pimples….

Dumby continues his complaining that every time he gets into bed, Ashli is already in there. Oh, the planning of getting her in the bed by the time Dumby gets in there must be some mission. Dumby gives the signal, which is an exaggerated yawn and stretch. Ash scampers off to get ready for bed. When he sees her cross the catwalk into his room, that’s the signal to start his before bed preparations. Then when he gets to his room, oh well, Ashli’s already there. Guess he just has to cuddle with her. Drat. Isaac too points out that he never hears Dumby explain why he doesn’t tell Ashli to just get out of his bed.

Next, Dumby informs Isaac that KA and Cow are still together. And speaking of these two, we get an unnecessarily long close up of Cow brushing his teeth, his mouth full of toothpaste. Glad he cares about his dental hygiene, don’t need the detailed video, thanks. KA comes out from one of the stalls with a coy look and her fingers in her hair and asks if he’s going to bed. He tells her no, he doesn’t sleep anymore. Oh, that county lovin! Will keep you up all night! They head into one of the rooms with a blanket.

While Cow and KA are in the sex room, Parisa and Noirin, Isaac’s girl, are hanging out in the loft, and all of the sudden Noirin asks, “Is that a cat?” No, replies Parisa, that was KA. Then they dissolve in laughter, because really, listening to people having sex when you’re doing something totally not sex related is funny. But things take a stunningly serious turn a moment later, as we see KA in bed saying the words immortalized in about eight million previews, “This condom busted.”

What’s your highest Scrabble score?

“If you get pregnant, you’re coming to Georgia,” Cow immediately tells her. Oh my, if I was KA I would have shit myself with fear at that one. “I’m the most fertile guy in the world!” he exclaims joyously. Oh yeah? How does he know? How many little Cows are already running around out there? This is one scary busted condom incident, let me tell you.

And KA is indeed freaking out. “Don’t say that, I don’t want to have kids!” she frantically admonishes him. “Well, brace yourself,” he tells her, having already mentally designed and constructed Country Junior’s straw hat.

Post condom busting, KA races out of the sex room and Noirin makes fun of her for the mewing. KA giggles, but to the camera starts detailing the incident. They were being very safe, she says, but accidents happen. And she’s not on birth control, she throws in, like oh, I just remembered.

The day after the incident, when I’m sure KA is just in denial mode and trying to pretend it didn’t happen, Cow practically attacks her with the edict that if she is pregnant, they “gotta go home and raise a family, you know that.” He sounds downright hopeful. It occurs to me that perhaps Cow had a little moment with the condom in question and a sharp household object. KA does not look thrilled at the prospect of joining the cult in the mountains of Georgia.

I can’t move to France.

Later on, Dumby Bear, the gentleman, has to weigh in on KA’s sexual vocal performance. It was a little pitchy, he says. Oh sorry, wrong show. But who else is so ready for American Idol already? Anyway, back to KA. Damn, that girl sure is noisy. First the mewing, now Dumby. He says that he heard “progressively louder ‘oh yeahs’ for about five minutes.” Dumby is creepy enough to listen, probably gauging the sound progression in a little notepad. Cow tries to say it wasn’t KA, there’s just a cat and a squirrel up there. You just know they’re doing cat / squirrel sexual role play. It’s so country.

Isaac reports that KA and Cow have a good dynamic, they’re both cool about what’s going on, but who knows what may happen in the future? There could be wedding bells, but there could be butcher knives, he tells us. OK, I know Cow likes to do it all country, but it’s 2007 for crying out loud. I think KA could just hit the clinic.

Later on, KA talks to her sister Kalan on the phone, and gives her the big news. She tells Kalan the dramatic story. One busted condom? Kalan’s not impressed. She tells KA she really doesn’t think she’s pregnant. KA tells Kalan that Cow’s acting crazy, telling her if she is with child, they’re on the next Qantas and four puddle jumpers back to Georgia. KA doesn’t think she could do it. Or maybe she could. Maybe it’s her destiny. Cool, whatever, seems like a pretty stable deal to bring a kid into.

He did brush his teeth first…

So, anyone else notice that it doesn’t seem like they’re getting a new replacement roommate? Seems like Noirin kind of moved in by default. That Noirin, she’s one smart cookie. Free rent and TV exposure for at least month. Deal! And she says whatever the hell she wants. She’s stirring shit up with Dumby, asking how he and Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie met. Apparently, it was at a bar. They flirted for a while, and when they started dating, they didn’t have sex for a few weeks. He makes an exceptionally big point of this. I don’t know why, cause surely Ashli’s been in the house for a few weeks by this time, so that whole it-didn’t-count-cause-I-barely-know-her reason isn’t going to fly. Next?

Then Noirin continues to stir the pot by telling Dumby that she knows he and Ashli are having sex. He alternates between denying it, saying they only did it once – big deal, and ending with the statement, “I did not have sex with Ashli.” Thank you, Bill Clinton. Meanwhile, Ash is on the phone with her Mom back home, who has received a cryptic message via FedEx package this morning from the Sneaky PA that says “Ask Ashli if there’s anyone she has a crush on.” Mommy obliges, and then we get to hear about Dumby. Not surprisingly, Ashli does not fill Mom in on all the sex. She instead tells her Mom that they spoon, to which Mom replies, “That’s weird, Ashli.” “It’s a comfort thing, Mom!” our little whore princess snaps back defensively.

Can you hear that sound of pride crackling through the phone line?

Then Mom asks if there was anyone else Dumby was spooning. Oh, you mean besides his girlfriend and KA, before she got bored of his ass? Ashli, desperately trying to paint a rosy picture her, tells her Mom no. Ash says that she doesn’t tell her Mom the truth because she doesn’t think everyone wants to know. Please, that’s the only reason you’re getting any camera time, honey. You need to milk it. Ashli’s Mom tells her not to ruin his relationship with his girlfriend. She snaps that he’s already done that. But wait, I thought you were just spooning, you know, comfort thing? Way to keep it on the down low, ho.

The next day, KA is in full fledged pregnancy panic. She races to the scale to weigh herself. Great idea – it’s been a whole, what, forty eight hours since the busted condom, the baby should have put a few extra pounds on by now. Who needs Clear Blue Easy? KA says she will know if she’s late or not by Sunday. Considering it’s all just a blur of people sitting around the house and fighting over the electronic devises that link them to the outside world and I have no idea what day it is…I have no idea how long it is ’til Sunday. She frets to Isaac and Noirin about being preggers with County Jr. They pretty much laugh at her.

And now it’s Cow’s time to share. He gets on the phone, and I’m thinking, please let it be Grandpa Mountain, and it is! Grandpa’s frisky, remember, so the first thing he wants to know is about the girls. Cow tells him he “got something goin’” with KA but that he “had an accident with her.” An accident – he makes it sound like he peed the floor in front of her. He tells Grandpa that he’s not worried though, cause he’s a grown man and all.

Grandpa Mountain mostly just drawls “yeah” a lot while Cow’s giving him the update, but wraps up the call with the reminder to Cow that he knows what a true man is – not how much ass you can whip, just how he can handle himself in a crisis. True colors come out in a crisis, he concludes. MTV gives us subtitles for Grandpa Mountain’s soliloquy, which is a good thing cause Country is hard to translate. Does anyone else want to see a reality show starring Grandpa Mountain and the Cowhuttas?

No, do you?

The next night, all the roommates, including the new roommate Noirin, and not including the outcast Parisa, are out at some club, probably Cargo Lounge. Noirin continues her mission of annoying the hell out of Dumby over this Ashli situation. Ashli overhears, and gets very upset about the “rumors” about her and Dumby. First of all, what rumor? You and Dumby, honey, that’s a fact. Then she bitches to the new roommate Noirin, who was the one talking about her, that she is bothered by everyone else talking about her sex life. Hey again, you know what would make people not talk about your sex life? Not having sex on TV! I know, sounds crazy, but it just might work.

Then Ashli says in a very menacing kind of voice that Dumby Bear doesn’t want Julie to know. Wouldn’t it be so great if Ashli told Julie? That would take the Real World drama to a whole new level. Ashli, please get fatal attraction on his ass.

But instead, Ashli just crawls back into bed with Dumby later that night. He starts talking more nonsense about getting Julie’s permission to get a threesome going. Then, Dumby the southern gentleman, tells the camera that “I don’t think the girls here have anything to offer, besides sexually”. By the way, I felt a little bad about writing that part about his pimply penis earlier in the recap, but when he said this, I didn’t anymore. Thanks, Zitty.

Back in bed, Ashli tells Dumby that she just doesn’t want him to think he’s in charge of whatever happens there. Sure babe, you’re the boss. Then she says it’s one thing to have a secret, it’s another thing to have to lie all the time. Secret? Does she still think it’s a secret? Or did they do it again? I want answers!

Now tell me what to do and call me stupid!

Next day (I guess, who can tell) Ashli is confiding to KA about her situation with Dumby. She says she feels disrespected. Well, I never. KA mentions that when Dumby thought she liked him, he would always look at her like, “yeah, you want me.” That cracked me up, it was so true. I’m still mad at KA in general, but I did love the way she handled Dumby.

KA continues by telling Ashli that Dumby’s behavior got to the point where it grossed her out. Ashli jumps on that bandwagon saying that yeah, now that you mention it, after he told her that he didn’t want her to feel bad (Feel bad? About what? More cheating? What the hell????), he tried to cuddle with her, but she too was…grossed out! Grossed out = the cool way to be about Dumby. And so it is.

It’s like I’m just a pair of boobs and a kitty cat or something.

Unaware of the new anti-Dumby movement, Dumby is rampant in his reign, setting up Block Schedules to use the computer. But when he turns to loyal follower Ashli for agreement, she mumbles something that doesn’t sound very team player-ish to me. But Dumby, drunk on the love of all the women of the house, doesn’t notice, and simply replies, “thank ya, baby” like she just agreed to do his porn movie. Probably the same way he thanks her after she does him. Hate to agree with the follower’s lingo, but who isn’t grossed out?

And Ashli indeed tells us that she is trying to stay away from him. She feels stupid giving him so much affection when he doesn’t return it. Oh, hello Ashli, this coffee smells wonderful, doesn’t it?

That night, they are going to a new bar! It’s called the Scary Canary, and it’s actually a county / western bar. Cow mentions that it seems to be another cowgirl night. Well. The girls are dressed up like cowgirls alright, but it’s more in that Halloween-styled Slutty Cowgirl look. There is a lot of skin! Parisa is nowhere to be found, in case you were wondering.

Casserole night.

KA and Cow are all over each other, all over the Scary Canary. She tells us this is the first time they’ve taken their clandestine affair public. Scandalous! Did the paparazzi get any shots off? The next day or whenever, KA is on the phone with her Mom telling her that she’s going to church. Mom thinks that sounds “neat”. She’s glad KA’s going to church. She has no idea it’s for the Please God Don’t Let Me Be Pregnant prayer.

KA the sinner heads off to one of those church shows, in a stadium or something, with big screens everywhere. Ah, faith. KA says she needs prayer and prays to not be with Baby Country. Cow doesn’t bother with prayer, he says if that was the way it was meant to happen, so be it.

Our father, your art’s in heaven. Hullo ed be my name is Kelly Anne. And also with you. Amen.

After prayer, KA needs exercise. She hits the workout room, and when she walks out, gives a happy little jump. Then she crawls in bed with Noirin, and shares the news that she is not pregnant. What? An entire episode around a false alarm? I can’t believe it.

Cow says that “‘Aunt Flow’ has visited KA, so…it’s a done deal”. I really do think Cow wanted to trap KA in Georgia with little country babies. He’s disappointed. KA tells us she is “literally” thanking God. She should, give that Please God Don’t Let Me Be Pregnant prayer a little positive press.

Having neatly wrapped the Busted Condom incident, it’s time to go downstairs, where there’s some kind of fight between Ashli and Dumby about the computer. Apparently, Ashli has taken the anti-Dumby movement to the next level, and is using the computer OFF SCHEDULE. Did she consult with KA before making this strategic move? No matter.

Dumby amends the Computer Block Schedule Law to…who the hell knows, whatever he wants, basically, something about not being able to use the computer when no one else is. Ashli doesn’t like the new amendment. He tells her he’s only trying to be fair to everyone, and she replies that everything that’s beneficial to him is what’s fair. Something tells me we may not be talking about the Computer Block Schedule anymore.

Dumby plays it cool, telling her he doesn’t understand how she’s “coming up on” him like that, this is the rule. Yeah, the “rule” you’re changing every five minutes as you go along. Then he recites the line about “trying to be fair” to the camera, but notes that he’s getting some spiteful behavior in return. He tells Ashli that he’s sorry he doesn’t live with girls who use ration and logic and understanding and consideration. Like him? Cheating on his nice girlfriend with random skanky replacement roommate, that was so logical and considerate of him. Of course, Dumby tells Ashli she’s being a bitch. The old standby. Yawn.

And Dumby won’t let it go. He just keeps hurling insults at Ashli as she walks away. He calls her a dumb little immature bitch. For using the computer OFF SCHEDULE and daring to question his obviously fair and benevolent rule.

Ashli goes to KA to cry about it. She cries that he told her the only reason she was there was because she was interesting, not because she had a brain. Take that as a compliment sweetie, cause I don’t think you’re interesting or have a brain. Seriously, take what you can get. Ashli’s sad. The Real World house isn’t all fun high school cliques of “just us four”. They’re no Gabriella and Troy, that’s for sure.

I just don’t understand why guys don’t respect me. Let’s prank call Julie!

Ashli is filled with new anti-Dumby sentiment, and talks about how bad it is that he disrespects every girl in the house. And his girlfriend, she adds, like she had no part in it. Everyone in the house agrees that he’s a meathead asshole, and she’s over it. Another girl immune to the Dumby Bear? What? Hey, must be some kind of mistake.

Later on, while they’re out and he wants someone to rub up on the dance floor, Dumby gets remorseful and says he doesn’t want Ashli to hate him. He asks her to do him a huge favor – I hope she doesn’t, I wouldn’t do shit for this guy. But he wants her to stop being mad at him. Eh, that she’ll probably do. And more. I mean, let’s just be realistic about it.

They sit together and Ashli tells Dumby not to call her stupid or a bitch. But that’s it, sweetie, that’s what he’s got. She says he was “degrading” her, which he denies. Don’t tell Dumby how to treat a lady now, ya hear? Ashli’s mad, and Dumby’s sitting there with a look that basically says, “vaginal insecurity”.

She tells him that he owes her more. He agrees, because “you are very different than the other two girls in the house.” Yeah, none of the other two girls got used as Dumby’s sperm receptacle and then ignored the next day. You’re a real special girl, Ashli. The whole time she’s telling him to treat her better, she’s holding both his hands in hers. Oh yeah, she’s over it.

I do respect you, whore-y bitch. Now get on your knees and shut up.

So, I have no idea what happens next week since I’m having some technical difficulties watching the preview. Quel surprise! See you next week, koalas…