Real World Sydney: All I Want For Christmas Is That Half Hour of My Life Back

Well, it’s been five days now that I’ve been putting off writing this recap. Reason why? This episode was really dumb and boring. But now I’m on an airplane that’s been delayed for two hours, I’ve had a few glasses of wine, and I’m ready to do this thing. So for those of you interested, or just really bored cause your boss is making you work during Christmas week, I give you this week’s installment of The Real World Sydney!

This is the most you’ll be seeing of Isaac today. Enjoy it.

We open with Dumby making coffee. I think the producers have thrown in this banal task as some sort of boring warning. This is about as exciting as this week gets. But then there’s coffee making drama. The coffee maker is…broken! And you know what they say in the Real World house – if something’s broke, well it’s probably Parisa’s fault.

And sure enough, Dumby blames Parisa for the broken coffee maker, and then tells us he’s pissed off. No, really? Huh. Usually such a fun loving guy, that Dumby. And it’s not enough that broken coffee maker blame has been officially assigned to Parisa, but hey, why not throw a little extra critique? Just for fun. The problem is, Parisa drinks four to six cups of coffee per day. And why is this a problem for Dumby? Excellent question. It’s unhealthy, he declares.

I’ve got news for you. So is doing ho’s you barely know.

Surprisingly, Ashli takes Parisa’s side in the great coffee debate. Or not so surprisingly, considering it’s not so much “Parisa’s side” as “the opposite of Dumby’s side”. It turns into the first of about ten stupid, baseless fights that Dumby and Ashli will have in the next twenty seven minutes. Ashli at least recognizes that Dumby’s just trying to start a fight, but honey, once you engage, you’re in it too. And besides, we all know this fight is soooo not about coffee.

Ash leaves Dumby in the kitchen reading the instructions to the espresso maker – which he continually pronounces, incorrectly, as EX-presso maker. This is why they call us dumb Americans. A little while later, Parisa is off to make one of her four-to-six EX-pressos for the day, and to add insult to Dumby, she offers Ashli one as well. As Marge trots off to prepare caffeine for everyone, Dumby slips over to Ashli to ask her what the hell was last night about?

Since we weren’t treated to any fancy night vision, cover throwing shenanigans, and someone over at MTV had a storyline to make up, I’m guessing “last night” refers to the coffee maker incident. It does. Dumby tells Ash that people in the house are capable of standing up for themselves, and they don’t need her to do it for them. He also tells her she’s the youngest. So? Ash tells us that “he has a bad temper, but that’s all he has” and that she can handle him. She tells Dumby that he bitches all the time. It’s not bitching, he responds bitchily, it’s just that he gets irritated. Well, then, you’re irritated all the time, she tells him, laughing. Dumby’s smart and clever response is that SHE bitches all the time. Didn’t I tell you this was dumb and boring? Moving on.

Maybe you should stop being reactive and try being Proactiv.

Later, KA, Ash, and Parisa (huh?) commiserate in the girls’ room, where KA applauds Ashli’s argument with Dumby. Yay, stupid fights! Without them, there would be no Real World. Ash says she’s embarrassed that she ever liked Dumby in the first place, and Dumby goes to the phone room to complain to Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie that he has no respect for any of the girls in the house…even Ashli! How ’bout telling the other half of that story there, confederate? He says he lost respect for the girls when they started disrespecting him. Oh, so THAT’S what Ashli was doing in bed with him, disrespecting him.

In the process of trying for filler for this boring half hour, we get a little Contiki update. The roomies are in the most fabulous bathroom in Sydney, giving us some exposition about the “job”. It’s a two day itinerary, it’s been five weeks of research, and now they’re ready to take their groups of 40 on the motor-coach! I love that word, motor-coach. ChickBomb’s a motor-coach connoisseur, you know – I’ve done the Greyhound in America and it was one of the top five worst experiences of my life. You don’t know the dredges of humanity ’til you ride the Greyhound cross country. It’s as horrific as you’d expect, and then fifty times worse. It included some crackhead with what I’m convinced was tuberculosis coughing all over me from New Mexico to Dallas and then trying to steal my blanket, some ladies in Virginia calling me the devil and throwing a bible at me, and it ended with me sitting in the Port Authority in NYC, filthy, smelly, and in a Mississippi cap that I picked up along the way to cover my nauseatingly greasy hair, sobbing over my lost luggage. It was eight years ago, and I still have nightmares. Conversely, on the Greyhound in Australia, the busses are filled with cute backpackers, and they show a movie on the ride. Oh yeah, I’m a motor-coach connoisseur. And have I mentioned, I love that word?

Anyway, the Contiki experience is unique, they tell us. Well, that tacky, 80′s scribbled bus is unique, that much I can tell you. Sara at the Contiki office reminds them that there’s two weeks in Europe at stake. That is a pretty cool prize. Assuming they ditch the tour bus at every stop, that is. Parisa, Isaac and Ashli get right down to it, making lists and working together. Ashli voices her opinion about some kind of skyride for the tour, complete with outline of reasons the skyride is a good idea. Is Ashli a Type-A school nerd? There may commonalities between us yet. I’ve been known to plan my weekly errands on a formula driven Excel spreadsheet.

How are you watching this episode already?

Cow’s team is getting a late start, which is a nice way of saying his lazy ass is still in bed by noon. Isaac tells us that Dumby is circling with smoke coming out of his ears. Good, he deserves the crappy team. Dumby and KA are having a half assed team meeting, where Dumby tells KA he’s depending on her to flirt with their tourists to help their team win. KA informs him that she was already planning on doing that. Well, at least she knows her strengths. Then Dumby tells her to wake Cow and tell him it’s 4 p.m. instead of 1:30, the time it actually is. I feel like throwing something at the TV, because I’m so pissed at this loser for taking this opportunity to have his twenties taped in Australia, and using it to nap. You can do that back in Blue Ridge, moron.

KA goes to wake Cow, but instead of getting him up and at ‘em, she only succeeds in crawling into bed with him. Well, behind every lazy man sleeping ’til noon is an even lazier woman letting him do it. Dumby earns tiny props for asking Isaac to swap teams with him because “my team’s spooning”. Isaac says he’ll send him a postcard…maybe. Dumby, who tells us he’s always wanted to go to Europe, makes another attempt at waking Cow, and now KA as well, but they’re in it for the long sleep. They don’t want to go to Europe. They want to nap.

That night, Team Cow finally gets to work. They speak of coming across like real tour managers, and say that everything must go smoothly. It’s inevitable we’re going to win, Cow informs us. Yeah, inevitable if the judging criteria is which asshole does the best job of forgoing planning for standing in front of the bus with a mike and a hick accent. KA whines that nobody’s listening to her. Well, come up with an idea slightly less retarded than taking koalas home for the night, and perhaps someone will turn an ear. Koalas, they’re adorable, but little known fact, they’re mean. No wonder KA likes them – they’re kindred.

This here’s a bus. And this here’s a microphone. And this here’s a steering wheel. And this here…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Dumby continues to complain to Isaac about Cow and KA. Cow’s not the sharpest, he says, and KA’s just running around the room looking for shiny stuff. Now, I’m no member of the Dumby Bear fan club, but he’s got a point. And kind of a funny one too. Then he has to talk some shit on Ashli, calling her “clerical bookworm girl”, but Isaac quickly smacks him down, saying Ashli’s the most valuable team member.

Dumby’s frustrated, and since Julie isn’t there to beat the anger out on, he decides to go for a drive. Isaac and Cow join in. They go to some cliffs, where Cow, trying to impress the cool boys, jumps through a fence or something and ends up spraining his ankle. He gets back to the house, and hops around, back and forth, up and down, ’til someone notices. KA offers him some ice, and he tells her the story of how it happened. Cow says he hates that his ankle is sprained, cause of his team. But when KA asks him what he plans on doing about the tour, he easily replies that he just won’t go. Get crutches, KA advises. That’s what I would have said too, I don’t like a whiny man. But he calls her heartless. Clearly, Cow’s terrified of Europe.

Nice vajayjay, but I still ain’t goin’.

And back to the main drama of the day…Ashli and Dumby pass one another in the kitchen, and he accuses her of “squaring her shoulders” to walk into him. Squaring her shoulders? Who says that? I feel another dumb fight coming on – and again, I’m guessing “squared shoulders” isn’t the real issue here. Sure enough, angry words fly, and Isaac points out the stupidity of the whole thing, that it’s just about who can speak the loudest and who gets the last word in.

I’m not going to get into much detail about this fight, partially because it’s too ludicrous, and partially because I’m too tipsy at this point to get it right. The highlights are Ashli telling Dumby that he’s “degrading”, which he denies while calling her a stupid, immature slut. Yeah, who you calling degrading, you brainless whore? Now get on your knees.

As the fight progresses, Ashli dangles a thinly veiled threat of mentioning their one night stand in front of the roomies. I love how both she and Dumby are still acting like it’s a secret. Let me say this real slow, sweetheart…when you do it on a reality show, it gets taped. Nothing like illicit sex to draw in the viewing public. We ho vicariously through you. The argument ends with Ashli walking off, and both of them yelling how pathetic the other one is. Eh, let’s just call it draw. You’re equally pathetic in my book.

No, McCain is more intelligible on the subject of immigration reform!

Ashli goes outside to complain a little more to KA and Parisa (again, huh?). KA says that Dumby’s just mad cause he wants Ashli’s “vagina” and she won’t give it up. Well, maybe it’s vaginal insecurity. Ashli continues her threats of “taking it to the next level” and saying that Dumby should be a lot nicer to her. Or what? She’s gonna tell Julie? Cameras, doll. They’re not furniture. They’re taping it.

While the gals are outside being mad, Noirin, Isaac’s girl / the new roommate, arrives at the house. She regales them with a story of how she got into it with someone at work. Isaac mentions that Dumby got into it with someone in the house as well. Noirin says that she doesn’t understand why someone started with her, she’s a nice person. Agreed. But Dumby chimes in to say, he knows, he gets it, cause he’s a nice person too! I’m sure he’s making a self deprecating joke, until I remember who we’re dealing with here.

Sure enough, Dumby hits the confessional to tell us how he’s one of the most “considerate, thoughtful, passionate human beings he’s ever come across”. jfkdlfjdkl. Sorry, that’s just where my jaw hit the keyboard. I thought Trasha had hit the touchstone of delusion with her self-assessment of being fun, bubbly and outgoing, but this really takes the cake. He doesn’t even kill spiders, he insists. Hey, call women stupid sluts and beat them all you want, but as long as you’re letting the spiders live, you’re a redneck with a heart of gold.

I think her face says it all.

Dumby says that when Ashli’s sober, there’s bitchy undertones, but when she’s drunk she wants to go “make babies”. Wrong euphemism, dude. She might have had a momentary lapse of judgement in wanting to have sex with Dumby, but even dopey Ashli isn’t dumb enough to want to spawn little Dumby brats.

Parisa tells Ash that if she walks away, he thinks he’s won. It doesn’t matter. Walk away, stay and yell “you’re pathetic” a hundred times, either way, Dumby thinks so highly of himself, he’ll always think he’s “won”. So walk away Ash, it’s at least a chance of retaining your last scrap of dignity.

We close with a shot of Dumby working out in a confederate flag t-shirt, and Ashli telling us that she no longer finds him intelligent, cool or funny – he’s just “there”. She thought they could have fun and flirt and “do their thing”, but it changed. Oh, Ashli. It was the whole “doing your thing” part that changed things. Someone had to take the blame, and since Dumby’s perfect, it had to be you. “We’re done”, she declares for the ninety millionth time. I’m pretty sure that means they’ll be doing “their thing” again before season’s end.

This part was great. The orange fish totally harassed the yellow fish and then the yellow fish beat the crap out of the orange fish and said he did it because he loves her. Awww!

So, dull city, right? We knew this thing with Dumby and Ash was going to end badly. I just wish the fight would have been dirtier. “Stupid slut” and “pathetic”? Come on, we’ve had nineteen seasons of this. We’ve heard it all before. Note to prospective Real Worlders – rehearse your insults before the shoot. If you can’t come up with a more interesting way of saying slut, bitch, disrespectful, immature and pathetic, then don’t even bother submitting an application.

Next week, it’s Contiki tour time, when KA promises some of her tour customers that she can drink a bottle of tequila and not puke. First of all, classy! But secondly, well, impressive. My last experience with a bottle of tequila ended with a can of Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee ravioli that I was drunkenly convinced was the tastiest meal ever, followed by an hour of vomiting first on my shoes, and then in the bathtub because my friend had already claimed the toilet. Ten years ago, dolls, don’t judge. Nowadays, it’s Patron Silver, in moderation. My shoes are too expensive to puke on.

Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Happy Holidays, and see you next week, my darling wallabies…