Real World: The Eradication of Marge

Well, we’re down to the second to last episode of the Real World Sydney! Time sure flies when you’re sleeping all day, drinking all night and alternatively fighting / getting it on in the wee hours. This week, Isaac finally gets a story line, and Marge emerges from her cocoon a butterfly. A hot butterfly! Come my little emus, time for another adventure down under…

Girl, you need a break.

We open with a wild, white water rafting ride down the river! Isaac is at the head of the boat, of course. Kind of makes up for how he doesn’t leapfrog over the rest of the cast during the opening credits anymore. Kind of. He tells us that anyone who knows him knows has a deathly fear of commitment. Well, I don’t know him, but I assumed. You know, what with him being a twenty one year old guy and all. Anyone else feel a little Noirin relationship drama coming on?

Later that night, Isaac and Noirin, otherwise known as the seventh roommate, are chatting outside. She wants him to go traveling with her. She offers up some kind of three day “booze cruise” for $600. Spring break, bitches! She drags him inside to look at brochures, and Isaac hits the confessional and tells us that all Noirin wants to do is drink, party and “get down”. He uses a Barbie doll as a prop. How the hell Barbie landed in the Real World house, I have no idea.

Trasha, you left your whore doll.

And I’m sorry, but wouldn’t a “straight up dime piece” who only wants to drink, party and get down be pretty much a dream girl for a commitment phobic twenty one year old? I just don’t see the problem here.

But, he tells the confessional that he’s not sure he wants to spend four months traveling with a girl who only wants to drink, party and get down. I thought it was a three day booze cruise, now it’s four months of traveling? Damn, this girl works fast. Perhaps it was a good call to start panicking. Noirin excitedly goes over the details of the trip. To say that Isaac looks less than enthused would be an understatement. He perks up at her mention of $20 Thai whores, though. Then he looks at Barbie and says, “We’ll see.”

We meet again in the family truckster. Dumby asks KA if her parents’ divorce was her Dad or her Mom’s fault. Dad’s, she says. Apparently, Daddy KA was a cheater, stuck his thing where it didn’t belong. Sadly, this is the most interesting thing about KA. And then Isaac chimes in from the backseat that he has two kids. Hello?

KA is sharing too. As usual.

Parisa starts peppering him with questions trying to trip him up in what surely must be a tall tale. How old were you? What’d your Mom say? Well, according to Isaac, his Mom was upset at first, but now she’s happy about it. This is how I know he’s full of it. I have a Jewish mother too, and hell would freeze over before she’d be cool with two unplanned babies born of her teenage son, much less a trip to the other side of the world to party while the kiddies are home in Ohio. Oy vey doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Ashli’s got a good reason for not believing him too. She says Isaac’s a “good guy”, and there’s no way that if he had two kids, he’d abandon taking care of them for cable reality. Parisa’s still on the fence. Either he’s serious, or it’s a prank, she states. Thanks, Sherlock.

Isaac warns the roomies not to get drunk and tell Noirin. Later on, Parisa and Ash are still on the “bullshit story” as Ash calls it. Isaac walks in on the convo, and then walks right out. Ash is convinced he’s lying. Dumby’s gut feeling is he may or may not be. Ah, there you are Watson. Isaac is known for telling tales, and we get a montage of his greatest hits…he was in the KKK…he’s an established priest in Arizona…he got arrested for driving around with a car full of counterfeit money and his Grandma had to bail him out…and the best of all: “Ever killed anybody? Oh, I did. One time.” I’m practically rolling on the floor laughing. This one time? At band camp? I killed someone. I’m hungry. Anyone want to grab dinner?

I invented McDonald’s.

That night, Parisa and Noirin are cozy on the bench outside, and Noirin speaks of her love for Isaac. Honey, I’m so on board with that. And she says she’s “mad” about him. Hey, I say that too! I stole it from Belinda Carlisle in the eighties. It took her a long time to find love, after her ex, Noirin explains. I love how we see more of Noirin on this episode than actual roommates. I don’t think I hear a word out of Cow the whole thirty minutes. His ankle must still have him in lots of pain.

Inside, in the kitchen, Dumby is mimicking Noirin, saying that she “desperately” wants Isaac to tell her he loves her. It is confirmed that, no, Isaac has not spoken the words yet. Noirin has though. Girl, has Carrie Bradshaw taught you nothing? Is there no Sex in the City in Ireland? Quel horror! Isaac notes the pause that comes at the end of all their phone conversations when she says it and he doesn’t.

Back outside, Parisa tells Noirin “whatever happens, happens”. No judgment? Marge? Is that you? Doesn’t sound like it, but I’ve seen the preview with her getting groped in the hot tub by two timing Alex, so perhaps someone’s turned over a new leaf.

And speaking of the cheeseball, Alex calls the house the next day, and Parisa answers the phone. How random. So thanks, Sneaky PA, I knew I could count on you to bring the drama back one last time! Alex mentions that it’s his birthday, she wishes him a happy one and then passes the phone off to KA. Who is this new Marge? Love her!

Boys smell funny. But I need em!!

Parisa tells us that she wants to talk to him, but she doesn’t know if it’s worth it, after the whole fight with Trasha. Seriously, Marge? After all that fighting for “your relationship”? She also mentions that Alex hasn’t “made any attempt” since the wicked witch of Fresno was banished. As I suspected, but at least she seems to have a clearer head about it now. No more boy chasing. KA chats with Alex for a few, and ends up inviting him and his pals over to the house. Best birthday evahhh!

KA informs Parisa of the invite, and then comments that “you look pretty, so that’s good”. “Parisa deserves to have a guy who’s good looking, who likes her, she deserves that”, continues KA. Nice to say, but where were all these best wishes for Parisa’s happiness during the phone room spitfest? Hate to bring it up, but actually, on second thought, love bringing it up. Greatest thing about reality television, your wretched behavior lives forever on tape, so nobody has to feel bad to keep talking about it. If that brat lives to be a hundred years old, she’ll still be the dopey ho who went to Australia and spit on her roommate.

Hey, weren’t you that chick who always sat with her legs wide open on MTV?

But, now that they’re BFF again, KA reminds Parisa that she’s moved on to bigger and better things, and Alex doesn’t deserve her “niceness”. Neither do you, sweetheart. Alex shows up with a faux hawk as lame as his personality, and he and Parisa sit on the bench outside to catch up. He asks her how she’s doing. Awesome, great, no really, great, she babbles on. Don’t overdo it, Marge. He hasn’t called because it was “awkward” but he doesn’t know how to “fix it”, he tells her.

Parisa tells him he just should have been more straightforward. He says he, like, liked Trasha. Did you like, like like Trasha, or just like, like her, Parisa wants to know. I have definitely been watching too much MTV programming because I completely understand this exchange. Slimy Alex says that Trasha was the sexy blonde type, and Parisa is the…long pause….brunette. But it’s OK, cause brunettes are actually more his type, he assures her. It’s just that he met Trasha first, and she had such a great personality. I give Parisa credit for keeping a straight face for that one. My eyes would have rolled so far out of my head you’d have to scrape them off the damn ceiling.

“It just sort of happened, and I didn’t know what to do, and I was in this triangle and I was trying to get out…” Alex tells Parisa. Oh, right, that’s what the dual love notes were about. Escaping the triangle. Parisa pretty much laughs in his face. She tells us that she’s a dork on the inside, and she still wants him to be “awesome”. First of all, dork on the outside too babe, but second, this is probably the most real Parisa we’ve seen. Dorky or whatever, but that awkward pathetic thing she had going is MIA. Good riddance.

You know who else likes triangles? Ed Grimley.

Later on, Dumby, Isaac, Ash, Parisa and Noirin are hanging out at home. Dumby mentions that he’d rather be with a girl who had one long term relationship than five one night stands. One night girls know how to walk away. But long termers – better chance that the last dude was beating her too, so she already knows what’s what on keeping her in line. Hey, maybe she even travels with her own belt!

They start talking about relationship deal breakers, and Noirin mentions kids. “You better not have any babies”, she warns Isaac. That came out of left field. Baby mama drama! Sneaky PA’s really giving us something to remember him by. Isaac walks away, and Noirin’s getting nervous. He doesn’t have kids, does he, she wonders to Ash and Parisa. They exchange furtive glances and say nothing. Finally, Ash answers Noirin with a long drawn out, “Noo-uhhhhh!”

Isaac accuses Parisa of making Noirin uncomfortable with her suggestive silence. You were the one who left the room when the topic of kids came up, she tells him. Isaac walks away and tells Parisa and Ash not to talk to him for the rest of the night. Snippy! “She’s like a little kid”, he tells the camera, “You tell her a secret and she’s like ‘hehehehehe’. She’s a grown woman”, he continues, “she should know better than that.” Well, yeah, but a) you’re not inventing juicy and outlandish facts about yourself for people to not discuss, and b) no passing judgment allowed when you’re attired in a sleeveless, lavender hoodie accessorized with a white boy chain.

Judge not lest you be judged. Oh hell, we both know I’m gonna judge you either way. Judge away.

He continues on about how Parisa’s “touched his button” and now he’s going to cut her off. He joins the president of the It’s All Parisa’s Fault Club, otherwise known as Dumby, outside on the bench. “She does this, and she doesn’t know it, and then she thinks she’s the victim”, Dumby complains, thrilled to have someone on board the hate train. “I know,” Noirin, who’s also sitting outside agrees. What the hell? She’s your friend, and she’s letting you live in her TV house rent free. Parisa ain’t getting laid off the deal. When did Noirin drink the Dumby-Aid?

Don’t disrespect me or Noirin, Isaac warns. Oh, come on now. Like bringing Noirin home for a one nighter with cameras was so respectful? Or joking with Dumby Bear about how she says “I love you” and he won’t? Very respectful. It’s like the sleeveless lavender hoodie calling the blue velour jumpsuit unfashionable.

Some time later (honestly, I never know what day it is there), Isaac and Noirin are going to a bar called Three Wise Monkeys, when guess who they run into? Slimy Alex! Sneaky PA’s looking for a promotion to The Hills. Got to make those “coincidences” happen. Ashli hangs out with him, while Isaac and Noirin disappear to the dance floor where she flings her arms around him and tells him she wants to take him to Ireland with her. Even I’m panicking now.

At some point, he expresses that he hopes she wants something more than going to the bar and coming home to get it on. Afraid of commitment, won’t say he loves her, but worried that all she wants to do is party and have sex? Again, I’m puzzled.

If you wanted to rob banks and join the KKK too, I’d totally be on board.

When Isaac, Noirin, Ash and Alex return to the house, they decide to hit the jacuzzi. Ash and Noirin take their tops off, and then proceed to cover their lady parts with their arms. Remember the first day when Shauvon (remember that tranny ho?) plopped down on the beach and did the exact same thing? Good times. But I’m happy to see that Ash finally seems to be wrapping her head around this whole “cameras are there to tape you” thing.

Alex goes to wake Parisa, who of course was getting a good night’s sleep, and he talks her into the hot tub. They all start playing Truth or Dare. Dumby takes the first question – Alex wants to know if he has an attraction to Ashli. Ashli starts fake laughing her head off which I translate to mean, “Please let it be so…” Dumby says at one time yes, but no longer. Ash pouts. Big fucking loss.

Noirin, Ash and Dumby Bear are dared to all three kiss, which they accomplish with a pre-school-esque peck. But Dumby smirks like it was a free for all with Blohan and Pam Anderson. I can hear him on the phone with Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie now.

“They were begging me, babe. I can’t help it if all women want to have threeways with me!”

And then…Ash dares Alex and Parisa to kiss for five seconds, and well, well, well! Go Marge! Ash tells us that it’s a hot kiss, and you know what? IT IS! I’m not kidding, it looks choreographed, down to the part when she leans her head back out of the tub so he can kiss her neck. I love that she’s let herself go like this. She’s even doing it in a cute swimsuit!

Post-bliss, Parisa hits the confessional to tell us that they did all the things she had been desperately chasing, oops, I mean missing out on. Irresponsible stuff, like making out in the hot tub. Just making out, now? Cause when she shows him to the door, it’s light outside! Scandalous, darling! She’s happy that she got to see him before she left Sydney, but happy to not be emotionally invested.

Parisa’s looking forward to the future, she says. Hanging out with her roommates, singing. Then Old Marge rears her desperate head and carries on about not settling, but not coming to Australia to fall in love, some shit about hopes and dreams, I don’t know. Bring New Marge back, please. Stat.

And then it’s time to wrap up this Isaac / Noirin thing. He tells her the bad news is, in two weeks he has to leave. She’s bummed, and wrapped in some odd yellow blanket. What is it with these girls wearing blankets as clothes? Has Marge set a trend with her dirt colored shawl? But, he does have some good news, Isaac tells Noirin. He produces two bottles of champagne, in honor of the fact that they will be going traveling together! How fun, but anyone else notice the symbolism in two separate bottles? Can’t even commit to sharing a bottle of champers with her?

Noirin’s ecstatic, and Isaac and his tiara finally come clean about not having any kids. But he likes that even when Noirin thought he did, she was willing to do it anyway. She peels off another “I love you”, and then almost takes her eye out popping the cork on her champagne bottle. Amateur.

I did, however, rule England for a short while.

And that’s it! Second to last Real World Sydney coming to a close. I’m getting misty thinking about the goodbyes, but Dumby Bear’s gonna rescue me with one last foray over to Dickhead City, because Ashli’s acting like, all together now, a bitch. See you then, mates!