This week on The Real World, there’s a lot of war stuff. And Chet gets involved with acid.
Don’t try doing your own chemical peel. It never ends well.
Previously, Ryan watched the sunset with virgin not gay yet but will be any second now Chet and played one of the worst songs ever written about the red, white and blue,…
That song is a terrorist attack on this country. Make it stop.
…JD wondered if Ryan’s freakout over his fifth grade prank was a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder or a symptom of his balls not dropping yet…
War is like, really like hard and stuff. Totally scrapping the pennies in Ryan’s shoes idea.
…and Ryan worried his budding film career (head slap) would be interrupted by getting called back to Iraq.
But I have to finish that film about the tree in Central Park! It’s my opus!
So if the previouslies are any indication, this will be a Ryan-centric episode. No wonder ChickBomb bailed. Why couldn’t she have called in sick during a tranny week? Oh God. This isn’t only a Ryan episode, it’s the ELECTION EPISODE. Alright I’m warning you now. I hate all politicians and think they’re working for dark forces that want to put us in prison camps and close down Wal-Mart. If that’s gonna piss you off, then STOP READING NOW. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
We open with what I guess are supposed to be shots that typify today’s America. At least according to The Real World. A church, a marathon, a building sporting a NO MORE CORPORATE RULE banner, a Sept 11 Tribute banner, and an American flag. Where the hell are these camera men living? Wanna get real here? Try some shots of McDonald’s, a line around the block of vultures trying to get bargain prices at the liquidating Circuit City, and a bunch of pasty ass fat people dialing five hundred times to vote in the Oil Rig guy on American Idol. Most people wouldn’t even know we were still in a war if it wasn’t glossed over on MTV every week.
Katelynn, or as I like to call her, Rick, is on the phone with her mom. She’s twirling her hair and being all cutesy, but what she doesn’t realize is that her man muffin is hanging out the top of her jeans and we’re all just grossed out.
Rick, pull up your jeans for crying out loud. No one wants to see the little guy behind the curtain, k?
Rick says she, of course, voted for Obama. Her mom is mortified. Really? Cuz you thought your tranny daughter was gonna vote for Palin and Grandpa Simpson? Rick’s reason for voting Obama is the same reason a lot of people had at the time: “He’s not Bush Jr.” Proud of her thoughtfulness, Rick woot woots. Obama’s for change!! He never really said what kind, but to someone who hasn’t paid off their own change, the prospects are endless. Tranny Bailout!
You were just loaned fifteen hundred bucks. How bout buying a Bic and getting rid of that five o’clock shadow?
Scott and Chet are the Republicans of the house, and Chet gives the same argument for McCain that pretty much everyone who voted for him gave: “He’s not my first choice, but….” He would have preferred Mitt Romney, of course, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with Mitt being Mormon. Chet’s wearing a fake Rolex and a bracelet that says “LEGIT”. Why does that matter? It doesn’t, it’s just fun watching someone with Christian Sirriano hair, a bottle tan and a fake Rolex talking politics.
Watch out, Katie Couric.
Devyn tries to explain to Scott why people are so emotional about Obama. According to her, it’s because he’s a minority. Baya comments that once upon a time, people thought the blackest prez America would ever have is Bill Clinton. Dev answers “yeah, and now there’s really a black President who’s not a dumbass.” Rick thinks Obama’s kind of a white guy. Devyn, shouting with her mouth full, asks “HOW IS HE WHITE?!?” Uh, cuz he’s half white? You fucking idiot. “That’s implying that all white men are upstanding, all white men are intelligent!” Actually no it’s not implying that at all, but whatever. “Barak Obama is a straight up black man!” Wow. I knew Devyn was dumb as a brick, but I guess it’s easier to take when she’s wearing a prom dress to her secretarial job and talking about opening a dessert restaurant. Knowing that anyone in this house actually voted is just downright frightening.
And I stopped tape too soon, cuz Dev is just the gift that keeps on giving: “You cannot act a color, you don’t sound a color, you act the way that you are. Because I’m black does not mean that I talk like ‘she ain’t got no’…it doesn’t…because that’s not…that has nothing to do with our race. That is not who we are as a people.” Dev is not an idiot because she’s black, she’s an idiot because she’s an idiot. Thanks for clearing that up. But again, Obama’s not kinda white because he talks like a Huxtable, he’s kinda white because he’s literally kinda white. Part of me really wonders if she even knows that. I have a feeling her comprehension skills aren’t very high.
Ryan is excited about Obama because he’s sure that Obama’s serious about ending the war and bringing everyone home. If he had listened to what Obama said in the debates, he would have heard that Obama is interested in ending the Iraq war while expanding the war in Afghanistan and possibly dealing with Pakistan as well. I’m not saying anything pro or con Obama here. I’m just pointing out that these people are ranting and raving when not one of them has paid a bit of attention to what’s going on around them. Obama’s not necessarily against war, he’s just against that war. Don’t take those fatigues to the thrift store just yet.
Later, Ryan pulls out a scrapbook of his time in Iraq. He has pics of him searching homes and compounds for “weapons. Guns. Bad people.” The troops would have pics of the bad guys and then hunt them down. If people refused to come out of the house, Ryan would stand out front with his guitar and sing his tampon song until they screamed and ran away. His music is more potent than tear gas.
Uh, could you do that outside?
Ryan tells us what war was like: “Hot. Sweaty. Stupid patrols. Poor planning, bad intelligence, inept leaders.” War ? War sucks hard. That is my well thought out analysis. Ryan talks to Baya about going home to Pittsburgh to study History and Film, which leads us to the film class he’s been taking in NY where we get to see his short film entitled “No More Tomorrow”. He’s a little nervous about the screening, so he’s wearing a shirt that says TOPNOTCH just in case we forget to take him seriously.
It’s in black and white! Deep. An alarm clock goes off. Closeup of Ryan’s face waking up. He throws off the covers and takes a shower. A deep shower.
Then he brushes his teeth. Deeply.
Then he takes a drink of beer. LOL.
The audience laughs and Ryan’s offended. “It’s not supposed to be funny!” OMG. This is worse than I could have ever hoped. After brushing his teeth, he goes outside to drink a beer in the driveway. Then he goes to an abandoned lot and drinks beer and throws the empty bottle against a wall. Hey! Children play in abandoned lots! You just gave some kid tetanus. I hope you’re happy! After that, he goes home and drinks a lot of beer in his living room. He even almost smokes a cigarette! Finally, he takes a gun out from under a couch cushion and shoots himself in the head, blood spattering all over the ashtray and a picture of him and his girlfriend. Moral of the story? Don’t drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. It’s cheap, but it’s depressing. You know how when you saw the YouTube clip of one of Martin Scorsese’s first shorts from flim school and were like “that’s sick and kinda awesome and maybe this guy is on to something”? Yeah. Not today. The Bratz movie looks like Gone With the Wind compared to this.
The audience kinda laughs when it’s over. JD says “it kinda blew my mind.” LOL. He doesn’t seem to catch his little pun. “It gave me a new different perspective.” OK this whole cast needs to go back to college with Ryan. Poor JD even stumbles on the pronunciation of “Iraq”. Ryan tells us that he was just trying to make a film that was dark and unique. The roomies are all really supportive of him, and he’s pleased with his depth. Then a Hills ad comes on. Audrina hooks up with Brody!!! HOLY SHIT that’s depth!
A guy from Ryan’s platoon, Mac, calls and checks and they bro and dude each other. Ryan tells Baya about it later and she talks about how she can’t even imagine what Iraq must have been like. Ryan doesn’t pull out his scrapbook again, thankfully. You know what I can’t imagine? Going on a reality show and then doing NOTHING. Come on, Baya! Anything will do. A crossword puzzle. Just show a pulse, girl.
There is a book launch party for the Iraq Veterans Against the War, and Ryan takes Scott with him because Scott had a friend who was killed by a land mine over there so he “can relate to it with him.” The author of Jarhead is there, and he gives a speech about the psychotic nature of war. It’s pretty crazy. The Army is made up of kids who are desensitized to deal with everything they have to do over there. We have been spared most of the details in this country because God forbid anyone actually have to deal with the consequences of our actions, and hearing the stories is a real eye opener. Ryan can be a douche, but I wish I was there to hug him. Especially because it looks like he’s all alone. Scott must be at the bar “relating to it with” some random chick.
Ryan’s brother Aaron comes for a visit and they talk about how they used to play war as kids and it’s way less fun when it’s real. Aaron’s in the reserves and they have two cousins overseas. Ryan jokes that “it’s a family thing”. Man. And I complained about having to work at the family bowling alley growing up. Ryan’s knees are shot to shit because of the hundred pounds he had to carry on his back while running through the desert, and Aaron is glad to hear that he’s asking for help with that and his PTSD, which “people back home” are saying he needs. I know I’m supposed to be making jokes right now, but even I’m not that much of a dick.
Stop making blow job mouth at Aaron, please. You’re making this more uncomfortable.
Ryan’s going to Veteran’s Affairs to see what they do. He talks to a guy named Andrew that tells him about mental health stuff. He invites Ryan to join the Veteran’s Parade and the after party. Then happy music starts playing and we cut to a different story line. This one is about Chet wanting his roomies to actually be with him even when he’s not home. How? Why, a life size cardboard cut out, of course? I want one! I’d give it a haircut and dress it in mens clothing.
Finally! True love! Someone’s losing his virginity tonight.
Chet says you’ve finally made it when you have a life size cardboard cutout of yourself. Yeah, when it’s made by someone else. When you do it yourself it’s just sad. On his way home he should stop at a tourist shop and buy himself a little plastic Oscar so he could finally give the speech he’s been working on since childhood.
Later, Ryan talks on the phone to his girlfriend about the parade and says that he hopes Obama wins cuz he knows that will mean he won’t ever have to go back to Iraq. OK is he being deployed in this episode? He said that he went to get a “reassesment” to get help with his knees. But “reassment” sounds like there’s a chance they could reassess that he’s fine. I have a creeping suspicion that he’s out. Not depressed enough yet?
The real issue here? Smoking babies.
Ryan calls his mom to make sure she voted and he’s dressed like Uncle Sam.
You know Chet’s gonna steal those pants.
The roomies are going to the Gay and Lesbian Center for an election party, and Scott and Chet are depressed as they watch Obama handily win in a room of cheering gays. Scott says that whoever wins, they all win cuz they’re Americans. He rolls his eyes as he says it though, and he and Chet leave all pissed off and drown their sorrows at where else? Subway. Chet’s offended that Rick was rubbing it in their faces. Scott says that if that was a room of Republicans they wouldn’t have been booing everyone. I beg to differ. I watched the results while I was visiting TX, and I heard plenty of boos. I was also singing karaoke at that party, so it could have just been my lame ass drunken rendition of “Private Dancer”. I would like to think that it was the results, though. Obama wins and everyone cries and freaks out and Ryan says that it’s a moment in history that we’ll all remember and no one will forget where they were. I’m happy to know that my “Private Dancer” is burned into the memory of all my parent’s friends.
Why isn’t that me? WAAAAHHHHHHHH
After the party, Ryan wonders why he can’t get a cab.
And next, the best part of this episode. Chet is hung!!
Damn. It’s just the cutout.
And the pranks begin. Ryan and the girls cut out a pic of Obama’s head and tape it onto Chet’s cutout. HAHAH. But also yikes. I wonder if it will ever dawn on these twits that they just lynched the President.
Congrats. Secret Service will be here to take you to Gitmo any second.
Ryan’s had some drinkage tonight, so he’s in the mood for more nuttiness. Scott’s a model, he says, “so I’m gonna make him a little bit more prettier.” He does this by painting his fingernails while he sleeps. While you’re at it, stop by Rick’s room. She needs some girling up.
Scott’s not as offended by the nails as he is by Ryan’s shoddy workmanship. Chet, on the other hand, is super pissy about the Obama lynching. He considers his cutout “a work of art” and accuses the roomies of vandalism. LOL. He’s totally serious, which makes it funnier. It was pretty dickish of them to use glue though. Now Cutout Chet is just Obama forever. In really really really bad clothes. Chet boils it down to discrimination. The only two Republicans in the house are the ones who got pranked. OH WAAAAH. I wonder how he’s gonna react when he finds out it was his sexless lovah who defaced him. Ryan is annoyed that Chet’s annoyed and just shrugs it out, saying in this house it’s every prankster for himself. Unless you’ve been to war, in which case you can scream and yell and throw a hissy fit when a prank is played on you.
And now for the Veteran’s Parade. The roomies are there to cheer him on, and as he marches we get a montage of war pics. Then the roomies join Ryan and some of the other Vets and listen quietly to war stories, which is pretty much how you should listen to war stories. On a side note, Chet’s hair is getting dumber and dumber by the minute.
And now, for a Veteran’s Gala. Dev has worked out a deal to borrow dresses for herself and Rick for the night. Rick’s a little disappointed that there’s nothing buttless, but she finally settles on a polka dotted number. Unfortunately, none of the roomies work for a hairstylist for her to mooch off of. She looks like a rock band roadie in a dress.
Ryan’s really touched that all the roomies came out to support him and says he’s glad they can see what he went through so they understand what it was like. They look kinda bored, but it’s nice that they’re bored with their friend. The next day, Ryan’s brother calls with some shit news. He’s being redeployed. Oh man I knew it. He’s stunned and disappointed, and I don’t blame him. Poor guy. He says that he’s mostly worried about putting his parents through that again. And then he starts crying. Why am I crying? GODDAMMIT REAL WORLD!!!
Thanks for bearing with me this week, you guys. ChickBomb will be back for this week’s episode.