Previously on The Real World: Brooke went nuts, Jenn was a slut, and Colie was a total idiot. Apparently this was enough to warrant a “To Be Continued…”, but the truth was that today’s second installment of silliness was pretty much just a mirror image of last week, give or take a few decibels. Brooke still remained kooky, Jenn was still whorish, and Colie continued to triumphantly carry the torch for dumb, needy, embarrassing girls across the country. Hoorah, strong female role models!We picked up this latest episode exactly where the last one left off: Lodo’s pub of sexual tension. Yes, Alex and Jenn were still sucking face, and Colie explained to us, “Alex, he’ll pretty much make out with anyone that wants to make out with him.” This stands in stark contrast to Colie and Jenn, who clearly have very high standards. Sometimes I fear they’ll be spinsters with their utter refusal to let men into their sacred temples of womanhood.
Anyway, Colie was shocked — shocked — by Jenn’s actions (who would have thought a slutty girl would do such a thing??), and before we could hold Colie’s hand and empathize with her plight, we suddenly saw Jenn honing her inner Pussycat Doll and licking Alex all over his face as if it were a giant manwhore lollipop with a fresh coating of stubble.
As the gang all headed home, Colie noted, “I think there’s something in Alex’s mind that’s like ‘Corey’s going to be there, then I’m going to do everything I can to prove to you that I have no feelings for you!’” Colie, I have some bad news for you: IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!
To be fair, I couldn’t discount everything Colie was saying. I do think that Alex was taking some sadistic glee in hurting Colie with some passive-aggressive sex. But I think most importantly, he’s probably wanted to bone Jenn since their first triumphant sexual exchange. Besides, does Colie get to bitch about this stuff with Corey in town? If anything, she should be mad at Jenn, not Alex.
The screen then split into two as we watched both couples (Colie and Corey, Jenn and Alex) doin’ it in their respective rooms. Poor Tyree was left out of all the fun as usual, stuck with the consolation prize of tending to Alex’s friend, Brett. This might not have been such a bad thing since Brett seemed to actually have a brain in his head. The two talked about the Alex and Colie situation, and Tyree expressed frustration with their endless flirtations, saying it had to stop. Brett meanwhile boiled it down to something very simple — and squishy. “You don’t shit where you sleep,” he said. “Right now, he’s fucking taking a diarrhea dump where he sleeps.” Congratulations Colie and Jenn: you are officially metaphorical diarrhea. And I wasn’t even the ass who came up with it!
Later on, Alex and Jenn moved their slutfest into the shower, which was all the more painful for Colie who had to suffer the indignation of peeing just feet from their copulation. She lashed out at Jenn, at least to us, saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” She then added, “And if you don’t know how to fool me, well, then you’re just a massive idiot. Everyone fools me.”
As for Jenn, she told us that “I’m not concerned with how Colie feels. She has a boyfriend, and I can’t cater to who Colie loves each week.” In many ways, I agreed with all that Jenn was saying. However, this whole “I’m not concerned with how Colie feels” conflicts with the “we’re best friends and will be at each other’s weddings” façade they’d constructed. Is Colie flighty? Yes. Is she dumb with boys? Yes. Should Jenn have hooked up with the guy that Colie’s been drooling over for the past few weeks? No.
Amusingly, Jenn then told us that regarding the whole Colie/Alex situation, “I don’t know how the hell I keep coming in between this!” She then added, “It’s like when I throw myself at Alex and lick his face and have sex with him, I suddenly wind up in the middle! How does that happen?”
Elsewhere in Denver, Brooke was out to lunch with Davis, his boyfriend PJ, and Stephen. She boasted about how wonderful she felt in the post-Jenn rant, and let me tell you something Brooke — I was right there with you. I say you chew out Jenn and Colie every day. You know, just for your mental health. Not because I get some sort of twisted, vicarious thrill out of it.
Of course, while Brooke might have felt like a slutty weight had been lifted from her shoulders, there was still a certain reality to face: she slept in the same room as those girls. So she had to either make peace or sleep in other people’s beds. If I were her, I’d be getting real cozy with her roommates…
We then found Colie wandering the streets with her boyfriend Corey, saying, “I really don’t like the people I live with.” SO LEAVE. PLEASE! Actually, I really couldn’t begrudge Colie her sentiments. I’d be miserable in that house too. Nevertheless, she explained that she could have fun with her roomies, but Jenn, for instance, was an alcoholic (unlike Colie who merely drank ridiculous amounts until she lost all her dignity. Big difference).
Amusingly, Corey simply could not fathom that a creature like Jenn existed. “I don’t see how someone can drink throughout the whole day and still make poor decisions,” he mused, clearly used to all those excellent decisions that come from an all-day binge.
Corey then suggested that maybe Jenn wasn’t an alcoholic, but perhaps she used booze as an excuse to have sex with someone. So you see, she doesn’t have a drinking problem. She merely suffers from debilitatingly low self-esteem as manifested in her rampant sluttiness. That’s much better.
Colie then chimed in, “On that note of it, we’re totally different.” Yes, because when Colie drinks, she doesn’t use it as a way to have sex with people. It’s more a social lubricant for better, more effective whining.
We then found the two nestled in together at a restaurant where a rather sad conversation followed. Corey told Colie, “If I had my way, I’d be marrying you.” Um… was he aware of the whole “This will be the last time we’ll be seeing each other EVER!” plan that Colie had in store? I’m sensing there might be some heartache around the corner.
Anyway, the scene became more painful as Corey went so far as to tell Colie that he’d convert to her, which was particularly tragic considering Colie was probably at that moment trying to figure out just how many of the waiters she wanted to date at the same time. Nevertheless, the conversation turned into a sappy, whiny debate as the two wound up accusing each other of trying to make the other feel badly. Corey said she was making him feel bad by hooking up with a roommate (who she just happens to be unhealthily obsessed with), and Colie said he was making her feel bad by telling stories of how other girls happened to be out at parties that he’s been going to. So wait a second: merely sharing space with other girls should be on the same plane as Colie’s horny pursuit of Alex? OY VEY. Colie, please see a therapist. It’s the only way. It’s the only way.
After the break, we found a note posted on the girls’ bedroom alerting the public that Colie was taking “a nap” with Corey. She then signed the letter with a heart that was fashioned out of the C in “Colie,” which kind of made me want to throw up in my lap. Well, having been sexiled from her room, Brooke fussed about, saying how rude it was that Colie didn’t bother taking her carnal nap down to the guest bedroom. Funny, wasn’t it Colie just a few weeks ago who was chastising Alex for disrespectfully having sex upstairs, just feet from Colie’s virginal ears? Nevertheless, I was happy that Colie sullied her bedroom, if only because it gave Brooke the opportunity to rant once again. “I think she’s rude. I think she’s insensitive, and I don’t like how she treats people!” she said, adding, “Now somebody get me down before I fall off this incredibly high horse.” (Don’t worry Brooke, I got your back. You’re still my fave).
Brooke then got on the phone with her mom, and somehow resisted the urge to scream, “I’M IN HELL!!!!” Instead, she bashed her roommates, saying that she and Colie were merely “pleasant.” You know, in a completely not pleasant sort of way. Brooke then complained about Jenn and her drunken belligerence, causing Ma to ask, “Honey, have you tried to talk to these girls reasonably and rationally?” Huh? What are these crazy words you’re throwing around, Mrs. Brooke? Reasonably? Rationally? I’m sorry, but I don’t speak gibberish.
Elsewhere in the house, Jenn was busy talking to PJ and Davis, who were once again wrapped up in towels and brushing their teeth. I feel like those two are in a constant state of just getting out of the shower. Anyway, as usual, Jenn herself was in a constant state of stupidity, and she explained the whole Brooke fight fairly simply: “She called me a trashy bitch. That’s why I called her a whore.” Uh… you’re kind of overlooking that whole part where you started the whole fight by calling her a brat without any true provocation. ROCK STAR!
While Jenn removed herself from any responsibility in the tiff, Corey and Colie had another “relationship” conversation by the bathtub. The two talked about general stuff, and Corey explained that he understood why she was hooking up in Denver. The temptations were all around. “It’s painful for me to, like, look at you in the face and, lik, think about other girls coming up to you,” Colie said, continuing, “And I think it’s painful for you to look at me and think of other guys coming up to me.” Once again, I enjoyed the way in which Colie managed to be territorial and jealous while completely glossing over the fact that she doesn’t merely have guys “coming up” to her, but she’s actively pursuing them, in some cases obsessing and borderline stalking. Ultimately, the two agreed that the situation was painful because they hated thinking of each other with different mates. Here’s an idea: STOP CHEATING ON EACH OTHER.
The next morning, Colie delivered Corey to the airport where they shared a hug, a kiss, and one more kiss after that. Little did Corey realize that this would be the last time they’d be seeing each other… EVER!!! Sucker.
Colie seemed to retract from her earlier statement about their future, no longer saying that this was the end but instead that “It’s a situation that’s going to play its way out.” Translation: I PLAN TO HAVE SEX WITH ALEX IMMEDIATELY!!!
After the break, we returned to the house where Brooke was galavanting around in a cowboy hat, preparing for a fun night at a country western bar. Because Jenn’s visiting friends were curious, Brooke then demonstrated the secret art of The Electric Slide, a dance so complicated that only the most skilled hoofers can master it. Well, apparently Brooke went down the electric slide, fell off, and bumped her head because next thing we knew, we saw her having a nice, mature, and low-decibel conversation with Jenn. Thanks to some booze, the two patched up their differences (for now) and agreed that they were just dealing with pent up emotion. Jenn reassured her that she didn’t really think she was a whore, and Brooke replied, “I don’t think you’re a whore either!” She then stifled a laugh, glanced at the camera Jim Halpert style, and mouthed “Total whore!”
Okay, she didn’t do that, but you know, you know she wanted to. Ultimately, both girls managed to blame Colie for their problems, and Brooke finally confessed to us, “I’m a pretty weird girl. I’m a weirdo. I understand that.” She then added, “I’M IN WEIRDO HELL!!!!!”
Later, we found Colie talking to Tyree, obsessing once again over Alex and his recent reluctance to talk to her. “Alex hasn’t talked to me since Corey came, for pretty obvious reasons,” she said. Reason 1: you’re annoying. Reason 2: you’re needy. Reason 3: you’re obsessive. Huh, those are pretty obvious reasons after all!
Tyree pretty much just rolled his eyes at Colie and told her to stop hooking up with Alex and move on. THANK YOU. He then amusingly noted, “Officially, Jenn is 3-0 on you right now.” HAHA. Exactly…
Alex then arrived back at the house from wherever he was (a pink shirt convention), and even though he had a gaggle of friends with him, Colie pulled him aside and insisted that they talk. However, he pretty much blew her off due to the fact that he had guests, and next thing we knew, Alex and his friends and Colie were all in the tub, getting drunk and having a good time. Unfortunately, Colie was way more drunk than everyone else (shocker), and soon she was drawling on and on to some girl, conveniently in Alex’s earshot, about how much she loved Corey or something like that. The whole scene was again classically pathetic, and Alex couldn’t help but to dismiss Colie with a curt and appropriate “Eccch.”
At one point, Colie crawled up to Alex and stared him down, kind of like a retarded bull fight, but he broke the awkwardness by asking her what she was doing. “Alright, shut the fuck up,” she hissed/slurred back at him. Yes, she was wasted and not making any sense as usual; so what better time to get on the phone and talk with Corey. Okay, to be fair, I don’t remember if the Corey scene happened that night or the next day. Either way, Corey said it truly sucked that they acted like they were a couple when they saw each other, and yet, as soon as he left, she probably already had a date planned. “I don’t,” she muttered, adding, “I merely threw myself at Alex with the hopes that he’d have sex with me multiple times in the span of four hours.”
Anyway, Corey clearly saw the writing on the wall, and even though the poor guy loved Colie, he didn’t want to be played the fool. He told her he wasn’t going to be just that guy in the background she goes back to when she’s done hooking up with the rest of Denver. He was going to do his own thing also. As the words came out of the phone, Colie’s face began to crumble. The tears flowed, and she realized that yes, Corey was actually dumping her. And it wasn’t one of those dumps that come from a loud, bitter argument (because those breakups never last). This was one that came from careful thought, and it hurt. Oh, it hurt. Colie was soon bawling into the phone, sad because she couldn’t have her red wine and drink it too. Meanwhile, I was just laughing. What goes around comes around, bitches! I always love when people go on The Real World, hook up with a bunch of people and then expect their boyfriends and girlfriends to just stand idly by. I mean, I should have felt badly for Colie, I guess, but considering how she toyed with this guy’s emotions and the way she seemed to treat his presence like emotional currency with Alex, I felt this turn of events was sweet justice.
“COREY, STOP!!!” Colie pleaded, but her safety-net of a boyfriend was intractable. And cheesy: “I just set you free. Be happy,” Corey said, but Colie was far from happy. She was a total mess — much more so than you’d expect from someone who had been proudly anticipating saying goodbye once and forever. Be careful what you wish for, Colester, because it might just come true!
What did you think about this episode?