Recap: Hot Cows and the Virgins Who Love ‘Em

How ya goin’, mates? Welcome to our very utilitarian episode of the Real World. Not a whole lot happens. Curiosity piqued? Well, away we go….

Still with me?

We start off with a trip to local bar Cargo, cause Real Worlders only like to go to one place per city. It’s KellyAnne and her two bitches, Cowhutta and Dumby.

Cow and KA are flirting away, but KA tells us she’s trying to stop liking him. Cow says he’s just going with it, but he does mention that a year in Georgia would do her good. It would only take that long to brainwash her into that scary Deliverance look that the rest of his family’s got going.

We could teach ‘er real fast like.

The next day, Trasha opens to the door to a flower delivery for KA! They’re from a guy named Carey, who she met out at – guess where – Cargo, of course! She’s not really feeling it for Carey, but she figures she’ll give him a shot anyway. I don’t see Cow sending you any flowers, so that’s the spirit, sweetie!

Shauvon looks impressed, and slightly jealous. It was a nice bouquet, all pink, with lilies. Of course Dumby’s got something to say, and of course it isn’t nice. This guy just wants to show off that he has money and wants to get laid, he sneers. Yeah, so what’s your game, Dumby? Take the girl to Burger King and slap her around?

Dumby wants to clarify. He uses money to get what he wants out of life. Well, what Carey wants is to get laid, so he’s using money to send flowers to get it. How is whatever you do different? Well, Dumby doesn’t define himself with money, he says. Ok again, agreed. You define yourself by being a reactive, ignorant ass. So much better to be defined by that than by money.

Dumby can’t let it go. I too buy flowers, he insists, only when he does it, it means something. Is he kidding me? What in particular about Dumby’s flowers makes them so much more meaningful than anyone else’s? Besides, you know Dumby’s the type to order generic red roses from one of those websites that delivers them all beat up in a UPS box.

I drew ya a flower. Now let’s f**k, b**ch.

Regardless, Dumby tells us the reason why his flowers are so damn meaningful is because he earns the money to buy his flowers, and Carey clearly does not. What the hell, reasons Trasha correctly, you don’t even know the guy. Oh, but apparently, Dumby met Carey for ten minutes, and that was enough time for him to know everything. Hey, why even bother with the date, KA? Just ask Dumby, he’ll tell you everything you need to know about Carey.

Trasha points out the blatantly obvious, that Dumby has anger issues. He has lots of temper tantrums. But Dumby doesn’t see it. He recounts the fight to KA, who never seems to fight with anybody, and tells her he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Wasn’t even raising his voice. People COWER when he raises his voice, he brags. KA smiles and agrees, like she does with everybody. Oh, maybe that’s why she never fights with anyone.

Next we follow our new BFF’s KA and Dumby to the most fabulous bathroom in Sydney. KA’s in the tub, but don’t be alarmed, Princess Priss is in her bikini. She talks and talks and talks about Cowhutta and then tells Dumby she’s concerned that people will think she likes him, which clearly, she does not. She’s so happy that she has Dumby to talk to about her love life and is glad that’s he’s calmer than before. And then, the heavens part and a miracle occurs as Dumby actually recognizes and acknowledges that he is too intense.

Now it’s time to get deep with talk of sex and religion. The two topics that you should never, ever talk about…unless you’re on a reality show that tries to be sort of topical, and the producers have included it in the “List Of Conversations To Have For More Camera Time”, so Isaac and Trash get into it.

Isaac says the good Lord wouldn’t have given us penises and vaginas if we weren’t supposed to have sex. Trasha says the Bible says not to. She’s not afraid to stand up for her beliefs, she self- righteously tells us. Wasn’t she the one who copped to sex with her boyfriend back in Fresno? Whatever, she ends it with a “let’s agree to disagree.” Amen, Sister Christian.

Unfortunately, Dumby’s not satisfied. Dumby doesn’t believe in the Bible. I have to say, a bit of a shock – what a crack in the good ole boy armour. He thinks it’s just a book of a bunch of good stories. Furthermore, Dumby’s written a ten-page paper about this very topic in college, which obviously makes him the foremost expert on Earth on the Bible.

Revelations

Parisa calls him out on this very thing, casually joking that since he wrote a paper, he must know it all, which he gets very, very mad about. She tells him not to preach, which he adamantly denies doing, which I kind of don’t really think he was really doing either, but I can’t stand him so I’ll just go along with Parisa’s accusation. He is very hurt and insulted that she has accused him of preaching and walks off in a huff.

But doesn’t he understand that Parisa was just joking with him? Wow, he’s so uptight. He really needs to chill out. Parisa yells after him that they can do this about anything, followed but “what’s your favorite Skittle, mine’s the opposite.” Ummm, interesting comparison. If she’s saying that he automatically argues with everything she says, than I get it, but in this case she pretty much started with him, so I’m going to go with the opinion that the Skittle thing sounded good, but didn’t make much sense in context of the argument. And that concludes my dissertation on that comment. Fascinating stuff, these Real World disputes, no?

Oh, by the way, Isaac poked his head into this argument to interject that Dumby hasn’t masturbated in the whole time he’s been there in Sydney and Isaac is positive that’s the problem. Yeah, I’m sure it’s that simple.

Dumby goes sulking over to the telephone room to cry to Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie. He’s having a really rough time, he tells her, there’s not girl here who he can stand. They all make him want to kill himself. DGJ laughs gleefully this news. The other girls make him want to kill himself! She’s still #1!

Isaac decides that the solution to Dumby’s problem really is masturbation. He gets Dumby a dirty magazine, and leaves it on the toilet with a note that says, “Proceed with caution, contents under extreme pressure.” When Dumby sees it he says, “funny”, and puts it right back. Duh, Isaac. Dumby gets off on beating girls, not his weenie.

Shoot it!

And then it’s finally time to learn a little about Dumby and what makes him so vile. His Mom was a pessimist and his Dad beat the crap out of him and his brother. A-haaaaaah! He almost got kicked out of school for anger management issues. There’s been a lot of bad shit that’s happened to him, he tells us, and getting angry at the world is a successful and efficient way to deal with this. Does anyone else smell a Dr. Phil / Real World crossover special in the making?

Dumby’s confession is interrupted by a phone call from Carey, which KA takes while eating what looks like a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream. I don’t really know if it’s a big bowl of ice cream, but that so seems like what she’d eat for dinner so I’m just saying it was.

Carey wants to take her out for dinner, and KA says yes. She tells Parisa she’s not really into it though, she doesn’t want to waste time sitting at dinner hearing about Carey because she’s not really interested. Not that it has anything to do with Cow, of course, but she’s just not into Carey.

I didn’t really get what happened next, but somehow, it all turned into another excuse for Dumby to insult Parisa, and all of the sudden she’s complaining that he’s calling her a high maintenance New York bitch. Yes, I said that, but stop taking me so seriously, Dumby scoffs at her. Can’t you even take a joke? Yeah, insulting your sensitive girl roommate all day long is such a funny joke.

But somewhere in all of this, and again, not sure how it happened, Dumby does seem to realize what an asshole he comes off as, and he gets all in Parisa’s ear and tells her he’s sorry, and not to be offended. She pretty much ignores him. Yeah, I’d play it that way, too. Nice that he’s apologizing, but obviously, thinking about it is a constructive exercise for him. And indeed he tells us that for the first time, he is thinking about what he says before he says it. Welcome to humanity, darling.

Carey arrives for his date with KA, and she answers the door in a green dress. She deposits him at the kitchen table, where after a couple of episodes of activity, Isaac and Cowhutta have resumed their station. Isaac tries to be friendly, but Cow tells us Carey looks “too cool for school” in his white blazer with blue pinstripes and t-shirt underneath. Well, Cow’s no fashionista, but I’ll give him that one. Remember Shauvon’s date with the pink and orange stripes? This is all a very sad showing of Aussie male style.

Pull yourself together, Australia!

As they walk to their dinner, KA mentions to Carey that she hopes she’s not underdressed. Get with the program, Carey, clearly you haven’t complimented KA yet. Has she not yet told you about the need for constant attention? Funny, that’s usually the first thing she mentions. Guess she’s really not that into you.

Sure enough, she tells us that she likes Carey’s company, but just as a friend. At dinner, she starts telling him about the guys in the house. Isaac’s the dominant male, Dumby is just “grrrrrrr”, and Cow is amazing and sweet and has a good heart and good sense of humor. Carey presciently asks her what her ideal guy is like. A good guy who’s funny, she answers obliviously….or maybe not.

And speaking of Cow, he’s strolling around with his boyfriend Isaac, who’s trying to convince him not to get involved with KA. She’s a lovely girl, he tells Cow, but girls get crazy when you start having sex with him. How would you know, Jumpsuit? Shauvon left you hanging, that’s why you had to call her a stupid slut, remember? Don’t be a hater, Isaac, if Cow can make it happen with a house girl, live and let live.

KA’s dinner is winding down, and it looks like a really nice expensive restaurant near the opera house. On the walk home, Carey thanks her for the date, and then asks if he can kiss her. It would be incredibly inappropriate, KA prissily tells him. Really? It’s just a kiss, KA. We’ve seen you in the hot tub with Dumby, remember – you don’t have a problem rubbing all over a guy, but a kiss is bad? I bet you KA is one of those girls who gives tons of blowjobs and but tells everyone she’s a virgin.

KA reports on the date to big sis and female kitchen table appendage, Parisa. KA flat out admits that she didn’t care about the date cause she wants a piece of “The Hutty”. Finally! KA tells Parisa that Cow made fun of her dress, he asked her if she was going to prom. Damn Cow, for a guy who wears cut off flannel shirts and a dirty old cowboy hat, you sure do have a lot to say about everyone else’s fashion sense.

KA and Parisa decide it will be fun to take the boys’ porno mags and paste photos of their faces on the models. To the surprise of no one, Isaac likes the really, really dirty kind of porn. Parisa can’t even look at it, except to note that one of the pictures looks like Shauvon. I don’t think she necessarily meant it in a mean way. I like Shauvon myself, but she does look pretty porn-y.

If the guys start touching themselves whenever you enter the room, you have no one to blame but you and your Elmer’s.

Parisa and KA rush around the house to try and get the doctored magazine in place and destroy the evidence as the boys arrive home from a night out. Ah, a short respite from kitchen table duty. Nice. Parisa tells Dumby that she pasted her face all over his porn. That’s hot, he tells her. He does seem a bit more relaxed. Is he drunk or was masturbation really the key?

Cow seems drunk as he grills KA on her date. He wants to know if she had fun, and if Carey spent a lot of money on her. Cow doesn’t need to spend a lot of money on her. He gives her the down home country date, which consists of making a sandwich and feeding her half. Bumpkin’ lovin’, had me a blast…

Later, Cow sneaks up on KA in the tres fab bathroom, and does that towel snap to her ass that boys do in the locker room. You love it, he tells her. Apparently, she does, cause next thing you know she’s sneaking into his room. He trails a moment later, and crawls into bed with her.

Isaac the hater doesn’t like it. When you have sex with someone in the house, get your umbrella cause the shit storm is coming. Again, how would he know? Cow’s in his shorts only when he gets into the bed, and then I see something else get thrown out from under the covers, but KA is still wearing her shirt….so maybe that “everything but” virgin assessment is right on after all!

So, all in all, not the most excitement we’ve seen in Sydney, but we’ve moved our “KA hearts Cow” plot along, and finally discovered a layer of depth to Dumby. Tune in next week when Trasha uses the Bible as an excuse to start gay bashing. Til then, mates…