Thanksgiving is a time for family, reflection, and now pure, unadulterated sluttiness. That’s right, The Real World: Denver kicked off its season in typical fashion, and in case you missed it (because, you know, you were traveling), here’s how to summarize it in a nutshell: like Vegas, except less cerebral. Yes, it was an action-filled premiere, or at least, the last ten minutes were. The rest of the time was spent meeting the gang, watching endless flirtations, and listening to what surely will be the first of many discussions about homosexuality and the church. You know, the usual. But just because this stuff isn’t necessarily fresh, doesn’t mean it’s bad. After all, since when are we to turn away a bunch of horny kids slutting it up for our personal enjoyment?Anyway, the show began in New Orleans, of all places, as we met Colie, a Tulane graduate who looks like a jowl-y version of The Duel’s Jodi (but sounds like a softer version of Fran Drescher). Well, we saw Colie attending her graduation, which featured keynote addresses from Presidents Clinton and Bush (Sr.). Yes, congratulations, sirs. You’ve now made it onto The Real World. A fine milestone in your careers, no doubt.
We then looked at some Very Dramatic Images of the Katrina devastation, which I assumed was this show’s ham-fisted attempt to front-load this premiere with some sort of gravitas or substance. Fear not! It wouldn’t last for long. Colie told us, “Here we are not dwelling on the past but looking to the future!” Yes, a future that involves getting drunk and slutty! Go New Orleans!
Colie then commented, “I want to bring the spirit of New Orleans with me as I come to Denver.” Listen, Colie. You seem like a sweet girl, but let’s not forget you’re from New Jersey, not the heart of St. Bernard Parish. I know there was probably a mandate to include a Katrina survivor in this cast, but seriously, if America’s Next Top Model could find a girl whose whole family had gone missing (and this was last season, no less), couldn’t MTV have found someone who’d at least lost a goldfish or something?
We then watched the new opening credits, which were cool and all. I particularly liked the end when the cast said, “The Real World! Denver!” And then in case we were total idiots, they literally added, “Colorado!” Oh, so it’s that Denver. Okay. I thought they were talking about Denver, Guam.
Well, the first person we met after Colie was Jenn, a former Raiderette, who remarkably appeared to be more Jersey girl-ish than Colie ever was. We also met Tyrie, a big lug of a man, who hopped on a train from Omaha, which then led to a sequence as both cast members looked out their respective train windows and observed the rich topography of the Rocky Mountains. Yes, it was like Manifest Destiny gone lame.
In Denver, Tyrie and Jenn met at the train station, and out of the gate, Tyrie was making googlie eyes at his new companion. “I’ve never seen so many silicon valleys, if you know what I’m saying,” he joked to us after generously rating her with an 11.5 out of 10.
Next up were Alex and Brooke, who met at the airport and shared a fancy schmancy limo to the Real World house. Alex told her, “I just party a lot,” causing Brooke to reply, “I party all the time too!” FINALLY!!! I was wondering how long it would take for The Real World to cast people who like to party!
We then headed over to Writer Square where Stephen and his super-round bean face was waiting around at a table. A blonde All-American boy named Davis soon joined him and revealed his desire to be a plastic surgeon. This wasn’t nearly as exciting to Stephen, a Howard University student, as the news that they were both Baptists. And both religious. And both huge fans of gospel music. “We gotta find a church!” Stephen said, assuming that the need to find a gay bar wasn’t also high on Davis’s list. Yes, as we knew from the casting special, Davis was this season’s token gay guy (although, he did say later in the show that he didn’t go to gay bars). Anyway, Colie suddenly showed up and joined Stephen and Davis (not to be confused with Stephen Davis), and off the bat, Davis told us, “She’s so excited to see us that I get excited to see her, and I just immediately think this is going to be one of my friends in the house.” Well, at least until you two fight over who ate who’s peanut butter.
Anyway, Jenn and Tyrie arrived at the house first, but before we could see what it looked like, we then had to go to commercial. Oh, the suspense was absolutely killing me. So much so that I decided to check in on my fantasy football roster for fifteen minutes. And then go to the bathroom. And then watch the rest of my Tivoed SNL. Nevertheless, after the break, we finally got to see the hallowed interiors of this new house, and it was just as cool and funky as usual. However, what really set this house apart from all the others was, you guessed it, the free sandwich platter from Subway. Oh, Jared! How did you know?
Meanwhile, out on the open road, Alex and Brooke approached the house, and before they got out of their limo, Brooke informed the world that “Lesbians like me.” Yes, well, you’re cute, attractive, and lacking a penis. That will usually do it.
Anyway, Brooke and Alex walked into their new home and soon there were hugs all around with Tyrie and Jenn. In a suggestion that probably surprised no one, Jenn announced that later on, everyone would have to get naked and jump in the hot tub. You know, that way they could all enjoy each other’s diseases without inhibition.
Finally, the last three roommies showed up at the house, and when Stephen saw Tyrie, he told us, “There’s another black guy in the house, and that’s gonna be real cool.” It’ll be even cooler when Tyrie beats him up for being a dweeb.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t much drama by way of room selection. The girls chose the room with three beds (also known as the narrowest room ever), and in an unusual twist, Stephen and Davis opted to share a room as well. “My best guy friend I foresee being Stephen,” Davis said, adding, “As long as he doesn’t have a big religious issue with some of the stuff I bring into the house.” Yeah, shouldn’t be a problem at all. Ultra-conservative Christian republicans LOVE the gay lifestyle!
We then learned that Colie was attracted to Alex and vice versa, but when the gang went out to get some drinks, Colie and Davis decided to hang back and chill in the hot tub. Turns out Colie and Davis actually had a mutual friend by some bizarre connection, and as a result, she knew that he was gay, making her the only one with that privileged information. (Poor Brooke, who was dying to room with a gay man, complained to her buddies, “So no one’s gay, I guess [sigh].”) Anyway, Davis told Colie that he wasn’t going to tell everyone that he was gay at first. He didn’t want to be known merely as “the gay guy,” echoing the desires of about the last ten gay men who have unsuccessfully tried to avoid the label. Instead, he had a plan for how he would let people in on his secret: “I’ll do it in stages.” We’ll see how long that lasts…
Later that night, everyone busted out the booze once again, and this time, the gang was ready for some old fashioned Truth or Dare. Someone asked Brooke if she was going to sleep with a roommate, and she said she didn’t anticipate it (that’s a yes), and then Jenn revealed that if she did sleep with someone (which she most certainly would — hello trashy makeup), it wouldn’t be awkward the next day because she’d be just like whatever (and yes, that is the sound of a delusional lie).
Ultimately, someone eventually dared Alex to kiss Colie on the neck, and so began our first outright slutty moment of the night as he went to town on her. “Best five seconds of my life!” Colie told us, leading me to wonder just how awful had the rest of the seconds been. Later on, we found Tyrie in the hot tub with Brooke and Jenn, who began making out for no discernible reason (this footage was “leaked” about a month ago, in case you forgot). Prior to the girl-on-girl action, however, Tyrie tried to make his move on Brooke by telling her, “You’re beautiful.” Unfortunately, even though Brooke claimed that the compliment made her “feel really good,” it wasn’t enough. Hence, Tyrie was left out of bi-curious adventure day 2006.
Elsewhere in the house, Colie and Alex were all on top of each other, flirting like crazy and ultimately kissing and whatnot. “I just love making out. It’s one of my hobbies. I’m good at it,” Colie said, hopefully not repeating a line from her resume. In typical drunk, needy-girl fashion, she then told Alex, “Even though we’re making out the first night we’ve met each other, it just feels right to me.” And let’s be honest: since when did a drunken hookup not wind up happily ever after?
Well, the two lovebirds wound up in his bed where she whispered something to him that I couldn’t understand. The next morning, even though the hookup had just felt right to Colie, it no longer had that je ne sais quoi about it. Basically, she wanted to avoid Alex, but that was kind of hard, seeing how they, you know, lived together now. As a result, they had forced banter down in the kitchen, but Colie told us the entire time, she just wanted to lay out in the sun. A Jersey girl wants to tan? Now I’ve heard it all!
We then cut to the backyard where the girls were all tanning, and the boys were shooting listless hoops. Fun times. Colie then provided an insightful look into the psychological motivations behind her hookup the night before: “I think my hookup with Alex happened because we’re two good-looking people who like to have fun, and making out is fun!” Yes, it is fun, especially when it gives you more camera time!
Colie then revealed to the girls that Alex had a really big penis (Alton big?), and already, without having seen the rest of the episode, I knew that Jenn would be going after him now. You don’t tramp yourself up like a hooker only to ignore allegedly huge Johnsons.
Meanwhile, in the house, Davis called his sister Garland and gave her the full report on the roommates. Amusingly, he referred to Alex as “a punk rock guy from Texas… he just wears shorts and t-shirts all the time.” WHOA! Crazy! That’s so punk rock! I mean, he wears shorts AND t-shirts!!! Iggy Pop would be blown a-way.
Outside, Brooke was still wondering where all the gay people were, and Tyrie, who seemed unable to hit a single shot, revealed that he didn’t mind gay people at all. He just wanted to be open and tolerant towards everyone. Yes, everyone seemed fine with homosexuality. Everyone but Stephen, who was ironically busy futzing around in the closet. Well, the next day, the whole gang headed out to a bar to do shots, and Jenn asked if anyone was gay. Davis replied that he was, causing Stephen to do a “wha-whaaaa?” reaction. So much for letting people know in stages…
Anyway, conservative Stephen was absolutely thrown for a loop by this news, asking, “Are you sure?” To which Davis replied, “No, I’m not sure. I just had a sudden urge to shop at Ann Taylor today and thought something might be up.” Okay, he didn’t say that. Davis merely reiterated that yes he was sure, and yes he was still a Christian. Well, Stephen could not process this at all. A devout Baptist who was gay too? What the??? His head was literally about to explode, which would be a shame since his head was the roundest head in the history of mankind. Things went from bad to worse when Stephen learned that Davis even had a boyfriend. “He said he had a boyfriend, and that just baffles me!” an astounded Stephen told us. Even worse, Davis then revealed that he had come out of the closet to his frat. “Your FRAT KNOWS????” Stephen balked. Brother needed a cold compress and some Tylenol STAT!
Ultimately, Stephen wound up telling us, “This is a totally different experience than I thought it was going to be.” Yes, who would have ever thought there’d be one of those gays on The Real World. Groundbreaking!
Later on, we found Brooke and Davis squatting on the street for now reason. He told her about his upbringing and how his mom can’t accept that he’s gay and whatnot. She apparently still thought he was possessed by demons. Listen, lady, what do you expect when you name one of your children Garland?
Back at the house, the roomies all got primped and ready for another night of partying, and in the case of Jenn, that meant it was time to bust out the Fuck Me boots. While she revved up her inner (well, outer too) skank, Stephen and Davis had a very serious talk about homosexuality. As you can imagine, it was filled with all sorts of articulate opinions. “I think it’s wrong that you’re gay,” Stephen said boldly.
Too bad he didn’t count on Davis replying with, “What if I said I think it’s wrong that you’re black.” Ooooh! Gotcha!!!
“Time out!” Stephen retorted. Huminah huminah huminah. Stephen then told us, “I didn’t choose to be black… they choose to be gay.” Ah, the lovely smell of ignorance. Ultimately, Stephen and Davis realized they weren’t going to change anyone’s viewpoints, so they agreed to disagree, noting that the most important thing was that they be able to simply get along. They shook on it, but something tells me they won’t be going to church together…
With our token bit of socially conscious discussion over, it was time to get back to the scandalous adventures of the Man-Slut Alex. He revealed to the girls his tattoo, which simply said “Hey!” I didn’t know whether to roll my eyes at the stupidity of such a tattoo, or to laugh heartily at its Mischa Barton-esque nature. Ultimately, I decided it was about ten times better than the pretentious shit people slap on their bodies; so even though it was silly, I couldn’t bash Alex too much. I could, however, deride him for using a dumb font. Seriously? Comic Sans? That shit will be with you for the rest of your life!
Jenn then revealed that she didn’t have any tattoos (mild shock), but she really wanted a set of lips on her ass. You know, because that’s not extremely trashy at all.
For whatever reason, Colie then gushed to us about Jenn, saying, “From what I’ve learned about her so far, she’s a genuine, good friend.” This, by the way, was the same instinct that led her to believe that hooking up with Alex felt ever so right.
Speaking of which, over at the club, Colie and Alex began to hook up again, and Jenn told us, “You know, they’re both so hot, it works.” God forbid they forge a romance based on, you know, “personality,” whatever that is.
We then had a flashback to Spring Break: Undercover (you know what I’m talking about) as Colie, Jen and Alex engaged in a three-way kiss. As hard as these fools tried, they still had nothing on Vegas.
Later on, Colie and Alex continued to swap spit back at the house, leaving poor Jenn to sit alone on a couch with no penis to fondle with. Well, that wouldn’t last for long. Colie then headed upstairs to her bed and told Alex to join her. He said he’d be right up, but as soon as she was gone, Jenn pounced. Flirting would be an understatement. She was all over Alex, and while Colie passed out in her own bed, waiting for her knight in shining “Hey!” tattoo, Jenn went to town. She and Alex popped a frozen pizza in the oven and then commenced making out in the living room. And Jenn wonders why she doesn’t have a lot of girl friends…
Well, Alex and Jenn soon moved their fun times into the guest bedroom, and just when things were gonna get hot and heavy, the oven alarm just happened to go off. I’m not saying it was producer intervention, I’m just saying it was highly coincidental. Well, the alarm woke up Colie, who trekked downstairs to investigate. She pulled the pizza out of the oven, and then tried to find Alex and Jenn, who clearly were to blame for this culinary neglect. Sure enough, Colie found the two in the guest room, pretending like they hadn’t just been making out two seconds prior. She could tell what was going on, but she didn’t flip out or anything. She was just upset that Alex hadn’t spread his man-slut cheer to her bedroom too. What Colie didn’t understand was that Alex was a fickle beast. He didn’t want to be weighed down by one slut over another. He wanted the freedom to spread his STDs at a pace he was accustomed to. Basically, he feared that Colie may have been developing a crush whereas Jenn was just having fun. This led to a dumb “talk” by Alex to Colie, clarifying the situation, and when she returned to her bed alone and sad, he resumed activities with Jenn in the guest bedroom. Huzzah!
It was all going swimmingly until Jenn suddenly had a crisis of conscience. She realized she was having sex! With the guy that Colie liked! And if she continued, Colie would get hurt! She liked Colie too much to do that to her. But then again, she also like Alex too. What would Jenn do???
And just like that, the premiere ended. Eh. Decent. The antics in the last act were amusing, but a lot of the sexual activity just seemed like more wannabe career reality stars jockeying for attention — or at least the next spot on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. What did you think about the premiere?