After last week’s self-consciously slutty premiere of The Real World: Denver, we knew it would be hard to follow up with anything worthwhile. Sure enough, episode #2 was a bit on the slow side, despite a few interlocking tongues and whatnot. I fear that I’ve grown too dependent on Paula Walnuts to provide my drama. Let’s face it: I’d rather have five sublime seconds of “KISS MY ASS!!! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!” rather than the twenty-two endless minutes of Colie yammering on about each and every thought that passes through her brain. Yes, she’s a talker, but that doesn’t mean she’s interesting. If she remains the cornerstone of this show, this is going to be a very loooong season.This week’s episode began the morning after Jenn and Alex’s pizza-burnin’ hookup from last week. Where there was once merriment and mirth, there now were big, red stains and nasty old pizza. Yes, the cruel light of day and sobriety revealed that things were not as joyous as they once were just a mere few hours prior.
Anyway, Colie stumbled upon this kitchen mess and immediately announced that she was not cleaning it up. “Who did it?” she asked, clearly forgetting that she had been partying until the wee hours with Alex and Jenn the night before. This was certainly the handiwork of Stephen, that scalawag!
Meanwhile, Jenn woke up and realized that she might just be the biggest whore in Denver. Oops! She told us over and over again about how she was freaking out and felt badly about the situation, and apparently, her version of “freaking out” involved brushing her teeth and making obnoxious noises on the sidewalk.
Well, Alex and Jenn headed off to brunch at a place called Snooze where they met up with Stephen and Tyrie (a.k.a. the conservative, boring one and the affable but ultimately not-in-the-group one). Conversation soon centered around The Mystery of the Pizza Oven as Alex tried to figure out who could have possibly turned off the oven while he and Jenn were mid-hookup. After briefly accusing Stephen of such a dastardly act, Alex then vaguely remembered that Colie had been in the kitchen. Perhaps if Alex could clear a few more cobwebs off his brain, he’d remember that Colie had not only turned off the oven, but walked in on him and Jenn in flagrante delicto. Scandal!
Upon hearing that Colie had saved the house from a Di Giorno-inflicted blaze, Jenn suddenly remembered that oops! She’d not only had sex with Colie’s boy, but Colie had caught her too. “I feel like an asshole,” she told us, perhaps realizing that she actually was a mild asshole. Meanwhile, dearest Colie was also somewhat hazy about everything, and so instead of waking up with a chip on her shoulder, she merely called her best friend Becca to have a good old fashioned omigawwwd sesh on the phone. Did she even know about Jenn and Alex? Would the two be able to get away with the perfect crime?
Pink is the new idiot.
Of course, one glance at Jenn and Alex in their matching pink tops was the all the evidence Colie needed to begin sniffing out infidelity. The Jersey Girl happily announced to us that she had “property rights” on Alex, which may or may not have been true, and then after telling Alex that she had proudly cleaned up his and Jenn’s mess (the passive-aggressive cleanup — always a fave), Colie literally followed Jenn into the shower and just waited there. She wanted an explanation, but she didn’t want to ask for it; so instead she pointed out the new hickey Jenn had sprouted on her neck, causing Jenn to realize that she’d been totally busted.
Well, what do you do when you know you’ve been caught? If you’re Jenn, you cry your way out of the hole. Yes, she and Colie sat within inches of each other (this was later, after the shower) and cried to each other. This was one of the more laughably ridiculous Real World scenes in some time as the girls tearfully confessed to emotional impulses and whatnot. In between sniffles, Jenn told us, “I’ve never had to be in this position!” Something tells me she wasn’t being totally forthright with us. Nevertheless, she did accurately assess the situation when she then stated, “I look like a hypocrite. I look like a whore. And I look foolish.” And that was before the season started. Rimshot!
Anyway, the girls continued to literally cry at each other until finally, they had a stunning realization: this was all Alex’s fault! (Not an unreasonable conclusion.) Might this be MTV’s answer to John Tucker Must Die? Before we could find out, we had a little rationalization to take care of, courtesy of Jenn. She told us, “I need to stop drinking as much as I do because I do things that I don’t want to do…And I didn’t want to have sex with Alex.” Yes, she didn’t want to hook up with Alex at all. Not in the slightest!! I mean, she didn’t even realize it was happening at the time. Don’t you remember from last week how she told us she suddenly realized she was having sex. IT WAS BEYOND HER CONTROL. The drinking must stop!!!
Even more laughably, Jenn then reflected on her relationship with Colie, commenting, “A friendship together of ours is a whole lot stronger and a whole lot more valuable than anything with a guy. And Colie will be at my wedding.” Keep in mind this was only about thirty-eight hours after having met Colie. I haven’t seen this much instant devotion since the days of Ivette and Cappy.
“No! You’re not a vapid slut. I AM!! I AM!!!”
Later, Colie had a mild confrontation with Alex about how he had made her feel like an idiot and stuff like that, but he quickly mollified her by saying, “You’re a good kisser at least.” WELL! Never mind then! He further charmed her boots off by saying, “I think you’re great.” She tried to act like her heart wasn’t totally aflutter by replying, “I think you’re okay,” but we could tell she wanted to scream, “MAKE ME PREGNANT!”
Well, after talking Alex’s ear off, Colie then cuddled up next to a bored-looking Brooke and continued to ramble on about the situation. Something tells me Colie’s the sort of girl who goes from person to person, complaining about the same issue over and over again until a new drama appears in her life. Nevertheless, we then flashed forward to nighttime as the girls headed out for some good ol’ bar-hopping. While they boozed it up, Alex called his mom on the phone and reassured her that he wasn’t being a total manwhore (lie) — “I’m just a playboy.” Yeah, it’s nothing he could help — kind of like that receding hairline of his.
Back at the bar, a drunken Colie (wearing a hoodie, for no good reason) met a boy named Nick, who looked like the average schlub you might find passed out in the gutters by Coors Field. Well, the combination of his horniness and her passive-aggressive need to get back at Alex meant that these two were soon pressed up against a grimy gas station wall, making out like crazy. They soon took their freakshow back to the mansion where Brooke warned Nick, “Do not try to have sex with her!” I kind of felt bad that Brook had cockblocked so badly, but we all knew that if Nick couldn’t get it on with Colie, Jenn would be there to lap up the sloppy seconds.
Anyway, Alex totally saw through Colie’s transparent ploy and joked, “Stop making out with people because I like you!” Of course, we’d been seeing this quote all week and been led to believe that it was actually sincere. Well, it wasn’t. Alex didn’t give a shit that Colie had a new boy, much less a pale, pear-shaped boy.
Davis suddenly popped up for his obligatory one second of airtime to say “I think she brings Nick to the house just to make Alex jealous.” A BOMBSHELL OBSERVATION!
Actually, to be fair, Davis did have more than one second of airtime. Later on, after Nick had thankfully left the house, Davis informed Colie that her fling was far from hot. She tried to defend Nick’s beauty, but it was a lost cause. Sorry, Collie. We all saw him. It wasn’t pleasant. Please never show him again. Signed, America.
Wow. It’s getting HOT in here.
Well, a drunk Colie and a drunk Alex began talking about their relationship again, and she unsurprisingly revealed that of everyone in the house, she’d want to be with him. Alex in turn replied that he’d want to be with her. Great. An on-again-awful-again relationship. Just what we need.
Around this point in the episode, I rubbed my temples and prayed that Colie would just shut up. She did not.
After having this heart-to-drunk-heart convo, Alex and Colie then retired to the bedroom where they made a pact to not hook up with other people the next day. Awww. The sluts are trying to be monogamous. How sweet.
Of course, a new day brings a new pink top for Alex, and we all know what that means: no more pact! He informed us that he didn’t want to be Mr. Emo anymore (but why the pink tank-top?) and that all the stress in his life came from having to deal with the consequences of his words. Yes, I believe that’s commonly known as “mature responsibility.”
“And now on to Davis…”
Anyway, Alex left Colie a note saying, “We need to talk,” which was amusing because he could have just told her right there, “We need to talk.” But I guess there’s still something to be said about the written word, especially when you look at how many Real Worlders seem incapable of writing words.
Well, Alex pretended like he couldn’t remember the conversation the night before at all, and furthermore, he revealed that he didn’t want to be in a relationship. This all understandably annoyed Colie, especially since he was her only viable hookup option in the house. I mean, Davis was gay, and according to Colie, she would “never, ever” hookup with Stephen and Tyrie. Why? I don’t know. I’ll just blame it on outgroup homogeneity bias. Or as I like to call it, subtle racism. Yay!
What did you think about this episode? How’s the season so far? Don’t forget to watch Madeyoulaugh on the After Show!