Alright Real World Sydney people, here’s the deal. You got to spend the summer in Sydney, and in exchange for that I want drama. I want drunken hookups, fights, ignorance, drunken fights, ignorant hookups and someone who’s ignorant and should definitely go home. So, let’s pop a Xanax for that looonnnng flight out to Australia, and see what we’ve go to work with.
Sydney’s where all the real hipsters are.
The first roomie we meet is Trisha, who has blond hair with black hair underneath. I don’t get that look. Make up your mind! The first thing Trasha has to say is that all her friends are just like her – all the hot girls in town. You know what that means. They’re so hot they’re never taken seriously for anything else. Thank you Real World, for giving Trasha a fair chance to prove she is just as trashy as she is hot.
Next comes Cohutta, in a sleeveless flannel shirt. He feels like he stands out in the big city. Well, a flannel shirt in the summer will make people look twice, country boy. He tells us how everything is slower in Georgia, but he hopes the big city is ready for him! Loving that country wisdom already.
KellyAnne is from Texas which explains why she’s dressed in big polka dots. She’s always been the poor girl from wrong side of the tracks. She loves attention and doesn’t care about consequences.
What an ass.
She gets on a boat with Cowhutta and as they cruise through the breathtaking blue water of Sydney Harbour, all KellyAnne notices is that there are lot of pretty girls in Australia. KellyAnne is going to be one big, gooey insecure mess.
After that, we meet Isaac from Cleveland, Ohio. Isaac’s into art and music – rap, of course. He’s on probation, after having been in rehab. Apparently, he tells us, you’re “not allowed to rob fifteen houses and shoot fireworks in someone’s window”. He says it an offhanded way, like hey, who knew? Anyone who’s not a sociopath, that’s who. He may have a whole lot in common with No Consequence KellyAnne. But then he tells us it’s a new beginning for him. I’m touched.
Shauvon is the next roommate, and she’s working this multi colored hair look as well. Am I missing something? I just think it looks terribly trashy. Shauvon is a journalism major at “Sac State” – that’s Sacramento State, for those of us not in the know. She writes a sex column there. But she doesn’t want to be judged because of that. Shauvon will do many things during this episode that will prove she’s NOTHING like how you would expect a sex columnist to be.
Isaac likes Shauvon right away. He’s a boob guy he tells us, and he loves her large “toddlers”. So, this is what we’ve sent abroad to represent people in their twenties from the U.S. MTV, this does not make me proud to be an American.
Next up is Dunbar, who proudly displays his Mississippi state flag, which conveniently enough looks exactly like a Confederate flag. Did anyone else know that? But don’t judge him either; he may be a racist, but he assures us that he’s also a gentleman. He also tells us people either love him or hate him. Guess which way I’m leaning.
Yummy! Racism is totally hot.
And finally, we have Parisa, the Muslim girl from New York City. She’s only worried that the other girls are going to look like supermodels. Why do the two blonds have to be cheap and the two brunettes insecure? Parisa thinks Dunbar is “perfect looking”, and she hopes he’s nice and smart. Keep hoping darling. I just don’t see that happening.
The Sydney house is absolutely gorgeous…so much more beautiful than anyone on the Real World deserves. It has an awesome bathroom, with tiles that look like an underwater scene, and a hot tub that takes up a whole room. “Help me choose which room to pick,” cries KellyAnne in her stupid little girl voice, while Cowhutta infers that the blue room must be for the boys.
Trasha approaches the house, wondering if there will be a hot roommate, or a bitchy girl that she’s not going to get along with. Magic eight ball says…chances are good! She and KellyAnne are immediate BFF, and run around the house checking things out. Trasha’s so excited that they have a gym – of course they do, honey, MTV wants to keep you fit and camera friendly.
There’s a reason this kid’s not on this show.
Insecure KellyAnne immediately clings to Trasha, and decides they should take the center room, so they can be in the middle of everything. It’s very playground fab.
Isaac and Shauvon chat on the way to the house. They’re both single, and Shauvon hopes that there are more guys in the house…because guys are less drama than girls. Oh, no judging you, Shauvon. I’m so sure that someone who writes a sex column every week only wants to be around guys because they cause less drama.
Meanwhile, Parisa sits in a car with Dunbar, acting like they’re on their first date. She can’t carry a conversation, but he tells her she’s doing good, and he’s glad he met her first. Parisa swoons at this morsel of a compliment, and gushes that they just “get along very well”. Of course you do, dear. Confederate Dunbar likes girls who don’t fucking talk.
And on that note, we then meet “Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie”, as she actually introduces herself. In addition to liking girls who keep their mouths shut, he likes ‘em identity-less too. He carries on about what a great relationship it is, because he hasn’t cheated on her yet. Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie, you are so lucky to have landed this one.
I love it when you close your mouth like that, baby. Never change.
Back at the house, everyone’s antsy to meet the last two roomies. Are they taking so long cause they’re really cool, KellyAnne wonders? Oh, stupid is so adorable, KA. Trasha tells us how sad she’ll be if there’s a hot guy in the house. She doesn’t want to be tempted. I hear ya, Trash. So much more fun to spend three months in Australia around ugly dudes.
When Parisa and Dunbar finally arrive, Shauvon is ecstatic to see another girl, as KA and Trasha have been a little too “buddy-buddy” for her taste so far. KA and Trasha try to draw them into a chat, but Shauvon drags Parisa off for a house tour. Well, that’s the first and last straw between the two girl factions, and next thing you know Parisa’s telling us how she doesn’t normally get along with girls ’cause they’re “too catty”, while KA and Trasha are spewing Parisa hate because she was more into checking out the house than talking to them. These girls were not lying about being desperate for attention.
As the group gets ready for the first night of partying in Sydney, Dunbar and Isaac discuss who’s the best looking at in the house. For Dunbar, it comes down to who’s worth looking at naked. Then Dunbar tells us that Parisa’s the deepest in the house. This statement confuses Isaac, leading to this gem of an exchange:
Isaac: What do you mean, the deepest?
Dunbar: You know, deep. Not shallow.
Isaac: You can tell that already?
Dunbar: Well, I did spend 45 minutes in the car with her.
The housemates go out for their first night on the town, and at dinner, Dunbar spends the whole time talking about his girlfriend. Then they go out dancing, where Parisa tells us if Dunbar were single, it would be a fairy tale. Then she drifts off to narrow down her china patterns.
When they return to the house (minus Parisa, who came home early, cause she’s the most fun) KellyAnne and Dunbar are lounging in the hot tub. KA toasts Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie and Dunbar tells her how DG Julie is the kind of girl he’ll marry. The not so subtle implication being, DG Julie is no hot tub ‘ho like you, KellyAnne. But girlfriend’s back in Mississippi and as far as Dunbar’s concerned, talking about how much he loves her while slutty KA rubs herself all over him in a hot tub is totally innocent. Oh, and another thing Dunbar, you have bad teeth. No more close- ups for you.
1-800-DENTIST. Give ‘em a shot.
Parisa is off course bothered by KA’s whoring it up for her Dunbar, but she tells us she’s only upset for Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie. Not because she’s mentally picking out wedding gowns and trying to decide if she’s known Shauvon long enough to ask her to be a bridesmaid.
In the morning KellyAnne runs around the house like a giggling idiot, still wearing her bikini from the night before, and all I have to say is, ewwww. Do you know how much bacteria lives in hot tubs? She climbs into bed with Parisa and thinks it’s precious, but Parisa is not amused. It’s downright inconsiderate, she tells us. I don’t know what the hell Parisa thinks she signed up for. This is the Real World. Consideration has no place here.
Cowhutta goes to the phone room to talk to Grandpa Mountain. Cowhutta mentions that the house is the nicest place he’s ever lived. Cowhutta’s Grandpa points out only lived in two places. He’s a smartass Grandpa Mountain! Then he asks if the girls are hot. Oh, now he’s a frisky Grandpa Mountain! KA chooses this moment to sprawl out in front of Cowhutta still in her bikini. Ok babe, we believe you, you really do need constant attention. And do you not have another bikini?
Parisa really hates KellyAnne’s antics. Over in the bathroom, Parisa (who has problems getting along with girls because of how catty most girls are) is bitching about KellyAnne with Shauvon (who hopes there are more guys in the house because they don’t cause drama). Parisa does not want to be KA’s baby-sitter. I’m not being paid for that, she says. Well, you’re not being paid to go home early while the rest of the roommates get drunk and hook up either. Although you may be being paid to be the jealous, insecure ethnic girl – we’ll have to see how that one plays out.
Well, there’s a pretty clever air duct situation in that house, cause KA hears them talking about her all the way in the kitchen! Now, I’m just as annoyed by stupid KellyAnne as anyone else, but when she prances into that bathroom to confront the two bitches, I say you go, girl! When did Parisa baby-sit her? She left early!
Parisa says that she had to talk behind KA’s back because KA wouldn’t listen to her otherwise. “Oh, I’m listening”, KA tells her with dripping sarcasm. “You’re listening, and you’re giving me attitude” says Parisa. She busted you talking shit on her, meanie, of course she’s giving you attitude.
Then Shauvon chimes in, condescendingly telling KA that one day, she would thank them. For what? Proving that no matter where you go in life, there are always miserable bitches that will hate you? Then they go back to putting on their makeup while KA stands there looking insulted and confused.
Well, they gave you attention.
Luckily, Dunbar is there to explain things to us. He and all the other very mature guys, who all live in 2007, have known all along that any drama in the house will be caused by “Vaginal Insecurity”. He tells us this with his head in his hands. Oh, that pesky vaginal insecurity. I’m sure what happened was, KA and Parisa compared vaginas, decided the other girl’s was prettier, and now they’ll be fighting the whole time. That Dunbar sure does know women.
KA throws herself on the bed in her and Trasha’s room. She always has problems with girls because – all together now – she’s too cute! Trasha correctly points out that Parisa is particularly bothered by the attention that Dunbar has shown KellyAnne. So KA threatens to make Parisa cry every night until she goes home. Stop it, KA. I can’t be on your side when you say idiotic things.
Well, the next morning, it’s Trasha’s turn to have it out with Parisa. I don’t even catch what the whole fight is about, but it’s something about dirty dishes that culminates in both girls offering to buy the other a new personality. Yay, shopping!
Woah. Now here’s a girl who knows how to buy personality.
And then it’s time to head for the beach. Dunbar wanders around looking for topless girls. I say we wrap him up in his flag and lock him down in Mississippi until the end of time, who’s with me? Shauvon wants to go topless, but she is very aware of the fact that she’s hanging with three total Neanderthals, so she compromises by taking off her top and holding her hands over her boobs. Brilliant plan, your hands all over your naked breasts shouldn’t get anyone excited the way looking at them would. Meanwhile, Parisa applies sunscreen to Dunbar’s chest, and wonders what to name their children.
Trasha and KA have separated from the group at the beach, and at some point, they ran into a crisis at McDonald’s. Trash recounts the episode to the housemates later that day. Apparently, Trasha wanted a milkshake with “crunchy” but she wanted to taste the “crunchy” first. All hail Trasha, connoisseur of crunch.
The person behind the counter doesn’t understand the request, so she offered Trasha a milkshake with Oreo, which Trasha is fine with, but then it turns out that they were out of Oreo….five hours later I wake up and find out that somehow, the reason why they were out of Oreo was because the lady behind the McDonald’s counter couldn’t speak English. Trasha comes off sounding quite ignorant, and in a really mean way too. Parisa is horrified. She calls her Mom and cries to her. Sorry doll, but they actually call it the real world for a reason.
What kind of world do we live in where people have to know how to communicate with their customers? That’s just cruel!
But more importantly, where’s Dunbar? Parisa quickly shifts gears back to her future husband. She’s already got issues. She wants to think of him as Prince Charming, but she’s turned off by the way he acts around other girls. He is just not meeting her needs as imaginary boyfriend. And he’s not helping matters by stepping outside for a meeting with KA and Trasha, so they can make fun of Parisa’s crush on him while browbeating him with how mean and wretched she is. This is like Mean Girls – The Reality Show. Loves it. Loves it, loves it, loves it.
But Dunbar could care less about all this silly “Vaginal Insecurity”. The real news here is that Parisa has a crush on him. A lot of people have crushes on him, he tells us with a world-weary sigh. But he can’t control that. And he can’t love every one back. He races to the phone to call Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie. There’s drama in the house already, he tells her. And…both girls involved like him! But you’re mine, Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie reminds Dunbar, already clearly in a panic.
And hey, don’t forget about Shauvon, the sex columnist that we aren’t judging. She’s on the floor of the confessional making out with O-Town refugee Isaac. She was just lonely and needed to make out with someone. Don’t judge!
Congrats! First boner of the season!
Later that night, Shauvon and Parisa talk about the hook up, with Parisa declaring that she was on “Team Isaac”. Thank you Spencer from The Hills, now everyone’s on a damn team. Shauvon says Parisa should be on her team, not Isaac’s, but Parisa says Shauvon’s team is “Team Isaac”. I’m on team “Shut Up And Go To Sleep.”
Well, the next day, it’s time to kiss and make-up. First up is Shauvon, who confronts KellyAnne to make nice, and also to remind her not to talk behind her back, to say whatever she needed to say to her face. Are you kidding me? But KA, bless her double-wide heart, not only forgets the part where she was the one who walked in on Shauvon talking about her, KA actually admits to talking behind Shauvon’s back! KellyAnne is her own Lifetime movie entitled, “Desperate To Be Your Friend”.
And on that note, KA makes up with Parisa as well. Parisa tells KA that she wouldn’t say anything behind her back that she wouldn’t say to her in person. In other words, I still hate you and will be talking plenty of shit about you, both behind your back and to your face, you imaginary boyfriend stealing bitch.
Oh, this show’s definitely got hope. See you next time mates, for more drama down under…