Welcome back to the Real World Sydney, where the sisters are flipping the switch! It’s been three long weeks of Dumby strutting around the Tony Manero of Darling Harbour, but it looks like today’s the day that the tide starts to turn.
The hats couldn’t help themselves. It was love at first sight.
We rejoin our castaways in the most divine bathroom ever, where Dumby and KellyAnne are pitter-pattering around in domestic bliss, talking about how Dumby slept and how KA can’t recall which toothbrush is hers. KA informs us that she’ll go for any guy that “isn’t scummy”. Self important, confederate wife beaters are fine. Just no one scummy.
Parisa updates us on The Letter – apparently, she has still received no response from Dumby. She just can’t understand how he calls himself intelligent and mature, but turns into a teenager around KA. Let me break it down for you, honey. He’s a dude, and KA’s sporting a super cute ass. Any questions?
It only takes Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie three minutes to rear her head into this episode, as he tells Parisa that he fell in love with Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie on the way to class. He continues on to tell her that Ole Miss is known for the most beautiful women in the world, waaaaay hotter than any girl here. Actually, Mississippi is known for having a name that was hilarious to spell out loud when I was in kindergarten, but I’m sure the girls are just adorable.
Anyway, to really drive his point home, Dumby makes sure to add that Parisa’s most definitely not in the hot category, she’s “interesting”. Parisa totally takes the bait, retreats to the couch and cries to Shauvon about how in the Real World house she’s the “interesting” one, but in New York, people stop on the street to look at her. Please. You’re a nice looking girl, Parisa, but don’t expect us to believe that Dumby’s the first one you haven’t been able to trap in your web.
Dumby, drunk on the power of two girls in love with him and smugly satisfied at having made one of them feel like dirt, goes to the confessional and proceeds to tell us that Parisa can’t have the relationship she wants to have with him, and until she realizes that, he will not acknowledge her letter. Tough love, you see. And if she doesn’t manage to figure it out on her own, he’ll just beat it into her later.
Over in the kitchen, Cowhutta and Isaac are at their regular posts, but it looks like Cow’s itching to make a break for it! He’s moaning about how he doesn’t think any of the women in Sydney are his type. Then he tells us he likes a classy lady. Very well, Sir Mountain, and classy ladies just love fellows in flannel shirts with the sleeves cut off.
But enough about you Cow, Parisa’s lurking nearby, and upon hearing the news of no Cow-worthy ladies so far, she whines, what’s wrong with her? Well, for me, it’s that your butt smells, says Isaac very seriously. Isaac, please don’t make sort of funny comments that put things in perspective. I am very comfy looking down on you from my soapbox, and I don’t want to have to move.
Why, hello Trasha! Where have you been the past episode and a half? Who knows, but she makes a crucial guest appearance on this one, as Dumby chooses her as confessor for his awful plight of two girls in love with him. He can’t help it if two girls have crushes on him. And he TRIES! He doesn’t wash his face, he wears unfashionable trucker hats, keeps his teeth brown and snaggly…what more can he do?
But come on, he implores. One of the lovelorn wants to have a good time, and one looks at him as a soulmate. Who would you pick? He nastily advises Parisa to have a look at the book “He’s Not That Into You” for a reality check. I am officially nastily advising him to have a look at this recap for one of his own.
Uh-oh. We know what happens when Isaac shares the diary room…
Trash, clearly wanting to make the most out of screen time, but without having to make a play for Dumby herself, takes the news back to KA, who is GROSSED OUT by Dumby’s thinking she likes him. OMG, she would like, totally vomit if she knew he thought her and Parisa were just about ready to start a holy war over him.
Well, with all this Dumby nonsense, Parisa has forgotten about the recording studio in the house, but now she wants is to get in the studio and sing! I had forgotten all about Parisa even being a singer songwriter. I bet you she sings really inspirational, uplifting songs.
Her, Cow and Isaac put together a little family band. Isaac was the only one who figured out that there was no sound coming from the keyboards because the volume was down. He’s a rapper you know, in case last week’s blue jumpsuit didn’t clue you in to that.
Parisa starts singing, and surprise, surprise, she’s got the blues. She tells us her musical gift is a blessing. I wouldn’t exactly categorize her skill level as “blessed”, but if it makes you feel less angsty, by all means. And speaking of categorizing Parisa, she is still very affected that Dumby has done so as well. She doesn’t like how he has casts her and KA against each other. The logical person to talk to this about is Dumby, but because he is too afraid to talk to Parisa until her love subsides, she tells us she needs to talk KA about it.
Get Cowhutta in here again to turn the volume back down.
The two brunettes go for a walk. Parisa talks in circles about Dumby and KA and the omnipresent Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie. I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about, and neither does KA, so she bluntly asks Parisa if she likes Dumby. Parisa pauses, and then says no. So…yes, but trying not to. Hey, it’s a start.
KA practically bubbles over with her Dumby issues, and tells Parisa that she doesn’t like him either and then basically repeats Dumby’s exact comments about Parisa. The karma stick is on fire in Sydney!
She carries on about how she’s a sexual girl, but she doesn’t have sex. Well, how does that work? Dumby doesn’t seem to understand that concept either, but according to KA, that’s just tough luck for him. She crows with pride over her high school nickname, ****tease, and Parisa tells us the talk has really helped her understand KA better. And that makes one of us.
I’m totally not gonna have sex with him. I’m just gonna pretend to!
They return to the house, and now it’s KA and Dumby’s turn to talk. KA tells him he needs to stop talking shit on her, and telling people that she’s in love with him. Dumby chuckles condescendingly and tells her not to be mad. She insists that she doesn’t like him. He mockingly agrees. She tells him that she’s not here looking for anyone in Australia. And if you were, he finishes for her with noticeably less bluster, it wouldn’t be me. Ah, now you’re staring to get it.
Post dumping (hahahaha!) Dumby goes to talk to Isaac. America’s two finest exports are attired in matching yellow shirts today. He slumps down in a chair in utter disbelief that KA is NOT INTERESTED. Then, because he’s such a graceful reject, he says that KA’s definitely gotten less attractive the past couple of days. Really? Cause ever since she started taking your zitty, confederate ass down, she’s been the most beautiful girl in the world to me.
So our resilient little heroine has indeed moved on her next conquest…and Cowhutta, come on down! She sits outside with him and Parisa, and the two of them flirt like crazy. There’s even talk of a threesome! Cow imparts a little more country wisdom on that topic, telling us how if somebody’s fun, and somebody else is fun, then whatever they do will be fun. Well, I’m convinced. Help me off with this constricting fringed vest now, cowboy.
Later on, as Parisa wanders through the House of Blues, Dumby finds it necessary to tell her that women aren’t allowed to sing the blues. It’s only allowed for black men from the south, because they’re the only ones who can feel soul behind it. Sorry, but I’ve got some dirty tore up sweatpants and about three hundred empty boxes of Oreos that would to differ with you on that one, you ignorant moron.
But wait, there’s more! He grabs her by the shoulders to really get the insults in, making absolutely sure he’s offended her somehow. She pulls away, and then he yells at her for that, telling her not to pull away from him like he’s holding her. That’s exactly what you were doing, asshole. She says he has the right to say whatever he wants about her, but she has no obligation to listen to him. Hallelujah!
Meanwhile, KA and Cowhutta continue their dance, only this time they do it right in front of Dumby, making it officially his worst day evahhhhh in Sydney! He snidely asks them if they’re off to make little mountain babies. Hard to insult country folk though; instead of taking offense to the “mountain” part, they just start talking about how cute their babies would be.
Close your legs.
They all go out for the night, and Cow is finally emerging from his peanutty, Georgia shell and hitting on the ladies right and left. He’s got a cowboy hat, a bear claw and lots of other country tricks up his flannel sleeve, and the women of Sydney love it. KA’s getting a little jealous, but she can’t blame them, cause she thinks Cow is just adorable.
On the drunken walk home from the bar, KA is hanging all over the man of the night. She enthusiastically tells him he smells good! He loves her a bushel and a peck, and she has a crush on him that’s so miniature, you can barely see it. I don’t think so sweetie, ChickBomb sees all.
Next stop for KA is to poke that final nail into Dumby’s wooden cross, as she fills him on her not so miniature crush. Dumby still doesn’t believe that she’s not head over heels for him, and tells her that it won’t be the same with Cow as it was with them. But the magic’s all gone for KA, and now Dumby’s starting to creep her out! She doesn’t even really like him as a person, which begs the question, is really so good looking that everyone spent two weeks not noticing his shitty personality?
But KA isn’t done with Cow. She plants a hat equally if not more ridiculous than Cow’s on her head, and hits the confessional with him. Now, Shauvon, who’s smarter and sluttier, did her confessional time with Isaac on the floor, cause a) something was happening and b) no cameras on the floor. But this is KA, so she straddles him on the chair, doesn’t kiss him and then walks out.
Woops. I’m not trying to make out with you, my butt just had a speech it wanted to give.
Unlike Dumby, who after one meaningful glance is screaming stalker and taking out a restraining order, Cow understands that it’s all just fun. He likes a flirty girl, cause he likes to flirt. Makes sense to me, John Denver. KA bounces into bed with him to get her snuggle on, until Dumby, clearly handling KA’s rejection well, walks in on them and wakes Cow up to tell him “You know she’s a ****tease, right?” Ooooh, good one, Dumby! She only wears that nickname like a damn sash.
After a long day of prancing, flirting, pissing off Dumby and making me like her just a little bit, KA finally falls into bed exhausted. Trash asks for the update on Cow, and KA tells her they “didn’t really” kiss, but you never know. Personally, I think this is a match made in Real World heaven.
See you next week, when it looks like someone throws something! Ahhh, this season’s really hitting its stride. Til then, mates…