Recap: Real World: I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!

G’day loves, welcome to a new day in the Real World Sydney! Last week Dumby gave us solid confirmation that we have at least one dickhead in the house. This week, Isaac does all he can to prove that there’re two. What went down in the land down under? Hey, get your mind out of the gutter! MTV is a family network. Ahem. And now for our show!

OMG! Have you heard of a place called Darefoor?

The day begins with our resident social butterfly, KellyAnne, crawling into bed with Cowhutta. She scratches his back as he sleeps. First she tells us he’s not her type but she can see how other girls might like him. Then she backpedals into a little, well, maybe I’m into him as more than just a friend, but hopefully it’s a phase and will go away. Hopefully not – this is no show-mance, it’s bonafide, country bumpkin lovin’ and it’s refreshing.

And KA is fooling no one, least of all herself, about her crush on Cow. She caucuses with Trasha (who I have to say, has been a bit of a disappointment in the drama department – step it up, Fresno) and it turns out KA actually has a boy back home! She says his name is Sutton, but with the accent I’m not too sure.

Uh huh. Sweetie, I’m trying to concentrate on looking like trash right now. Go call someone who’ll pretend to care.

Apparently, KA and Sutton went “on a break” before she came to Sydney. That was a smart plan! What loser comes to the Real World house to pine for someone back home the whole time? Oh, that’s right, Dumby. KA babbles on about how even though she and Sutton went on a break, she’s still having some kind of problem hanging with other guys. Trasha pretty much ignores her and applies her cheap supermarket mascara. KA finally concludes her one way convo with the determination they’re on a break and Sutton knows she’s a flirt. Done.

Or maybe not. After deciding that it’s all good, KA then decides to call Sutton to try and figure out what she’s doing. Creating high school drama, cutie, but go ahead, make your silly call. When she gets Sutton on the line, she updates him on her activities for the day, which included: Talking to Sutton, drinking water, scratching someone’s back, and sleeping. Please. If you’re having an problem cause you like someone else, and you feel the need to tell your “on a break” dude about it, then grow a set and JUST TELL HIM! Don’t cushion your cryptic back scratching in with drinking water and sleeping.

Naturally, Sutton is all over the back scratching part. Why would you tell me that, he asks KA. Why would I tell you what, replies KA with faux innocence. KA, you have to be very smart to pull off dumb, so do us all a favor and don’t go there. I don’t know who the hell this Sutton person is, but I know I like him a lot when he tells KA that they decided to go on break for a reason, and it’s too hard for him to hear about her back scratching escapades in Sydney.

KA cries because Sutton doesn’t want to let her have her cake and eat it too. Awwww…considering the feelings of others is such a bummer. Trash and Shauvon come in to give her hugs, and Shauvon really needs to return that crescent purse with the handcuff handles to two years ago when it belongs. Unless it took that long for the trend to hit Sacramento? Regardless, ChickBomb Rule # 1579: Trendy purses are fine, but must be retired within 30 days of said trend hitting the mall. No exceptions, even if you live in an unfashionable city.

Claire’s Boutique is cheap for a reason.

Now KA’s crying because she’s worried that she’ll realize that she wants to be with Sutton, and it will be too late. Well, so far, I’d say Sutton is a keeper, but it looks like KA is struggling with that pesky “perfect on paper” problem. I’m so scared, she sobs, I’m so scared! Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, KA. It’s always the guys that are seemingly perfect in every way that you don’t have any real feelings for. Isn’t being a grown up fun?

Worn out from the KA / Sutton drama that came out of nowhere, the girls do lunch. Shauvon says she doesn’t want to talk about her ex because they’re no longer together, and then proceeds to brag about what a big house they were going to live in, and how big her engagement ring was. When a 21 year old gives another 21 year old a huge diamond, it’s either CZ (hello, Speidi!) or poor quality. First find out what color and clarity are, honey. Then tell me how fab your ring is.

All this marriage talk has made KA realize two things: First, that the topic has shifted away from her, and second, that she’s scared of commitment. I can’t commit to anything, she wails, not even a tattoo! Well, that certainly is a problem. I’d definitely look into some intensive therapy for that one, dear. Fear of tattoo commitment can ruin your life – or at least your chances with Bret Michaels.

Parisa wisely says that the older you get, if there’s anything you know it’s that you don’t know anything at all. True, very true, but Parisa? Although, now that I ponder on it, while Parisa takes herself waaaaay too seriously, I wouldn’t really say she’s a know-it-all. KA runs from the table crying, and then sits at the harbour and cries some more. Poor KA.

By the way, I watch these Real Worlds when they originally air, and what is this “Mall World” shit?

It’s insipid, and it must stop. Kisses & Thanks, CB.

Shauvon tells us that she wants to help her roomies with their boy problems, but it’s hard for her not to think about her ex. She tells Parisa that her ex gave her lots of affection. Parisa commends her on doing a good job of moving on, telling Shauvon that it doesn’t even look real. “It’s real,” chokes Shauvon, as she tears up. Dammit bitch, now you’ve got me. We’ve all been there, and I can’t help but feel for her.

And while I’m giving her props, I will say that she’s a pretty self aware girl. She knows she’s got this amazing experience at her fingertips, and she doesn’t want to be depressed and miss out. Then she says that she’s so on edge about guys, that she thinks were she to have words with a boy in the house, she would totally snap. Foreshadowing, anyone? Cause we’ve already seen the previews.

So, I guess I’m not the only one who notices that Trash has somehow found herself out of the dramatic loop. She makes quick work of moving in on KA’s latest crush, and spends some time flirting with Cow. KA doesn’t like it. She thinks Cow really likes Trash. She complains about it to Parisa and Shauvon, who are surprised to learn that KA has already moved on from Dumby to Cow. Then KA points out that Trash strives for attention even more than KA and KA’s not used to that. Who are these sort of self-actualized twenty-somethings, and what have they done with the Real World cast?

Maybe I suffer from insecurities developed in my childhood that I have tried to repress but instead watered like a complex flower of pain. Oooh! Crackers! Yummy!

And what better way to resolve all this than with a game of Twister! As the Twister floor board is unfurled, Dumby icks up the episode to remind us that he doesn’t care about KA, and the more distance between them, the better. He says this not in his official producer sanctioned interview, but in the confessional. So, he’s so not into KA that he felt the need to hit the confessional on his own steam, and tell us. Methinks the wifebeater doth protest too much.

Then Dumby gives KA a huge hug with his legs literally wrapped around her to prove how unattractive he finds her and how little he cares. But the hug is broken as a shocking Twister accident occurs downstairs! Shauvon is injured. I’m not sure what exactly happened, but the technical diagnosis we get from the roomies is that she was “squashed”.

And then there’s the controversy. Isaac says that Shauvon fell, and she says that he dropped her. I’m just confused, since when did Twister become such a dangerous game? And how far could she have fallen, anyway? Isn’t the whole point to keep one hand or foot on the floor at all times? I know it’s been a while since I’ve been twenty and drunk, but has Hasbro changed the rules? So many questions. But back to the Twister injury.

Shauvon is drunk and not handling the fall well. She’s bleeding, and Isaac neither cares, nor cares to apologize. And just in case anyone’s on the fence with the whole Isaac is an asshole thing, he laughs to Dumby that while he didn’t actually drop Shauvon, don’t get him wrong, he was planning to.

Sorry, but this body cast is going to cover your mouth for the rest of the season.

Trasha, who at this point is so desperate for camera time that she’ll latch onto whatever drama’s currently going down, tells Isaac that he just needs to say sorry to Shauvon, and all will be well in Darling Harbour. Isaac looks at Trash, and asks her if she really thinks he’s going to do that. No worries, Isaac, no one really thinks you’re going to man up and be nice to a bleeding girl. Your douchebag rep is safe and intact.

But he does go back to where Shauvon is crying (for many reasons, the least of all probably being Twister) to rub his cruel arrogance in her face. Just apologize, she drunkenly pleads with him. Yes, she’s drunk and emotional, but come on, Jumpsuit. You’re not a politician – it’s not like if you cop to it they’ll ask for your resignation from the Real World house.

Cow tries to be a sweetheart and apologizes to Shauvon for Isaac, but she won’t have it. Here’s where things get heated. She tells Isaac to “fuck off” and knocks over a plate of what looks like mac & cheese. The best we get out of Isaac is that he’s “sorry that gravity worked in her disfavor.” I was all ready to bust him for “disfavor” not even being a word, but Microsoft says it is, so there goes that put-down.

Shauvon goes over to Isaac and continues to slur her repeated requests for an apology. Trasha is on the floor playing with KA’s hair, when all of the sudden Isaac yells at Shauvon not to “start that shit”, and next thing you know, the drinks are flying. I guess Shauvon threw some water on Isaac, and then he threw something back, but it missed her and seemed to have hit KA and Trasha. Nice aim, Jumpsuit.

What’s the wet dude’s name again?

Can I digress for a minute to tell you about the time a few weeks ago when this happened to me? I was on the JFK AirTrain that hits all the terminals at the airport, and when we got to Terminal Four, some stupid bitch got her Smart Cart stuck on the gap between the monorail and the station stop. It took a good five minutes for her to disengage the thing, and the whole train was annoyed. When she finally got her cart off the train, I informed her, “That’s why those carts aren’t allowed on the train, you know.” I know, ChickBomb’s a self-righteous ass, but the no cart rule really is there for a reason – you know, so it doesn’t get stuck, causing an AirTrain traffic jam and making CB miss her flight. In response, this nutbar actually threw her drink at me from outside the train! But her aim sucked worse than Isaac’s and it hit some guy standing like five feet away from me. It was really awful, but if you’re a Flavor of Love producer, I highly suggest you track that bitch down. She’s low rent ratings gold.

But back to Sydney. There’s a screaming match, and Isaac yells at Shauvon that he’s sorry Shauvon’s a drunk ass slut that fell on her ass. How am I a slut, she wants to know, cause I wouldn’t fuck you? Wait, was that a question, or a fact? I’m confused again, but whatever, point is, we’ve found the heart of the matter – Isaac’s still mad about Shauvon bringing home her fruity Aussie date the night after she and Isaac kissed. Raise your hand if you’re an insecure shithead with a tiny wiener. That means YOU, Jumpsuit.

Shauvon storms off, and we see an enormous puffy bandage taking up half her back. It was Twister for crying out loud, what the hell happened?

Now it’s KA’s turn to try and tame the lame, so she hugs Isaac (where’s the sisterhood, babe?) and teaches him what’s common knowledge to the non-sociopath world – if someone falls down, ask them if they’re OK! Got that, Jumpsuit? Good, next time we’ll cover please and thank you. Civilized society may be scary for you, so we don’t want to move too fast.

And with that bit of advice dispensed, KA’s ready to swing the attention back her way, and she slips Cow’s name into the conversation. The roomies call him Hutty by the way, but I’m sticking with Cow. Isaac’s a bit confused by the change of topic, but whatever, it’s KA’s romper room and he’s just living in it.

Anyway, KA wants to play her fake insecure “Cow doesn’t like me, he likes Trasha better” game, and Isaac jumps right on board. Cow has no interest in Trash, he tells KA, in fact, Cow doesn’t even like Trasha at all. He tells KA if Cow knew she liked him, she’d find out that he felt the same. Then KA takes a piece of paper from her kitten adorned loose-leaf folder and writes Cow a note saying she likes him and asking him to check Yes, No or Maybe if he likes her back.

Isaac goes back to Shauvon, who has dissolved into tears on the couch, and offers an apology for calling her a slut, but it was only because it was disrespectful of her to pour water on him. We have our first “disrespectful” of the season, yay! Parisa’s thrown out an “inconsiderate” or two, but it’s not officially the Real World until someone’s all up in arms over respect. Kind of ironic that it’s Isaac though.

He tells Shauvon he knows he shouldn’t have called her a slut, but when he gets mad at a girl, those are the first words that just come out of his mouth, slut, whore, whatever. Oh, so it was just instinct. Well that makes it totally acceptable. Then he tells her she can apologize for throwing water on him whenever she wants. “I’m sorry!” she sobs. This was a good talk, he replies smugly. Congrats, Isaac. You are now officially a douchebag of epic proportions.

Post-drama, Trasha pragmatically points out that everyone apologized, and now it needs to be done. KA hangs all over Isaac (WTF???) and says she’s going to sit on his knee. Don’t do it, KA. Isaac’s a mean enough fucker to knee you in the privates and make you barren. He’s no sweetie-pie back scratcher, that’s for damn sure.

Hey, Cowhutta. She likes you, can you tell?

Shauvon’s upstairs with Parisa and she’s still crying. Normally in this situation, her boyfriend would have defended her, punched Isaac out, held Shauvon and told her it’s OK. And you dumped him again because why? But I know where she’s coming from. Mean girls are one thing, and if you’re smart and bitchy enough, you can handle them, but mean boys… I don’t know how Shauvon got this far in life without having ever encountered one on her own. I’ve known dudes like this since kindergarten when the meanie down the street made fun of me for accidentally peeing myself on the school bus. Recap writing rules, by the way – it’s saving me thousands on therapy.

KA escapes Isaac’s knee with her ovaries intact, and hits the music room, where she plinks away on the keyboards. I notice for the first time that she’s wearing a t-shirt that says You Were Never My Boyfriend. Ugh, when is this stupid t-shirt message thing going away? I’m officially enhancing ChickBomb Rule # 1579 to include outdated message tees as well. Which makes KA only, oh a good five years behind in her t-shirt retirement schedule.

Cow strums his guitar while KA pretends to play the keyboard. Cow tells us he doesn’t want to get attached, but it’s not clear if he means it as a guy who wants to play the field, or a guy who doesn’t want perky KA to break his heart. KA brings her not so miniature crush out in the open, and fakes her way through another “I don’t think I’m his type” talk with Shauvon. Shauvon feeds her half a sandwich in response, cause food is everybody’s friend.

Shauvon says what everyone else already knows, that KA likes Cow more than she realizes. That night, KA has a dream that Cow was married, and she was upset cause she likes him. But maybe she’ll stop liking him tomorrow she says. Again, I hope not. Seriously, this thing could be huge. Televised wedding, Bumpkin Newlyweds, an US Weekly feud with Trash after the falling out when she wasn’t invited to the wedding…well, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here. But you have to admit, as a couple, Cow and KA have great possibilities.

Shauvon wraps it up with the realization that being drunk is bad because she does and says dumb things and then doesn’t remember them. Well, better than doing and saying dumb things and feeling like an ass about them the day after. She does recall pouring water on Isaac’s head though, and she says she shouldn’t have done that. Of course not, but I’m glad she did cause he soooo deserved it.

They take us out to the tune of some Every Day Is A Winding Road type song, as the boys talk and laugh in their room, and the girls do the same in theirs. What does that prove? That all is well in the Real World as long as we don’t mix sexes? Wow, that sounds really entertaining.

Next week Dumby lets his true colors shine as bright as the grease on his zitty face – so much so that in the preview, even Isaac calls him out for being an ass! And there’s nothing I enjoy more than a good Dumby bashing, so I’m getting warmed up already. Kisses, mates…til next time!