Ah, The Real World. What other show can go from a relatively gripping episode about racism to a dull thirty minutes focusing on one oaf’s desire to get laid? In tried and true fashion, all those pesky “real world” issues suddenly evaporated, and it was horniness as usual in the Denver house. This week, Tyrie stepped up to be the resident player caught between two women, and the results were… not so fascinating. Still, we had plenty of unintentional humor along the way as well as what looked to be the lamest ski trip ever to be documented on television. Just another week in Denver! (COLORADO!!!!)This week’s show started off with Tyrie and Davis cooking in the kitchen, all lingering racial tensions put aside for the sake of preparing edible eggs (that didn’t look so edible, by the way). Tyrie announced that he wanted some ass, which caused Davis to suggest that maybe he should bring some ladies to the house. Huh. What a revelatory idea!
That night at the club, Tyrie suddenly found himself in a sea of breasty women, and no one was more excited than… Stephen? “There are a million girls out here in Denver!” he told us, adding, “And absolutely none of them will be sleeping with me!” Okay, he didn’t say that. He instead just continued bopping around like an oversized pea with a torso, and meanwhile, Tyrie moved in on a pretty girl named Ashley, or as I like to call her, JANELLE FROM KEY WEST. We had some major doppleganger issues going on here. Anyway, Tyrie got her digits, and it seemed like he was well on his way to bootyville.
The next night, Tyrie went out again, and this time around, he met a girl named Jazalle (pronounced like Giselle, spelled like INCORRECT). With her body pressed up against his, she told him, “You wait for tomorrow… Reggae on the Roof! You’re gonna fall back and be like ‘What?’ I swear. Go. It’s crazy!” This caused Tyrie to then tell us, “This girl is smart, and she’s sexy!” Yes, all signs point to utter brilliance… Wait until she tells him about Old Country Buffet in downtown. Tyrie will think she’s an astrophysicist!
In B-Story news, Davis announced that he would be planning a ski trip, which was kind of odd since this show was taped in the summer, but I guess in COLORADO!!! it’s not unfathomable to ski year-round. Sadly, the early planning stages hit a snag as Davis discovered that probably no one wanted to go. Brooke, making her first of two five-second appearances this episode, sweetly denied her roommate, saying, “I’m much more of a sun person than snow.” Technically, they’re not mutually exclusive, but…. whatever. Not worth explaining her lack of logic. She should have just said, “I’m much more of a walking-around person than broken legs.”
Later on, Tyrie called up Jazalle to see what she was gonna be up to on Thursday. Duh, Tyrie. REGGAE ON THE ROOF!!! Jazalle LOVES Reggae on the Roof! I personally like Calypso on the Veranda, but that’s just me.
Tyrie then called up Ashley to see what she might be doing Thursday night, and uh oh! She was gonna be at Reggae on the Roof too! Crisis!!! By the way, we also learned that Ashley is a flight attendant. If anyone sees her on a plane, it’s your duty to share your story with us.
Anyway, faced with the dilemma of both girls being at Reggae On The Roof (not to be confused with Filene’s At The Basement), Tyrie suddenly realized he had overworked himself. “I got more games than Parker Brothers, and I got more variations of my game than Monopoly,” he told himself, thus fulfilling his weekly quota of one random pop culture reference. Additionally, “I got more variations of my game than Monopoly” wins the award for Most Awkwardly Constructed Analogy of the Week. Maybe next week he can somehow incorporate a reference to the Mandelbrot set.
Nevertheless, Tyrie was now saddled with a major dilemma: what to do about the inevitable Ashl-azalle meeting? Resident genius Alex said that he should invite both girls to the club and see which one he’s vibing with more. He then added, “Also, be sure to tell one of them that you’re gonna make out with her, but then while she’s waiting for you, cook a frozen pizza and have sex with the other.”
Well, at the club, we found Jenn and Colie and some others acting like total idiots. Also lingering around were Ashley and Jazalle. Dunh dunh DUNH!
Tyrie seemed to be hanging out more with the latter (on account of her brains and whatnot) while Stephen occupied Ashley’s time. “I’m a good wing man. I’ve been a wingman for several years,” he told us proudly. Yes, Stephen was such a good wingman that he told Ashley, “Tyrie likes you.” Well done! Hey, Mr. Wingman, in case you didn’t realize, TYRIE WAS PRACTICALLY MAKING OUT WITH JAZALLE.
Okay, so maybe Stephen wasn’t the greatest wingman. That didn’t mean he was terrible, right? Uh… actually, he was ghastly. Without consulting with Tyrie, he invited Ashley back to the house, which was unfortunate since Tyrie had already selected Jazalle to be his lucky lady. When the big man discovered what shenanigans Stephen had gotten up to, he went mildly Leeroy Jenkins and told Stephen to not allow Ashley to come back to the house. Basically, it was like watching a black version of Jack Tripper and Larry.
Well, Stephen went back to Ashley and told her she couldn’t come to the house. “Why can’t we come over and hang out?” she asked underestandably.
“I don’t know,” Stephen replied. Well done, WINGMAN.
After the break, Stephen realized that “Dunno” might not have been the most effective subterfuge tactic, and so he spouted out all sorts of ridiculous lies, saying that there was a limit to how many guests each person could bring back, and it had been exceeded and whatnot. It almost seemed like Stephen had saved the day, but then he added that Tyrie “Don’t got nobody coming back to the house!” That was the equivalent of saying, “There are too many people coming back to the house, but don’t worry, it’s not like Tyrie has a lady friend with him who he plans to have sex with instead of you because he likes her better.”
Well, Ashley seemed confused; so Stephen asked her to walk with him since he needed company. I thought he was going to take her to a diner or something, but no, he brought her back to the house. Worst wingman EVER. Tyrie immediately came bounding outside and told Ashley that he really liked her and blah blah blah he just couldn’t have anyone else in the house. Ashley actually fell for it and left, which meant Tyrie could get back to his main mission: conquering Jazalle.
In order to get into her pants, Tyrie busted out his “Dark Kent” persona (which was his smoother, sexier side that probably listens to the Quiet Storm and Teddy Pendergrass). He began telling Jazalle so much bullshit, but she seemed to believe it. “I’m not feeling you because you’re a beauty because you got that,” he informed her. No, the real reason he liked her was because of them brains. He said, “when you told me about your major in science…” A major in science! Wow, that’s almost as impressive as a major in reading! Nevertheless, Jazalle responded, “That’s sexy. When somebody has knowledge like that.” Yeah, nothing as arousing as a general knowledge of science!
Well, this led to some brief smooching, and afterwards, when Jazalle had already left, Tyrie reported back to the house’s reigning sluts/bridesmaids, Jenn and Colie. They didn’t really say anything of note, which isn’t really a shock, and so we just moved forward to the next morning as Davis woke up, ready to hit the slopes. Unfortunately for him, he could barely find anyone to join him. Maybe that’s because it was, you know, SUMMER.
Luckily, he found game skiers in Alex and Stephen, and as the threesome drove off to slopes, Alex said, “Even if we can’t find this place, I’m going to drive up to the nearest mountain and just roll around. Just roll around in some snow.” I’m sure that will be highly satisfying too. Luckily, there was no need for snow angels. The guys found their ski mountain, and as they pulled up, Alex asked, “Should I park somewhere?” No. Don’t park. Just hurl your bodies from the car and let it roll off the road.
Well, the guys got their skis and boots and whatnot, and we learned very quickly that Stephen was about as good of a skier as he was a wingman. Yes, that meant he was miserable. He couldn’t even get on the ski lift. Of course, neither can I, and I’d like to add that I too am a terrible wingman. So I guess Stephen and I have a lot in common. (Many a trauma were had on the Killington Bunny Hill in my youth…)
As you can tell, I’m not much of a skier, but I even I could tell you that this barely snowy slope looked terrible. It kind of reminded me or that sad feeling you get when all the snow is melting away, and all that’s left is some slick grass to ride the sled down. It’s just not as fun.
Later, Alex had sex with the ski slope.
Anyhoo, Stephen told us that the trip was fun because it brought he and Alex closer to Davis, and then it was back to Tyrie’s exciting courtship of Jazalle. (Don’t worry about Ashley — she was long gone, never to be heard from again). Anyway, Ty and Jaz went out on a date (Polka On The Lanai, perhaps?) where they exchanged precious kisses and flirtatious glances. Yes, Tyrie was well on his way to getting his rocks off… until Jazalle announced later on in bed that she wouldn’t be having sex for four months. WHAAA??? A random girl who doesn’t want to have sex on The Real World? What is she? Some sort of Science Major or something?
Well, this was a big problem for Tyrie. He wasn’t going to shut down his sexual organs! But then at the same time, did he really want to throw Jazalle to the curb. After all, as Alex mentioned, “Tyrie’s getting closer and closer to Jazalle.” Keep in mind this was all after one date.
After the commercial break, we learned that the gang would be heading out to a “Sin Party” which would be held in honor of the date, 6/6/06 (and presumably the accompanying Julia Stiles masterpiece, The Omen). Of course, Stephen stayed at home, not wanting to revel in anything named “sin,” especially not on this day of the rapture. The rest of the gang, however, seemed to grasp that a “sin party” was merely just a theme, not a mandate to murder, destroy, and defile their fellow neighbors. Jenn, Colie, Brooke, and Davis all dressed up in their slutty best, with the girls donning lingerie and Davis sporting some eyeliner for the first time in their lives. It was all trampy and fun, but oops! They kind of forgot that COLORADO!!!! is a mildly (read: very) conservative state. This party was sinful in name only. No one was dressed up in any way, which made the Real World kids stick out amusingly like a sore thumb. Awwwkward. It was like that dream where you’re in your underwear in class — only made real!
“Hey guys. I’m ready for the Kubrick sex party.”
Well, some random douchebag saw Davis with his eyeliner and asked, “Are you a fag?” It was obnoxious thing to say, especially since the guy who said it most likely masturbated to the memory of Davis afterwards. Nevertheless, Tyrie pulled the offender over and not only defended Davis but told the jerk to shut the hell up. “He’s wearing eyeliner, dude!” the kid said, clearly not realizing that Tyrie was, you know, three times his size. What is it with the air in Denver that all these little white kids think they can take down Tyrie?
Luckily, no fight broke out, and everything seemed to end peacefully. Davis told us how surprised and happy he was that Tyrie had his back, and for his part, Tyrie told us that he and Davis were “trying to push that little incident that we had behind us.” Yes, that tiny altercation. It was nothing really. Just a few threats, the n-word, screaming, crying, casual mentions of LFO. No big whoop.
Anyway, the kids all decided to leave this no-so-sinful party and head over to their favorite spot, Monarck. On their way out, however, they ran into Jazalle. You see, she was supposed to meet Tyrie at the bar, and now that he was leaving, she wanted to stay for a few minutes, causing him to get mad and blah blah blah. Tyrie told her he didn’t want to stay there because there were people who wanted to hurt him (which didn’t seem necessarily like the case, but hey, you never know). It honestly seemed to me like he was getting mad at her just so he could then break their relationship off without feeling like a jerk for dumping her ass on account of the four month sex ban.
Two hours later, Tyrie and Jazalle returned to the house where they had “a talk” about their tiff, and again, he seemed to get mad her for random, nonsensical reasons. She told him that she didn’t want him to treat her like a baby or call her “My baby” or something like that, and he started saying, “Don’t do that” and then next thing we knew, they were breaking up.
Or did they? The two went into the confessional and joked about their fight, and next thing we knew, they were making out right there against the wall. The fun times soon moved into the bedroom, and as the show ended, Tyrie revealed, “Jazalle is the first woman that’s actually gotten my heart in the past two years.” And for good reason! She’s majoring in science! You know, in a general sort of way!
What did you think about this episode?