Recap: The Real World: Take A Hike!

Real World

By B-Side | Wednesday, January 3, 2007 | 5:15 pm | 34 Comments

Ahhhh. The Real World: Denver. MTV was so kind to air a special sneak peek of tonight’s show this afternoon; so I figured I’d endeavor to post the recap this afternoon since technically, the show’s already aired on national TV. And what a show it was. Granted, it didn’t have the provocative flair of Jenn and Tyree’s incendiary Tyson Beckford brouhaha, and granted, it lacked the heart-pounding suspense of Brooke’s horrifying nail salon odyssey, and granted, Colie was unable to find a single new person to call and share news of her sore throat, but there was still some Grade A stupidity, thanks mostly to Jenn (and to a certain degree, Alex). And honestly, that’s all we need when we watch this show, right?This week’s show began on a gloriously self-deluded note, courtesy of feminism’s new poster child, Jenn. “I’m not attracted to Alex,” she informed us. “I wouldn’t sleep with Alex sober!” This was great to know, but of course, considering that she’s yet to actually appear sober on this show, it was blithely useless information. Still, I appreciated the comment, if only because it surely was foreshadowing some sort of shame spiral involving Alex later on.

Meanwhile, over in the Denver sick bay, Colie was still infesting the living room with her mono germs. Dr. Alex revealed to hoer that he too had suffered from the kissing disease and said that if Colie rested for about a week or two, she should be fine to do whatever (sleep around, make dumb comments, etc.). In the meantime, Colie would have to rely on the comfort of (seven) strangers to take care of her day-to-day upkeep. “I need somebody to bathe me. Can you give me a sponge bath?” she asked Alex in a lazy, Fran Drescher Lite voice. It was probably the most savory moment of this very young new year.

Later on, the roomies received a letter via messenger that gave vague details about their new job. All they knew was that they’d have to put on some long pants and drive to a rural amphitheater where their next challenge would await (quite Road Rules-ish, yes?). Of course, in order to reach this mysterious destination, they’d need cars, but fear not! The roommates were now the proud owners of two brand new JEEP COMPASSES!!! (Cue the Price Is Right music now). And even better, they were parked outside! Well, as you can imagine, the kids poured out of the house like a bunch of roaches set free from a shoe box. Even Colie managed to summon the energy to rise up from her Sick Couch and inspect the new vehicles (guess this means she doesn’t mean that sponge bath anymore).

Well, the guys took one car, and the girls took another, but oops! The girls’ Compass was stick shift, something that not even a ROCKSTAR like Jenn had experience with. As the ladies sputtered and stalled through the cruel streets of downtown Denver, Brooke revealed, “My hands are sweating puddles right now.” If she was this nervous with Jenn driving, just imagine her frazzled state if she were to get lost! IN THE GHETTO (and by ghetto, I mean a few blocks away from the house)!!!!

By the way, random aside, but Colie officially wins the award for most annoying Passenger Seat Sitter, what with her knees all curled up against her chest. Just STOP.

That night, the gang went out to Monarck (SHOCK) where we met a skinny, tattooed bouncer named John. And of course, it wouldn’t be The Real World without a female cast member falling for a bar employee. This time around, it was Jenn, who was completely entranced by John’s warm and complex personality. Okay, she wasn’t so much entranced as she was drunk and in the presence of a penis. “You’re very cute, and I find you very attractive,” she slurred. To be fair, if you get enough drinks in her, she’d say the same thing to a houseplant.

Nevertheless, one look at John’s tattoo sleeve and we knew Jenn would be head over heels for this guy (lest we forget her ear-popping defense of Tyson Beckford and his tats). Sure enough, Jenn practically attached her face onto John’s like a horny lamprey, and soon the two were out on the street where I imagined John must have been having a difficult job fulfilling his bouncer duties. Just before these drunken hormones could go to the next level, however, there was a moment of hesitation as we learned that Jenn actually had someone back home that she truly had recognized that “I sincerely care for.” Yes, she deeply, thoroughly cared for this guy (named Jared), and this was best evidenced by her current smooching of John, and of course, her vaginal offerings to Alex on the second night in Denver. But more on that later…

Ultimately, Jenn justified her not-so-faithful behavior by explaining, “I’m twenty-two years old, and I have a natural human nature of wanting to feel touched and fulfilled.” Nicely rationalized! Although, last time I checked, I’m pretty sure it’s not human nature to be a total, unabashed slut. We then learned from Davis that Jenn’s never been faithful to any of her boyfriends (shock!), which means we probably have her absentee father to thank for that.

Back at the house, Princess Brooke was struggling because she just wanted a good night’s sleep and didn’t want to hear “Jenn and John boning next to me.” Clearly Brooke was blowing this out of proportion. As we later found out, there was no boning involved. It was strictly cunnilingus. I really wish she’d get her facts straight before hurling such hateful and erroneous accusations.

Nevertheless, Brooke continued her Southern Belle tizzy, saying that everyone was getting ass except her, and she could be getting ass too if she wanted it but… well, she trailed off then, realizing that if she said “But I don’t want to look like a slut” she’d be offending all of her roommates to their faces with one fell swoop. Of course, we know the real reason why Brooke hasn’t gotten any: she’s still clearly recovering from the post traumatic stress of getting lost en route to a nail salon. WILL THE NIGHT TERRORS EVER RELENT??

Later on, after John had finished his dining experiences, drunk Jenn playfully clued “The Frat” in on the details of her dalliance. It was all fun and games until Stephen joked, “It’s all about the guy with the tattoo sleeve.” For whatever reason, this sent Jenn off into her usual belligerence as she yelled, “SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!” When will these guys ever learn? There’s to be no mocking of tattoos in her presence!

Jenn then went on to bash Stephen about his lack of booty, maliciously sneering, “You brought condoms for no reason.” I would have loved him to reply with “You brought self-respect for no reason,” but I guess that would have probably gone over her head. Nevertheless, Alex then cracked a joke about how Jenn was referring to her hookup with John as “a date,” causing Jenn to snap back, “You should go suck your own cock for that!”

Alex then replied, “Maybe you should fuck me again.”

Oh SNAAAAP!!!!

It was rude, evil, mean, obnoxious, awful, misogynist, flat-out wrong to say, and yet absolutely perfect. Normally, I wouldn’t ever encourage anyone to say that to a woman, but seeing how Jenn seems to be the mistress of self-delusion and passing the buck, it was highly entertaining seeing this sordid chapter of her life pushed back in her face. She immediately went off on him, calling him an ignorant asshole (not sure what he was being ignorant about — maybe her promiscuous shame?), but then Jenn did what she does best: release herself from all personal responsibility:

“I can tell you right now. The bottle spoke for me. It made my decisions, and I honestly wouldn’t have made the same decisions sober.” Well, there you have it! Jenn’s not a slut — she was only held captive under the mighty spell of The Bottle and its Mysterious Elixir! And if you have any comments about this, please direct them here:

Jenn

c/o The Bottle

6738 Idiot Drive

Walnut Creek, CA 94597

(The Bottle speaks for her. It makes her decisions)

Jenn then continued her rampage, saying that she didn’t want to have sex with Alex ever again and that she didn’t find him attractive in the least. Furthermore, if he were to make a joke about it one more time, “I’ll belittle you a little bit more.” Heavens no! She’ll belittle him A LITTLE MORE!!!

Feel the harsh glare of increased belittlement!

For his part, Alex was also refusing to take any responsibility, trivializing the whole fight down to “I say this one little thing and then BOOM!” Yeah, um, it wasn’t just “one little thing.” You pretty much called the girl a whore. And as we all know, she’s actually just a ROCKSTAR!!!!!!

The next morning, Jenn was still livid. “That’s the rudest thing to ever do,” she announced, adding “How could someone throw my lack of personal responsibility back in my face? That’s so unfair! Pass me the Merlot.”

Alex meanwhile felt pretty awful and wanted to apologize, but not too soon. He’d have a heart-to-heart with Jenn after work, which is where everyone was headed off to that morning. Well, not everyone. Colie had to stay back and wallow in her mono hell. The rest of the gang, however, drove three hours away to a rural amphitheater where they then had to hike through the woods to a pile of hard hats. Along the way, Tyree made his random pop cultural reference of the week, declaring, “I don’t like grizzly bears. I don’t like polar bears. I don’t like Paddington Bear.” To be fair, thirteen people were mauled to death by Paddington Bear last year.

Once everyone had their hard hats on, a rope fell from on high, as well as a general anxiety. Would the roommates have to climb up the cliff? (They better get used to it now because if they want any sort of after-life in the Challenges, they’re gonna have to get real used to the safety harness).

Luckily for them, they did not have to do any rock climbing. Instead, a crunchy outdoorsy type named Chris rappelled down to them and gave them a whole spiel about Outward Bound and whatnot. Basically, the big mission of the challenge was to design and deliver two Outward Bound courses for teens that have been displaced by Hurricane Katrina. Awww. How topical and activisty. I hate this job already. I really didn’t think it could get worse than Philly’s Arena Football job that had nothing to do with Arena Football and was instead about building a dumb playground for kids. Here’s the truth of the matter: the whole “job” conceit is only entertaining when it gives the cast members a chance to a) humiliate themselves and/or b) fight ceaselessly. I believe New Orleans is still the champ for that. Whenever they have to do dumb thing for charity, it always feels like a flaccid attempt at infusing an unabashedly vapid show with a social conscience. Why bother? Just give them something contentious and self-serving to do. There are plenty of options. Have the producers even seen The Apprentice?

Anyway, as part of their job, the gang would also be going on a five-day long camping trip, which of course would necessitate camping gear, which of course would necessitate the blatant shilling of The Sports Authority as the ultimate destination for such purchases. Chris then announced that the kids would be paid for their effort as long as they didn’t violate the three non-negotiable rules:

1) Keep Jenn out of bright light, especially sun.

2) Keep Jenn away from water.

3) Do not under any circumstance feed Jenn after midnight.

Oh wait, no. That’s not right. Here were the rules:

1) No drugs and alcohol (sorry Jenn).

2) No sex (sorry Jenn).

3) No behavior that would jeopardize someone else’s emotional or physical safety.

These rules seemed stringent, but to Brooke, it was just the tip of the iceberg. She learned that she couldn’t bring a mirror camping and even worse, there’d be no showering! It was like she was wandering through the ghetto ALL OVER AGAIN!

Luckily, Jenn saw the bright side of this job. To her, this was a chance for the house to “purify.” She elaborated, “We live in a house, and we’ve been nothing but nonpolite to each other. We drink all the time, people kissing and whatever. All that stuff.” How democratic of her to use the Royal “We.” Okay, okay — Jenn’s certainly not the only one drinking and making out and whatnot. But she’s probably the biggest idiot about it. Not to be “nonpolite” or anything…

We then returned to Denver where Brook and Jenn met up with John (he of the fast-moving lips). It appeared as though in the harsh light of day and sobriety, he wasn’t as much of a catch anymore. That’s right, Jenn had bumped him off the top of her man-heap, restoring Jared — the soon-to-be receptacle of Denver’s finest diseases — to Most Desirable Companion status.

As the show ended, Alex tried to apologize to Jenn, but she simply would not hear it. She had been offended and that was that. Never mind all that bullcrap she’d spewed earlier this season when she boasted about having a thick skin and being able to take jokes…

What did you think about this episode? Should Alex have said what he said to Jenn? What did you think about that comment?

Comments (34)
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34 Comments

1

nursecoco

Posted January 3, 2007 at 5:59 pm

Awsome! *Jenn’s not a whore, she’s a ROCKSTAR!* I want to know-Who are the guys out there that find Jenn attractive? They must be out there because PLENTY of girls out there have that Jenn “look” and some guys go for that type.
2

Emilita33

Posted January 3, 2007 at 6:03 pm

I’m waiting to read this until after I watch tonight, but this early recaps totally makes up for the lack of good postings this past few days. Thanks B-Side, you never disappoint!
3

tvisreality

Posted January 3, 2007 at 6:10 pm

OK, B-Side, I admit I confuse easily, but aren’t we missing something? Did you ever post a recap last week? Weren’t you just dying to comment on Brooke’s first exhibition of anything resembling a dark side? I think her nail salon meltdown was truly fascinating–she clearly has germ issues!
4

joslyn

Posted January 3, 2007 at 6:20 pm

I was gonna say the same thing, cause I missed Brooke’s quest into the ghetto, and I was hoping this recap was going to cover it. Oh well, it’s good to read a new recap regardless.
5

Ms. Fred

Posted January 3, 2007 at 6:33 pm

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE RECAPPED ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN REAL WORLD HISTORY!!! IS THIS A CRUEL JOKE???!!!!

“$700?! You don’t pay that…”
6

joslyn

Posted January 3, 2007 at 6:36 pm

Jenn
c/o The Bottle
6738 Idiot Drive
Walnut Creek, CA 94597

That is my favorite.

Great recap, thanks B!
7

COLO'RAD'O

Posted January 3, 2007 at 6:46 pm

I like their job, at least they’re doing something helpful, not like that stupid tanning salon last season!

*R.I.P Darrent Williams prayers to a fallen Bronco*
8

MTV4ME

Posted January 3, 2007 at 7:08 pm

Amen! Brooke crying about paying rent in Cali and having her mom correct her about who pays what on national TV!! Priceless.
9

B-Side

Posted January 3, 2007 at 8:17 pm

Last week’s episode was by far the best of the season, but I was on vacation, and while I wanted to jump onto the laptop, I needed some much needed R&R, lest I snap and strangle an innocent bystander.
10

cannonball

Posted January 3, 2007 at 8:27 pm

I called my best friend in Cali and told her that she had to watch tonight’s episode just for Tyre’s “Padington Bear” reference.

Alex shouldn’t have said what he did. That being said had Jen left it at a simple “fuck you” he probably would have apologized, but her “it’s not my fault, I get drunk” excuse tirade made me totally side with Alex.
11

shiaobundan

Posted January 3, 2007 at 8:36 pm

Jenn is so stupid its sad. I know so many dumb sluts like that girl, always blaming everything on alcohol. What a load of bull.

This ep. made Alex go up a few points in my book. Jenn deserved it, he shouldn’t apologize. He would to keep peace in the house, but he doesn’t need to.

By the way.. Will you guys be covering Road Rules 360??? Pleeease say yes, I hear Veronica, Kendal and some older season people will be on it!!!
12

Niecy

Posted January 3, 2007 at 9:04 pm

okay, im just gonna say it…alex is my new hero. he uttered the best line in real world….no, REALITY TV history!!! that shit is hilarious! the one episode i dont watch and he says some genius shit like that. i give him a standing ovation. bravo alex, bravo.

p.s.
shiaobundan, what is this road rules 360 u speak of?
13

shiaobundan

Posted January 3, 2007 at 9:42 pm

Niecy-
MTV is bringing Road Rules back. This season will be in “real time” with fan interaction. I’m excited because they are starting off with old castmembers(rumor says Danny and Derrick from X-Treme, Abe and Cara from South Pacific, Kendal from Campus Crawl and Veronica is supposedly confirmed).

I always liked RR more than RW (eversince RW took a turn for major drunken sluttiness with Vegas)
14

Steve

Posted January 3, 2007 at 10:07 pm

Not to sound ungrateful, but B-side, you do know that there was another new episode on tonight after this one? I was expecting it in this recap, but maybe just a mention of it. Just giving you the heads up, don’t want you to miss the episode that makes Brooke more hatable than Colie for a short while.
15

Dani B.

Posted January 3, 2007 at 10:09 pm

Hoe the hell did they let Jenn drive? Are they crazy (other then brooke)? Remember kids: Driving drunk is bad. If you are in a constant state of inebriation like Jenn never drive!
16

SaveFerris

Posted January 4, 2007 at 6:50 am

I was hoping for a screenshot of Brooke’s ass as she left her bedroom complaining about John and Jenn. Who walks around a house wearing just a thong? real classy
17

Miss Information

Posted January 4, 2007 at 7:18 am

I was waiting for the recap of the Colie sore throat tragedy. Best moment: Tie, the woman who drove her to the hospital on her cell phone saying
‘We’re at the emergency room, she has a SORE THROAT’ (and incidentally, doesn’t every hospital have huge signs saying not to use cell phones?), and then there was Colie’s IV. I laughed so loud I scared the pets. And Brooke was fun too. Best episode of past 3 seasons.
18

Miss Information

Posted January 4, 2007 at 7:23 am

As for Brooke’s ass, I think B-side was trying to spare us. It was just a quick flash but it wasn’t pretty.
19

YankeesFan

Posted January 4, 2007 at 7:31 am

I have never seen someone look so different without makeup on as Jen does. She must put a pound of it on! I think Brooke is hilarious! She is definitely crazy – but so entertaining to watch!
20

Robin

Posted January 4, 2007 at 8:36 am

I am sitting here at work in cube hell laughing at this recap. Thank you!

Awesome Gremlins reference. And the part about drunk Jenn hitting on a house plant.
21

McCreamy

Posted January 4, 2007 at 9:58 am

Jenn is in such DENIAL. Alex only spoke the truth in response to her running off at the mouth. She needs to get over it and accept that she’s a drunk slut who makes excuses for being a drunk slut.
22

Chee-Z-TeeVee Addict

Posted January 4, 2007 at 10:01 am

This is the oldest cast age-wise, but the most immature by far!

Colie can’t get herself to a doctor, goes hysterical getting an IV, and cries the whole time. Let’s just say, even though she wishes she had been in NOLA for Katrina (to help, yeah right), her presence there could have only equaled the human disaster that was Michael Brown. Who she probably would have ended up making out with.

What a fuckin’ baby.

Brooke is hysterical. She is a walking Tennessee Williams play. The only thing that could have made that whole breakdown better was if she had called her father, and referred to him as “Big Daddy”.

Seriously, what kind of girl brings home a bar-skeeve she barely knows, brings him to bed, lets him go to funky-town – AND THEN brags to her male roommates about it?! WHAT A WHORE.

And if whoring around isn’t such a big deal, then why is acknowledging that you do it?

She is so fucking gross.
23

dsher

Posted January 4, 2007 at 10:14 am

Jenn is the biggest skank on tv! I loved it when Alex put her in her place. It was so funny. Thank you Alex!

Thanks B-side for a very funny re cap! I loved The Bottle comments!
24

alligatorwings

Posted January 4, 2007 at 12:59 pm

OK–the illness/ghetto episode had to be one of the funniest episodes EVER–right after I said I wasn’t going to watch!
Certain classic quotes were hilarious!

First–Colie is a freak–she has one of the HUGEST mouths I have ever seen. When she was writhing around on the bed and screaming she looked like an alligator crossed with a pez dispenser!

The quotes that made me laugh were:

I WANT MY MOOOOMMY!

I can’t deal with all this crap. I just want to get my nails done.

I’m in HEEEEELL!!!!!!!!

And what does Brooke expect if she goes for a walk in the “ghetto” sporting booty shorts and fuck me pumps???? Sorry, but girls dressed like that in certain neighborhoods are WORKING, not looking for a nail salon. If you dress like a hood rat/ho, don’t be surprised if strangers treat you like one!
25

gretcheepoo

Posted January 4, 2007 at 1:53 pm

THANK YOU alligatorwings! I was thinking the same thing about the outfit she was sporting. That and do they not have taxis in Denver?

Of course if I had to live with Colie I would probably flee from the house without one of my roommates… directions… transportation… money… possibly even clothing. Jiminy-Christmas that girl is annoying.
26

tvismylife

Posted January 4, 2007 at 2:23 pm

Ten bucks says Brooke keeps chicken carcasses under her bed and her parents pay for her to have an apartment with an eat in chicken.
27

Rock Star

Posted January 4, 2007 at 3:58 pm

Chee z TV Addict:

I’m not promiscuous by nature, don’t think there is anything wrong with a girl hooking up with a guy she met at the bar that night if that’s what she wants to do. However, Jen is a slut because she gets trashed on a nightly basis so that she doesn’t have to take any responsibility for her actions. She sucks. So does Alex. And Brooke, who I liked until this point…
Also I laughed hystericall at Tyrie’s Random Pop Culture Reference of the Episode! I love you, b-side!
28

anniedawg25

Posted January 4, 2007 at 4:38 pm

this ep made me want to take a shower immediatley afterwards. I felt so gross.

-Jenn descrbing in detail what went on with the bouncer. Then seeing him the street knowing where his mouth had been EWWWW

-Alex describing his mono experience

-mentally picturing Jenn actually fucking Alex. And Alex sucking his own cock

EWWWWW!!!
29

Chee-Z-TeeVee Addict

Posted January 4, 2007 at 4:44 pm

AWESOME “Girl, Interrupted” reference tvismylife! LOL!

I think Jenn is a whore because she acts like a whore. She screwed over (in her words) her “best friend” in the house in under 48 hours, to have sex with a guy she claims she isn’t even attracted to.

I’m no prude, and I have no problem with the idea of casual sex; however any girl who regales a group of drunk men (who call themselves the FRAT, no less) with details about her one-night stand passing the orals is a whore. A gross whore. I’d be seriously scared if I found out any one I’d slept with had been with Jenn first.

Just my opinion – LOL! Had she been talking to E. Colie and Brooke, I might have felt differently about it.

I agree though, her biggest problem is that she’s an irresponsible, obnoxious drunk.
30

anniedawg25

Posted January 4, 2007 at 5:34 pm

—–I’m no prude, and I have no problem with the idea of casual sex; however any girl who regales a group of drunk men (who call themselves the FRAT, no less) with details about her one-night stand passing the orals is a whore. A gross whore. I’d be seriously scared if I found out any one I’d slept with had been with Jenn first. —–

Chee-Z good point. Especially if you so happened to screw one of those guys 48 hours after you met them. On TV. After he hooked up with your friend first.
31

imwittypleasebemyfriend

Posted January 4, 2007 at 6:31 pm

Besides seeing Brook’s gross ass in the thong you could also see her nipples when she was whining at the sink around that same time. Nobody else caught this, jeez.
32

antebellum

Posted January 4, 2007 at 6:34 pm

Wow. And to think I was REALLY trying to not immediately assume Jenn was an idiotic slut when I first saw her on the casting special. Alex’s remark – wrong, but soooo awesome. I can’t wait to see it (haven’t seen the episodes yet). And Jenn just goes on to blame it on the alcohol? That is the epitome of pathetic, if you ask me.

I can’t even fathom how MTV manages to find these complete morons who lack basic life skills. Jenn is, what, 24 or something? She acts like she’s 14, and that’s really sad.

And what’s worse, in the last episode with Brooke’s melodrama, Jenn reminded me SO much of my cousin in her white tank top, skirt, glasses, put-up hair and semi-compassion… and I love my cousin. Thank God I won’t always see her when I look at Jenn.
33

McCreamy

Posted January 6, 2007 at 10:51 am

antebellum- yes Jenn actually says she had sex with him UNWILLINGLY and that the bottle spoke for her and made her decisions. SAD sad sad
34

Rock Star

Posted January 7, 2007 at 6:57 pm

CheeZ TV Addict, on second thought, I used to think you were funny, but now I think you’re an idiot. How the hell is it any different if she tells her male roommates about her hookups than her female roommates? They all live together, do they not? My guy and girl friends talk equally to each other hooking up, so it sounds like you have some sort of stupid double standard that makes no sense to me whatsoever.

Recap: The Real World: Take A Hike!

Feel the harsh glare of increased belittlement!

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