So of course last week while I was away on vacation, MTV aired the best Real World episode of the season, and of course my hotel didn’t have MTV, and of course, by the time I was back in town to recap this treasure chest of silliness, MTV then decided to stick two more episodes down my throat. I decided to simply attack last night’s episodes back-to-back first, and while it was tempting to just let last week’s installment simply disappear into the ether, I just knew we couldn’t leave off on boring Outward Bound drama. Plus, I ran into Brooke this morning, randomly enough, and if that wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what is. So here’s the recap of last week’s laugh-out-loud ridiculousness, albeit slightly out of order but just as intensely exciting!This adventure began with Brooke walking hand-in-hand with her exotically gay roommate, Davis. “I think you’re the most like me,” she said, “which is bizarre because you’re like completely opposite in that you’re male and not straight.” Um, so basically he’s the least like you. Davis cleared things up, however, by observing, “We’re both from the South, and we both like boys.” Oh! Well, in that case, yes. You two are like identical twins. I often say that I was separated at birth from Condoleeza Rice — you know, what with our shared enjoyment of breathing and speaking English.
Anyway, Brooke went on to announce that she had depression and anxiety, something Davis was unaware of. “You didn’t know that?” Brooke squealed with shock. Funny, you’d think everyone would know considering how much of an impact Brooke has had on the season!
Well, walking with Brooke and Davis were Jenn and Colie. Yes, it was girls night out at — where else? — Monarck! It seemed to be a lovely night, and just as the guys had predicted, Jenn was screaming “Rockstar!!!” nonstop. But then something terrible happened. Dearest Colie began to feel sick! Just like that, a delightful night out at Monarck was cut short. Will they ever get to party there again???
The next morning, Colie arose to increased malaise. She had a sore throat, a head ache, and of course, nausea. As we all know, you can’t say “Nausea” on The Real World without some enchanting sound effects, and true to form, we soon cut to Colie in the toilet, heaving her Monarck feast into the unsuspecting bowl below.
Well, what better way to celebrate this sickly occasion than by calling everyone in the phonebook? That’s right, Colie first rang up her mother and promptly bawled that “I have a fever and my throat hurts and I threw up!” Yes, it’s called “being sick.” DEAL WITH IT. She then sobbed, “My lower back and my throat hurt so BAAAAAAD!!!” Tylenol, bitch!
Next up, Colie called her friend Lindsy (no “e” for her) and let her know that she was facing death straight in the face. Turns out this wasn’t just a call to generate sympathy. Lindsy’s fam actually lived in Denver, and it was now incumbent that they proceed directly to Colie’s bedside and save her from the foul grips of illness. Soon, Colie was talking with Mitzi, Lindsy’s mom, who said, “I am so, so sorry.” Huh? It’s not like Mitzi went up to Colie and shoved her face in a towel soaked in strep. You can relax, Mitz. It’s not your fault.
Eventually, Mitzi showed up in the Miztimobile and spirited Colie off to the emergency room where the gender-bending double threat of Nurse Tony and Dr. Ryan deigned to stick an IV in poor Colie’s arm. To say she winced would be an understatement. She bent her head back and bellowed with total, unmitigated pain. For a moment, I thought maybe someone had stabbed her in the gut, but it turned out that was only wishful thinking. Oh — that was cruel. Sorry Coles! (But seriously, you need to shut up with the needle histrionics)
After the commercial break, we learned the shocking truth behind Colie’s malady. SHE HAD MONO. Dunh dunh DUNH! Colie was completely floored by this announcement, asking us, “How could this really be happening to me?” Well… um… it could be happening because you’ve been making out with different boys every since you arrived in the state of Colorado. Nevertheless, the doctor warned her that mono was very, very contagious, adding, “You’re going to need to let everyone know.” Oh, don’t you worry about that. Colie practically hires a skywriter any time she gets a paper cut.
Back at the house, Alex was on the phone with Colie’s mom, finding out what he should be doing to make the place more soothing for her ailing daughter. Ma told him to put all her blankets and pillows on the couch and christen it THE SICK COUCH, which seemed fairly dumb, but hey, when you’re sick, I guess that sort of display is awesome. Alex then informed Tyree about his Sick Couch assembly efforts, causing the big man to respond, “That is the lamest but nicest thing I’ve ever seen you do.” No, it was pretty much just lame.
Amusingly enough, when Colie returned, she seemed completely unfazed by Alex’s creation of a Sick Couch. She also seemed unfazed that he was sleeping on the floor next to a basketball, but that’s neither here nor there. Colie simply said “Thank you” and plopped down on the couch. She didn’t even seem impressed that Alex had spoken to her mother about it. Instead, she commented, “That’s what I have at home — a sick couch.” Uh yeah. THAT’S THE POINT. By the way, big ups to putting the girl with the highly contagious disease right in the middle of the living room, a.k.a. the most social space in the house.
Well, Colie may have had Mono, but it was Brooke who was truly suffering. Her anxiety and fear of germs was going absolutely out of control. “I don’t want to go through all this crap,” she informed us. “I just want to get my nails done.” And with that, she up and left the house to commence her sidewalk journey towards some random nail salon in Denver. Unfortunately, Brooke couldn’t quite find the nail place, and instead wandered around from street to street, passing unsavory individuals who catcalled her and sized her up. It was probably very uncomfortable for her, but it was kind of funny watching her struggle in this concrete labyrinth — especially since she didn’t seem more than five blocks away from her house at any given time. Next time, Brookie, use Google Maps. Double true, as they say.
Eventually, Brooke returned to the compound looking like she wanted to cry. When Colie asked her what was wrong, she merely flung her arms up as if the entire state of Colorado had conspired to keep her away from manicured bliss. Eventually, she dramatically announced, “The directions were… either wrong or… too long… or something… but I… walked for a very long time… never found the place… was in the ghetto… was dealing with guys yelling at me… saying… ‘Hey baby, nice ass!’” Honestly, I simply cannot do justice to this monologue. I’ll just have to post a Clipgasm later.
Thinking this was a good time for a joke, Tyree then asked, “How come every negative place you go to got to be the ghetto?” He immediately rescinded the comment, saying it was a bad time for comedy, but it was too late. Brooke completely missed that he was playing and tearfully responded, “You know what, y’all? I’m just so fed up with everything. Just don’t talk to me! Don’t talk to me! If I can’t even talk normally, just… leave me alone! Everybody! Just me the hell alone! I hate this place!!!” And with that, she stormed into the phone room and let out a primal scream. Brooke then dialed up her mother and bawled into the phone. “Mom?” she sobbed.
“Oh baby, what’s the matter?” Momma responded.
“I’M IN HELL!” Brooke responded in the funniest, most overdramatic line of the season. I know that the whole Tyree vs. Davis fight was provocative and intense, but dammit, this was way more entertaining. Again, words don’t do justice. It’ll all be in the Clipgasm.
After the commercial break, Brooke mentioned to her mother how Colie was “sick on the couch with MONO… Yeah, yeah, don’t get me even started with THAT!!!” She then added, “Colie may be bedridden and nauseous and in extreme pain, BUT I’M THE ONE SUFFERING HERE!!! ME!!!” Okay, she did say that, but she did turn her attention towards Tyree. “Of course, Tyree gets up in arms and says ‘Why you have to call it the ghetto?’ or whatever he was saying,” Brooke said. I liked how she ended the sentence with “Or whatever he was saying,” completely brushing off the fact that he was joking. Nevertheless, Brooke finally declared, “This is not worth it. This is NOT worth it with the fact that I’m having to pay my RENT! $700 a MONTH in California while I’m living here!”
Amusingly, her mother than replied, “What are you talking about? You don’t pay $700 a month. You pay $438.” Oops! Luckily, Brooke recovered by noting, “No, Mom. On top of that, utilities!“
“Well, I’m paying that,” Mom said. Busted again! Brooke was left with little else to say but an annoyed, hostile, “WHATEVER!” So maybe her facts were off. Whatevs!!!! Why does everyone have to be such sticklers about the facts when it comes to building logical arguments???
Later, Jenn tried to make Brooke feel better by saying she wasn’t insulted at all by the use of the word “ghetto.” “I’m not offended,” Jenn said. “I live in low-income housing, and I use food stamps. Okay, so I’m not offended.” GREAT. Of course, had Brooke derided Tyson Beckford, it would have been a whole different story.
We then found the two girls walking on the streets, and I feared that Brooke might be forced to relive her navigational woes all over again. Luckily, there were no ill-advised detours into the ghetto. Instead, the two found themselves at a pizzeria called Two-Fisted Mario’s (why does that sound so gross?) where Brooke wished she could simply adopt Jenn’s attitude of not letting people get to her. Yes, Jenn is the epitome of even-keeled. She never blows up at all. Not even for the smallest, stupidest thing. If only we could all be like her…
After dinner, Brooke said she felt 100% better. The girls returned to the house where Stephen greeted them with a quiet “What’s up,” marking his one and only line of the episode. Brooke then talked with Tyree, telling him that he has no idea what it’s like to be female and catcalled and whatnot. He nodded aggressively, and informed her that when he made the ghetto comment, “I was smiling.”
And just like that, Brooke realized she had completely overreacted. Ooops! It was okay though. The two bumped elbows and all was right in the world again.
What did you think about this episode? What did you think about Brooke?