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Let me know if you’ve heard this before on The Real World: Denver: Stephen gets into a fuss that spirals out of control and winds up leading to a much larger argument between two other cast members. Or how about Jenn gets wasted, turns belligerent, and wreaks havoc on the house. Yes, both stories resurfaced and intersected on today’s Real World, but here’s the shocker: Jenn, of all people, sounded like the voice of reason. That can’t be good…This week’s show started off at a non-Monarck bar where we saw Stephen talking to some girls for what appeared to be the first time ever. We haven’t seen much of his flirtatious side because a) he’s usually at church and denouncing the day of the devil and whatnot, and b) he apparently has a girlfriend named Mercii (the extra “i” is for “Individual!”). Well, since Stephen clearly didn’t have enough faith in his faithfulness, he asked Jenn to watch out for him, make sure he didn’t do anything to jeopardize his relationship with Mercii. And honestly, nothing says love like when you need the house drunkard to keep you from cheating.
Well, say what you will for Jenn, but she turned out to be a rock solid cockblock, effectively ending any sort of romantic interaction between Stephen and the skanks at every turn. While she contributed to Stephen’s chronic case of blue balls, Brooke meanwhile dealt with her own case of sexual frustration. She informed us that “Davis and I both have a very flirty relationship,” which was peculiar considering that she was straight and he was, you know, gay. Nevertheless, she seemed like she wanted to jump his bones, and it might not have been such an unreasonable demand. After all, the last time Davis had sex with a woman was only three months prior. I didn’t really understand why he had sex with a girl — seemed very non-gay, at least definition-wise — but this seemed to turn Brooke on, even though she claimed it didn’t. Nevertheless, under the watchful eye of Jenn, who was dressed like she was about to hit up an S&M convention, Brooke and Davis flirted and and poked and prodded each other, a situation that was both annoying and bizarre. Surely nothing would come of it, but we knew that Davis would continue to tease Brooke with his sexuality, only because the attention was clearly too intoxicating for him. Eh. Boring.
Speaking of boring, Stephen later called up Mercii and announced that the craziest thing happened to him at the club. “Some girl kissed me tonight!” he proclaimed, adding, “Yes, she kissed me when I just so happened to fall over and press my lips against hers!” Good save, Stephen. Your political career is intact!
The next night, order was restored to the Real World universe as the kids headed back to favorite bar Monarck for more fun times. Alex revealed to us that the most flirtatious guy in the house was actually Stephen, and the next thing we knew, we saw both guys holding hands with girls, taking them back to their palace of hedonism. Ever the thoughtful judge of character, Stephen explained to us, “These girls that we bring home, they’re just, I don’t know, I would call them groupies.” Yes, I’m sure your future constituents will love your callous objectification! And by the way, I know most people who return to the manse are through-and-through fame whores, but groupies? These new generations of Real Worlders really need to stop with the inflated sense of importance.
Nevertheless, Stephen took his new honey into the backyard and tried to impress her with his Michael Jordan moves. “I can dunk too, you know!” he bragged as he jumped up to the basket… and missed by a good foot or two. Suddenly, amidst all this excitement, the phone rang. Alex pulled away from the trollop he was sucking face with and answered the call. Sure enough, it was Mercii. UH OH!
Afraid that he might ruin Stephen’s bubbling chemistry with Groupie #24601, Alex poked his head into the backyard and awkwardly asked, “Can I talk to you real quick?” Dude, you can say that Stephen has a phone call. It’s not that big of a deal. Nevertheless, Stephen soon got on the phone with Mercii, chatted with her for two seconds, then covered the mouthpiece with his hand and began asking Alex about the naked women in the jacuzzi and whatnot. Newsflash for Stephen: contrary to popular belief, audio can be heard through a hand. How about you stop being an idiot and use the hold button. Or at least whisper.
Later, Stephen told his girlfriend, “Man! Crazy life I lead! I don’t know what’s going on!” Yeah, he’s just innocent flotsam in the swirling currents of insanity that are Denver!
Once Mercii was off the phone, it was time for the jacuzzi. You know how this goes — drunken banter leading to girl-on-girl action. Next thing we knew, one girl was then making out with Alex and the other was kissing Stephen. Scandal! Luckily, Stephen was keeping it real. “I don’t feel guilty about what’s going on,” he said. “It’s a game! I’m not making out with these girls because I like them or anything of that sort.” Exactly. He only brought the girls back so they could play this wonderful game, the rules of which he’s very adamant on following. It’s not his fault that he has to make out with a girl other than his girlfriend. RULES ARE RULES. Who is he to stand up and say, “Hey! This might really hurt Mercii!”
Elsewhere in the house, Colie and Jenn were simmering with jealousy. “I think all the girls Stephen and Alex are bringing home all have blood alcohol levels of .2 or higher,” Colie said, adding, “Clearly they need to be at a solid .36 if they want to hang with Jenn and me.” The two girls then babbled on about the guys were all over these “groupies,” with Colie then joking, “Congratulations guys. You did it! You got girls in the hot tubs!” I’d probably have more sympathy for them had they not already brought home several men of their own and bragged about the oral sex afterwards. Let’s not forget that the first skanky girls to make out in that hot tub were you guys!
We then paused to visit with our dumb B-story, which again focused on Davis being flirtatious with Brooke. The new twist was that Brooke didn’t want to be sexual with Davis. She only wanted to flirt about it. When Tyree then called her a cocktease the next day, she pretty much shrugged and said yes. I guess that’s what you gotta be when you live IN HELL!!!!
That night, everyone headed back to Monarck where drunken party girl had resurfaced. We knew she was really wasted because the cameras went to slo-mo. Sadly, there was no embarrassing tumble for Jenn tonight. However, when she got back to the house, she threw water and pizza all over the kitchen; so we knew we’d be in for some hilarity.
Well, Jenn soon began mouthing off to Stephen about Mercii, calling him a cheater. Wait a second — politicians aren’t supposed to be cheaters. Stephen better fix this! “There are a few things that I’m just not going to stand for,” he told us, adding, “For instance, I will not stand for people who hold me accountable for my own actions!”
Anyway, Stephen and Jenn began to bicker, and while making a judgment call about Stephen’s own poor judgment was somewhat outside her duties of simply keeping him on the straight and narrow, I was still glad that someone what making him face his own actions. Soon, he began to get testy, yelling, “You have no fucking idea what the fuck you’re talking about!” True. But neither did he. Yay drunken idiots!
Finally, Jenn couldn’t take it any longer. She absolved herself of any responsibility to save Stephen’s bee-hind. “Have Rob calm you down, honey,” she said. “I don’t really give a goddamn. One day you’re crying about Mercii, next day you’re laughing.” Haha, BUSTED!
Well, that was the straw that broke the pebble-head’s back! “YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” he yelled, later adding, “MY UNCHARACTERISTIC ANGER IS NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE AT ALL!!!”
Jenn then called him a bitch, Stephen walked away, and Jenn retired to upstairs. I thought the big drama of the episode was over, and we could then move onto the obligatory “mending” phase, but silly me. I clearly overestimated the capability of these kids to let things simmer down.
When Stephen returned to the kitchen, Alex informed him that Jenn was trying cut him down by saying the most hurtful thing she could say. Everything she says is to take people down to low place that she exists in. I wouldn’t disagree on that point; however, Alex then continued, “I think what you should do is learn as much as you can about her, and next time something like this comes up, kill her where it hurts!” Yes. Wonderful idea. That’s the perfect way to rebuild a healthy relationship. Total, emotional attrition.
Alex then elaborated, “You take the most personal things you can ever think of, and you just crush her right there.” He should really write Hallmark cards.
WELL. The best part about Real Worlders is that they love drama. It was therefore no surprise that Davis then skipped on over to Colie and Jenn and relayed everything that Alex just said, including a comment about how Stephen should make fun of Jenn’s strained relationship with her father. Oh damn. Jenn immediately rampaged off, leaving Colie to tell Davis that he probably shouldn’t have told her that. But then, how would he instigate drama??
Anyway, Jenn marched right up to Alex — as she should have — and asked, “HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU BE SO COLD HEARTED???” She was right. Maybe if Alex had been joking — as he later claimed he was, kind of — his comments might have been passable. But to sternly advise someone to attack someone’s gaping vulnerability was pretty much evil.
Sure enough, Alex tried to weasel his way out of the situation, saying it was all taken out of context and the comments were just theoretical. You know, if Stephen wanted to land a low blow, this is how he could do it. But surely Alex didn’t advise that at all! How could no one realize that when he said “I think what you should do…”, he was clearly saying “I think what you SHOULDN’T do…”?
Well, Jenn really laid into him, and she was surprisingly articulate, emotional, and even powerful. So much so that Alex could not deny was an ass he’d become. He ran into his room and cried, which was intriguing, but soon the excuses arrived. “I was trying to give him perspective,” Alex said, regarding his “advice” to Stephen. Yes, terrible, terrible perspective.
Alex then bandied about the whole “context” thing — clearly no one remembered that it was opposites day. He was merely saying the opposite of what Stephen should do. Ignoramuses!
Stephen, meanwhile, was now all calm and collected. With the spotlight off his own idiocy, he could now pretend to be the thoughtful mediator and fix everything in his wake. He did feel kind of badly about the whole mess that had sprung up though. “I think I’m kind of soft,” he told us. Yeah, that would be an understatement.
The next day, Jen had lunch with the girls and talked about how frustrated she was that Stephen had yelled at her when she was merely trying to look out for him. Her frustration was warranted. However, she should also realize that she wasn’t merely keeping him away from other girls — she was also sticking his face in his own transgressions. You see, people. It’s not black-and-white. It’s gray! Many fabulous, idiotic shades of gray.
Back at the house, Alex called his mom and told her the story, this time adding that he was wasted when he made his comments — you know, just another thing to distance himself from actual responsibility. Last time I checked, he seemed pretty sober. Nevertheless, this led to him and Jenn having A Big Talk about understanding and trust and yada yada yada. His chin quivered, Jenn felt better, and the two hugged. Yay! Resolution.
But the show wasn’t over yet. Now Jenn and Stephen had to resolve their issues, and while both of them were contrite, it seemed definitely like Jenn was doing the bulk of the apologizing. Stephen merely did his whole bygones are bygones schtick, and as the episode ended, it was comforting to know that Stephen and Alex and Jenn had once again returned to a state of mind where none of them had to be responsible for their actions ever as long as there was an empty hug at the end of the rainbow. Tra la la la.
What did you think about this episode? Who was right? Who was wrong?