Here’s a good rule of thumb. Whenever The Real World goes on a camping trip, just hit the fast forward button. If there’s anything we’ve learned over the three camping episodes, it’s that Outward Bound does not make compelling television. Not in the slightest. In today’s episode, we pretty much twiddled our thumbs through the boring saga of Brooke’s sprained ankle, Davis and Stephen’s plague-like illnesses, and Colie’s attempts to lure in Adam, the forbidden Outward Bound instructor that just happens to be her soulmate (although, he may not realize it yet). How very compelling.This week’s show started with Brooke fretting about another upcoming Outward Bound camping trip, noting how the last one was “the worst five days of my life.” I feel you, sister. It wasn’t any better for those of us watching at home. Conveniently, as the excursion drew near, Brooke managed to “sprain” her ankle, which meant she surely couldn’t go hiking, yes? She probably only had a mosquito bite, but considering that she was the biggest drama queen in the house (SHE’S IN HELL!!!!), I was surprised she didn’t announce that her leg needed to be amputated on account of gangrene.
Meanwhile, self-professed kissing-slut Colie revealed that she had a kind of boyfriend at home. His name was Corey, and they had been dating right up until she moved to Denver. Even though they were exes, they still had feelings for each other, but they were nothing compared to the lusty impulses Colie reserved for Adam, the Outward Bound logistical coordinator with whom she spent the day during her mono quarantine in the Rockies. Yes, Colie still wanted to jump his bones, mostly because it would probably be a wise investment. “I think I’m attracted to Adam being ambitious and becoming a doctor,” she revealed, adding, “That’s right: I’m a shameless gold digger.”
Unfortunately for Colie, Adam wasn’t allowed to hang out with her. Heck, he couldn’t even speak to her. Chris had apparently imposed a draconian rule that members of his staff were not to fraternize with slutty idiots. How cruel! Struggling in this modern day Montague and Capulet bind, Colie told Adam, “I feel horrible for putting you in this situation.” She then added, “And yet, I will continue to do so.”
Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but Colie did complain endlessly to Alex and Davis, the latter of whom was lucky enough to simply walk away into the ghetto infested areas that had once terrorized poor Brooke. Alex, however, was not so blessed, and so he had to listen to Colie yap on and on about how she and Adam were adults and their love was true and they couldn’t be kept apart — or something like that. At one point, Tyree joined them, and he noted that professionally, it probably wouldn’t be so smart for Colie and Adam to hook up (stop being so “mature,” Tyree!). Eventually, Alex reached his saturation point and simply asked, “Why don’t we just talk about serious stuff?” Huh? On The Real World? Oh, you funny, Alex!
Back at the house, Brooke called her dad to alert him of her sprained ankle, and he merely brushed it off, saying, “That’s nothing.” Yeah… but… but… it’s sprained, Dad! In the immortal words of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, parents just don’t understand. Brooke then went to the doctor and returned to the house with none other than a note exempting her from work for seven days. No running, no hiking, etc. It kind of reminded me of when I was in middle school, and I was forced to play lacrosse by school policy; so I magically found some way to get sick and skip out of it. Of course, that’s when I was in middle school, not when I was a 22 year old college graduate.
After the break, we found Stephen packing, saying how his grandpa told him to man up and go on the camping trip — as if there were any other option. “You was going anyway!” Tyree replied. Exactly.
“I’m from the city, man!” Stephen then said as he rolled up the two smallest socks ever. Does he wear booties? Because that would be odd.
Later, the gang headed over to Wild Oats to buy food for the trip. Tyree was the group’s food manager, which meant he was in charge of the whole operation. Fascinating.
As Brooke walked through the aisles in her ankle brace and stilettos, Jenn and Colie scoffed behind her back, quietly accusing her of faking the injury. Well, duh. Of course she was faking it. What would the next bombshell revelation be? That the sky is blue?
“There’s no one nearby to hook up with. I’m confused.”
Tyree, meanwhile, faced a minor hurdle when it came time to shop for Raleigh, the plucky woman who taught the group how to take a dump in the woods. Apparently, she couldn’t eat wheat, sugar, or dairy. In other news, Raleigh just DIED OF HUNGER. Okay, okay, she’s alive and well, but when Tyree called her up to ask which peanut butter she needed, she talked his ear off to the point where he simply put the phone down for several seconds, ignoring what she was saying. I was really hoping that when he put it back up to his ear, all he would hear would be her saying, “…or else I’ll die of an allergic reaction. Thanks! Bye.”
However, this whole peanut butter situation never really amounted to anything — at least not this episode — and soon we were back at the house where apparently it was Perm Night for Colie. There was plenty of excitement in the air because Colie just found out that Adam had quit Outward Bound! You know what that means: no conflict of interest! Yay! So let me just see if I got this right: Adam quit his day job… over Colie? Doesn’t strike me as a particularly smart move. If I ever wind up in an ER, and he’s the attending physician, I’m changing hospitals.
The next day, Colie dressed up in what looked like a nightgown and met up with Adam to look at some street art. I guess this qualified as a date, at least in Colie’s eyes. She already had her needy claws out, kissing Adam as soon as she saw him. Keep in mind that they’d never kissed before.
“Well, I’m off to bed.”
Anyway, after some casual art perusing, the two wound up at a café where Colie yammered on about her relationship status with her Corey and what she was looking for etc. etc. Hey Colie: TOO MUCH TOO SOON.
Unsurprisingly, Adam, who couldn’t look more bored, suggested that maybe Colie should try to work things would with Corey, which was basically his way of saying, “Skanks for the memories.” A defeated Colie tried to take the rejection lightheartedly as she joked/cried “You’re still hanging out with me! I’m not letting go of you that easily!” She was acting like they’d just ended a three year relationship when in fact it had been more like three hours. Alas, the two eventually walked back to her house where they hugged goodbye dispassionately, and Colie informed us, “I’m living in the present, and I’m not gonna stop myself from doing what my heart feels like doing or my vagina feels like doing.” Hence, you got mono. What’s next on Colie’s horizon? So many diseases to conquer!
“This has been the worst day of my life.”
The next morning at 5:30 AM, the gang woke up to go to Outward Bound, but there were problems: Colie’s mono was gone, but now Davis had a horrendous illness that caused him to cough violently all the way up to the mountains. Plus, as a little touch that seemed to say, “This one’s for you, loyal viewers,” we then saw him puke out the driver’s door. Lovely. I had to wonder why the hell he was driving in the first place. Shouldn’t he have been sleeping in the first place? I guess Jenn couldn’t man the car because she probably has three DUI arrests on her record, and Colie would have been liable to simply guide the car off a cliff or something.
Anyway, as Brooke watched Davis vomit in the parking lot, she asked, “Why are you throwing up???” Yeah, since when do people who are sick throw up? This is craziness! SHE’S IN HELL!!!
Well, the gang assembled with Chris, and we soon learned that Stephen was sick too now. Ah. Yes, three of the seven people were totally a mess, which left Chris to ask one thing: why didn’t you guys just call and tell him? Um… uh… because that would be the “smart” thing to do?
Nevertheless, Chris sent the sick, hurting, and mono-plagued kids to the doctor, and when they returned, Colie announced that she had a clean bill of health. The other three, however, were not to participate in the camping trip. Brooke apologized to the girls, and Jenn merely laughed it off, saying, “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Um, weren’t you the one who was bitching about Brooke behind her back? That’s some Grade A phoniness!
Well, the ailing trio drove back to Denver, and on the way, Brooke commented, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we never had to come back here again?” YES. Please, let’s never see the Outward Bound junk ever again on MTV. Brooke then surmised, “I bet they hate us. I would so hate us if I were them.” However, we then cut to the campers climbing up a rock, seizing life, and not even caring. Don’t you see? They’re being troopers, and troopers aren’t petty enough to concern themselves with gossiping about other people. CLEARLY. Nice message, but I call bullshit. Of course, the four remaining cast members hated Stephen, Davis, and Brooke. Sure enough, we eventually found Colie and Jenn complaining about Brooke yet again. They definitely had a right to be peeved, but at the same time, they really should have just gotten over it.
Back in Denver, we found Brooke and Stephen enjoying some cocktails in the hot tub. Yes, Stephen, that’s exactly how you shake a cold. This footage will be great when he runs for office. What better way to dispel the image of a deceptive politician than by, you know, deceiving your employers.
Of course, like a good politician, Stephen had a built in excuse for his actions. “Getting rid of a virus, you probably shouldn’t be up all night drinking liquor, but, you know, I’m not the most rational person,” he said. Hey, he can’t help it if he’s not rational. That’s just the way it is!
I’m looking forward to his campaign posters: “Stephen Nichols For Congress: I’m not the most rational person.”
What did you think about this episode? Was this the worst episode of the season? Should the kids have sucked it up? And don’t forget to watch Saul on the aftershow.
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