Happy Valentines Day, America! Hope you enjoyed the chocolate-covered turd that was the latest episode of The Real World. Just in time for this most romantic of days, the producers focused on love, sweet love — whether it be gay or straight, naked or clothed, black or white. Yes, this was one of those “serious” episodes. The type that tackles “real” issues and social dilemmas. In other words, it was painfully boring.
That’s not to say it was a total waste. There were for sure several interesting moments, and it’s hard to deny Davis and his amazingly tortured home life. But aside from a few fascinating moments, this episode was basically a revolving door of non-castmembers traipsing about and lots and lots of pontification, courtesy of Stephen. I neither hate nor love Valentine’s, but I tell you, if I have to put up with this junk every year, I’m swearing off the whole dumb holiday.This week’s show started off with rainbows in every which direction. That’s right, gay pride was in town, and in Colorado, you know that’s always a bit of a paradox. Anyway, Davis recruited the twin wenches of Colie and Jenn to accompany him to the festival and help him pick out tacky souvenirs and tchochkes. There was some talk about how Davis truly felt “out” for the first time ever, and then later on, he returned to the house and called his boyfriend, PJ, to say how excited he was to see him this weekend. Oh yeah, forgot to mention. PJ’s coming this weekend. Oh, and so is Mercii, Stephen’s little lady. “It should be fun for all of us,” Davis predicted, assuming that Mercii wouldn’t turn into a shrieking hyena upon hearing that her boy had cheated on her (I might as well kill the suspense now — no such fireworks occurred. There was love all around. This is Valentine’s, after all).
We then cut to some restaurant where Alex pondered the nature of homosexuality. “If Davis lived his whole life as a playboy, making out with chicks everyday,” he mused, “and then all of a sudden, when he’s like twenty-four, thirty, he just liked on guy. That’s not really that gay.” Uh…
Alex then added, “It’s a total hypothetical, though. I’m just saying. This has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a playboy and in my mid-twenties and sitting here with my shirt entirely open. I’m just talkin’ theoretical. Is it hot in here?”
You go, girl!
That night, Tyrie called his boo, Jazalle, and told her to come over. She was wary because she was just at a lingerie party and was therefore in very skimpy attire. No matter, reasoned Tyrie. If she showed up, he would walk around naked. Nu-uh. Uh-huh! Nu-uh! UH-HUH!
Next thing we knew, Tyrie was waltzing around in the buff, a cheery smiley face thankfully covering up his nether regions. Ah yes. Hilarious antics on The Real World. Now, can we get to a story?
Well, just when everything seemed a bit too “fun” for this traditionally somber holiday, we then moved to Sunday morning as Davis and Stephen put on their best pastels and headed off to church. It was mildly fascinating to watch these guys sit in the back pew, but only because introspection is such a rare sight on The Real World these days. Afterwards, the two had an interesting talk about the bible and homosexuality etc. etc. Davis found a verse that said something about women getting their hair cut off if they didn’t cover their heads while praying. This resulted in the old “How can we latch onto the gay sins but treat another sin like it’s nothing” discussion, which in turn culminated in Stephen saying, “My whole thing is not to pick apart one point of the bible and say that because this isn’t right, the rest of it cannot be correct.” That being said, he’ll gladly pick apart one part of the bible and say it’s not right.
To his credit, Stephen said he was trying very hard to understand his roommate, and soon the two talked about Davis and his crazy mom who wouldn’t let him come home for Easter on account of all his gayness. We also learned that Davis forwarded his mom’s non-invitation to his siblings, and his little brother wrote back an email that essentially said that he was a failure and he hated him and go to hell. All that good stuff. For the life of me, I could not imagine what Davis was going through, and it might have been nice to explore that a bit more. But instead, we simply went to commercial.
Upon returning, we found the kids dancing away at Monarck, a shiny disco ball glistening down on them like the disdain of so many Denver-ites. Eventually, they all left, and as they sauntered back home, Brooke asked Davis, “How are you guys going to have sex with Stephen in your bedroom?” She then added, “HE’LL BE IN HELL!!!!”
Okay, she didn’t say that. Instead, Stephen made some weird face, and then we fast forwarded to the next day as PJ arrived in Denver. The best way to describe him was sort of like a gayer, blonder version of The Miz.
Brooke took an instant sheen to him, saying he looked so innocent and sweet. Oh, and she thought he had a great body. Somebody taser her before this gets out of hand.
After Brooke commented that PJ looked so much like him, Davis joked, “I’ve always had a crush on myself.” This was followed by chuckles all around. But seriously, Davis took a life-sized cutout of himself to the prom.
Well, enough meet-and-greet. Time for sex! The two boys climbed into bed and began undulating under the covers. Meanwhile, Stephen headed down to the guest bedroom so that his super straight masculinity would remain unblemished. Yes, Stephen. The beacon of manliness. Too bad when Tyrie and Jazalle busted into the room, he was passed out on his stomach, ass in the air, legs spread, and wearing — I shit you not — robin’s egg blue tighty-whiteys. Looks like somebody’s been raiding Alex’s closet again…
Unfortunately for Tyrie and Jazalle, Stephen refused to get out of bed, which meant their little sexytime had been effectively cockblocked. From Stephen? I never! Hey, when’s Mercii coming anyway?
Oh, there she is. After the commercial break, Mercii arrived in Denver, looking all sweet and friendly and kind-hearted in a general sort of way. Little did she realize her boyfriend was the leading patron of International Male. Anyway, the two kissed and hugged and tried not to think about what sort of jock strap Stephen probably was wearing at that moment. By the time they arrived at the house, Stephen told us, “I don’t understand how I’ve been stupid enough to kiss someone else.” Neither do we, my friend. Oh wait. I do remember. It’s because you’re AN IDIOT.
Later on, the couple made their way to a club where they met up with the rest of the gang, including the drunk-looking duo of Jenn and Colie. It had been so nice not seeing these harpies that when they reared their trashy heads, it was like a jolt to the system. Anyway, more fun and drinking was had, and then the next morning, we found the lovebirds cavorting on the bed, play-wrestling with each other like two happy puppies while PJ and Davis made out in the shower. Ah… romance.
That night, the two couples paired up for a double-date at Crú, which was some restaurant that seemed very appealing to me at that moment. Indoor/outdoor seating in the summer. Ahhhh…
Anyway, the two couples talked about the whole Christianity thing again, with PJ commenting, “You can see that Davis is so good-willed and such a good person.” You know, when he’s not getting wasted and unleashing self-loathing attacks and racial slurs on others.
We also learned that Stephen’s mom was about ten times more open-minded than he was, but that was okay because Stephen was learning to be like her. He was learning and growing. And he wasn’t afraid to tell us that. Over. And over. And over. And over again. Stephen for Congress 2024!
And just like that, our romantic evening with the kids of Denver came to a close. What did you think about this episode?