So this is finally it. After years of reading TVgasm and all of the great recaps, I finally get to recap a show that people actually watch. Finally, a dream come true: a chance to make fun of the Real World cast in a public forum. And I promise I’ll try to do my best to fill B-Side’s gigantic shoes (seriously, they’re like clown shoes). But, with the introduction out of the way, let’s see what went down this week in Denver (Colorado!).
The show starts off at night showing the Denver skyline, and it looks pretty boring, and this is all while ominous music plays in the background. At first I was wondering if the Real World could actually start off on a serious note, until they showed Monarck. Everyone knows if you see Monarck, you know the Real Worlders will be inside, since there are no other bars in Denver.
It’s at Monarck where we’re introduced to the first storyline of the night: Tyrie and Jazalle. The two lovebirds were in line for the bathroom, kind of making out, and then we hear Colie mention that “They’re so cute together,” to Stephen and Alex. She’s such a romantic. Well, Alex says that he thinks it’s kind of hard on Tyrie, but not really because he likes her so much. Then Stephen jumps at the chance to tell them, “Tyrie told Jazalle he loved her.” Both Alex and Colie react with shock, but it looks like Colie might also be a little jealous. At least, that’s how it looked when I paused my DVR as she was leaning back. Alex says that it’s bad for the Frat if Tyrie’s in love with her. Hey, remember the Frat? How could you not, we’ve been hearing so much about it lately. (First sign of jumping around timeline.)
After that we see Tyrie and Jazalle in her car outside of Monarck. Tyrie tells her that he’s very protective of his heart, and the only person who has his heart is his mom. But you’re dead wrong if you think he just gave it to her. He made her work for it. He says it just to point out that he’s trying to be careful with his heart. Jazalle responds by saying that Tyrie has her heart, “So don’t fuck it up.” Then Tyrie responds with the sweet words, “YOU don’t fuck it up.” Then Jazalle said “If you ever make out with that Brooke chick though, I’m through with you.” I’ve got some bad news Jazalle…
Back at the house, Tyrie and Alex are doing what all normal people do after a night out: shooting hoops. This scene was kind of boring to me, since I don’t really care about people’s “feelings,” whatever those are. But basically, Tyrie said he liked Jazalle a lot. Alex said he thought Jazalle was an intuitive, intelligent person who can help Tyrie should he ever need someone to lean on for support. And Alex said she’s good-looking. We can’t leave out the most important thing.
Tyrie responded with “I think she’s fine.” Hold on Tyrie, let’s not get crazy with our adjectives here. Alex says, “She’s not as fine as Ashley, but she’s twice as smart!” I think Tyrie agreed, but he said when you consider personality and looks, Jazalle comes out ahead of Ashley. I also take that to mean that he thinks Ashley has the personality of a door, but maybe I’m just inferring that.
Then Tyrie points out to us that after he met Ashley, he invited her to come to the gym with her. Well, “Some things progressed,” he says, which I take to mean their relationship on a purely spiritual, non-physical manner. Ok, that’s a lie. They did it before he went to the gym. And might I add nice work Tyrie.
Most brutal Real World icon ever
Back to Alex and Tyrie shooting hoops, and Alex isn’t so sure that Tyrie should settle down to just one woman. “Having one woman has [mumble mumble] pros than cons, but it definitely has cons.” I think what he said was having one woman has more pros than cons, but I listened to it like three times and heard it different every time. Tyrie says he thinks it’s still worth it though. Alex seems fine with that answer and says “I’ll pick up the slack.” And then he goes on to say “And by that I mean I will completely take advantage of Colie only when I feel like it, and the rest of the time I will treat her like shit. That is what I mean when I say picking up the slack.” Thanks for clarifying Alex! Tyrie gets the last word, saying that if the opportunity for a threesome arises, he might have to do what he has to do. Such a gentleman. I know many guys who wouldn’t do what they’ve got to do for 2 sexy ladies in need.
Then it was finally our first chance to see Brooke and Jenn this week. We hear Jenn say, “I don’t like hot guys. I like scruffy guys, just, just, I don’t like hot guys.” She also said “I don’t like hot guys because I really care about a guy’s personality. Looks mean nothing to me. I’m not what you would consider “shallow” at all. Seriously.” Brooke then tells us about her first boyfriend having jacked up teeth and longer hair than her, and he already sounds like a winner. Ever since then, she’s had a thing for dudes with long hair. Jenn then says, “Are you done talking about yourself yet? Is it my turn yet?” She didn’t necessarily say that, but you know she was thinking it. She describes Jared, and I was wondering who the hell Jared was. (To be fair, she had mentioned him in a previous episode.)
Brooke, wanna make out?
Jenn tells us that Jared is someone in her life who she “really, really” cares about, and she’s trying to build a relationship with him. Proven fact: When building a relationship, it’s a good idea to make out with someone you live with, and it’s an even better idea to have sex with someone you live with. Jenn describes Jared some more to Brooke, then says he’s going to come visit soon and she misses him so much. Then she says something I think we can all agree on: “I’m such an asshole.”
She admits to us that she has cheated on Jared (duh), but at least she is admitting it, and she feels guilty about it. So she calls him and says, “I got really fucked up the other night and hooked up with my roommate.” On the other line we hear…silence. Then Jared asks who it was, and Jenn tries to dodge the question, but finally answers that it was Alex. Then she cries and whines, and says her intentions weren’t to hurt Jared, but then he says, “I don’t give a shit about your intentions.” YEAH! Then she says that she was drunk, and again he calls bullshit, saying that he gets drunk all the time and doesn’t do anything with anybody. Then Jenn whines about how bad she feels, and thankfully Jared reminds her that it’s like a “punch in the gut” for him.
Makin’ out is what defines me. Making out and herpes.
I think MTV edited out some of the discussion (thank God) because a little later Jared sounded pretty calm and slightly more forgiving. He thanks Jenn for telling him, because she didn’t have to, and then the conversation is over. This is the second sign of the questionable timeline. Jenn hooked up with Alex more than once, so either she was lying, or this was very early.
We see footage of a thunderstorm in Denver (how very fitting, editors) and then Jenn goes to talk to Colie about the whole situation. Jenn says she never puts anyone before herself. I think she was implying that she had put Jared’s feelings in front of her own. In retrospect of her hookup with Alex, she’s chosen to put his feelings in front of hers. But let’s not forget that she had no qualms about hooking up with him. And, as far as we know, the only problem she had with hooking up with Alex was that Colie is stalking him. Also, we all know that Colie is NOT the perfect person to get relationship advice. I didn’t really pay attention to what she said, but I think the gist of her advice to Jenn was to have fun with Alex, then have Jared come for a weekend and do nothing but have sex, knowing full well you’ll go back to Alex afterwards, and then when Alex rejects you, pout, and then when Jared rejects you, cry. I pointed out, Colie was not the best person to get relationship advice from.
After the commercial break, and on what I can only assume to be the next day, we see, like, two shots of Jared’s picture (which makes like 8 or something already) and then Jenn is sitting by the phone, crying. She somehow ends up on the phone with her sister Michelle, and then Jenn tells her sister about the whole situation with the Alex hookup and the Jared phone call. Jenn says she doesn’t want to make Jared look like an idiot, and then her sister says, “Well YOU don’t want to come home and look like an idiot.” If only you knew Michelle. If only you knew. Apparently Michelle saw Jared kissing other people, but she doesn’t know who it was.
Hey Sis, Wanna make out?
Well it sure didn’t take long for Jenn to switch from sad to angry. She tells us, “It sucks when you go out on a limb for somebody, and you care about somebody, and you try to do something right, and try to be a good person about something, and you get a slap in the face.” She goes on, “It would be like someone you care about having sex with someone they temporarily live with. Wouldn’t that be awful?”
Off the phone, rather than call Jared to get the truth from him, Jenn goes to tell the situation with Brooke. Oh how quickly she can play the victim. She is pissed that Jared had the audacity to pretend on the phone that he’s Mr. Perfect, while she had just been honest with him about hooking up. Once. And he was sober when he did it! I’m not sure where she got that fun fact from, but he must have been, which makes it worse. Jenn tells Brooke, “To me, kissing is more intimate than being drunk and having sex with somebody. Kissing somebody! In public!” Imagine that! People you know actually seeing someone you kind of have something with kissing someone else in public! As opposed to, say, seeing first-hand someone you kind of have something with hook up with their roommate. She thinks that him kissing someone is worse than her hooking up with a roommate that she doesn’t even know and being drunk. You know, even though she lives with that person and sees them everyday and will be getting to know them. I present to you all Jenn’s powers of rationalization. Everyone should be taking notes.
Finally it’s Brooke’s turn to talk. She’s been cheated on before, so I guess she has motivation, but she’s ruthless. She tells Jenn, “Never feel sorry for a man. Period. Never. Because as soon as you start feeling sorry for him, you’ll figure it out soon enough, they’re fucking around way more than you are.” Ouch Brooke. She continued, “I think you are completely justified in killing every man you see. A jury would never convict you. (whispers) I’ve tried it; it works.” Brooke’s been hurt, yes, but isn’t hating all men (straight at least) forever a little much?
Later we see Tyrie on the phone with Jazalle, who was woken up when he called. She tells him about a conversation she had with her brother where she told her brother she’d fallen for and trusts Tyrie. Tyrie doesn’t sound to pleased though. He chooses this point to tell her that he had sex with Ashley, whom Jazalle lovingly refers to as Big head, which is an awesome nickname. Obviously, Jazalle isn’t too cool with this, even though it was before the two were serious. But Tyrie is 100% sorry, and he says that only Jazalle is important. Then he asks if he can get her to come over one more time (apparently he asked her before) and she rejects him. Should have kept your mouth shut Tyrie. Damn that conscience.
From there we go to the airport with Stephen and Alex, because Stephen’s friend Darnell is arriving today! They walk into the house and Darnell asks Stephen, “Is that your room right there?” Stephen said no, that’s the phone room. “Oh, that’s crazy,” was Darnell’s response. He also asked if the kitchen, the shower, and the toilet were Stephen’s room. I’m not too sure this isn’t actually Darnell’s first trip inside of a house, so good for him for going outside of his comfort zone.
That night the guys (Stephen, Darnell, Alex and Tyrie) are all going out to dinner, and Stephen gets a little pep talk from Alex. Basically, Alex calls out Stephen for being a light drinker, which I can totally relate to, because I harass my friends for not drinking enough all the time. Stephen responds with, “Oh yeah? Well let me just pop my collar. Who’s a man now Alex?” Note: I still side with Alex in that one. Oh, also, it didn’t really happen.
Yay, Jenn’s a whore! Cheers!
After dinner, the guys meet up with the rest of the roommates at a new bar (new bar!) called DC 10. There we see Jenn, who tells us that Darnell is hot. At first you might be thinking, uhoh, Jenn is going to be all over him. But then you remember that she said she doesn’t like hot guys. Crisis averted before it even started. Sure they’re dancing together, and she’s drinking, but it’s not like that’s ever caused a problem before, right?
Poor guy doesn’t see it coming
While everybody was having a good time at the bar, who is working there but the infamous Big head, a.k.a. Ashley. She’s kind of standing by Tyrie, but I don’t think we actually see him say anything to her. Luckily for Tyrie, Jazalle also shows up, while Ashley is standing by him. Uh-ohhhh. It doesn’t really look like anything happens, but Tyrie tells us that Jazalle came over to the table, saw Ashley giving them drinks, gave him an evil eye, then left pissed. Remember that trust thing? Maybe Jazalle overestimated her trust in Tyrie just a little bit.
After the commercial break we saw the guys getting a ride back home. Back at the house we hear Jenn say that Darnell is getting her in trouble. She tells us that Darnell is: adorable, sweet, good guy, educated, intelligent. Remember when she said she hooked up with Alex and didn’t even know him? Somehow, in the course of a night, she managed to get to know Darnell possibly better than Stephen knew him. Somehow. I’m pretty sure it’s entirely sincere though.
Jenn goes to talk to Colie (who apparently stayed in) about hooking up, and Colie gives her the go ahead. Then she mutters under her breath, “As long as you stay away from my man Alex. He loves me! That’s why he’d have sex with you! To prove it!” Stephen and Darnell were sitting on the couch downstairs, and Jenn comes down and sits between them.
This was the moment Stephen realized he had feelings for Darnell
Understandably, seeing that a makeout was imminent, Stephen got off the couch. I wouldn’t want to sit and watch my friend makeout with anyone, let alone someone I lived with and knew what they’d done in the past. And cue the makeout. Jenn doesn’t like hot guys, remember. Maybe this guy is scruffy. Even though she described him as hot. Let’s not get into the semantics here.
She’s like the Smiegel of Slut
Darnell has had enough of this making out in front of people and says, “Let’s go somewhere.” Jenn replies, “I do have a dude back home. I’m not with him. I care about him. I like him. But you are fucking sexy as hell.” Then there was some mumbling I couldn’t decipher, and then more making out in public. I guess this qualifies as growth for her, if she was able to say up front that she had a “dude” before hooking up with someone else, so good work and congratulations Jenn.
Then we see Tyrie is on the phone with Jazalle. There is arguing, I’m not really sure what happened, but apparently she was en route to the house while they were talking, because she asked Tyrie to come let her in. Really quickly we see Jenn ask Stephen if Darnell is hot, and Stephen just hangs his head, but in the background we can hear Tyrie and Jazalle arguing.
Jazalle is upset that Tyrie is screaming at her, and then he screams, “I’M NOT SCREAMING AT YOU!” She tries to walk away, and he grabs her arm and pulls her back. She runs inside into the bathroom, and Tyrie goes in after her. He says he loves her pretty calmly, and she says if he loves her, then he shouldn’t scream at her. Basically she won’t stop talking so he can talk, causing him to start screaming more. She says, “You scare me when you scream at me,” and I cannot agree more with her on this point. She tries to leave the bathroom and he grabs her arm and this time yanks her back into the bathroom, then closes the door, and resumes his yelling. All he wants is for her to listen, but screaming sure isn’t working. However, it only makes him scream more.
At this point, things get pretty scary. In the window of the door you can see Tyrie step aggressively towards Jazalle. Then Jenn and Jazalle’s cousin (who apparently came with Jazalle to the house) both show up outside the door to help Jazalle out. Jenn opens the door, Tyrie slams it shut again. Jenn tries again, and Tyrie pushes Jenn out of the way. Then Stephen runs over there and is trying to help Jenn hold the door open. And just as it’s getting good…
to be continued…
So that was the show for this week. What did you think? Is there anyone who can rationalize their actions better than Jenn? Do you think the Tyrie/Jazalle battle is being built up for an entire week only to fizzle out next week?
Also, let me know what you thought of the recap. Loved it, hated it, too short, too long, wish I would shut up. I’m open to your suggestions.
One more thing: don’t forget to catch Madeyoulaugh on the aftershow.