Okay, maybe today’s episode of The Real World wasn’t quite a whorefest, but I just really wanted to use that headline, and considering this would be my last chance to do so, I jumped at the opportunity (thus pushing my more clever title of “Go Tell It On The Mountain” to the losers heap). Anyway, we received a much welcomed respite from the idiotic drama of Colie, Jenn, and Alex, to focus on the more neurotic behavior of Brooke and Davis. Of course, Brooke is probably the craziest of the girls, but she’s also my favorite, and her lunacy never fails to somehow gain sympathy from me. Wouldn’t you go nuts if you were in that house? I feel you, sister friend. May you continue to shriek and splash water in every which direction!Btw, for those of you wondering, I got a screener of this episode and wrote this recap on Monday, and so even though it’s being posted after my Hills recap, I actually wrote it before. Hence, my farewell will be in my Hills recap because it will be the last one I ever write. Although, by the time you read this, it will all be past tense. Ugh. Just wanted to explain why the hell I have a recap up after I said goodbye – because that’s annoying. Anyhoo…
The show started off with the sound of naughty giggles, making me fear that perhaps we might be privy to a Colie/Alex tickle session. Luckily, our eyes were spared such an awful sight. Instead, the mirth stemmed from Davis, who was presently making out with his boyfriend PJ, who was still hanging around for his fourth episode. He was like some never-leaving eight castmate, but truthfully, I think I’d rather him than one of the twin harpies known as Colie and Jenn. Btw, I feel mildly bad. Last week, Madeyoulaugh (a.k.a. Saul from the after show) ambushed me by calling up with Colie on speaker phone. She was friendly enough and asked that I be nicer to her. Too bad thirty minutes later I published a post with the headline, “HAHA YOU IDIOT!” Oops! Sorry, Colie. I’ll try to be nicer (heh), but damn, you’ve been totally retarded and drunk all season long! What else am I supposed to do?
Okay, I’m totally off track. Getting back to the show. So PJ and Davis were making out, and once again, Davis teased Brooke’s raging libido by inviting her to join in. She refused, but instead, she happily took a stance by the doorway and ogled the boys as they swapped spit. Voyeurism soon made way for general giddiness as she ran over to the lair of the “trashy bitch” (a.k.a. Jenn) and excited said, “Jenn, you have to come and see this!” Thinking that a giant penis was flapping about in the living room, Jenn quickly jumped to her feet and joined Brooke, but she was soon disappointed to discover the fuss was merely over two guys kissing.
Well, Brooke jumped all around the boys like a hyperactive little sister, and then she informed us that she was massively sexually frustrated. So much so that she was inadvertently shooting snot rockets out of her nose. Tyrie explained to us that someone just had to “gorilla pimp” Brooke, which basically was the equivalent of a pity-fuck. Personally, I think someone ought to teach her how to play basketball first. She could not hit the basket for the life of her. Good thing she wasn’t in the NBA. Otherwise SHE’D BE IN HELL!!!
Anyway, our old crunch friend/boss Chris called up and announced he had info for Brooke, Davis, and Stephen on makeup work (since they had bailed on the last Outward Bound training). Faced with the prospect of this, Stephen’s face fell with incredulity. Whaaa?? He couldn’t sneak out of responsibility? If he wants to be a politician, he’ll have to learn how to get out of these tight spots. Anyway, Chris informed the threesome that they’d be doing 90 minutes of personal training at the gym for the next two days (for free? Sign me up!) and then on Friday, they’d have to summit two peaks, taking a picture on each for verification.
Well, we then saw Brooke, Stephen, and Davis head into training, and no sooner had it started than Brooke was already complaining. “It’s kind of hard for me to do squats because of my knees,” she announced, suddenly introducing us to some knee injury from ten years prior. She also complained about her ankle, despite the fact that she had stopped wearing the brace long ago. Yes, Brooke was a total prima dona diva, and yet, I was completely entertained. She was hilarious. Stephen noted that she seemed to be adjusting all the exercises to herself, but he then added, “There’s not going to be a Brooke mountain when we get up there.” Little did Stephen know that the peak they were climbing rested atop BROOKE MOUNTAIN!
Okay, just kidding. I had no idea what the mountain was that they would be climbing. Nor did I care. Anyway, that night, we saw Davis being flirtatious with both Brooke and PJ, causing Brooke to tell us, “The last thing I want is for him to think that I am trying to come between them.” Wait, but doesn’t Davis have two girlfriends at home? I’m confused. Ultimately, Brooke happily informed us that Davis told her that he was more attracted to her than any other woman ever. This caused her to cackle with glee and then announce, “I’m so full of myself!” HER MODESTY WAS IN HELL!!!
Well, with all the mixed signals she was receiving from Davis, Brooke needed to do something with her libido. So what did she do? She turned to Tyrie and finally allowed him the kiss he’d so awkwardly asked for in the hot tub back on the premiere episode. He was confused at first, but the two of them decided to throw caution to the wind and just make out. For whatever reason, this actually made Davis jealous, despite the fact that, you know, he was gay, and so he and PJ left the club immediately.
As for Brooke, after a few minutes of kissing, she sighed on Tyrie’s shoulder, “I messed up our friendship!” Uh, it was just a few kisses. Then again, maybe she was referring to Davis. SO COMPLEX!
Anyway, everyone returned to the house, and Brooke dragged Davis in the bathroom to let him know that nothing happened with Tyrie. Of course, in the middle of this, PJ walked in, and to him, it looked like the two were cheating. Uh oh. They reassured him that nothing was going on, and when Davis later on went up to bed, Brooke stayed back and warned PJ that in life, “You cannot trust somebody else to be your everything.” Well, that was sweet! She then shed some more sunshine on the situation by adding, “You come into this world alone. You leave alone.” Cue the sagging horn and Debbie Downer music. Wah waaaaah.
After the break, we learned that it was FINALLY PJ’s last day in the house. He went out to dinner with Davis, who again reassured him that he did not cheat on him with Brooke, and furthermore, he loved him so much that he would never, ever cheat on him with anyone. Yada yada yada cut to the next day at the airport as the two shared a tearfully, lip-locked goodbye, which inevitably led to Davis bawling his eyes out at home. Tyrie comforted him, which sent an unbridled sense of “Awwww…” through my bodice (does that even make sense? I liked the way it sounded), and then we cut to later that evening as Davis ate with Colie and Jenn. He informed them that Brooke had hooked up with Tyrie, causing shock among them all. However, he also told them that Brooke had told PJ not to trust Davis. Dunh dunh DUNH! Yay miscommunication! Well, Colie quickly alerted us that, “Brooke thinks Davis is HER property!” This coming from the most possessive cast member EVER. A guy could pass Colie on the street, and if they made fleeting eye contact, she’d probably yell, “MINE!” (And then cry for the next ten minutes because Stranger #236 was ignoring her when clearly he had feelings for her too).
The next day at the gym, passive aggression got a workout as Brooke told the trainer that she and Davis used to be BFF, but then PJ came to town and they invited her to a threesome and it’s been weird ever since. Of course, Brooke said this all in front of Davis, who then later confronted her in a snippy, passive-aggressive manner about her whole convo with PJ and trust etc. She clarified that she had told PJ he couldn’t trust anyone, not Davis specifically. By this point, however, the tensions were still mounting, and Davis told us, “She just makes everything over the top, more dramatic than it has to be!” Imagine that? A drama queen on The Real World. And here Davis thought he was signing up for MTV’s new show, “Happy Relaxed Time With Normal People.”
Well, we had some good and bad news. The bad news was that it was time for some Outward Bland, er, Bound. The good news was that this trek in the mountains wasn’t nearly as dumb and dull and boring as the others. The three slackers had to drive to boulder and hike up a small mountain, and of course, it only took about two seconds for Brooke to complain to us, “Not only am I doing things that I hate, but I’m having to be told that this is my JOB!” Welcome to the life of nearly everyone who has a job.
Anyway, the group hiked for about five minutes, and then Brooke insisted that they MUST take a break. They all sat down, tensions just barely bubbling under the surface, and amusingly, Stephen offered up, “I’m feeling good about this climb so far. How about you?” Yeah, how about you say that when the parking lot is more than twenty feet away.
Well, Stephen may have been psyched about the climb, but the feelings weren’t quite mutual with the other two. Brooke began bitching about everything as usual, providing joyous variations on the classic “I’M IN HELL!!” routine. She ultimately wound up snapping at Davis, who sternly ordered her not to snap at him. She then said she could snap as much as she wanted (snap!), causing Davis to snap the snapper back with his own snappy snap: “Fuck you, bitch! Don’t snap at me!”
WELL! As we all know, Brooke is not one to be called anything! She jumped to her feet, flung water in Davis’ face, and roared, “EXCUSE ME? DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY THAT! DON’T YOU FUCKING EVER SAY THAT! YOU’RE SUCH AN ASS, DAVIS!” Ah, memories of Sarah and Willie from Philadelphia, and the immortal, “HOW DARE YOU!!!”
With Brooke going off the handle, Davis stood his ground, telling her, “Don’t go Exorcist on me!” Too late. Brooke had already rotated her head 180 degrees and spewed green vomit all over him. At least in my imagination. Anyway, Davis continued, “You can’t snap at people just because you feel like it. You snapped at Colie. You snapped at Jen. You can’t snap at me!” I love Brooke, BUT good for Davis. He was right. You can’t just snap at people, especially if you’re being cranky for dumb reasons. Snaps to Davis’s anti-snaps.
At this point, Davis stormed away, deciding to climb the mountain himself and leaving Brooke to bawl, “He called me a fucking bitch to my face. Did you see that?” Stephen tried to diffuse the situation by imploring them all to work it out at the bottom of the mountain (so much for feeling good about the climb), but it was no use. He stayed back with Brooke, talked her down, and then when they were ready to move forward, they realized they were kind of screwed. Davis had the map and the first aid and the compass. Stephen called out to him, but no answer. (How very Blair Witch!). Stephen then blew a little whistle (How very Charla & Mirna), but again, no answer. Hmmm… kind of leaves me concerned about the “safety net” mechanisms of Outward Bound…
With little else to do, Brooke and Stephen engaged in that most timeless of reality show traditions: hawking the sponsor! They gorged on some Subway sandwiches, and after having eaten fresh, they endeavored to climb the mountain anyway without their survival tools. Sure enough, by following some trees with orange spots, they made it to some sort of peak in no time, just proving that climbing a mountain isn’t nearly as hard when you can distract yourself by hating on someone. The two called into Chris and asked them about the orange spots, but he explained that they simply meant the tree was diseased and needed to be chopped down. Oops! For a moment, I had hope that this meant they had strayed totally off course, but soon Davis appeared out of nowhere and reunited with his roommates. I really thought he’d be reprimanded for abandoning his group, but no one ratted him out (if Colie and Jenn were there, he’d have been thrown under the bus in a second).
Well, in a very tra-la-la scenario, we learned that while Davis had the compass, maps, and first aid, the other two had the cell phone and thus the capability to take the mandatory photo at the summit. You see, despite their differences, each one had something the other one needed. Now let’s hold hands and sing!
The trio then found the second summit, took pictures, signed a log, and returned to the house, in more or less better shape than before. Was everything patched up? Not quite. We then saw as Brooke, Davis, and a very tarted up Jenn (is there any other kind) emerged from the house to go out for the night. There was some awkwardness at first, but then Brooke and Davis apologized to each other. There was a whole lot of “I’m sorry for calling you a fucking bitch” and “I’m sorry for snapping at you and flinging water in your face.” Just the standard stuff.
Brooke mentioned that no man had ever called her a fucking bitch before. Um, do yourself a favor and avoid the internet for the rest of your life.
Soon, the three kids were reunited with the rest of their roomies at a bar, and after some further resolution on that whole PJ/Brooke conversation, Davis and Brooke returned to where they had left off: endlessly flirting with each other. Some things never change.
What did you think about the episode? And what do you think about the Davis/Brooke relationship?
Oh, and even though I said my official farewells in my Hills post, I might as well do it again here, briefly. It’s appropriate because my first recap ever was a Real World recap. It’s been fun and awesome. I truly appreciate all the comments and emails people have written me. Thanks for reading my rants and laughing at my jokes! Peace out, blogosphere!
All the best,