Remembering the Time in the 5000-some-Feet High City

It’s time for everyone’s favorite past-time, the Real World Reunion. There are so many great things about reunion episodes…like…uh…surprises? Actually, it’s a great opportunity to see how everyone has changed after watching the giant mistakes they made in front of all of America. Call me crazy but I would think that would change your perspective just a little bit. Also, you can see how everyone’s relationships have progressed/regressed. People can additionally say a bunch of shit they never would have said before now that they’re not living in the same house and can actually escape the drama. And there aren’t any teary-eyed goodbyes clouding everyone’s intense hatred for each other. Sure, most of this hatred never comes to the surface during reunions and is usually trapped forever in confessionals, but it’s happened in the past. So maybe it will happen again tonight? It would break up how boring most of this season was, and maybe even make up for sucking. Keep reading to find out what went down.

The first thing I notice about the Reunion special is that Saul is not hosting it.

Not Saul

I very nearly stopped watching immediately, but I decided that shouting profanity at my television for a couple minutes would be a sufficient punishment for MTV. With that out of the way, let’s take note of how everyone looks now. Alex has some kind of bushy hair and he has a labret piercing. It’s good he doesn’t resemble a poseur with that thing in there. Ty looks normal, Stephen looks normal, Colie has darker hair, Jenn has darker hair, I think Davis looks the same, and Brooke is now sporting some big fake boobs.

Brooke ordered the floppiest boobies she could find.

It’s time for the first clip montage! I guess it’s a good idea to start with the end and work your way back, because the first clips are of the emotional goodbyes everyone had. We see Colie reading her shit-poem again. She’s so deep you guys. And quite talented might I add. Then we see the typical shots of the girls crying and people using stupid nicknames that annoy me and it’s only the second time I’ve heard them.

Hey, remember GlamourShots?

Now do you?

I think Jenn says something along the lines of how what we saw was a “truthful ending” and it wasn’t staged. Then Davis mentions how there weren’t any fights for the last month everyone was together, but Colie corrects him and says that she still fought with Alex. Then Davis said, “Allow me to correct myself. No one who MATTERS fought for the last month.” And he said it looking directly at Colie so you know he was talking about her. And speaking of Colie and Alex, her and Alex are sitting about as far away as possible. I doubt it really has any bearing on how they feel towards each other, but it’s easier to assume that Alex hates her and wanted to be nowhere near her.

From that point we move onto the Brooke and Colie fight. Man, they really flew off the handle there. Awesome. Brooke says that she thinks the two just didn’t “get” each other. I don’t get a lot of people, but I also don’t call them the most vile human beings on earth either. There I go being all sane again. Colie thinks that Brooke did overreact in that situation, and they show a shot of Brooke and she looks pissed. How dare that vile human say she overreacted?

No over-reacting here.

Somehow Stephen gets into the action and says that he was on Brooke’s side every time. He says that Brooke was the sweetest person he ever met, and that just leads me to wonder what kind of people Stephen knows. Also, apparently there was some sort of behavior intervention with Colie right before Thailand, and when it was mentioned, she seemed confused. Apparently Colie became a super bitch. Then Jenn, probably sick of not being the spotlight, said everyone in the house went through phases. She was a drunk for the first week, Davis was a gossip for the first month and a half. Oh, no she didn’t. Davis, fortunately for all of us, said Jenn was a drunk bitch for three months, which Jenn chooses to ignore. Colie then takes this moment to get all high and mighty on everyone, saying that everyone talks behind people’s backs to America, but you don’t hear that when you’re there. She said it especially bothered her with Alex, because he said she was a disgusting pig and he couldn’t stand her, and I think he compared her to Stalin, but he never said anything to her face. Like we didn’t just get done seeing her talk shit about Brooke to all of America.

Sorry, but how can I not post this again?

Now the topic turns to Davis stirring up trouble. Let’s see, going through the clips, looks like he instigates three fights, insults the girls’ looks, oops, there’s a fourth fight he’s starting. In hindsight Davis said he feels bad, but he wasn’t “lying.” Withholding truth? Absolutely. Really he was only responsible for instigating like two fights that didn’t directly involve him, which I wouldn’t really call a big deal. However. I would like the point out a certain fight involving Davis, Tyrie, Stephen, who later stopped caring, and a certain racist word being left out of the clips. That wasn’t stirring up drama or anything MTV?

Here’s a surprise for you: Brooke occasionally freaked out! Aren’t you shocked? I actually loved the flashback to these clips of Brooke going completely shit-ass crazy over little things. It was very entertaining, and I wish her parents would sit her down and analyze these problems one on one, but that would never happen. Anyways, Brooke says she was made highly emotional, so it’s really not her fault. You know what Brooke? Just keep believing that. Please. I know I’ve said many times that I would like to kill everyone who thinks I have a double chin and that I may not be the most beautiful girl in the world. Sure I’m not a girl, and I might have a double chin, but I will search you down if you say any such thing. Brooke also says that she’s learned from watching herself freak out on TV, which I don’t buy for a second.

Still single?

I would actually love to see Brooke on a Challenge, to see her freak out about EVERYTHING, but she’s probably too scared to do anything on the challenges anyways, so that probably will never happen.

Now the topic switches to the Brooke/Davis romance. Remember when Brooke said she might turn a gay man straight? I don’t think her and Davis were ever on the same page with the flirting and everything. I’m pretty sure Davis and Brooke were making out when we came back from the clips, and my jaw literally hit the floor out of how not shocked I was. Those two almost got me! Except not at all! Susie asks if Brooke and Davis ever “sealed the deal,” but Davis wouldn’t answer. So Brooke did it for him. She said they did not, which is a surprise to exactly no one. Then I think Davis said that they tried to date for a while, but it didn’t work because he’s gay. I do not know if that was a joke or not, but regardless, I don’t get it.

You’re gay?

Since the topic of Davis’s love life was on the table, Susie asked Steve if he still thought being gay was a choice. After months of living with Davis, even being witness to some gay lovin, we all know exactly what Stephen’s response is. “I don’t know.” Uh, what? Still not sure about that, huh Steve? Davis is pretty pissed with this response, and this starts kind of a broad argument about it between the two. Welcome back closed-minded Steve. You dick. I think Stephen’s argument was that he doesn’t know every gay person, so he can’t say whether some people choose it or not. Thank God we’ve got stereotypes and preconceived notions to save us time, right Steve? (High five!)

That little wave passes when Tyrie basically tells them to shut the hell up. I would assume he was shocked by Stephen’s response, but he just wanted them to stop arguing, perhaps so he could get more time in the spotlight. So we moved onto the topic of Davis’s mom. Apparently she doesn’t watch the Real World, and he heard the only episode she watched involved her. However, after that she wanted to get family therapy with Davis, and she told him where to meet her, and it turns out she just had him to go a therapist who tries to convert gay people. So now Davis hasn’t talked to his mom since January. Score one for mom, loving her son the way he is.

Now it’s sexy time, time to watch all of the hookups. Let’s see, there’s Brooke making out with Jenn…Colie and Alex…Jenn and half of Denver…Colie and some ugly dude…Jenn and the other half of Denver, including Alex. We also see the clip where Colie says her vagina tells her to do things. Hey Colie, whose vagina doesnt? Also, what kind of person doesn’t realize they’re having sex? My guess would be a WHORE, but I don’t know. Maybe? The final thing we see is the Jenn-Steve super-weird hookup.

Brooke suggests maybe having another lesbian moment.

Jenn tells everybody that she woke up the next day and realized that her and Alex had sex. At least she’s maintaining her bullshit story. Alex then joked that he was in love with Colie, and then Colie joked that she had a backbone. Susie then asked what the deal was with Jenn hooking up with Alex despite the whole Colie situation, and Jenn said it was never done with the intent to harm Colie, it was just messing around. Then the focus turned to Alex. He said that he didn’t come to Denver to grow, he just came to have a blast, so that’s what he did. Also, I reluctantly admit that he seems to have his life the most together of everyone. However, what’s up with the poseur piercing? If he’d gotten it in school, then it wouldn’t be a big deal. But, come on, it’s grown-up time now. Lip piercings have to go. Unless you’re in a band. Or in the music business in general.

All I hear is lip stud.

Meanwhile, pretty much through the entire episode, whenever the focus hasn’t been on them, Brooke and Davis have just been giggling and touching and looking at each other, not paying attention to what anyone else is saying. It’s really annoying the hell out of me, and I point it out for no other reason. But I digress.

I think you should get this mole checked out.

Still not sick of the hookup discussion? You’re in luck! Colie pretty passive-aggressively sounds like a racist by pointing out that Stephen and Tyrie are black, so they’re less likely to hook up with the white chicks. But she would hook up with a black dude. She has, and she’d do it again. Anyways, she says that it seems like Alex was cast for Jenn and Colie, because he’s the only single straight white guy. But what about Brooke? Jenn and Colie elaborate on this a little bit more, still not making a lot of sense, and at one point, Jenn calls Ty’s girl Janelle, which I’m sure she enjoyed, but it beats getting called Big head. It just strikes me as odd that Colie and Jenn kept leaving Brooke’s name out of the Alex conversation. Also, Ty and Stephen made it a point a little earlier to mention that Alex has no game. Damnit, I hate having things in common with Alex.

More hookup talk. Stephen apparently thought Jenn was the devil when they first got into the house, because she was drunk, whoring herself around, worshipping the golden calf she’d brought from home. Various reasons. But he was able to get past that and they made a connection, or something, and Jenn thought it was great. Despite the whole infidelity thing I guess. Who are we kidding, she didn’t have a problem with it. I tend to think that Stephen was probably still remembering that Jenn was a drunk and a slut, but the gravitational pull to her mid-section was probably too strong, and he was able to put his judgments aside for a night. Speaking of infidelities, what happened with Mercii Steve? He told us that she dumped him when he got home and he explained what happened, but they’re back together now. I’m assuming she can still do better.

Remember Outward Bound? Wasn’t that shit boring?? I wonder if the recap of it will be just as boring as the actual episodes were! Oh, there’s Brooke in her underwear! Tyrie motivating the guys from New Orleans! Brooke realizing how big of an idiot she was for being scared of rappelling! Wow, I was dead wrong, the action was intense in those clips!

There wasn’t one bar.

Tyrie went into this diatribe about how he hated Outward Bound at first, but then he totally changed his mind. Davis felt the same way, but Steve just hated it. Probably because he sucked at it so badly. Susie mentioned that Brooke shined, and I would like to disagree. I refuse to see what the big deal in her rappelling was. The only reason she ‘shined’ was because she made such a big scene about doing it in the first place. Fear shmear, she didn’t shine in my book. Tyrie finally gets around to finishing his point on Outward Bound, which is a great segue for Susie. Apparently Jeep was so moved by the episodes or experience or promotional opportunities that they picked one of the boy campers to give a Jeep Patriot to, and Tyrie went to Mississippi to deliver it. In a scene reminiscent of Pimp My Ride, the kid walks out of his house with a mic on but still acts like he’s surprised to see Tyrie. I’m going to assume this really did happen though, so I won’t rip on it too harshly.

Kiss me, you fool!

Susie is thusly provided another great opportunity for a segue because Tyrie went from Outward Bound to Denver, where he could no longer piss outdoors! Oh the hilarity and creativity of Susie. Saul would have done better. Anyways, it’s time to flashback to Ty getting arrested. Ah, yes, the triumphant return of GODDAMNSHIT!!! Ty says that he was drinking straight vodka that night, so he remembers very little of it. Jenn tries to spin the night, saying at least Tyrie didn’t get arrested for hitting Jazelle (I can’t remember if she actually called her by the right name or not, or if she even used a name). Thanks for the support Jenn. That’s like saying “Hey, you were arrested for murder, but at least it wasn’t PREMEDITATED murder! Cheer up!”

If it seems like Jenn is chiming in a lot, that’s because she was. Somehow the topic moved to how people were portrayed, and Susie asks if Jenn’s director was upset how she was portrayed. Jenn said absolutely, and then she starts rambling about being a Raiderette, blah blah blah. Maybe it would be easier to portray you as less of a slut if you were, you know, less of a slut. Unless of course your director is upset with you not looking slutty enough.

From there, Susie introduces us to a new aspect on MTV where you can vote for the next cast of the Real World from user-submitted videos. A couple of the videos were shown, and there weren’t really any that looked too interesting. There was one guy who could be interesting, since he mentioned getting so drunk recently that he got a dick tattooed on his bicep. That guy could create some interesting nights.

Please cast him.

Since we’re almost done here, it’s time for, you guessed it, BLOOPERS! How exciting is that! Well, not very, as I think about half of the clips were shown in the last “blooper reel” and I think the funniest thing was Brooke somehow getting locked in the bathroom. But, that’s not all…because next week there are more bloopers! Seriously??? Just let this season go already! Please for the love of all that is holy!

But wait! There’s more!

So there’s your Real World Denver (Colorado) Reunion. I guess on the whole it could have been much LESS entertaining, and I’m never really a fan of these things in general, but I wouldn’t say it was too bad. However, if you think anyone has changed since being on the show, you would probably be pretty wrong. What did you think of the episode? And what was the deal with Brooke and Davis?